Pat was at the airport with a sack over each shoulder and when he was stopped at customs they found that both sacks were full of mobile phones.

When asked why Pat said, "Well, while I was on my travels in America, I got a phone call from my mate Mick and he told me that he is starting up a jazz band and could I bring him back two saxophones."

John asked his wife, Mary, what she wanted to celebrate their 40th wedding anniversary.

"Would you like a new mink coat?" he asked.

"Not really," said Mary.

"Well, how about a new Mercedes sports car?" said John.

"No," she responded.

"What about a new holiday home in the country?" he suggested.

She again rejected his offer with a, "No thanks."

Frustrated he finally asked, "Well, what would you like for your anniversary?"

"John, I'd like a divorce," answered Mary.

John thought for a moment and replied, "Sorry dear, I wasn't planning on spending that much."

A blonde was driving down a country road when she spotted another blonde in the middle of a wheat field, rowing a boat for all her worth.

Curious, she stopped the car, staring in disbelief as the woman pulled and sweated.

When she couldn't stand it any more, she called-out, "Why are you rowing a boat in the middle of the field?"

Stopping her efforts for the moment, the blond in the boat responded, "Because it's an 'ocean' of wheat!"

The blond standing on the side of the road was furious! She yelled at the rower, "It's blondes like you that give the rest of us a bad name!"

The woman in the boat just shrugged her shoulders and began to row again.

Standing by her car, the woman was beside herself. She shook her fist at the woman in the field, yelling, "If I could swim, I'd come out there and kick your ass!"

An engineer accidentally took a medical school exam. See his answers:

Antibody - One who hates his body.

Artery - Study of fine paintings or military, not sure.

Bacteria - Back door of a cafeteria.

Coma - Punctuation mark.

Gall Bladder - Bladder of a girl.

Genes - Blue Denim.

Labour Pain - Hurt at work.

Liposuction - A French kiss.

Ultrasound - Radical sound that is above human hearing capacity, such as wife's talk.

Cardiology - Advanced study of playing cards.

Dyspepsia - Difficulty in drinking Pepsi.

Chicken Pox - A Non-veg continental dish.

CT Scan - Test for identifying person's city.

Radiology - The study of how radio works.

Parotitis - Information about the parrots.

Urology - The study of European people.

As I knelt down with a pair of size 4 shoes in front of this blonde in a short skirt, I couldn't resist a quick glance at her knickers:

"Hey cheeky!" She said as she gave me a playful kick. "I bet the only reason you work here is to look up girls' skirts isn't it?"

"That's an absolutely ridiculous accusation, madam." I said sternly.

"I don't even work here."

A young lad went to a tailor shop in Scotland. He told the tailor, "I'd like ye to make me a kilt with this material here, and if ye don't mind, I'd like ye to make me a pair of matching underwear for it. I hear it gets a might drafty up them things."

A few days later, the tailor called the lad back to the shop. "Here's ye kilt, and here's ye matching underwear, and here's five yards of material left over. Take it home and keep it in case you want anything else made of it."

The lad rushed home and donned his kilt. He decided to run to his girlfriend's house to show off his new purchase. Unfortunately, in his excitement, he forgot to wear his underwear.

When his girlfriend answered the door, he pointed to his kilt and said, "Well, what'd ye think?"

"Ah, but that's a fine looking kilt," she exclaimed.

"Aye, and if ye like it, you'll really like what's underneath," he bragged as he lifted his kilt.

"Oh, but that's a dandy," his girlfriend shouted admiringly.

Still not realizing that he didn't have his underwear on, he exclaimed quite proudly, "Aye, and if ye like that, I've got five more yards of it at home!"

The Embers were sat in a caf� when the waitress came over and said, "You can't eat your own food in here!"

So we swapped.