Another fine year of good jokes in the Foz Spot. Here they are in case you missed one or need cheering up again.
Sheila, the Aussie housewife got out of the shower and slipped over on the bathroom floor. Instead of slipping over forwards or backwards, she slipped, did the splits and suctioned herself to the floor. She yelled out for her husband Bruce.
"Bruce, Bruce" she yelled. Bruce came running in. "Bruce, I've bloody suctioned myself to the floor" she said.
"Strewth" Bruce said and tried to pull her up. "You're stuck fast girl. I'll go across the road and get Cobba" (his mate).
They came back and they both tried to pull her up.
"No way. We can't do it, let's try Plan B." Cobba said.
"Plan B?" exclaimed Bruce. "What's that"?
"I'll go home and get my hammer and chisel and we can break the tiles under her and release the vacuum." replied Cobba.
"Spot on" Bruce said. "While you're doing that, I'll stay here and play with her tits."
"Play with her tits"? Cobba said, "Not exactly a good time for that mate?"
"No" Bruce replied, "But I reckon if I can get her wet enough, we can slide her into the kitchen where the tiles aren't so expensive."
Bruce is driving over the Sydney Harbour Bridge one day when he sees his girlfriend, Sheila about to throw herself off.
Bruce slams on the brakes and yells "Sheila, what the hell d'ya think you're doing?"
Sheila turns around with a tear in her eye and says, "G'day Bruce. Ya got me pregnant and so now I'm gonna kill myself."
Bruce gets a lump in his throat when he hears this. He says "Strewth Sheila..... Not only are you a great shag but you're a real sport too." and drives off.
A distinguished-looking woman, on a return flight from Switzerland, found herself sitting next to a priest.
After a while she said, "Excuse me, Father. I wonder if I might ask a favour."
"Certainly, my child," replied the priest, "How can I help?".
The woman said, "While on holiday, I purchased a very sophisticated electronic instrument; a lady's hair remover. The trouble is, its value is greater than what is allowed to be brought into the country and I'm afraid that Customs will confiscate it. Would you carry it in for me, concealed under your robes? They're not likely to challenge a priest."
"Certainly, my dear," replied the priest. "However, I must warn you that, in view of my calling, I am incapable of telling a lie."
After landing, the passengers made their way through Customs, and eventually it was the priest's turn.
"Anything to declare?" asked the officer.
"From the top of my head to my waist, I have nothing to declare, my son."
Intrigued, the officer asked, "And from your waist to the floor?"
"I have a wonderful instrument, designed to be used on a woman but which, as yet, has never been used."
Roaring with laughter, the Customs officer said, "O.K. Father, go straight through. Next ...."
The moral is: try not to lie; but if you have to, do it as well as the priest!
A baby boy was born with no eyelids.
The doctor told the worried parents all would be well, they could use the foreskin to make a pair of fully operational eyelids for the baby.
The operation didn't take long, they removed the boys foreskin and made them into eyelids.
After the op. the doctor told the parents that the baby was going to be ok .... even though he was a little cock eyed.
Bill and Sam, two past members, met in the pub every day to enjoy a quiet pint and discuss world problems.
One day Bill didn't show up. Sam didn't think much about it and figured maybe he had a cold or something. But after Bill hadn't shown up for a week or so, Sam really got worried. However, since Sam didn't remember where Bill lived he was unable to find out what had happened to him.
A month had passed, and Sam figured he had seen the last of Bill, but one day, Sam entered the pub and -- lo and behold! -- there sat Bill! Sam was very excited and happy to see him and told him so. Then he said, 'For crying out loud Bill, what in the world happened to you?'
Bill replied, 'I have been in jail.'
'Jail?' cried Sam. 'What in the world for?'
'Well,' Bill said, 'you know Sue, that cute little blonde waitress at the coffee shop where I sometimes go?'
'Yeah,' said Sam, 'I remember her. What about her?'
'Well, one day she filed rape charges against me and, at my age I was so proud that when I got into court, I pleaded guilty and the judge gave me 30 days for perjury.'
A father watched his young daughter playing in the garden. He smiled as he reflected on how sweet and pure his little girl was. Tears formed in his eyes as he thought about her seeing the wonders of nature through such innocent eyes.
Suddenly she just stopped and stared at the ground. He went over to her to see what work of God had captured her attention. He noticed she was looking at two spiders mating. "Daddy, what are those two spiders doing?" she asked.
"They're mating," her father replied.
"What do you call the spider on top?" she asked.
"That's a Daddy Longlegs," her father answered.
"So, the other one is a Mummy Longlegs?" the little girl asked.
As his heart soared with the joy of such a cute and innocent question he replied "No dear. Both of them are Daddy Longlegs."
The little girl, looking a little puzzled, thought for a moment, then took her foot and stomped them flat. "Well, we're not having any of that poofter shit in our garden."
A Mother had 3 virgin daughters.
They were all getting married within a short time period. Because Mom was a bit worried about how their sex life would get started, she made them all promise to send a postcard from the honeymoon with a few words on how marital sex felt.
The first girl sent a card from Hawaii two days after the wedding. The card said nothing but: "Nescafe"!
Mom was puzzled at first, but then went to her kitchen and got out the Nescafe jar.
It said: "Good till the last drop" .
Mom blushed, but was pleased for her daughter.
The second girl sent the card from Vermont a week after the wedding, and the card read: "Rothmans"
Mom now knew to go straight to her husband's cigarettes, and she read from the pack: "Extra Long. King Size"
She was again slightly embarrassed but still happy for her daughter.
The third girl left for her honeymoon in Cape Town. Mom waited for a week, nothing. Another week went by and still nothing. Then after a whole month, a card finally arrived.
Written on it with shaky handwriting were the words "South African Airways"
Mom took out her latest YOU magazine, flipped through the pages fearing the worst, and finally found the ad for SAA.
The ad said: "Ten times a day, seven days a week, both ways."
A young couple left the church and arrived at the hotel where they were spending the first night of their honeymoon. They opened the champagne and began undressing.
When the bridegroom removed his socks, his new wife asked, "Ewww.... what's wrong with your feet? Your toes look all mangled and weird. Why are your feet so gross?"
"I had tolio as a child," he answered.
"You mean polio?" she asked.
"No, tolio. The disease only affected my toes."
The bride was satisfied with this explanation, and they continued undressing when the groom took off his pants, his bride once again wrinkled up her nose.
"What's wrong with your knees?" she asked. "They're all lumpy and deformed!"
"As a child, I also had kneasles," he explained.
"You mean measles?" she asked.
"No, kneasles. It was a strange illness that only affected my knees."
The new bride had to be satisfied with this answer. As the undressing continued, her husband at last removed his underwear.
"Don't tell me," she said.
"Let me guess - SMALLCOX?"
A woman decided to have a facelift for her 50th birthday. She spent £15,000 and felt pretty good about the results.
On her way home, she stopped at a news stand to buy a newspaper. Before leaving, she said to the news seller, 'I hope you don't mind my asking, but how old do you think I am?'
'About 32,' was the reply.
'Nope! I'm exactly 50,' the woman said happily.
A little while later she went into McDonald's and asked the counter girl the very same question.
The girl replied, 'I'd guess about 29.'
The woman replied with a big smile, 'Nope, I'm 50.'
Now she's was feeling really good about herself. She stopped in a grocers on her way down the street. She went up to the counter to get some mints and asked the shop assistant the same burning question.
The assistant responded, 'Oh, I'd say 30.'
Again she proudly replied, 'I'm 50, but thank you!'
While waiting for the bus to go home, she asked a past member of the LPMCC waiting next to her the same question.
He replied, 'My eyesight is going. When I was young there was a sure-fire way to tell how old a woman was. It sounds very forward, but it requires you to let me put my hands under your bra. Then, and only then, can I tell you EXACTLY how old you are.'
They waited in silence on the empty street until her curiosity got the best of her. She finally blurted out, 'What the hell, go ahead.'
The past member slipped both of his hands under her blouse and began to feel around very slowly and carefully. He bounced and weighed each breast and he gently pinched each nipple. He pushed her breasts together and rubbed them against each other.
After a couple of minutes of this, she said, 'Okay, okay...How old am I?'
He completed one last squeeze of her breasts, removed his hands, and said, 'Madam, you are 50.'
Stunned and amazed, the woman said, 'That was incredible, how could you tell?'
Our pal said, 'Promise you won't get mad?'
'I promise I won't.' she said.
'I was behind you in McDonalds.'
I've been barred from every B&Q store in the country!
Walking round the B&Q Garden department this afternoon, I was approached by a spotty faced youth who asked if I wanted decking.
So I got in first!
When you are in deep shit say nothing and try to look as if you know what you are doing.
Bonus Joke for St Valentine's Day
Little Melissa came home from Primary School. She told her father that they learned about the history of Valentine's Day.
"Since Valentine's Day is for a Christian saint, I was wondering if I gave a Valentine to someone who was not, will God get mad at me for giving them a valentine?"
Melissa's father thought a bit, then said "No, I don't think God would get mad. Who do you want to give a Valentine to?"
"Osama Bin Laden," she said.
"Why Osama Bin Laden?" her father asked in shock.
"Well," she said, "I thought that if a little Christian girl could have enough love to give Osama a Valentine, he might start to think that maybe we're not all bad, and maybe start loving people a little bit."
"And if other kids saw what I did and sent Valentines to Osama, he'd love everyone a lot. And then he'd start going all over the place to tell everyone how much he loved them and how he didn't hate anyone anymore."
Her father's heart swells and he looks at his daughter with new-found pride. "Melissa, that's the most wonderful thing I've ever heard."
"I know," Melissa says, "and once that gets him out in the open, our soldiers can shoot the bastard."
INTERESTING AMERICAN OBSERVATIONS WITH AN AMAZING CONCLUSION !!!!!
1. The sport of choice for the urban poor is BASKETBALL.
2 The sport of choice for maintenance level employees is BOWLING
3 The sport of choice for front-line workers is FOOTBALL.
4 The sport of choice for supervisors is BASEBALL.
5 The sport of choice for middle management is TENNIS.
6 The sport of choice for corporate executives and officers is GOLF.
THE AMAZING CONCLUSION:
The higher you go in the corporate structure, the smaller your balls become.
Jack and Jill - A lesson on how NOT to conduct your wedding night.
Jack was about to marry Jill and his father took him to one side and said, "When I got married to your mother the first thing I did when we got home was to take off my trousers. I gave them to your mother and told her to try them on, which she did. They were enormous on her and she said to me that she couldn't possibly wear them, as they were too large. I said to her 'Of course they are too large for you. I wear the trousers in this family and I always will.' Ever since that day we have never had a single problem".
Jack took his father's advice to heart and as soon as he got Jill alone after the wedding, he did the same thing. He took off his trousers and handed them to Jill and told her to try them on. When she did she said "I can't wear these, they're far too large for me".
Exactly" Jack replied "I wear the trousers in this family and I always will. I don't want you to ever forget that."
Then Jill took off her knickers and gave them to Jack. "Try these on Jack." she said.
So he tried them on but they were too small.
"I can't get into your knickers" said Jack.
So Jill said "Exactly, and if you don't change your f***ing attitude, you never will!"
Women always interrupt
Little Johnny watched his daddy's car pass by the school playground and go into the woods. Curious, he followed the car and saw Daddy and Aunt Jane in a passionate embrace.
Little Johnny found this so exciting that he could not contain himself as he ran home and started to tell his mother, "Mommy, I was at the playground and I saw Daddy's car go into the woods with Aunt Jane. I went back to look and he was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, then he helped her take off her shirt. Then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt Jane........"
At this point Mommy cut him off and said, "Johnny, this is such an interesting story, suppose you save the rest of it for supper time. I want to see the look on Daddy's face when you tell it tonight."
At the dinner table, Mommy asked little Johnny to tell his story. Johnny started his story, "I was at the playground and I saw Daddy's car go into the woods with Aunt Jane. I went back to look and he was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, then he helped her take off her shirt. Then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt Jane and Daddy started doing the same thing that Mommy and Uncle Bill used to do when Daddy was in the Army."
Moral: Sometimes you need to listen to the whole story before you interrupt.
Subject: SWEDISH FIRE DEPARTMENT
One dark night outside a small town in Minnesota, a fire started inside the local chemical plant and in a blink of an eye it exploded into massive flames. The alarm went out to all the fire departments for miles around.
When the volunteer fire fighters appeared on the scene, the chemical company president rushed to the fire chief and said, "All our secret formulas are in the vault in the center of the plant. They must be saved. I will give $50,000 to the fire department that brings them out intact."
But the roaring flames held the firefighters off.
Soon more fire departments had to be called in as the situation became desperate. As the firemen arrived, the president shouted out that the offer was now $100,000 to the fire department who could bring out the company's secret files.
From a distance, a lone siren was heard as another fire truck came into sight. It was the nearby Swedish Rural Township Volunteer Fire Company, composed mainly of Swedes over the age of 65. To everyone's amazement, that little run-down fire engine roared right past all the newer sleek engines that were parked outside the plant. Without even slowing down, it drove straight into the middle of the inferno. Outside, the other firemen watched as the Swedish old timers jumped off right in the middle of the fire and fought it back on all sides. It was a performance and effort never seen before.
Within a short time, the Swedish old timers had extinguished the fire and had saved the secret formulas. The grateful chemical company president announced that for such a superhuman feat he was upping the reward to $200,000, and walked over to personally thank each of the brave fire fighters. The local TV news reporter rushed in to capture the event on film, asking their chief, "What are you going to do with all that money?"
"Vell," said Ole Larson, the 70-year-old fire chief, "Da first thing ve gonna do is fix da brakes on dat focking truck!"
Sister Mary Katherine entered the Monastery of Silence. The Priest said, "Sister, this is a silent monastery. You are welcome here as long as you like, but you may not speak until I direct you to do so".
Sister Mary Katherine lived in the monastery for 5 years before the Priest said to her, "Sister Mary Katherine, you have been here for 5 years. You can speak two words."
Sister Mary Katherine said, "Hard bed."
"I'm sorry to hear that," the Priest said, "We will get you a better bed."
After another 5 years, Sister Mary Katherine was called by the Priest.
"You may say another two words, Sister Mary Katherine."
"Cold food" said Sister Mary Katherine, and the Priest assured her that the food would be better in the future.
On her 15th anniversary at the monastery, the Priest again called Sister Mary Katherine into his office. "You may say two words today."
"I quit," said Sister Mary Katherine.
"It's probably best", said the Priest, "You've done bugger all but complain ever since you've been here."
A married couple went to the hospital to have their baby delivered.
Upon their arrival, the doctor said he had invented a new machine that would transfer a portion of the mother's labor pain to the father.
He asked if they were willing to try it out.
They were both very much in favor if it.
The doctor set the pain transfer to 10% for starters, explaining that even 10% was probably more pain that the father had ever experienced before.
As the labor progressed, the husband felt fine and asked the doctor to go ahead and bump it up a notch. The doctor then adjusted the machine to 20% pain transfer. The husband was still feeling fine.
The doctor checked the husbands' blood pressure and was amazed at how well he was doing.
At this point they decided to try for 50%. Amazingly, the husband continued to feel quite well.
Since the pain transfer was obviously helping out the wife considerably, the husband encouraged the doctor to transfer ALL the pain to him.
The wife delivered a healthy baby with virtually no pain. She and her husband were ecstatic.
When they got home, they found the milkman dead on the porch...
There are four people sat near each other on a train. An English man, a beautiful blonde woman, an ugly old woman and a frenchman.
The train goes into a tunnel and everything goes dark. All of a sudden there is a sound like someone just got slapped and as the train leaves the tunnel the frenchman is rubbing his cheek.
The old lady thinks to herself: "I bet that french guy groped the pretty blonde woman and she slapped him."
The French Bloke thinks to himself: "I bet zat Eenglish man tried to touch ze gorgeous blonde, and she slapped me by mistake."
The Blonde Girl thought to herself: "I reckon that the French bloke tried to grope me but grabbed the old lady by mistake and she slapped him."
The Englishman thought to himself: "I hope we go through another tunnel so I can slap that stupid French bastard again."
There once was a Red Indian whose given name was "Onestone". So named because he had only one testicle.
He hated that name and asked everyone not to call him Onestone.
After years and years of torment, Onestone finally cracked and said, "If anyone calls me Onestone again I will kill them!" The word got around and nobody called him that any more.
Then one day a young woman named Blue Bird forgot and said, "Good morning, Onestone." He jumped up, grabbed her and took her deep into the forest where he made love to her all day and all night. He made love to her all the next day, until Blue Bird died from exhaustion.
The word got around that Onestone meant what he promised he would do.
Years went by and no one dared call him by his given name until a woman named Yellow Bird returned to the village after being away for many years.
Yellow Bird, who was Blue Bird's cousin, was overjoyed when she saw Onestone. She hugged him and said, "Good to see you, Onestone."
Onestone grabbed her, took her deep into the forest, then he made love to her all day, made love to her all night, made love to her all the next day, made love to her all the next night, but Yellow Bird wouldn't die!
What is the moral of this story?????............................
OH, come on...take a guess!
Think about it (You're going to love this!)
And the moral is...
You can't kill two birds with one stone!!!
Recent research shows that there are 7 kinds of sex:
The 1st kind of sex is called: Smurf Sex. This kind of sex happens when you first meet someone and you both have sex until you are blue in the face.
The 2nd kind of sex is called: Kitchen Sex. This is when you have been with your partner for a short time and you are so horny you will have sex anywhere, even in the kitchen.
The 3rd kind of sex is called: Bedroom Sex. This is when you have been with your partner for a long time. Your sex has gotten routine and you usually have sex only in your bedroom.
The 4th kind of sex is called: Hallway Sex. This is when you have been with your partner for too long. When you pass each other in the hallway you both say "screw you."
The 5th kind of sex is called: Religious Sex, which means you get Nun in the morning, Nun in the afternoon and Nun at night.
The 6th kind is called Courtroom Sex. This is when you cannot stand your wife any more. She takes you to court and screws you in front of everyone.
And last, but not least, the 7th kind of sex is called: Social Security Sex. You get a little from time-to-time, but not enough to live on.
A motorist, on his way home from work in Westminster, came to a dead halt in traffic, thinking to himself, "Wow! the traffic seems much worse than usual."
After a while, he noticed a police officer walking towards him, between the lines of stopped traffic. He rolled down his window and said "Excuse me officer, what's the hold-up?"
The constable replied "It's the Prime Minister, Mr Tony Blair sir, he's depressed. He has stopped his car and is threatening to douse himself with petrol and set himself on fire. He is protesting that nobody believes his stories; about why we went to war in Iraq, that there is no pension crisis and no worsening economy. He doesn't understand why the public doesn't believe that all the stealth taxes are so necessary and that our education is first-class. He's screaming that the NHS is safe in his hands, that the immigration policies are working well, that he is not George Dubbya's lapdog, the proposed tax cuts will not help only his wealthy and titled cronies and that his recent chairmanship of the EU has only resulted in more power being handed to the French......So, we're taking up a collection for him."
Thoughtfully, the motorist asked "How much have you collected so far?"
The officer replies "About forty gallons sir but a lot of people are still syphoning."
I was doing yard work after the storm this weekend and my wife was about to take a shower. I realized that I couldn't find the rake.
I yelled up to my wife, "Where is the rake?"
She couldn't hear me and she shouted back, "What?"
I pointed to my eye, then I pointed to my knee and made a raking motion.
Then my wife wasn't sure and said "What?"
I repeated the gestures. "Eye - Kneed - The Rake"
My wife replied that she understands and signals back. She first points to her eye, next she points to her left breast, then she points to her butt, and finally to her crotch Well, there is no way in hell I could even come close to that one.
Exasperated, I went upstairs and asked her, "What the hell was that?"
She replies, "Eye - Left Tit - Behind - The Bush!"
WHAT PART OF YOUR BODY GOES TO HEAVEN FIRST?
The nun teaching Sunday school was speaking to her class one morning and she asked the question, "When you die and go to Heaven... which part of your body goes first?"
Suzy raised her hand and said, "I think it's your hands."
"Why do you think it's your hands, Suzy?"
Suzy replied, "Because when you pray, you hold your hands together in front of you and God just takes you hands first."
"What a wonderful answer!" the nun said.
Little Johnny raised his hand and said, "Sister, I think it's your legs."
The nun looked at him with the strangest look on her face.
"Now, Little Johnny, why do you think it would be your legs?"
Little Johnny said, "Well, I walked into Mommy and Daddy's bedroom the other night. Mommy had her legs straight up in the air and she was saying, "Oh God, I'm coming!"
If Dad hadn't pinned her down, we'd have lost her."
A shepherd was herding his flock in a remote pasture when suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced out of a dust cloud towards him.
The driver, a young man in a Brioni suit, Gucci shoes, Ray Ban sunglasses and YSL tie, leans out the window and asks the shepherd, "If I tell you exactly how many sheep you have in your flock, will you give me one?"
The shepherd looks at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looks at his peacefully grazing flock and calmly answers, "Sure. Why not?" The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell notebook computer, connects it to his AT&T cell phone, surfs to a NASA page on the Internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite navigation system to get an exact fix on his location which he then feeds to another NASA satellite that scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo. The young man then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop and exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg, Germany. Within seconds, he receives an email on his Palm Pilot that the image has been processed and the data stored.
He then accesses a MS-SQL database through an ODBC connected Excel spreadsheet with hundreds of complex formulas. He uploads all of this data via an email on his Blackberry and, after a few minutes, receives a response. Finally, he prints out a full-color, 150-page report on his hi-tech, miniaturized HP LaserJet printer and finally turns to the shepherd and says, "You have exactly 1586 sheep."
"That's right. Well, I guess you can take one of my sheep," says the shepherd.
He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks on amused as the young man stuffs it into the trunk of his car.
Then the shepherd says to the young man, "Hey, if I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my sheep?"
The young man thinks about it for a second and then says, "Okay, why not?"
"You're a consultant." says the shepherd.
"Wow! That's correct," says the yuppie, "but how did you guess that?"
"No guessing required." answered the shepherd. "You showed up here even though nobody called you; you want to get paid for an answer I already knew, to a question I never asked; and you don't know anything about my business...
"..Now give me back my sheepdog."
Englishman, Irishman and Scotsman are working on some scaffolding. It gets to lunch time and they all open up their sandwiches.
Englishman "Everyday it's the same ... cheese and pickle sandwiches, if I get them tomorrow I'm jumping off this scaffolding."
Scotsman "Every day the same ... corn beef sandwiches. If I get them tomorrow I'm jumping off too."
Irishman "Every day the same ... jam sandwiches. If I get them tomorrow I'm jumping off too."
Next day ... lunchtime ... they all get the same sandwiches .... THEY ALL JUMP!
At the funeral the three wives are talking to each other. English man's wife is saying to Scotsman's wife "He only had to say he didn't want cheese and pickle and I'd have made him something else." The scotsman wife replies "Same for me, he only had to say he didn't want corn beef and I'd've changed them."
The Irishman's wife comes over "I can't understand it, he's made his own sandwiches for the last 10 years!"
Late one night an ex-Phoenix member is showing some friends around his new apartment. The last stop is the bedroom, where a big brass gong sits next to the bed.
"What's that gong for?" the friends ask him.
"It's not a gong," the guy replies. "It's a talking clock."
"How does it work."
Our pal picks up a hammer and slams it against the gong, making an ear-shattering sound.
Suddenly, someone on the other side of the wall screams, "For God's sake, you asshole! It's 3:30 in the morning!"
A little girl asks her mum, "Mum, can I take the dog for a walk around the block?"
Her mum replies "No, because she is on heat."
"What does that mean?" asked the child.
"Go and ask your father. I think he's in the garage cleaning his motorcycle."
The little girl goes out to the garage and says, "Dad, can I take Lulu for a walk around the block? I asked Mum, but she said the dog was on the heat, and to come ask you."
He took a rag, soaked it in petrol, and scrubbed the dog's backside with it to disguise the scent, and said "Ok, you can go now, but keep Lulu on the leash and only go one time around the block."
The little girl left and returned a few minutes later with no dog on the leash.
Surprised, Dad asked, "Where's Lulu?"
The little girl said, "She ran out of petrol about halfway round the block, so another dog is pushing her home."
Thought for the day: there is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra today than on Alzheimer's research. This means that by 2040, there should be a large elderly population with perky boobs and huge erections and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them.
A teacher gave her class of 11 year olds an assignment:
Get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it.
The next day the kids came back and one by one began to tell their stories.
Karl said, "My father's a farmer and we have a lot of egg laying chooks. One time we were taking our eggs to market in a basket on the front seat of the car when we hit a big bump in the road and all the eggs went flying and broke and made a mess."
"What's the moral of the story?" asked the teacher. "Don't put all your eggs in one basket!"
"Very good," said the teacher.
Next little Emily raised her hand and said, "Our family are farmers too, but we raise chooks for the meat market. One day we had a dozen eggs, but when they hatched we only got ten live chicks, and the moral to this story is, 'Don't count your chickens before they're hatched'."
"That was a fine story Emily. Mick, do you have a story to share?"
"Yes. My dad told me this story about my Aunty Sharon. Aunty Sharon was flight engineer on a plane in the Gulf War and her plane got hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory and all she had was 3 bottles of rum, a machine gun and a machete. She drank all the rum on the way down so it wouldn't break and then she landed right in the middle of 100 enemy troops.
She killed seventy of them with the machine gun until she ran out of bullets. Then she killed twenty more with the machete until the blade broke.
And then she killed the last ten with her bare hands."
"Good heavens," said the horrified teacher, "what kind of moral did your father tell you from that horrible story?"
"Stay the fuck away from Aunty Sharon when she's been on the piss."
A Union bigwig was attending a convention and decided to check out the local brothels.
When he got to the first one, he asked the Madam, "Is this a union house?"
"No," she replied, "I'm sorry it isn't."
"Well, if I pay you $100, what cut do the girls get?"
"The house gets $80 and the girls get $20." she answered.
Mightily offended at such unfair dealings, the union man stomped off down the street in search of a more equitable, hopefully unionised shop.
His search continued until finally he reached a brothel where the Madam responded, "Why yes sir, this is a union house. We observe all union rules."
He asked, "And if I pay you $100, what cut do the girls get?"
The girls get $80 and the house gets $20."
That's more like it!" the union man said.
He handed the Madam $100, looked around the room and pointed to a stunningly attractive blonde. "I'd like her." he said.
"I'm sure you would, sir," said the Madam. Then she gestured to a 72-year old woman in the corner, but Ethel here has 53 years seniority and she's next."
A rabbit walked into a pub and said to the landlord "Can I have a pint of beer and a ham and cheese toastie" The landlord was amazed but gave the rabbit a pint of beer and a ham and cheese toastie.
The rabbit drank the beer and ate the toastie, then left.
The following night the rabbit returned and again asked for a pint of beer and a ham and cheese toastie.
The landlord, intrigued by the rabbit and the extra drinkers in the pub (because word gets round) gave the rabbit the pint and the toastie. The rabbit consumed them and left.
The next night, the pub was packed, in hopped the rabbit and said "A pint of beer and a ham and cheese toastie, please landlord."
The crowd was hushed as the landlord gave the rabbit his pint and toastie and then burst into applause as the rabbit wolfed them down.
The next night there was standing room only in the pub, coaches have been laid on for the crowds of patrons attending. The landlord was making more money in one week than he did all last year.
In walked the rabbit and said, "A pint of beer and a ham and cheese toastie, please landlord", smiling and accepting the tributes of the masses.
The landlord said, "I'm sorry rabbit, old boy, but we are right out of them ham and cheese toasties"
The rabbit looked aghast, the crowd was quietened to almost a whisper. The landlord cleared his throat nervously and added, "We do have a very nice cheese and onion toastie"
The rabbit looked him in the eye and asked, "Are you sure I will like it?" The crowd's bated breath was ear shatteringly silent.
The landlord, with a roguish smile said, "Do you think that I would let down one of my best friends? I know you'll love it."
"Ok" said the rabbit, "I'll have a pint of beer and a cheese and onion toastie"
The pub erupted with glee as the rabbit quaffed the beer and scoffed the toastie. He then waved to the crowd and left ...
... NEVER TO RETURN !!!
One year later in the now impoverished public house, the landlord (who had only served four drinks, 3 of which were his) called time.
When he was cleaning down the empty bar he saw a small white form floating above the bar.
The landlord asked, "Who are you?"
To which the form is replied, "I am the ghost of the rabbit that used to frequent your public house"
The landlord said, "I remember you, you made me famous. You would come in every night and have a pint of beer and a ham and cheese toastie. Masses came to see you and this place was famous."
The rabbit said, "Yes I know."
The landlord said, "I remember, on your last night we didn't have any ham and cheese toasties, you had a cheese and onion one instead."
The rabbit said "Yes, you promised me that I would love it."
The landlord said "You never came back, after that fateful night, what happened?"
"I DIED", said the Rabbit.
"Bugger" said the landlord,"what from?"
After a short pause the rabbit said ...
"Mixing Me Toasties!!!!"
A Catholic Priest was about to finish his tour of duty, and was leaving his Mission in the jungle where he had spent years teaching the natives when he realized that the one thing he never taught them was how to speak English. So he took the chief for a walk in the forest. He pointed to a tree and said to the chief, "This is a tree."
The chief looked at the tree and grunted, "Tree." The Priest was pleased with the response. They walked a little farther and he pointe to a rock and said, "This is a rock." Hearing this, the chief looked and grunted, "Rock." The Priest was really encouraged with the results when he heard a rustling in the bushes. As they peeked over the top, they saw a couple of natives in the throes of raw passion.
The Priest was really flustered and quickly offered, "Man riding a bike." The chief looked at the couple briefly, pulled out his blowgun and killed them.
The Priest went ballistic and yelled at the chief that he has spent years teaching the tribe how to be civilized and kind to each other, so how could he kill these people in cold blood?
The chief replied, "My bike."
A man entered a confessional and said to the Irish Priest, "Father, it has been one month since my last confession. I've had sex with Fannie Green every week for the last month."
The priest told the sinner, "You are forgiven. Go out and say three 'Hail Mary's'."
Soon, another man entered the confessional. "Father, it has been two months since my last confession. I have had sex with Fannie Green twice a week for the last two months."
This time the priest asked, "Who is this Fannie Green?"
"A new woman in the neighbourhood." the sinner replied.
"Very well," said the priest. "Go and say ten 'Hail Mary's'."
The next morning in church, the priest was preparing to deliver his sermon when a gorgeous, tall woman entered the church. All the men's eyes fall upon her as she slowly sashayed up the aisle and sat down in front of he Altar.
Her dress was green and very short, with matching shiny emerald green shoes.
The priest and altar boy gasped as the woman sat down with her legs slightly spread apart, Sharon Stone-style.
The priest turned to the altar boy and whispered, "Is that Fannie Green?"
The altar boy replied, "No Father, I think it's just the reflection off her shoes."
WHO IS IN CHARGE ?
BODY MEETING :
All the organs of the body were having a meeting, trying to decide who was the one in charge.
"I should be in charge," said the brain, "because I run all the body's systems, so without me nothing would happen."
"I should be in charge," said the blood, "because I circulate oxygen all over so without me you'd all waste away."
"I should be in charge," said the stomach, "because I process food and give all of you energy."
"I should be in charge," said the legs, "because I carry the body wherever it needs to go."
"I should be in charge," said the eyes, "because I allow the body to see where it goes."
"I should be in charge," said the rectum, "because I'm responsible for waste removal."
All the other body parts laughed at the rectum and insulted him, so in a huff, he shut down tight.
Within a few days, the brain had a terrible headache, the stomach was bloated, the legs got wobbly, the eyes got watery, and the blood was toxic. They all decided that the rectum should be the boss.
The Moral of the story?
The asshole is usually in charge!!
A local charity realised that it had never received a donation from the town's most successful lawyer. The person in charge of contributions called him to persuade him to contribute.
"Our research shows that out of a yearly income of at least £500,000, you give not a penny to charity. Wouldn't you like to give back to the community in some way?"
The lawyer mulled this over for a moment and replied, "First, did your research also show that my mother is dying after a long illness and has medical bills that are several times her annual income?"
Embarrassed, the charity rep mumbled, "Um. . . no."
" - or that my brother, a disabled war veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair?" The stricken charity rep began to stammer out an apology but was interrupted,
" - or that my sister's husband died in a traffic accident," the lawyer's voice rising in indignation, "leaving her penniless with three children?"
The humiliated charity rep, completely beaten, said simply, "I had no idea..."
On a roll, the lawyer cut him off once again:
"So if I don't give any money to them, why should I give any to you?!?"
A life long supporter of the Leicester Phoenix MCC was lying on his death bed when he suddenly decided to join the Fosse Riders.
"But why?" asked his puzzled friend, "You're Phoenix man through and through! Why change now?"
The man leaned forward and explained, "Well, I'd rather it was one of them that died and not one of us."
At a small parish there lived a priest, and several nuns. One day, one of the older nuns was noticing that the rugs in the church were beginning to fray. She went to the priest and told him, "Father, I believe your rugs need to be replaced soon."
The priest thanked her for bringing it to his attention, and told her that he thought that she had been there long enough to refer to church property as 'our' not 'your.'
A few days later the parish received word that the bishop would be coming for a visit. The entire parish was busy readying the church for the visit. On the day the bishop arrived, the same nun came down the front stairs yelling, "Father! Father! I found your watch!"
The bishop said, "How wonderful my child. Where did you find it?"
After saying hello to the bishop, the nun turned to the priest and said, "I found it under OUR bed."
A little old lady had two monkeys for years. One day one of them died of natural causes. In grief, the second monkey passed away two days later. Not knowing what to do with them, she finally decided to take them to the taxidermist and have them stuffed.
After listening to the owner's wishes, he asked her, "Do you want them mounted?"
Blushing, she said,"No. Shaking hands will be fine."
Once upon a time, a guy asked a girl "Will you marry me?"
The girl said "No"
The guy lived happily ever after and went motorcycling, drank beer, always had a clear garage, never had to eat salad, watched football on TV and farted whenever he wanted.
A little boy went to his dad and asked, "What are Politics?"
Dad said, "Well son, let me try to explain it this way:
#1. I'm the head of the family, so call me The Prime Minister.
#2. Your mother is the administrator of the money, so we call her the Government.
#3. We're here to take care of your needs, so we'll call you the People.
#4. The nanny, we'll consider her the Working Class.
#5. And your baby brother, we'll call him the Future.
"Now, think about that and see if it makes sense."
So, the little boy went off to bed thinking about what his Dad said.
Later that night, he heard his baby brother crying so he got up to check on him. He found that the baby had severely soiled his diaper. So, the little boy went to his parent's room and found his mother sound asleep. Not wanting to wake her, he went to the nanny's room. Finding the door locked, he looked in the keyhole and saw his father in bed with the Nanny. He gave up and went back to bed.
The next morning, the little boy said to his father, "Dad, I think I understand the concept of politics now."
The father said, "Good, son, tell me in your own words what you think politics is all about."
The little boy replied, "The Prime Minister is screwing the Working Class, while the Government is sound asleep. The People are being ignored and the Future is in deep doodoo."
A woman takes a lover home during the day while her husband is at work. Her 9-year old son comes home unexpectedly, sees them, and hides in the bedroom cupboard to watch. The woman's husband also comes home.
She puts her lover in the cupboard, not realising that the little boy is in there already.
The little boy says, "Dark in here." The man says, "Yes, it is."
Boy - "I have a football."
Man - "That's nice."
Boy - "Want to buy it?"
Man - "No, thanks."
Boy - "My dad's outside."
Man - "OK, how much?"
Boy - "£250"
In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the lover are in the cupboard together.
Boy - "Dark in here."
Man - "Yes, it is."
Boy - "I have football boots."
The lover, remembering the last time, asks the boy, "How much?"
Boy - "£750"
Man - "Sold."
A few days later, the boys' father says to the boy, "Grab your boots and football, let's go outside and have a game of soccer.
The boy says, "I can't, I sold my ball and boots."
The father asks, "How much did you sell them for?"
The father says, "That's terrible to overcharge your friends like that. That is way more than those two things cost. I'm going to take you to church and make you confess."
They go to the church and the father makes the little boy sit in the confession booth and he closes the door.
The boy says, "Dark in here."
The priest says, "Don't start that sh*t again. You're in my cupboard now"
A man staggered into a hospital with a concussion, multiple bruises, two black eyes, and a five iron wrapped tightly around his throat. Naturally, the Doctor asked him, "What happened to you?"
"Well, I was having a quiet round of golf with my wife, when at a difficult hole we both sliced our balls into a cow pasture. We went to look for them and while I was looking around I noticed one of the cows had something white at its rear end."
"I walked over, lifted its tail, and sure enough, there was a golf ball with my wife's monogram on it - stuck right in the middle of the cow's arse." Still holding the cow's tail up, I yelled to my wife, "Hey, this looks like yours!"
"I don't remember much after that."
Little Zachary was doing very badly in maths.
His parents had tried everything. Tutors, Mentors, flash cards, Special learning centers. In short, everything they could think of to help his maths.
Finally, in a last ditch effort, they took Zachary down and enrolled him in the local Catholic school. After the first day, little Zachary came home with a very serious look on his face. He didn't even kiss his mother Hello. Instead, he went straight to his room and started studying. Books and papers were spread out all over the room and little Zachary was hard at work. His mother was amazed. She called him down to dinner.
To her shock, the minute he was done, he marched back to his room without a word, and in no time, he was back hitting the books as hard as before. This went on for some time, day after day, while the mother tried to understand what made all the difference.
Finally, little Zachary brought home his report card. He quietly laid it on the table, went up to his room and hit the books. With great trepidation, his Mom looked at it and to her great surprise, little Zachary got an "A" in maths. She could no longer hold her curiosity. She went to his room and said, "Son, what was it? Was it the nuns?"
Little Zachary looked at her and shook his head.
"Well, then," she replied, "Was it the books, the discipline, the structure, the uniforms? WHAT WAS IT?"
Little Zachary looked at her and said, "Well, on the first day of school when I saw that guy nailed to the plus sign I knew they weren't fooling around."
A teacher asks her class full of infants "If your mum was a bird, what type would she be?" she asks the children.
The first child says - "If my mummy was a bird, she'd be a dove."
"That's nice" said the teacher, "why's that?"
"Because she's beautiful and pure and reminds me of a dove" says the little boy.
"If my mummy was a bird, she'd be a stork" says the second boy.
"Oh and why's that?" says the teacher.
"Because she's tall and elegant" says the boy.
"If my mummy was a bird she'd be a thrush." says the third boy.
"Why's that?" says the teacher.
"Because she's an irritating twat!"
Notes From Thoughtful Ron.
It is important for men to remember that, as women grow older, it becomes harder for them to maintain the same quality of housekeeping as when they were younger. When you notice this, try not to yell at them.
Some are oversensitive, and there's nothing worse than an oversensitive woman.
My name is Ron ... Let me relate how I handled the situation with my wife, Lynn. When I took "early retirement" last year, it became necessary for Lynn to get a full-time job, both for extra income and for the private medical insurance that we needed.
Shortly after she started working, I noticed she was beginning to show her age.
I usually get home from the golf course about the same time she gets home from work. Although she knows how hungry I am, she almost always says she has to rest for half an hour or so before she starts dinner. I don't yell at her. Instead, I tell her to take her time and just wake me when she gets dinner on the table.
I generally have lunch in the restaurant at my men only golf club, so eating out is not reasonable. I'm ready for some home-cooked grub when I get home.
She used to do the dishes as soon as we finished eating. But now it's not unusual for them to sit on the table for several hours after dinner. I do what I can by diplomatically reminding her several times each evening that they won't clean themselves. I know she really appreciates this, as it does seem to motivate her to get them done before she goes to bed.
Another symptom of aging is complaining, I think. For example, she will say that it is difficult for her to find time to pay the monthly bills during her lunch hour. But, boys, we take 'em for better or worse, so I just smile and offer encouragement. I tell her to stretch it out over two or even three days. That way she won't have to rush so much. I also remind her that missing lunch completely now and then wouldn't hurt her any (if you know what I mean). I like to think tact is one of my strong points.
When doing simple jobs, she seems to think she needs more rest periods. She had to take a break when she was only half-finished mowing the lawn. I try not to make a scene. I'm a fair man. I tell her to fix herself a nice, big, cold glass of freshly-squeezed orange juice and just sit for a while. And, as long as she is making one for herself, she may as well make one for me too.
I know that I probably look like a Saint in the way I support Lynn. I'm not saying that showing this much consideration is easy. Many men will find it difficult. Some will find it impossible! Nobody knows better than I do how frustrating women get as they get older. However, fellas, even if you use just a little more tact and a little less criticism of your aging wife because of this article, I will consider that writing it was well worthwhile. After all, we are put on this earth to help each other ...
Ron died suddenly a few months back. He was found with a Calloway extra-long 50-inch Big Bertha Driver II (golf club) rammed up his bottom with only 2 inches of grip showing. His wife Lynn was arrested, but the all-woman jury accepted her defence that he accidentally sat down on it very suddenly.
A woman, in her fifties, is at home happily jumping unclothed, on her bed and squealing with delight.
Her husband watches her for a while and asks, "Do you have any idea how ridiculous you look? What's the matter with you?"
The woman continues to bounce on the bed and says, "I don't care, what you think. I just came from having a mammogram and the doctor says that not only am I healthy, but I have the breasts of an 18 year-old.
The husband replies, "What did he say about your 55-year old ass?"
"Your name never came up" she replied.
In the beginning God created day and night. He created day for footy matches, going to the beach and BBQ's
He created night for going prawning,sleeping and BBQ's, and God saw that it was good.
On theSecond Day, God created water - for surfing, swimming and BBQ's on the beach, and God saw that it was good.
On the Third Day God created the Earth to bring forth plants - to provide malt and yeast for beer and wood for BBQs, and God saw that it was good.
On the Fourth Day God created animals and crustaceans for chops, sausages, steak and prawns for BBQ's, and God saw that it was good.
On the Fifth day God created a Bloke - to go to the footy, enjoy the beach, drink the beer and eat the meat and prawns at BBQ's, and God saw that it was good.
On the Sixth Day God saw that the Bloke was lonely and needed someone to go to the footy, surf, drink beer, eat and stand around the barbie with. So God created Mates, and God saw that they were good Blokes, and God saw that it was good.
On the Seventh Day God looked around at the twinkling barbie fires, heard the hiss of opening beer cans and the raucous laughter of all the Blokes. He smelled the aroma of grilled chops and sizzling prawns and God Saw that it was good ... ...
Well. Almost good.
He saw that the Blokes were too tired to clean up and needed a rest. So God created Sheilas - to clean the house, to bear children, to wash, To cook and to clean the Barbie, and then God saw that it was not just good. It was better than that, it was Bloody Awesome!
IT WAS AUSTRALIA !!!!
Three Italian nuns die and go to heaven. At the Pearly Gates, they are met by St. Peter. He says "Sisters, you all led such wonderful lives that I'm granting you six months to go back to earth and be anyone you want to be."
The first nun says, "I want to be Sophia Loren." and *poof* she's gone.
The second says, "I want to be Madonna." and *poof* she's gone.
The third says, "I want to be Sarah Pipalini." St. Peter looks perplexed.
"Who?" he says.
"Sarah Pipalini." replies the nun.
St. Peter shakes his head and says, "I'm sorry, but that name just doesn't ring a bell."
The nun then takes a newspaper out of her habit and hands it to St. Peter. He reads the paper and starts laughing. He hands it back to her and says.
"No sister, the paper says it was the Sahara Pipeline that was laid by 1,400 men in 6 months."
Two Scots, Stuart and Jimmy, are sitting in the pub discussing Stuart's forthcoming wedding.
"Ach, it's all going grand," says Stuart. "I've got everything organised already: The flowers, the church, the cars, the reception, the rings, the minister, even ma stag night..."
Jimmy nods approvingly.
"Havens, I've even bought a kilt to be married in!" continues Stuart.
"A Kilt?" exclaims Jimmy, "That's braw, you'll look pure smart in that!"
"And what's the tartan?" Jimmy then enquires.
"Och," says Stuart, "I'd imagine she'll be in White.."
What award did the inventor of the door knocker win?....................the No-Bell prize
A boy asked his rich uncle for a cowboy outfit for his birthday........so the uncle bought him a used car dealership.
Once upon a time, a perfect man and a perfect woman met. After a perfect courtship, they had a perfect wedding.
Their life together was, of course, perfect.
One snowy, stormy Christmas Eve, this perfect couple was riding their perfect motorcycle combination along a winding road, when they noticed someone at the side of the road in distress. Being the perfect couple, they stopped to help.
There stood Santa Claus with a huge bundle of toys. Not wanting to disappoint any children on the eve of Christmas, the perfect couple loaded Santa and his toys into their sidecar. Soon they were riding along delivering the toys.
Unfortunately, the conditions deteriorated and the perfect couple and Santa Claus had an accident. Only one of them survived the accident.
Question: Who was the survivor?
(Scroll down for the answer.)
Answer: The perfect woman survived. She's the only one who really existed in the first place. Everyone knows there is no Santa Claus and there is no such thing as a perfect man.
Women stop reading here, that is the end of the joke. Men keep scrolling.
So, if there is no perfect man and no Santa Claus, the woman must have been driving. This explains why there was an accident.
Men Keep scrolling
By the way, if you're a woman and you're still reading, this illustrates another point: Women never listen.
Thanks for jokes through the year from Adam Fosberry, Jessamy Wykes-Robinson, Eric Tindall, MaLu, Rob Winnett, Graham Mills, John Sim, Jeff Waller, Carol Evans, Phil Barton and many, many others. Check the news every week - or ask for the free emails - for a fresh Foz Spot joke as well as news about friends, plans for get togethers and memories of the glory years.