Foz Annual

A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlour and pulled himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool. After catching his breath, he ordered a banana split.

The waitress asked kindly, "Crushed nuts?"

"No," he replied, "Arthritis."

A man and his wife were awakened at 3am by a loud pounding on the door. The man got up and went to the door where a drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain, was asking for a push.

"Not a chance," said the husband, "it is three o'clock in the morning!" He slammed the door and returned to bed.

"Who was that?" asked his wife.

"Just some drunk guy asking for a push," he replied.

"Did you help him?" she asked.

"No, I did not, it's 3am and it's pouring out there!"

"Well, you have a short memory," said his wife. "Can't you remember about three months ago when we broke down, and those two guys helped us? I think you should help him."

The man did as he was told, dressed, and went out into the pounding rain. He called out into the dark, "Hello, are you still there?"

"Yes," came back the answer.

"Do you still need a push?" called out the husband.

"Yes, please!" came the reply from the dark.

"Where are you?" asked the husband.

"Over here on the swing," replied the drunk.

Daddy was taking his young son for a walk in the park when they passed two dogs humping. When the boy asked his father what was happening he told him they were making a puppy.

A few days later the little boy caught his mum and dad in the throes of sex and when he asked them what they were doing, dad replied they were making a baby.

The little boy said, Well, can you turn mummy over, I'd much rather have a puppy.

A schoolteacher giving an English lesson says to the class "I want you to put these four words into a single sentence, Detail, Den, Defeat and Defence."

After some thought Johnny put his hand up.

"When a horse jumps defence, defeat go first den detail."

A deeply religious man lived in a house by the river, but one day the banks burst and the house was flooded. As the water level rose alarmingly, the man climbed onto the roof of the house. A boat came by.

"Climb aboard," called the captain.

"No, I shall stay here," said the man. "God will take care of me."

Twenty minutes later, with the waters still rising, the man climbed onto the chimney. Another boat came past.

"Jump aboard," said the captain.

"No, I shall stay here," said the man. "God will take care of me."

With the water now up to the man's waist, a helicopter suddenly swooped down.

"Quick!" shouted the pilot. "Climb aboard!"

"No, I shall stay here," insisted the man. "God will take care of me."

The water level continued to rise and soon the man was swept from the chimney and drowned.

Up in heaven, he sought out God. "I thought you said you would take care of me," he complained.

God said: "I sent you two boats and a helicopter. What more did you want?"

During a robbery, the bank robber shouted to everyone in the bank: "Don't move. The money belongs to the State. Your life belongs to you."

Everyone in the bank laid down quietly. This is called "Mind Changing Concept" Changing the conventional way of thinking.

When a lady lay on the table provocatively, the robber shouted at her: "Please be civilized! This is a robbery and not a rape!"

This is called "Being Professional" Focus only on what you are trained to do!

When the bank robbers returned home, the younger robber (MBA-trained) told the older robber (who has only completed Year 6 in primary school): "Big brother, let's count how much we got."

The older robber rebutted and said: "You are very stupid. There is so much money it will take us a long time to count. Tonight, the TV news will tell us how much we robbed from the bank!"

This is called "Experience." Nowadays, experience is more important than paper qualifications!

After the robbers had left, the bank manager told the bank supervisor to call the police quickly. But the supervisor said to him: "Wait! Let us take out £10 million from the bank for ourselves and add it to the £70 million that we have previously embezzled from the bank".

This is called "Swim with the tide." Converting an unfavourable situation to your advantage!

The supervisor says: "It will be good if there is a robbery every month."

This is called "Killing Boredom." Personal Happiness is more important than your job.

The next day, the TV news reported that £100 million was taken from the bank. The robbers counted and counted and counted, but they could only count £20 million. The robbers were very angry and complained: "We risked our lives and only took £20 million. The bank manager took £80 million with a snap of his fingers. It looks like it is better to be educated than to be a thief!"

This is called "Knowledge is worth as much as gold!"

The bank manager was smiling and happy because his losses in the share market are now covered by this robbery.

This is called "Seizing the opportunity." Daring to take risks!

So who are the real robbers here?

My neighbour is this stunningly attractive single woman I've had a crush on for months.

She teaches an aerobics class and is gorgeous with a perfect body

The other day she returned home, walked directly to my door and started knocking.

I answered and nervously said, "Oh hey, what's up?"

She told me, "This has been the worst week. I'm looking to get crazy and have some real fun tonight. I'm going to get drunk and probably make some bad decisions. Are you doing anything tonight?"

I was stunned and managed to blurt out, "No, I don't really have any plans yet."

"Great!" she said, handing me a leash. "I knew you wouldn't mind watching my dog while I'm out."

Catholic men and a Catholic woman were having coffee in St Peters Square, Rome.

The first Catholic man told his friends, "My son is a priest, when he walks into a room, everyone calls him Father".

The second Catholic man chirped, "My son is a Bishop. When he walks into a room people call him "Your Lordship"

The third Catholic gent said, "My son is an Archbishop. When he walks into a room people call him "Your Grace"

The fourth Catholic gent said, "My son is a Cardinal. When he enters a room everyone bows their head and says "Your Eminence"."

The fifth Catholic man said very proudly, "My son is the Pope. When he walks into a room people call him "Your Holiness"."

Since the lone Catholic woman was sipping her coffee in silence, the five men gave her a subtle, "Well?"

She proudly replied, "I have a daughter, Slim, tall, very very beautiful, 38D breast, 24" waist and 34" hips. When she walks into a room, people say 'My GOD!'"

Two beggars were sitting side by side on a street in Rome. One had a cross in front of him, the other a Star of David. Many people passed by, but they put money only into the hat of the guy behind the cross.

A priest who'd been watching the pair walked up to the beggar with the Star of David and said, "My poor fellow, don't you understand? This is a catholic country. People won't give you money if you sit there with a Star of David in front of you, especially when you're sitting beside another beggar who has a cross. In fact, they'd probably give him more money just out of spite."

The beggar thanked the priest and then turned to the beggar with the cross and said, "Moshe - look who's trying to teach the Goldstein brothers about marketing."

Into a pub came Paddy Murphy, looking like he'd just been run over by a train. His arm was in a sling, his nose broken, his face cut and bruised and he was walking with a limp.

What happened to you? asked Sean, the bartender.

Jamie O'Connor and me had a fight. said Paddy.

That little O'Connor? said Sean He couldn't do that to you, He must have had something in his hand.

That he did, replied Paddy, A shovel is what he had, and a terrible lickin' he gave me with it.

Well, said Sean, You should have defended yourself, didn't you have something in your hand?

That I did, said Paddy. Mrs O'Connor's breast, and a thing of beauty it is, but useless in a fight.

Three mice in a Glasgow pub having a mouse to mouse talk about who's the hardest...

Aberdeen mouse says: "I go up tae mousetraps, rip the cheese oot, and as the bar comes doon, I benchpress it 30 times, then throw it across the room!"

Edinburgh mouse says: "I get rat poison, crush it intae powder & snort it!"

Glasgow mouse finishes his beer, gets up and walks to the door.

"Where u goin'?" asked the other two.

"Hame tae sh@g the cat."

An old club member went to a wizard to ask him if he could remove a curse he had been hexed by for the last 40 years.

The Wizard said, "Maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words that were used to put the curse on you."

The biker recited without hesitation,
"I now pronounce you man and wife..."

I was at the supermarket yesterday, buying a box of Pedigree biscuits for my dogs, when a woman behind me asked if I had a dog.

Being a sarky sod, I told her NO, I don't have a dog, I was starting the Pedigree Diet again, and that I probably shouldn't because I ended up in the hospital last time. But, on the plus side, I had lost 50 pounds before I awakened in intensive care with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.

I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet. All you do is load your pockets with the small bite biscuits and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally complete so it works well and I was going to try it again.

Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care because the dog food poisoned me.

I told her no, I stepped off the kerb to sniff a another dogs arse and a car hit me.

A man goes into a restaurant and is seated. All the waitresses are gorgeous. A particularly voluptuous waitress wearing a very short skirt and legs that won't quit came to his table and asked if he was ready to order:

"What would you like, sir?"

He looks at the menu and then scans her beautiful frame top to bottom, then answers, "A quickie."

The waitress turns and walks away in disgust.

After she regains her composure she returns and asks again,

"What would you like, sir?"

Again the man thoroughly checks her out and again answers,

"A quickie, please."

This time her anger takes over, she reaches over and slaps him across the face with a resounding "SMACK!" and storms away.

A man sitting at the next table leans over and whispers,

"Um, I think it's pronounced 'QUICHE.'"

What is Democracy? A boy was asked at school as his homework.

So the little boy went to his dad and asked, "What is democracy?"

Dad replied, "Well son, let me try to explain it this way: I'm the breadwinner of the family, so let's call me capitalist. Your Mom spends the money, so we'll call her the Government. Nanny is working at home for money, she's the worker class. We're here to spend that money to take care of you, the people. And your baby brother in bed, the future."

So the little boy went off to bed and later heard his baby brother crying, he got up to check on him and found that he severely soiled his diaper. So the boy went to his parents' room and found his mother sound asleep. Not wanting to wake her, he went to the nanny's room. Finding the door locked, he peeped in the keyhole and saw his father in bed with the nanny. He gave up and went back to bed.

The next morning, the little boy went to school. When teacher asked if anyone had the answer to the homework, he raised his hand.

"Democracy is, while Capitalists are screwing the Working Class, the Government is sound asleep, the People are being ignored and the Future is in deep trouble."

A senior citizen said to his eighty-year old buddy:
"So I hear you're getting married?"
"Yep!"
"Do I know her?"
"Nope!"
"This woman, is she good looking?"
"Not really."
"Is she a good cook?"
"Naw, she can't cook too well."
"Does she have lots of money?"
"Nope! Poor as a church mouse."
"Well, then, is she good in bed?"
"I don't know."
"Why in the world do you want to marry her?"
"Because she can still drive!"

There was a painting on the gallery wall depicting three naked black men on a bench, and the one in the middle had a white penis. A visitor was explaining to anyone that would listen about how the picture was showing something deep and meaningful about race and cultural divides.

A voice at the back piped up, "Nonsense! I'm the artist and I can tell you exactly what the painting is of. It's three coal miners, and the one in the middle went home for lunch."

Three mischievous old grannies were sitting on a bench outside a nursing home when an old club member walked by.

One of the old ladies called out, saying, "We bet we can tell exactly how old you are."

The old man responded, "There is no way you can."

One of the women said, "Sure we can! Just drop your trousers and we can tell your exact age."

Embarrassed just a little, but anxious to prove they couldn't do it, he dropped his drawers.

They asked him to first turn around a couple of times and to jump up and down.

Then they all piped up and said, "You're 87 years old!"

Standing with his pants down around his ankles, the old gent asked, "How in the world did you guess that ?"

Slapping their knees and grinning from ear to ear, the three ladies happily yelled in unison...

"We were at your birthday party yesterday!"

A member came down to the club and ordered drink after drink at the bar.

"Is everything okay, pal?" asked the bartender.

"My wife and I had a fight and she said she isn't talking to me for a month!"

Trying to put a positive spin on things, the bartender said, "Well, maybe that's a good thing. You know — a little peace and quiet?"

"Yeah. But today is the last day."

A man lay sprawled across three entire seats at a posh theatre. Before the show has even started, an usher walked by and noticed the man.

"Sir, you're only allowed one seat, please sit up?"

The man groaned, but remained seated. The usher became impatient with the man, "Sir, if you don't get up, I will call the manager."

Again the man just groaned, which infuriated the usher, who marched off and returned with the manager. They both repeatedly attempted to move him, but with no success. At this point, the manager called the police.

Soon, a bobby arrived and approached the man, "Now then sir, what's your name?"

"Sam" the man moaned.

"And where are you from, Sam?"

With pain in his voice, Sam replied, "The balcony."

A guy sat down in a cinema and noticed that the man in front of him had brought his dog and it was sitting in the seat next to him.

He thought it unusual, but he liked dogs, so he decided that as long as it was not a distraction he wouldn't mention it.

The film started and pretty soon there was a funny part. The dog made some low woofing sounds that seemed like laughter. In a little while there was a sad part and the dog appeared to be weeping. This continued throughout the film and the man sitting behind the dog was astounded.

When the lights come up he tapped the dog's owner on the shoulder and told him, "I gotta say, and I know it sounds weird, but it seemed like your dog really enjoyed this film."

The dog owner looked at the dog and nodded. "I know, it really is weird," he said, "because he absolutely hated the book."

I went to the doctors' yesterday...
(it's why I wasn't cycling)

"It's my testicles, doctor." I told her. "One of them isn't normal."

"Excuse me?" She said, rather abruptly. "Are these your certificates on the wall? Did you spend the best part of a decade earning a medical degree? Is that your name on this office door? Are YOU a doctor?"

"Err, n n no, of course not." I stammered.

"Exactly. I'M the doctor." She said. "I'M the one qualified to determine whether your testicle's 'normal' or not. So now that's been made quite clear, which testicle is it?"

"The middle one."

A chicken farmer went to the local bar, sat next to a woman, and ordered a glass of champagne.

The woman perked up and said, "How about that! I just ordered a glass of champagne too!"

"What a coincidence," he said. "This is a special day for me, I'm celebrating."

"This is a special day for me too and I'm celebrating also." said the woman.

"What a coincidence." said the man.

As they clinked glasses he asked, "What are you celebrating?"

"My husband and I have been trying to have a child and today my gynaecologist told me I'm pregnant!"

"What a coincidence. I'm a chicken farmer and for years my hens were infertile, but today they're finally laying fertilized eggs."

"That's great." said the woman. "How did your chicken eggs become fertile?"

He said, "I switched cocks."

She smiled and said "What a coincidence!"

A man gets a peanut stuck firmly in his ear and no matter how hard his wife tries, they cannot get it out.

Just as they're about to give up, their daughter arrives home with her boyfriend. When they hear what has happened, the boyfriend tells them confidently that he knows how to get it out. He sticks two fingers up the man's nose and tells him to blow as hard as he can. The man does this and the peanut pops out.

Some time later the parents are talking and Mum comments, "Our Vera's got a clever boyfriend there. I wonder what he'll become."

"Our son-in-law, by the smell of his fingers." came the reply.

The room was full of pregnant women with their husbands.

The instructor said, "Ladies, remember that exercise is good for you. Walking is especially beneficial. It strengthens the pelvic muscles and will make delivery that much easier.

Just pace yourself, make plenty of stops and try to stay on a soft surface like grass or a path."

"Gentlemen, remember -you're in this together. It wouldn't hurt you to go walking with her. In fact, that shared experience would be good for you both."

The room suddenly became very quiet as the men absorbed the information.

After a few moments a man, name unknown, at the back of the room, slowly raised his hand.

"Yes?" said the Instructor.

"I was just wondering if it would be all right, if she carries a golf bag while we walk?"

A young couple wanted to join the church, the priest told them, "We have a special requirement for new member couples. You must abstain from sex for one whole month."

The couple agreed, but after two-and-a-half weeks returned to the Church.

When the priest ushered them into his office, the wife was crying and the husband was obviously very depressed.

"You are back so soon — Is there a problem?" the priest inquired. "We are terribly ashamed to admit that we did not manage to abstain from sex for the required month." The young man replied sadly.

The priest asked him what happened.

"Well, the first week was difficult — however, we managed to abstain through sheer willpower.

"The second week was terrible, but with the use of prayer, we managed to abstain.

"However, the third week was unbearable. We tried cold showers, Prayer, reading from the Bible — anything to keep our minds off Carnal Thoughts.

"One afternoon my wife reached for a can of paint and dropped it. When she bent over to pick it up, I was overcome with lust and I just had my way with her right then and there. It was lustful, loud, passionate sex. It lasted for over an hour and when we were done we were both drenched in sweat," admitted the man, shamefacedly.

The priest lowered his head and said sternly, "You understand this means you will not be welcome in our church."

"We know." said the young man, hanging his head, "We're not welcome at Home Depot, either."

Mrs Smith; the mother of three children, was in the process of baking a birthday cake for her daughter, when she mistakenly used ball bearings to adorn the top of the cake, instead of silver sugar beads.

No one seemed to notice and the birthday cake was a big hit at the family party.

Several hours later her daughter came running out of the bathroom screaming, "Mommy Mommy Mommy, I just went pee pee and BBs came out of me."

After realizing her baking blunder, Mrs Smith asked her daughter if she was feeling okay.

The little girl replied, "Yes Mommy I feel okay."

"Well then, go outside and play", said Mrs Smith.

About ten minutes later her youngest son came screaming into the kitchen, "Mom, I just peed and BBs came out."

Again the mother asked, "Are you okay?" The little son replied yes and ran off to play outside.

A while later her oldest son came into the kitchen crying hysterically. Before he could say anything Mrs Smith consoled him by saying, "I know, you went to pee and BBs came out, right?"

The older son replied, "No mom! I was in my room playing with myself and I shot the dog!"

The Reverend John Flapps spotted a female member of his congregation staggering drunkenly along the street.

He tried to assist her but they stumbled and he fell on top of her.

A passing policeman came up and said, "Oi mate, you can't do that in the street."

The Rev replied, "You don't understand, I'm Pastor Flapps."

To which the bobby replied, "Well, if you're in that far, you may as well finish."

At a girl's college hostel, dates were permitted only on Saturday nights.

One young man showed up on a Tuesday evening, explaining to an older woman in the lobby of the dorm that it was imperative he see a certain young lady immediately.

"I want to surprise her. You see, I'm her brother."

"Oh, she'll be surprised all right," said the woman. "But think of how surprised I am!

"I'm her mother!"

The bloke next door asked me if I wanted to try a wife swap.

"I'm not sure," I said, "will I get her back?"

"Course!" he laughed

"No then."

I was in a new IT themed restaurant the other day. When I walked in I could see the place decorated like the inside of a computer. The tables looked like motherboards, the placemats looked like keyboards, and the glasses looked like giant USB sticks. The host was there to greet me and he was dressed in the usual "nerd" attire - glasses, pocket protector, etc. But something seemed off. He seemed really, really sad. I shrugged it off as he showed me to my table.

When I was seated my table a waitress in glasses brought me a menu to look at. She hardly said anything to me. She actually seemed even more depressed than the first guy!

After perusing the "main menu" I decide to have the fish and microchips. A waiter came back to take my order. He barely listened to me. He sobbed as he wrote down my order, then stormed away in tears. What was that all about?

Anyway, 25 minutes went by and no food arrived. Three quarters of an hour and no food. An HOUR went by and neither food nor a waiter in sight. Finally the manager walked past me and I grabbed his arm for answers.

"Hey, man! What the hell is going on? I've been waiting here an hour already! Where the hell is my food and why are all your staff so upset?!"

The manager replied, "I'm so very sorry, sir. All of our servers are down."

There was a huge nut tree by the cemetery wall. One evening two boys collected a bucketful of nuts, sat down by the tree, out of sight, and began dividing the nuts between them.

"One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me," said one boy.

The bucket was so full, several nuts fell out and rolled out towards the wall.

Cycling down the road by the cemetery was a third boy. As he passed, he thought he heard voices from inside the cemetery. He slowed down to investigate. Sure enough, he heard, "One for you, one for me. One for you." He thought he knew what it was.

"Oh my god!" he shuddered, "It's Satan and St Peter dividing the souls at the cemetery!"

He cycled down the road and found an old man with a cane, hobbling along.

"Come quick!" he said, "You won't believe what I heard. Satan and St Peter are down at the cemetery dividing the souls."

The man said, "Shoo, you brat! Can't you see I'm finding it hard to walk as it is!"

After several pleas, the man hobbled to the cemetery and heard, "One for you, one for me. One for you, one..."

The old man whispered, "Boy, you's been tellin' the truth! Let's see if we can see the Devil himself."

Shivering with fear, they edged toward the wall, still unable to see anything, but then they heard,

"One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me. And one last one for you. That's about all."

"Let's go get those two nuts by the wall, and we'll be done."

They say the old guy made it to town 10 minutes before the boy!

Three rabbits escaped from a research lab. They squeezed through a gap in a fence and got into a field full of juicy carrots and had a great time having a good feed.

On the second day they burrowed a hole under a wall to reach a field full of does and they had a Fantastic time doing what rabbits do.

On the third day they got through a gap in a fence into a field full of big juicy cabbages and had a great day's feed in there.

On the fourth day they jumped over a small wall into a field full of lush green grass, so they spend the day sleeping off their pleasures of the last three days.

At the end of that day one rabbit said to the others, "Well guys, what we all doing tomorrow? Don't know about you guys but I'd like to go back to the field with the cabbages. I had a great time in there!"

Second rabbit replied, "I'd like to go back to the field with all those does in. Oh, I had a great time in there! What about you then?" the third rabbit was asked.

He said "I want to go back to the laboratory."

"But we've only just escaped from there!" spluttered his friends, "Why do you want to go back?"

"Well," he explained. "I've not had a cigarette for three days!"

My sister and her husband had just finished tucking their young ones into bed one evening when they heard crying coming from the children's room. Rushing in, they found Tommy crying hysterically.

He had accidentally swallowed a 5p piece and was sure he was going to die. No amount of talking could change his mind. Trying to calm him, his father palmed a 5p coin that he happened to have in his pocket and pretended to remove it from Tommy's ear.

Tommy was delighted. In a flash, he snatched it from his father's hand, swallowed it and demanded cheerfully - "Do it again, Dad!"

A young man called Peter wanted to purchase a gift for his new sweetheart

As they had not been dating for very long, after careful consideration, he decided that a pair of gloves would strike the right note, not too romantic and not too personal.

Accompanied by his sweetheart's sister he went to Harrods and bought a dainty pair of white gloves. The sister purchased a pair of panties for herself at the same time. During the wrapping the shop assistant mixed up the two items and the sister got the gloves and the Peter got the panties. Without checking the contents the young man sealed the package and sent it to his sweetheart with the following note:

Dear Maria, I chose these because I noticed that you are not in the habit of wearing any when we go out in the evening. If it had not been for your sister I would have chosen the long ones with the buttons, but she wears short ones that are easier to remove.

These are a delicate shade, but the lady I bought them from showed me the pair that she had been wearing for the past three weeks and they were hardly soiled at all. I had her try yours on for me and she looked really smart, even though they were a little tight on her. She also told me that her pair helps to keep her ring clean and shiny, in fact, she had not needed to wash it since she had begun wearing them.

I wish I were there to put them on for you for the first time, as no doubt many other hands will touch them before I have a chance to see you again. When you take them off, remember to blow into them before putting them away as they will naturally be a little damp from wearing.

Just think how many times my lips will kiss them during the coming year. I hope that you will wear them for me on Friday night.

All my love Peter

P.S. The latest style is to wear them folded down with a little fur showing

A priest, a minister, and a rabbi want to see who's best at his job. So they each go into the woods, find a bear, and attempt to convert it. Later they get together.

The priest begins: "When I found the bear, I read to him from the Catechism and sprinkled him with holy water. Next week is his First Communion."

"I found a bear by the stream," says the minister, "and preached God's holy word. The bear was so mesmerized that he let me baptize him."

They both look down at the rabbi, who is lying on a gurney in a body cast.

"Looking back," he says, "maybe I shouldn't have started with the circumcision."

A Chinese guy came into the pub and stood next to me.

"Do you know any martial arts, like karate or kung fu?" I asked him.

"Why you asking me that? Because I'm Chinese? You think all Chinese do kung fu?" he angrily replied.

"No", I said "because you're drinking my fxxxxxx beer."

I'm selling my pet python on eBay. Some bloke just rang up and asked, "is it big?"

"It's massive", I said.

"How many feet?" he asked.

I said "None, it's a snake."

I bought my wife a 24ct gold necklace the other day, but when she put it on her skin started going a funny blue colour, so I suspected it was fake.

Turns out it was a bracelet.

The farmer's teenage son was tasked with leading their cow over to the neighbouring farm to be 'freshened' by their bull.

When he got there the teenage daughter was the only one at home. They put the bull and the cow in a field together and leaned on the fence to wait for nature to take its course.

The boy said, "That bull really seems to know what to do, doesn't he?"

The girl answered, "Yep."

Awhile later the boy said, "That cow doesn't seem to mind, does she?"

The girl answered, "Nope."

The boy said, "They both seem to be enjoying themselves, don't they?"

The girl answered, "Yep."

He turned to the girl, looked her in the eye and said, "I really wouldn't mind doing what that bull is doing. What do you think?"

The girl answered, "Go right ahead, it's your cow."

A man went to his doctor and complained that his wife hadn't wanted to have sex with him for the past six months.

The doctor told the man to bring his wife in so he could talk to her and hopefully determine what the problem was.

The following day, the wife went to the doctor's office. The doctor asked her what's wrong, why didn't she want to have sex with her husband?

"Oh, that's easily explained. For the past six months," the wife said, "I've been taking a cab to work every morning. I don't have any money. The cab driver asks me, 'Are you going to pay today, or what?' So, I take an 'or what'.

"Then, when I get to work," she continued, "I'm late, so the boss asks me, 'Are we going to write this down in the book, or what?' So, I take an 'or what'.

"I take a cab to go home after work and, as usual, I have no money. The cab driver asks me again, 'So, are you going to pay this time, or what?' Again, I take an 'or what'.

"So you see, doc, by the time I get home I'm all tired out and don't want it any more."

"Yes, I see," replied the doctor. "So, are we going to tell your husband, or what?"

Maybe not the most appropriate joke this week, but here it is...

A guy walked into a crowded bar, waving his unholstered pistol and yelled, "I have a 45 calibre Colt 1911 with a seven round magazine plus one in the chamber and I want to know who's been sleeping with my wife."

A voice from the back of the room called out, "You need more ammo!"

A priest died and went to Heaven...

Some time after he arrived, he noticed that one of the other people in Heaven, a New York City cab driver, was being treated with much more respect than he was.

So he went to the Lord and asked, "Lord, why is that man being treated much better than me when all he did for a living was drive a taxi cab, when I dedicated my life to teaching others about you?"

The Lord asked, "When people came to your church, were they always alert and paying close attention to you?"

"No." the priest admitted, "In fact, they would even fall asleep sometimes during my sermons."

"Well, that man was a cab driver in New York City," said the Lord, "And not only were the people he drove very wide awake, but they were usually praying."

On a beautiful desolate island in the middle of nowhere, the following group of people were shipwrecked :

2 Italian men and 1 Italian woman

2 French men and 1 French woman

2 German men and 1 German woman

2 Greek men and 1 Greek woman

2 Latvian men and 1 Latvian woman

2 Japanese men and 1 Japanese woman

2 Chinese men and 1 Chinese woman

2 Australian men and 1 Australian woman

2 Irish men and 1 Irish woman

2 English men and 1 English woman

One month later on the same island in the middle of nowhere, the following things occurred:

One Italian man killed the other Italian man for the Italian woman.

The two French men and the French woman are living happily together in ménages à trois.

The two German men have a strict weekly schedule of alternating visits with the German woman.

The two Greek men are sleeping with each other and the Greek woman is cleaning and cooking for them.

The two Latvian men took one long look at the endless ocean, another long look at the Latvian woman, and started swimming.

The two Japanese men have faxed Tokyo and are awaiting instructions.

The two Chinese men have set up a pharmacy, a liquor store, a restaurant and a laundry, and have got the woman pregnant in order to supply employees for their stores.

The two Australian men are contemplating suicide because the Australian woman keeps complaining about: her body; the true nature of feminism; how she can do everything they can do; the necessity of fulfilment; the equal division of household chores; how sand and palm trees make her look fat; how her last boyfriend respected her opinion and treated her nicer than they do; how her relationship with her mother is improving, and how at least the taxes are low and it isn't raining.

The two Irish men have divided the island into North and South and have set up a distillery. They do not remember if sex is in the picture because it gets sort of foggy after the first few litres of coconut whisky. But they're satisfied because at least the English aren't having any fun.

The two English men are waiting for someone to introduce them to the English woman.

A teacher asks her students to discuss what their dads do for a living.

Little Mary says: "My Dad is a lawyer. He puts the bad guys in jail."

Little Jack says: "My Dad is a doctor. He makes all the sick people better."

All the kids in the class had their turn except Little Johnny. The teacher says: "Johnny, what does your Dad do?"

Johnny says: "My Dad is dead."

"I'm sorry to hear that, but what did he do before he died?"

"He turned blue, and shat on the carpet."

It was the first day of school in the USA, and a new Indian student named Chandrasekhar Subramanian entered the fourth grade.

The teacher said, "Let's begin by reviewing some American history. Who said, 'Give me Liberty, or give me Death'?"

She saw a sea of blank faces, except for Chandrasekhar, who had his hand up. "Patrick Henry, 1775," he said.

"Very good! Who said, 'Government of the People, by the People, for the People, shall not perish from the Earth'?"

Again, there was no response except for Chandrasekhar. "Abraham Lincoln, 1863," said Chandrasekhar.

The teacher snapped at the class, "Class, you should be ashamed. Chandrasekhar, who is new to our country, knows more about our history than you do."

She heard a loud whisper from one of the students: "Stuff the bloody Indians."

"Who said that?" she demanded.

Chandrasekhar put his hand up.

"General Custer, 1876."

My gorgeous next door neighbour is a beginner gardener. I asked her how it was going so far.

She said, "I can't get my tomatoes to turn red like yours. Any advice?"

I said,"Every morning expose yourself to the tomatoes and you'll see they'll start blushing red."

After a week of watching her expose her beautiful body to the tomatoes, I went over and asked her, "Any luck with the tomatoes?"

She said, "Not yet, but the cucumbers are enormous."

Cinderella was now 95 years old.

After a fulfilling life with the now dead prince, she happily sat upon her rocking chair, watching the world go by from her front porch, with a cat named Brian for companionship.

One sunny afternoon out of nowhere, appeared the fairy godmother.

Cinderella said, "Fairy Godmother, what are you doing here after all these years?"

The fairy godmother replied, "Cinderella, you have lived an exemplary life since I last saw you. Is there anything for which your heart still yearns?"

Cinderella was taken aback, overjoyed, and after some thoughtful consideration, she uttered her first wish:

"The prince was wonderful, but not much of an investor. I'm living hand to mouth on my disability cheques, and I wish I were wealthy beyond comprehension."

Instantly her rocking chair turned into solid gold.

Cinderella said, "Ooh, thank you, Fairy Godmother!"

The fairy godmother replied, "It is the least that I can do. What do you want for your second wish?"

Cinderella looked down at her frail body, and said, "I wish I were young and full of the beauty and youth I once had."

At once, her wish became reality, and her beautiful young visage returned... Cinderella felt stirrings inside her that had been dormant for years.

And then the fairy godmother spoke once more: "You have one more wish, what shall it be?"

Cinderella looks over to the frightened cat in the corner and said, "I wish for you to transform Brian, my old cat, into a kind and handsome young man."

Magically, Brian suddenly underwent a fundamental change, and he stood before her a man so handsome, the likes of him neither she nor the world had ever seen.

The fairy godmother said, "Congratulations, Cinderella, enjoy your new life."

With a blazing shock of dazzling blue lightning, the fairy godmother was gone.

For a few eerie moments, Brian and Cinderella looked into each other's eyes. Cinderella sat, breathless, gazing at the most beautiful, stunningly perfect man she had ever seen.

Then Brian walked over to Cinderella, who sat transfixed in her rocking chair, and held her close in his young muscular arms.

He leaned in close, blowing her golden hair with his warm breath as he whispered...

"Bet you're sorry now that you had me neutered."