In case you haven't been keeping up with our News Updates every week, here is your chance to chuckle at the featured Foz Spots.
Koala was sitting in a gum tree smoking a joint when a little lizard walked past, looked up and said, "Hey Koala! What are you doing?"
The koala said, "Smoking a joint, come up and have some."
So the little lizard climbed up and sat next to the koala where they enjoyed a few joints. After a while the little lizard said that his mouth was dry and that he was going to get a drink from the river.
The little lizard was so stoned that he leaned over too far and fell into the river.
A crocodile saw this and swam over to the little lizard and helped him to the side. Then he asked the little lizard, "What's the matter with you?"
The little lizard explained to the crocodile that he had been sitting with the koala in the tree, smoking a joint, but got too stoned and fell into the river while taking a drink.
The crocodile said that he had to check this out and walked into the rain forest, found the tree where the koala was sitting finishing a joint. The crocodile looked up and said,
So the koala looked down at him and said,
"Bloody hell... How much water did you drink!?"
God said, "Go down into that valley"
Adam said, "What's a valley?"
God explained it to him.
Then God said "Cross the River."
Adam said, "What's a river?"
God explained that to him, and then said, "Go over to the hill."
Adam said, "What is a hill?"
So, God explained to Adam what a hill was.
He told Adam, "On the other side of the hill you will find a cave."
Adam said, "What's a cave?"
After God explained, He said, "In the cave you will find a woman."
Adam said, "What's a woman?"
So God explained that to him, too
Then, God said, "I want you to reproduce."
Adam said, "How do I do that?"
God first said (under His breath), "Geez..."
And then, just like everything else, God explained that to Adam, as well.
So, Adam went down into the valley, across the river, and over the hill, into the cave, and found the woman.
In about five minutes, he was back.
God, His patience wearing thin, said angrily, "What is it now?"
And Adam said...
"What's a Headache?"
They have a system for snow clearing in Canada. The radio announced that there would be six inches of snow over-night, and asked residents to park their cars on the even numbered side of the street so the snow-ploughs would have a clear run.
The guy's wife went straight out and parked as instructed.
Next evening the radio forecast there would be a further nine inches of snow and advised people to park on the odd side of the highway so their snow-ploughs could get through.
Again the wife went out immediately to park as requested.
On the third evening the radio announced an expected snowfall of twelve to fifteen inches ... and then there was a power cut and the radio went dead.
The confused wife was left wondering where to park and asked her husband for advice.
He replied "Why don't you just leave it in the garage tonight?"
Three Italian nuns died and went to heaven where they were welcomed by St. Peter at the pearly gates.
St. Peter said "Sisters, you all led such wonderful lives, that I'm granting you six months to go back to Earth and be anyone you want."
The first nun said, "I want to be Sophia Loren." and POOF she's gone.
The second said, "I want to be Madonna." and POOF she's gone.
The third said, "I want to be Sarah Pipalini."
St. Peter looked perplexed. "Who?" he asks.
"Sarah Pipalini" replied the nun.
St. Peter shook his head and said, "I'm sorry, that name just doesn't ring a bell."
The nun then took a newspaper out of her habit and handed it to St. Peter. He read the paper and started laughing.
"No Sister, he laughed, this says 'Sahara Pipeline, laid by 500 men in 7 days'!"
The mother-in-law arrived home from the shops to find her son-in-law in a steaming rage and hurriedly packing his suitcase.
What's up, me Duck?" she asked anxiously.
"What happened? I'll tell you what happened. I sent a text to my wife telling her I was coming home early today from my motorcycle rally. I arrived home... and guess what I found? Yes, your daughter, my wife, naked with Frankie McNaughton in our marital bed!
"This is unforgivable, the end of our marriage. I'm done. I'm leaving forever!"
"Ah now, calm down, calm down!" said his mother-in-law. "There is something very odd going on here. My daughter would never do such a thing! There must be a simple explanation. I'll go speak to her immediately and find out what happened."
Moments later, the mother-in-law came back with a big smile.
"I told you there must be a simple explanation ... she never got your text."
A young Scottish lad and lassie were sitting on a low stone wall, holding hands, and just gazing out over the loch. For several minutes they sat silently, then finally the girl looked at the boy and said, "A penny for your thoughts, Angus."
"Well, uh, I was thinkin'... perhaps it's aboot time for a wee kiss."
The girl blushed, leaned over and kissed him lightly on the cheek. Then he blushed too. Then the two turned once again to gaze out over the loch.
After a while the girl spoke again. "Another penny for your thoughts, Angus."
The young man knit his brow. "Well, now," he said, "my thoughts are a bit more serious this time."
"Really?" said the girl in a whisper, filled with anticipation.
"Aye," said the lad. "D'ye noo think it's aboot time ye paid me that first penny?"
A young man was waiting in line at a post office when he noticed an older man in the corner of the office, licking stamps that say Love on them and putting them on bright pink envelopes.
The man then took a bottle of perfume from his jacket pocket and sprayed the envelopes.
Curiosity got the better of the young man, so he walked over and asked the older man what he was doing.
"I'm sending out five hundred Valentine's cards with the phrase 'Guess Who?' written inside."
"Why?" the young man asked.
The man smiled and said,
"Because I'm a divorce lawyer."
His Lordship was in the study when the butler approached and coughed discreetly.
"May I ask you a question, My Lord?"
"Go ahead, Carson," said His Lordship.
"I am doing the crossword in The Times and found a word the exact meaning of which I am not too certain."
"What word is that?" asked His Lordship.
"Aplomb, My Lord."
"Now that's a difficult one to explain. I would say it is self-assurance or complete composure."
"Thank you, My Lord, but I'm still a little confused about it."
"Let me give you an example to make it clearer. Do you remember a few months ago when the Duke and Duchess of Cambridge arrived to spend a weekend with us?"
"I remember the occasion very well, My Lord. It gave the staff and myself much pleasure to look after them."
"Also," continued the Earl, "do you remember when Will plucked a rose for Kate in the rose garden?"
"I was present on that occasion, My Lord, ministering to their needs."
"While Will was plucking the rose, a thorn embedded itself in his thumb very deeply."
"I witnessed the incident, My Lord, and saw the Duchess herself remove the thorn and bandage his thumb with her own dainty handkerchief."
"That evening the hole the rose made in his thumb was very sore. Kate had to cut his venison for him, even though it was extremely tender."
"Yes, My Lord, I did see everything that transpired that evening."
"And do you remember the next morning while you were pouring coffee for Her Ladyship, Kate inquired of Will in a loud voice, 'Darling, is your prick still throbbing?'
"And you, Carson, did not spill one drop of coffee...
"That, Carson, is aplomb."
One evening, soon after their honeymoon, club member Tom was working on his motorcycle in the garage.
His new wife was standing there at the workbench watching him.
After a long period of silence she finally spoke: "Honey, I've just been thinking, now that we are married, maybe it's time you quit spending all your time out here in the garage. You probably should just consider selling your motorcycles and all the paraphernalia."
Tom got a quizzical look on his face.
She said, "Darling, what's wrong?"
He replied, "For a minute there you were starting to sound like my ex-wife."
"Ex-wife?" she shouted.
"YOU NEVER TOLD ME YOU WERE MARRIED BEFORE!"
Tom replied: "I wasn't."
Four nuns die and appear at the gates of Heaven. When they get there St. Peter tells them to form a queue, then says to the first one, "Recount your sins."
She says, "Well, once I looked at a man's penis."
St. Peter closes his eyes for a few seconds, then says, "The Lord has forgiven you."
He then points to a bowl of water and says, "Rub some holy water in your eyes and you may enter Heaven." And that is what she did.
Then St. Peter tells the second nun to recount her sins, and she says, "Well, once I touched a man's penis."
St. Peter closes his eyes for a few seconds again, then says, "The Lord has forgiven you. Wash your hands in the holy water and you may enter Heaven." And that is what she did.
Then the fourth nun pushes ahead of the third nun, saying, "I want to gargle before she sits in it."
Three Englishmen were in a bar and spotted an Irishman. One of the guys said he was going to bug him.
He walked over to the Irishman and tapped him on the shoulder. "Hey, I hear your St. Patrick was a sissy."
"Oh really, hmm, didn't know that."
Puzzled, the Englishman walked back to his buddies. "I told him St. Patrick was a sissy and he didn't care!"
"You just don't know how to set him off. Watch and learn." The second Englishman walked over and tapped the Irishman on the shoulder. "I hear your St. Patrick was a transvestite!"
"Oh, wow, I didn't know that, thank you."
Shocked beyond belief, the Englishman went back to his buddies. "You are right, he is unshakable!"
The third Englishman said: "No, no, no, I will really bug him, you just watch."
The Englishman walked over to the Irish man, tapped him on the shoulder and said: "I hear your St. Patrick was an Englishman!"
"Yeah, that's what your buddies were trying to tell me."
A little old Jewish lady took her young grandson to the beach. He was playing in the shallow water. She was standing on the beach not wanting to get her feet wet, when all of a sudden, a huge wave appeared from nowhere and crashed directly over the spot where the little boy was wading.
The water receded and the boy was no longer there. He had simply vanished into the sea.
The grandmother raised her hands high up toward the sky, screamed and cried, "Lord, how could you take him? Have I not been a wonderful grandmother? Have I not been a wonderful mother? Have I not given to B'nai B'rith? Have I not given to Hadassah? Have I not lit candles every Friday night at dusk? Have I not tried my very best to live the life that you would have me live?"
A loud voice boomed down from the sky, "Okay, okay, already!" A few seconds later another huge wave appeared out of nowhere and crashed on the beach.
As the water receded, the little boy was playing there, smiling, splashing around as if nothing had ever happened. The loud voice boomed again "I have returned your grandson. Are you satisfied?"
The grandmother looked at the boy for a moment, cupped her hands to her mouth and yelled up at the sky,
"He had a hat!"
Mr Luckinbill came home one night, and his wife threw her arms around his neck: "I have great news... I'm a month overdue. I think we're going to have a baby!
The doctor gave me a test today, but until we find out for sure, we can't tell anybody."
The next day, Mrs Luckinbill received a telephone call from Reliance Energy because the electricity bill had not been paid.
"Am I speaking to Mrs Luckinbill?"
Reliance guy, "You're a month overdue, you know!"
"How do YOU know?" stammered the young woman.
"Well, ma'am, it's in our files!" said the Reliance guy.
"What are you saying? It's in your files ... HOW?"
"Yes ... We have a system of finding out who's overdue."
"GOD! This is too much..."
"Madam, I am sorry, I am just following orders, I have to inform that you are overdue."
"I know that ... let me talk to my husband about this tonight. He will speak to your company tomorrow."
That night, she told her husband about the incident, and he, mad as a bull, rushed to the Reliance office the next morning.
"What's going on? You have it on file that my wife is a month overdue? What business is that of yours?" the husband shouted.
"Just calm down," said the lady at the reception at Reliance, "it's nothing serious. All you have to do is pay us."
"PAY you? And if I refuse?"
"Well, in that case, sir, we'd have no option but to cut yours off."
"And what would my wife do then?" the husband asked.
"Well, I don't know. I guess she'd have to use a candle!"
Three Oz motorcycle friends were out on the road, Mongrel, Coot and Bluey.
As they reached a series of bends Coot lost the plot, high-sided, hit a post and was killed instantly.
As the ambulance took his body away, Bluey said, "Someone's gotta go and break it to Coot's wife."
Mongrel said, "OK, I'm pretty good at that sensitive stuff, I'll do it."
Two hours later, he came back carrying a case of beer. Bluey said, "Where'd you get the grog, Mongrel?"
"Coot's wife gave it to me," Mongrel replied.
"That's unbelievable. You told the Missus her husband was dead and she gave you a case of beer?"
"Well, not exactly", Mongrel said. "When she answered the door, I said to her, 'You must be Coot's widow.' and she said, 'You're mistaken. I'm not a widow.'".
"Then I said, 'I'll betcha a case of beer you are'."
A woman took a job at The Tickle Me Elmo factory, which makes dolls that laugh when tickled under the arms, and she reported for her first day promptly at 8:00 am.
At 8:45 am there was a knock at the Personnel Manager’s door. The Foreman threw open the door and began a rant about the new employee.
He complained that she was incredibly slow and the whole line was backing up, putting the entire production line behind schedule.
The Personnel Manager decided he should see this for himself, so the two men marched down to the factory floor. When they got there the line was so backed up that there were Tickle Me Elmos all over the factory floor and really beginning to pile up.
At the end of the line the woman stood surrounded by mountains of Tickle Me Elmos. She had a roll of plush red fabric and a huge bag of small marbles.
The two men watched in amazement as she cut a little piece of fabric, wrapped it around two marbles and began to carefully sew the little package between Elmo's legs.
The Personnel Manager burst into laughter. After several minutes of hysterics he pulled himself together and approached her.
"I'm sorry," he said to her, barely able to keep a straight face, "but I think you misunderstood the instructions I gave you."
"Your job is to give Elmo two test tickles."
A horny gorilla saw a lion bent over a small stream, taking a drink. The gorilla ran up behind the lion, grabbed on, and had his way with him. The gorilla then took off running, with the very angry lion on his heels. As they ran through the jungle, the gorilla gained a bit of a lead, and saw a safari camp ahead.
The gorilla entered the camp, grabbed some khakis that were hung out to dry, and put on pants, a shirt, and a hat. He sat on a chair by the campfire and picked up a copy of the local paper, pretending to read, to hide his face.
The lion entered the campsite and let out a huge roar. He yelled, "Did anyone see a gorilla run through here?"
The gorilla, in full disguise, called out, "You mean the one that ****ed the lion up the ar5e?"
The lion exclaimed, "Oh my god! It's in the paper already!"
A woman in her 70s decided it was finally time to get married.
She put an ad in the newspaper. "Husband wanted. Must not beat me, must not walk all over me, must still be good in bed"
She got many applicants but after a few weeks she didn't find anybody suitable. She was about to give up, when she heard her doorbell ring. She opens the door to find a man with no arms or legs sitting in a wheelchair.
"Can I help you?" She asks.
The man smiled and said "It's me, your new husband!"
"You must be joking..." The woman laughed.
"Well think about it," he said. "I have no arms so I cannot beat you. I have no legs so I can't walk all over you."
The woman's eyes narrowed and she asked "Are you still good in bed?"
The man leaned back in his chair and smiled.
"I rang the doorbell didn't I?"
Charles, a new retiree-greeter at KMart, just couldn't seem to get to work on time.
Every day he was 5, 10, 15 minutes late. But he was a good worker, really tidy, clean-shaven, sharp-minded and a real credit to the company and obviously demonstrating their "Older Person Friendly" policies.
One day the boss called him into the office for a talk;
"Charles, I have to tell you, I like your work ethic, you do a bang-up job when you finally get here, but your being late so often is quite bothersome."
"Yes sir, I know, and I am working on it."
"Well good, you are a team player. That's what I like to hear."
"Yes sir, I understand your concern and I'll try harder."
Seeming puzzled, the manager went on to comment "It's odd though your coming in late. I know you're retired from the Armed Forces. What did they say to you there if you showed up in the morning so late and so often?"
The old man looked down at the floor, then smiled. He chuckled quietly, then said with a grin
"They usually saluted and said: 'Good morning General, can I get your coffee sir?' "
A club member went to a bar and saw a big jar of fiver pound notes. He asked the bartender "What's with the money?"
The bartender replied "We're having a contest. You have to put five quid in the jar. Then you have to complete three tasks. If you pass, you get all the money in the jar."
"Ah what the hell. Let's give it a try," said our pal, and put a fiver in the jar.
"First" said the bartender, "you have to drink a large glass of tequila without making a face. Second, there is a vicious rottweiler outside with a sore tooth. You have to pull out the sore tooth. Third, upstairs there is an old woman who has never had sex in her life. You have to have sex with her. OK?"
"Fine" said our pal. The bartender gave him the glass of tequila and he drank the whole thing without making a face.
Now drunk, he went outside. The bartender heard lots of yelling and barking. When the guy came back, he was all shredded up.
He asked "OK, where's the woman with the sore tooth?"
I was desperate and I couldn't get a date with a girl to save my life until...
I swiped right on a blind date, a profile picture. She asked me to pick her up, so I did, but I wasn't expecting much. I went up to the door expecting 400lbs of desperation, but she answered the door 5 foot 2 with baby blue eyes, strawberry blonde curls and all the right curves in all the right places.
I said WOW and gave her my name. She gave me hers, so I asked what she did.
She said "I'm a Sunday school teacher."
I said "Well, I ain't never been with a Christian woman before but I'm open minded about the whole affair."
So we got in my car and I was trying to impress her now. I headed to the fanciest place in town that didn't need a reservation. I asked her if she'd like to smoke a joint while we waited.
She said "Heavens no! What would I tell my Sunday school children?" And I apologised.
I figure weed's 50/50, some people do, some people don't, so I took a few puffs and then we got a table.
She ordered the lobster, I ordered the steak. I asked for the 2nd most expensive bottle of wine on the list, but when our waiter came to pour it, she declined saying "Heavens no! What would I tell my Sunday school children?"
I knew right then and there it was a bust. We ate our pricey meals. We talked and laughed. Had a great time at dinner but I drank that whole pricey bottle by myself thinking her Christ was one helluva cock blocker.
Driving her home we passed a cheap motel. I figured I'd got nothing left to lose, so I said "Why don't we get a room and make like bunnies?"
She said "I thought you'd never ask!"
I said "really? What will you tell your Sunday school children?"
She said, "The same thing I tell them every week...
"YOU DON'T HAVE TO DRINK AND SMOKE TO HAVE A GOOD TIME!"
A new supermarket opened near my house.
It has an automatic water mister to keep the produce fresh. Just before it goes on, you hear the sound of distant thunder and the smell of fresh rain.
When you pass the milk shelves, you hear cows mooing, and experience the scent of fresh mown hay.
At the meat counter there is the aroma of charcoal grilled steaks with onions.
When you approach the egg case you hear hens cluck and cackle and the air is filled with the pleasing aroma of bacon and eggs frying.
The bakery aisle features the tantalising smell of fresh baked bread & cookies.
I just don't buy toilet paper there any more!
The baker's shop was quite empty when the dog walked in with a basket in his mouth, a list and money tied round his neck. The assistant looked at the list, filled the basket with two loaves of bread, three doughnuts and a treacle tart, and the dog left swiftly.
Every Tuesday afternoon the same thing would happen. The dog would arrive at the quietest time, get the basket filled and then disappear. The assistant became more and more intrigued. One Tuesday, she decided to follow the dog and discover where it went when it left the shop. Having got permission for some time off, she closely followed the animal. He crossed the busy high street, took a shortcut up an alley, walked across the park and strolled into the council estate. Five minutes later, he turned into a garden and walked up to the front door where he rang the bell.
All of a sudden, the door was flung open and the dog was booted back down the path.
Outraged at this behaviour, the assistant called from the road, "What do you think you're doing? This is a very special dog, don't treat it in such a cruel way."
"Keep out of this!" snarled the man.
"That bloody dog's got to learn. It's the second time this month he's forgotten his keys!"
A biker went to a pub and ordered a pint. As he sat sipping his beer, a young lady sat down next to him.
She turned to the biker and asked, "Are you a real biker?"
He replied, "Well, I've spent my whole life on motorcycles. My mother rode on the back of my pa's Norton when she was pregnant with me. Then as a little boy I rode pillion with my pa until I finally got my own bike. I've been riding motorcycles and rallying with the Leicester Phoenix ever since. So yes, I guess I am a real biker."
She said, "I'm a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about women. As soon as I get up in the morning, I think about women; when I shower, watch TV, eat, whatever, everything seems to make me think of women." Then she got up and left.
The biker was thinking about what just happened when a man sat down next to him and asked, "Are you a real biker?"
He replied, "I always thought I was, but I just found out I'm a lesbian!"
An Essex girl was visiting the zoo when suddenly, as she passed the monkey house, a huge ape grabbed her, pulled her over the moat and gave her a good seeing to.
Afterwards she was taken to hospital in a state of shock and it was almost a week before she was allowed any visitors. When she did eventually have friends to see her and they asked how she was, she replied,
"Terrible. He hasn't phoned, he hasn't written..."
Three bikers were discussing how best to drive women crazy.
The Honda rider said he nibbled their ears and their toes and it really turned them on.
The Ducati owner said he kissed them all over and it drove them mad.
The BSA rider said that after he'd made love to them, he wiped his member on their curtains; that really did drive them wild!
I think my licence might be in jeopardy, and all just because of a stupid Traffic Patrol.
The conversation went like this, when I got pulled over on my bike:
Cop: "Licence and registration, please, I think you are drunk!"
Me: "I assure you, I did not drink anything."
Cop: "Ok' let's do a little test! Imagine driving in the dark on a highway at night, when you see two lights in the distance; What is this?"
Me: "A car."
Cop: "Of course! But which one? A Mercedes, an Audi or a Ford?"
Me: "I have no idea!"
Cop: "So, you're drunk."
Me: "But I didn't drink anything."
Cop: "Okay, one more test. Imagine, you drive in the dark on a highway at night, and there is one light coming at you. What is it?"
Me: "A motorcycle."
Cop: "Of course! But which one? A Honda, a Kawasaki or a Harley?"
Me: "I have no idea!"
Cop: "As I suspected, you're drunk!"
Then I started to get annoyed and asked a counter question.
Me: "So... counter question. You're driving in the dark on a highway at night and see a woman on the roadside. She wears a mini skirt, fishnet stockings, high heeled shoes and only a bra as a top. What is this?"
Cop: "A prostitute of course."
Me: "Yes, but which one? Your daughter, your wife or your mother?"
Things went downhill from there, and now I have a court date to attend...
Mr Dickson had a habit of asking daft questions from his pupils. One day, he asked his 4th graders if anyone knew how to put 2 holes into 1 hole.
Since no one was able to answer the question, he told the kids to go home and ask their fathers.
Kids came back the next day. No one knew the answer.
"Look," said Mr. Dickson, quite enjoying himself while holding his index finger against his thumb, forming a little 'zero'. "This is one hole, my nose has 2 holes, and I can put my hand over my nose and make my nose holes appear inside this other hole."
"Ahh, right" said the children.
The next day, Little Johnny stood up and said, "Mr. Dickson, my daddy wants to know if you know how to put 7 holes in one hole."
"Hmmmm," Mr Dickson said, "How do you put 7 holes in one? Well, I'll be darned. I don't know how to do that. Um, did your father tell you how to?"
"Yes," said Little Johnny, He asked me to tell you, "Take a flute and shove it up your ***"!"
After being married for 30 years, a wife asked a past member to describe her.
He looked at her for a while, then said, "You're an alphabet wife. A, B, C, D, E, F, G, H, I, J, K."
She asked, "What does that mean?"
He said, "Adorable, Beautiful, Cute, Delightful, Elegant, Fabulous, Gorgeous and Hot."
She smiled happily and said, "Oh, that's lovely, but what about I, J, K?"
He said, "I'm Just Kidding!"
Memorial service is on Tuesday afternoon.
A very tall man walks into a bar and a lady recognizes him as a pro Rugby player. They start to talk and eventually go back to his place.
They start to kiss, and the man takes off his shirt. On his arm, he has a tattoo that says REEBOK.
"What's that for?" the lady questions.
"Oh, I have this so that when I'm on TV, people will see my tattoo, and Reebok pays me."
Then the man takes off his trousers, and on his leg, he has a tattoo that says NIKE.
"What's that?" the lady questions again.
"Just like the Reebok tattoo, I get paid when this tattoo is seen on TV."
Then the man drops his underwear and on his penis he has a tattoo that says AIDS.
The lady screams: "Don't tell me you have AIDS!"
The man replies: "No, no! Calm down!
"It will say ADIDAS in a minute."
I boarded a bus, A woman and her 7 years old son were sitting near me. It was raining and all the twilight girls (Prostitutes) were standing by the roadside.
The boy asked; "Mummy, what are all those women doing?.
His Mother replied; "They are waiting for their husbands to come back from work."
The bus driver turned around and said; "Why don't you tell him the truth?"
"Little boy, they are prostitutes, they sleep with men for money" said the Driver
The boy's eyes got wide and asked; "Mummy is that true?"
His mother, glaring hard at the driver replied; "Yes!"
After a few minutes, the boy asked; "Mummy, what happens to the babies those women have?"
She replied; "Most of them become bus drivers."
They had to call the police to stop the fight.
A young lady, goes to her local pet shop in search of an exotic pet. As she looks about the store, she notices a box full of frogs. The sign says: "Sex Frogs! Only £20 each! Money-Back Guarantee! Comes with complete instructions."
The girl excitedly looks around to see if anyone's watching her and whispers softly to the man behind the counter, "I'll take one."
The man packages the frog and says, "Just follow the instructions carefully."
The girl nods grabs the box and quickly makes her way home.
As soon as she closes the door to her apartment, the girl takes out the instructions and reads them thoroughly, doing exactly what it says to do:
1. Take a shower.
2. Splash on some nice smelling perfume.
3. Slip into a very sexy teddy.
4. Crawl into bed and place the frog down on the bed.
She then quickly gets into bed with the frog and, to her surprise, nothing happens! The girl is totally frustrated and quite upset at this point.
She rereads the instructions and notices the print at the bottom of the paper: "If you have any problems or questions, please call the pet shop" So, the lady calls the pet shop.
The man says, "I've already had some complaints earlier today. I'll be right over."
Within five minutes, the man is ringing her doorbell.
The lady welcomes him in and says, "See, I've done everything according to the instructions and the damn thing just sits there."
The man, looking very concerned, picks up the frog, stares directly into its eyes, and sternly says, "Listen to me! I'm only going to show you how to do this one more time!"
A young doctor moved out to a small community to replace a doctor who was retiring.
The older doctor suggested that the young one accompany him on his rounds, so the community could become used to a new doctor.
At the first house a woman complains, "I've been a little sick to my stomach."
The older doctor says, "Well, you've probably been overdoing the fresh fruit. Cut back on the amount you've been eating and see if that does the trick?"
As they left, the younger man said, "You didn't even examine that woman? How'd you come to the diagnosis so quickly?"
"I didn't have to. You noticed I dropped my stethoscope on the floor in there? When I bent over to pick it up, I noticed a half dozen banana peels in the bin. That was what probably was making her sick."
The younger doctor said, "Pretty clever. If you don't mind, I think I'll try that at the next house."
Arriving at the next house, they spent several minutes talking with a younger woman. She said that she just didn't have the energy she once did and said, "I'm feeling terribly run down lately."
"You've probably been doing too much for the church," the younger doctor told her. "Perhaps you should cut back a bit and see if that helps."
As they left, the elder doctor said, "I know that woman well. Your diagnosis is most certainly correct, she's very active in the church, but how did you arrive at it?"
"I did what you did at the last house. I dropped my stethoscope and, when I bent down to retrieve it, I noticed the priest under the bed."
Toward the end of the golf course, Dave somehow managed to hit his ball into the woods, finding it in a patch of pretty yellow buttercups.
Trying to get his ball back in play, he ended up thrashing just about every buttercup in the patch.
All of a sudden, in a flash and puff of smoke, a little old woman appeared.
She said, "I'm Mother Nature! Do you know how long it took me to make those buttercups?
"Just for that, you won't have any butter for your popcorn the rest of your life; better still; you won't have any butter for your toast for the rest of your life as a matter of fact, you won't have any butter for anything!"
THEN POOF! She was gone. After Dave got a hold of himself, he hollered for his friend Fred. "Fred, where are you?"
Fred yells back, "I'm over here, in the pussywillows."
Dave yells back......
"DON'T SWING FRED!!! For God's sake, DON'T SWING!!"
An Irish painter by the name of Murphy, while not a brilliant scholar, was a gifted portrait artist. Over a short number of years, his fame grew, and soon people from all over Ireland were coming to Milltown in County Clare to get him to paint their likenesses.
One day, a beautiful young English woman arrived at his house in a stretch limo and asked if he would paint her in the nude. This being the first time anyone had made such a request, he was a bit perturbed, particularly when the woman told him that money was no object; moreover, she was willing to pay up to 10,000 pounds.
Not wanting to get into any marital strife, he asked her to wait while he went into the house to confer with Mary, his wife. They talked much about the Rightness and Wrongness of it. It was hard to make the decision but finally his wife agreed - on one condition.
In a few minutes he returned. "The wife says it's okay. T'would be me pleasure to paint y'portrait, missus," he said. "I'll paint you in the nude alright, but I have to leave me socks on, so I have a place to wipe me brushes."
Johnny's teacher is giving a lesson on Nutrition and she decides to ask her students what they had for Breakfast. To add a Spelling Component, she asks the students to also spell their answers:
Susan puts up her hand and says she had an Egg, 'E-G-G'
"Very good." Says the teacher.
Peter says he had Toast,
"Excellent." Says the teacher
Johnny has his hand up and the teacher reluctantly calls on him:
"I had Sod All." He says.
The teacher is mortified and scolds Johnny for his rude answer.
Later when the lesson turns to Geography, she asks the students some elementary questions. Susan correctly identifies the Capital of Canada. Peter is able to tell her which ocean is off Canada's East Coast.
When it's Johnny's turn, the teacher remembers his rude answer from the Nutrition Lesson, and decides to give him a very difficult question:
"Johnny." She asks. "Where is the Mexican Border?"
Johnny ponders the question and finally says. "The Mexican boarder is in bed with my mother. That's why I got Sod All for Breakfast!"
A man playing on a new golf course got confused as to what hole he was on. He saw a lady playing ahead of him, so he walked up to her and asked if she knew what hole he was playing...
She replied, "I'm on the 7th hole and you're a hole behind me, so you must be on the 6th hole."
He thanked her and went back to his golf.
On the back nine, the same thing happened and he approached the lady, again with the same request.
She said, "I'm on the 14th, you are a hole behind me, so you must be on the 13th."
Once again, he thanked her.
He finished his round, went into the club house and saw the lady sitting at the end of the bar.
He went up to her and said, "Let me buy you a drink to show my appreciation for your help."
He started a conversation and asked her what kind of work she did.
She said she was in sales and he said he was in sales also.
He asked what she sold.
She replied, "If I told you, you would only laugh."
"No, I wouldn't." he said.
She said, "I sell tampons."
With that he fell on the floor laughing so hard.
She said, "See, I knew you would laugh."
"That's not what I'm laughing at!" he replied. "I'm a toilet paper salesman, so I'm STILL one hole behind you!"
One night a blonde teenage girl brought her new boyfriend home to meet her parents, and they were appalled by his appearance: leather jacket, motorcycle boots, tattoos, and pierced nose. Later, the parents pulled their daughter aside and confessed their concern.
"Dear," said the mother diplomatically, "he just doesn't seem very nice."
"Mum," replied the daughter, "if he wasn't nice, why would he be doing 5000 hours of community service?"
Boy: "Dad, I've been wondering - why is my sister called Rose?"
Father: "Because your mother likes roses".
Boy: "Okay, thanks Dad, that explains it".
Father: "No problem Dick".
Two Leicester Phoenix members were motorcycling through Anglesey towards the Holyhead ferry.
When they arrived at Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwllllantysiliogogogoch they stopped for lunch and one of the guys asked the waitress: "Before we order, I wonder if you could settle an argument for us. Can you pronounce the name of the place we are in now, very, very, very slowly?"
The girl leaned over and said:
Dave turned up unannounced at a friend's house late one evening and asked whether he could stay the night.
The friend said: "Sure. You can either sleep on the floor in the living room, or you can sleep in the room with Baby."
"I think I'll sleep on the floor in the living room," said Dave.
The next morning he went to the bathroom and bumped into a beautiful blonde.
"Hi, who are you?" he asked.
"I'm Baby," she said. "I'm the new au pair. Who are you?"
After I retired, my wife insisted that I accompany her on her shopping trips. Unfortunately, like most men, I found shopping boring and preferred to get in and get out. Equally unfortunate, my wife is like most women - loves to browse & leaves me with endless time to fill.
Yesterday my dear wife received the following letter, from the local department store.
Over the past six months, your husband has caused quite a commotion in our store.
We cannot tolerate this behaviour and have been forced to, ban both of you from the store.
Our complaints against your husband are listed below as recorded by our video surveillance cameras:
1. June 15: He took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in other people's carts when they weren't looking.
2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.
3. July 7: He made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the Ladies' restroom.
4. August 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told the children shoppers he'd invite them in if they would bring pillows and blankets from the bedding department, to which twenty children obliged.
5. September 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a mirror while he picked his nose.
6. September 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, he asked the assistant where the antidepressants were.
7. September 19: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through, yelled "PICK ME! PICK ME!"
8. Took a box of condoms to the checkout and asked "Where is the fitting room?"
And last, but not least:
9. October 1: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile; then yelled very loudly, "Hey! There's no toilet paper in here."
One of our clerks passed out.
We hang petty thieves and appoint the great thieves to public office.
~ Aesop, Greek slave & fable author
Those who are too smart to engage in politics are punished by being governed by those who are dumber.
~ Plato, ancient Greek Philosopher
Politicians are the same all over. They promise to build a bridge even where there is no river.
~ Nikita Khrushchev, Russian Soviet politician
When I was a boy I was told that anybody could become President/Prime Minister; I'm beginning to believe it.
~ Quoted in 'Clarence Darrow for the Defense' by Irving Stone.
Politicians are people who, when they see light at the end of the tunnel, go out and buy some more tunnel.
~ John Quinton, American actor/writer
Politics is the gentle art of getting votes from the poor and campaign funds from the rich, by promising to protect each from the other.
~ Oscar Ameringer, "the Mark Twain of American Socialism."
I offered my opponents a deal: "if they stop telling lies about me, I will stop telling the truth about them".
~ Adlai Stevenson, campaign speech, 1952..
A politician is a fellow who will lay down your life for his country.
~ Texas Guinan. 19th century American businessman
I have come to the conclusion that politics is too serious a matter to be left to the politicians.
~ Charles de Gaulle, French general & politician
Instead of giving a politician the keys to the city, it might be better to change the locks.
~ Doug Larson 1902-1981 (English middle-distance runner who won gold medals at the 1924 Olympic Games in Paris)
What happens if a politician drowns in a river?
It is pollution.
What happens if all of them drown?
That is solution!
After many years of service in the house of Lord and Lady Duckmuck, the cook was asked to leave to make way for someone younger and more dynamic. On the day of departure, she received her final wages and a small box of chocolates as a 'thank you' for loyal service.
"Well, I never!" she exclaimed, throwing the box of chocolates at the old dog.
"Why on earth did you do that?" they demanded.
"At least I show proper appreciation to those who've worked hard.
"That's to say thanks to the dog for helping me clean all the dishes over these past fifteen years."
A lion woke up one morning with an overbearing desire to remind his fellow creatures that he was king of the jungle. So he marched over to a monkey and roared: "Who is the mightiest animal in the jungle?"
"You are, Master," said the monkey, quivering.
Then the lion came across a wildebeest.
"Who is the mightiest animal in the jungle?" roared the lion.
"You are, Master," answered the wildebeest, shaking with fear.
Next the lion met an elephant.
"Who is the mightiest animal in the jungle?" roared the lion.
The elephant grabbed the lion with his trunk, slammed him repeatedly against a tree, dropped him like a stone and ambled off.
"All right," shouted the lion. "There's no need to turn nasty just because you don't know the answer."
DIARY ON A CRUISE SHIP
DEAR DIARY : DAY 1.
All packed for the cruise ship -- all my sexiest dresses and make-up. Really excited.
DEAR DIARY : DAY 2.
Entire day at sea, beautiful and saw whales and dolphins.
Met the Captain today ~ seems like a very nice man.
DEAR DIARY : DAY 3.
At the pool today. Also some shuffle boarding and hit golf balls off the deck.
Captain invited me to join him at his table for dinner.
Felt honoured and had a wonderful time. He is very attractive and attentive.
DEAR DIARY : DAY 4.
Won $800 in the ship's casino.
Captain asked me to have dinner with him in his own cabin.
Had a luxurious meal complete with caviar and champagne.
He asked me to stay the night but I declined. Told him I could not be unfaithful to my husband.
DEAR DIARY : DAY 5.
Pool again today, got sun burnt, and went inside to drink at piano bar for rest of day.
Captain saw me, bought me several large drinks. He really is charming.
Again asked me to visit his cabin for the night. Again I declined.
He told me if I did not let him have his way with me he would sink the ship.
I was shocked.
DEAR DIARY : DAY 6.
Today I saved 1600 lives.
A lion was walking with his lioness in the woods, when suddenly a fox appeared and started yelling at the lion calling him rude names. The lioness turned to the lion and said "Defend yourself! He is insulting your honour!"
To which the lion calmly responded "He is a little bastard. Besides I know myself and every one knows me, I am the king."
The next day the same thing happened, and the day after, with the same response from the lion.
The lioness couldn't take shit from that fox, so she started hunting him. After a long chase the fox headed through a small tunnel through an old hollow tree. The lionesses followed and got stuck while the fox exited from the other end, got behind her and started f**king the shit out of her. After a couple of hours the fox disappeared, and the lioness went home without a word.
The following day, while walking with the lion, the fox appeared and started calling the lioness rude names.
Then the lion turned and said "He took you to the tree didn't he!"
Four men were caught having sex with local women at an orgy in Saudi Arabia.
The men were caught pants down and put in front of the local Sharia court. The judge found them guilty and sentenced them to 40 lashes, as the usual death penalty would cause too much bad international publicity, and also granted them one last request as foreigners to appease the foreign press.
The first one was Italian and thought for a minute and asked for a last meal of Spaghetti. After eating it he was lashed, screaming and crying for his mother at every lash until he passed out on lash 6, and after 20 lashes he was dead.
The German was up next and after looking at the dead Italian asked for 10 leather jackets, wore several and asked for the rest to be tied to his back. The first few lashes were okay, but soon it hurt and he started to moan. Twenty lashes stripped away the leather and by lash 40 he was also dead after screaming for his fatherland.
Up next was a Frenchman. He looked at the dead German and had a thought and did the maths and asked for 20 leather jackets. He couldn't wear more than four, and asked for the rest to be tied to his back. The leather survived the first 30 lashes, despite this he cried like a baby, screaming for mercy, then they broke off and he suffered terrible pain, screamed like death itself between the lashes for his motherland, and was left horribly scarred but just alive. He smiled slightly thinking he at least beat the German and was still alive.
Last up was the Englishman. He stood up in front of the judge, with a stuff upper lip and that English look of imperial superiority he said, "I am a proud Englishman. You gave an Italian, a German and a Frenchman a mere 40 lashes. This is an insult to give an Englishmen the same pathetic punishment! I demand 100 lashes!"
The judge was shocked but said, "It is true, the English are surely the bravest race of all. In honour of your bravery I grant you this. And what is your last request?"
The Englishman stood proudly and said with a firm commanding voice, "Please tie the Frenchman to my back."
A thirty-something woman routinely sat in her local bar on a Friday evening after work, casting a jaded eye over all the other regulars, when suddenly she spied a man roughly her age whom she had never seen before.
Striking up a conversation, she enquired delicately why she hadn't seen him around before.
"Well," said the bloke, "to tell you the truth I've had a bit of a rough trot. A few years back, I fell in with a bad crowd of outlaw bikers, started doing drugs and so forth, and ended up pulling a series of armed robberies. My wife found out that it was me, threatened to tell the cops, so I had to kill her. I've just got out of jail this morning, after serving twelve years..."
"Oh," said the woman, "so you're single then!"
A Jehovah's Witness, a Muslim, a Jew, and an atheist died in a plane crash.
They found themselves standing before a long white hallway filled with many doors. An angel stood before them smiling and beckons them forward.
"Welcome to the afterlife" greeted the angel. He then turned to the Jehovah's Witness first and asked, "who is your god?"
The man from New York replied "Jehovah is my God."
The angel turned and leads the group down the hallway until they stopped at a door. The angel opened the door and, much to the surprise of the others, there was Jehovah, conversing with the man's family and friends who passed on before. The Jehovah's Witness entered through the door and the angel closed the door behind him.
The angel turned to the Muslim and asked, "who is your god?"
The Oxford student bravely replied "Allah is my God."
The angel led the group down the hallway until they come to another door. The angel opened the door and, again much to the surprise of the others, there was Allah, conversing with the student's family and friends who passed on before. The young Muslim went through the door and the angel closed the door behind him.
The angel turned next to the Jew and asked "who is your god?"
The elderly rabbi quickly responded "Yahweh is my God."
The angel led the two men a few doors down and stopped at yet another door. The angel opened the door and, much to the surprise of the atheist, there sat Yahweh conversing with the rabbi's family and friends who passed on before. The old teacher entered through the door and the angel closed the door behind him.
Now the atheist was starting to sweat profusely. The angel turned towards the man and asked him "who is your god?"
Thinking on his feet, the atheist replied,
"19-year-old Pamela Anderson is my God!"
A Scotsman on a weekend break in Holland, went into a brothel in Amsterdam one night and found himself a nice-looking prostitute.
He asked her, "How much dae ye charge for an hour?"
"€100," she replied.
So he asked, "Okay, dae ye dae it Scottish style?"
She said "No!"
He then said "I'll gie you €200 to dae it Scottish style".
She didn't even know what "Scottish style" was, but again replied, "No",
He then offered her €300, but she declined his offer, so finally he said,
"Last chance. I'll gie ye €500 to go Scottish style wi' me!"
Finally she agreed, thinking, "Well, I've been in the game for over 10 years now. I've been there and done that, had every kind of request from weirdos from every corner of the world. How bad could 'Scottish style' be?"
So she went ahead and had sex with him, doing it in every kind of way and in every possible position. Finally, after several intense hours they finished. Exhausted, the hooker turned to him and said, "I was expecting something perverted and disgusting. Where does the 'Scottish style' come in?"
The Scotsman replied, "I'll pay ye next week!"
Poetry from the Soul to cheer you up on these dismal days.
I woke early one morning,
The earth lay cool and still,
When suddenly a tiny bird
Perched on my windowsill.
He sang a song so lovely,
So carefree and so gay,
That slowly all my troubles,
Began to slip away.
He sang of far-off places,
Of laughter and of fun,
It seemed his very trilling,
Brought up the morning sun.
I stirred beneath the covers,
Crawled slowly out of bed,
Then gently shut the window,
And crushed his pesky head.
Sorry, but I am just not a morning person.
Timmy's father was a rector in a small church, and when the bishop came to visit, Timmy was very excited. The bishop arrived late in the evening, well past Timmy's bedtime, but the next morning the boy asked his father if he would be allowed to meet the important guest.
His father thought about this and decided to let Timmy take the bishop his tea and wake him up. The following instructions were issued: "First, knock on the door of the bishop's room and then say to him: 'It's the boy, my Lord, it's time to get up.'."
Timmy rehearsed his lines, repeating them over and over. Finally the tea was ready and he picked up the tray and headed for the bishop's room. A few minutes later, the bishop, still in his pyjamas, was seen running out the door and down the lane.
The father turned to his son and said: "What happened?"
"I'm sorry," said Timmy, "I was so nervous I messed up my lines. I knocked on the door and said:
'It's the Lord, my boy, your time is up!'."
Thanks for all the jokes from Ian Bower, Jean-Francois Helias, Nick Reeves, Simon Over, Tony Loach and others.