At a reunion the conversation got round to the supernatural. "Do you believe in ghosts?"

About a score of past members admitted they did.

"Well, do any of you think you have seen a ghost?"

About a dozen claimed they had.

"Has anyone here ever talked to a ghost?"

Seven were sure they had held a discussion.

"Has anyone here ever touched a ghost?"

Three raised their hands.

"That's fantastic. Have any of you ever made love to a ghost?"

Way in the back, Zak raised his hand. "Tell us about it." we all yelled.

So Zak stood up with a grin and began to clear his throat. "Go on Zak, tell us what it's like to have sex with a ghost!"

Zak looked startled, "Shiiiit! From way back there I thought you said Goats."

A woman was leaving a convenience store when she noticed a most unusual funeral procession approaching the nearby cemetery.

A long black hearse was followed by a second long black hearse about 50 feet behind the first one. Behind the second hearse was a solitary woman walking a pit bull on a leash. Behind her, a short distance back, were about 200 women walking single file.

The woman was so curious that she respectfully approached the woman walking the dog and said, "I am so sorry for your loss, and I know now is a bad time to disturb you, but I have never seen a funeral like this. Whose funeral is it?"

"My husband's."

"What happened to him?"

The woman replied, "My dog attacked and killed him."

She inquired further, "Well, who is in the second hearse?"

The woman answered, "My mother-in-law. She was trying to help my husband when the dog turned on her."

A poignant and thoughtful moment of silence passed between the two women.

"Can I borrow the dog?"

"Get in line."

This two old past Phoenix members are at Mallory Park to watch the classic racing.

Zak turns to Abe and says, "I could really go for an ice cream cone."

Abe replies, "Well, I'll go get you one."

Zak says, "But, you'll forget, you better write it down."

Abe replies, "No I won't; what do you want?"

Zak says, "Get me a Strawberry cone with chocolate sprinkles."

Abe replies, "Okay, strawberry cone with chocolate sprinkles. See, I'll remember."

Several hours pass and, finally, Abe returns.

Zak asks him, "What took you so long, did you get lost?"

Abe replies, "No, and I got what you wanted."

Zak opens the bag to discover a cheeseburger and fries!

Zak says, "I knew you should have written the order down."

Abe says, "What do you mean - isn't everything in there?"

To which Zak replies, "No, it's not...look, you forgot the pickles!"

An American tale

Last summer, down on Lake Isabella, located in the high desert, an hour east of Bakersfield, CA, some folks, new to boating, were having a problem. No matter how hard they tried, they couldn't get their brand new 22 foot boat going. It was very sluggish in almost every manoeuvre, no matter how much power they applied. After about an hour of trying to make it go, they putt-putted into a nearby marina, thinking someone there may be able to tell them what was wrong. A thorough topside check revealed everything in perfect working condition. The engine ran fine, the out-drive went up and down, and the propeller was the correct size and pitch. So, one of the marina guys jumped in the water to check underneath.

He came up choking on water, he was laughing so hard.

(NOW REMEMBER...THIS IS TRUE)

Under the boat, still strapped securely in place, was the trailer!

It was Postman Pat'£s last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the mail through all kinds of weather to the same villages and towns.

When he arrived at the first house on his route, he was greeted by the whole family there, who all hugged and congratulated him and sent him on his way with a gift cheque for £50.

At the second house they presented him an 18-carat gold watch.

The folks at the third house handed him a bottle of 15-year old Scotch whisky.

At the fourth house he was met at the door by a blonde in her lingerie.

She took him by the arm and led him up the stairs to the bedroom where she blew his mind with the most passionate love he had ever experienced.

When he had had enough they went downstairs, where the dumb blonde fixed him a full English breakfast: Bacon, eggs, sausage & tomato with freshly-squeezed orange juice.

When he was truly satisfied she poured him a cup of steaming coffee.

As she was pouring, he noticed a £5 note sticking out from under the cup's bottom edge.

"All this was just too wonderful for words," he said, "but what's the five quid for?"

"Well," said the dumb blonde, "last night, I told my husband that today would be your last day and that we should do something special for you."

"I asked him what to give you. He said, F*ck him. Give him a fiver." She smiled and said, "The breakfast was my idea."

Past LPMCC member Zak was standing next in line at a checkout, when the attractive blonde woman in front of him turned around and gave him a big smile.

"Hello," she said, as she waited for her change.

"Er, I'm sorry. Do I know you?" Zak said in some confusion.

"Oh, my mistake. I thought you were the father of one of my children." she said apologetically, and picking up her shopping, she left the store.

Zak was astonished. He thought, "How amazing that a good looking woman like that should have forgotten who fathered her children."

Then he began to worry.

He had had an encounter in his youth that could have resulted in a child he didn't know about. She had been blonde, pretty, and about the same height.

On leaving the store, Zak saw the woman getting into her car. He ran over to her and said, "Look, you couldn't have been the girl I met at a motorcycle rally in 1980 could you? We shagged next to the bonfire in front of everyone, things got really wild and I got so drunk that I didn't get your telephone number."

The woman looked utterly outraged and said, "No! I'm your son's English teacher."

The train was quite crowded and a U.S. Marine walked the entire length looking for a seat, but the only seat left was taken by a well-dressed middle-aged French woman's poodle.

The war-weary Marine asked, "Ma'am, may I have that seat?"

The French woman just sniffed and said to no one in particular, "Americans are so rude. My little Fifi is using that seat."

The Marine walked the entire train again, but the only seat left was under that dog. "Please, ma'am. May I sit down? I'm very tired."

She snorted, "Not only are you Americans rude, you are also arrogant!"

This time the Marine didn't say a word, he just picked up the little dog, tossed it out the train window and sat down. The woman shrieked, "Someone must defend my honour! Put this American in his place!"

An English gentleman sitting nearby spoke up, "Sir, you Americans often seem to have a penchant for doing the wrong thing. You hold the fork in the wrong hand. You drive your autos on the wrong side of the road ...

"... and now, sir, you've thrown the wrong bitch out the window."