Bikers - In Court

First rule is never plead guilty. The only people who do this are the innocent trying to avoid solicitors' and lawyers' fees, yet if you are innocent you won't be in court because the police only prosecute criminals not taxpayers.

Rule two is never hire a solicitor. They only represent criminals, tell lies on their behalf and only associate with the guilty. Judges look down on people keeping bad company so do not be associated with solicitors. The exception is when you face a big rap. The lawyers won't get you off but it will be worth paying their fees for a good reduction in the sentence.

If the police are bringing the prosecution you should have no difficulty in showing how the fascist pigs are picking on you because of a) prejudice b) graft c) stupidity. Bearing this in mind start right from the beginning to make them angry with you. Being in the dock probably means you have already done that. Good work! Don't be aggressive unless you want to find how steep the stairs are down to the cells. Police brutality can be worse than a few months in porridge. Best way to get up their noses is to be condescending. Mention the Chief Constable by his first golf club and intimate that you own a company of which the home secretary is a non executive director. If you don't think you can carry that off on a beat up British single, casually let them know that you have a well paid cushy job during reasonable hours doing interesting things without danger but which allows you to speak your mind to the idiots you come across. Envy will build sufficient enmity to be obvious to most judges. At all costs don't let them present the 'We're only doing it for your own good and the protection of society' angle. You may end up believing them.

Magistrates always find you guilty. It would put them out of a prestigious job if everyone was innocent. But thanks to the wonder of British justice there are two sets of laws in this country. Woe betide the motorist who parks over the allotted hour or the cyclist who pushes his bike the wrong way up a one way street. My advice to you if you are guilty of such a heinous offence is to seek immediately for mitigating circumstances. Courts are no longer brought to tears by tales of dying grandmothers. In fact it won't even cause a laugh. The best bet is to run your motorbike into the nearest pensioner and rob her. The worst you can then expect is to be bound over for six months for the sum of thirty shillings.

When they have inevitably found you guilty of whatever crime you had the courage to commit and the carelessness to be caught for, they will consider your past record. For the first couple of times things will go hard for you. Seeing a fairly clean record they will assume that by catching you early they can stop you going wrong again. In theory they cannot take into account offences you have not been caught and found guilty for. However, bearing in mind that ninety nine percent of crimes are not even detected, they are human enough to want to make you pay off some of your backlog. The result can be a shocking fine. Later on, when you get on first name terms with the clerk of the court and turn up mornings just to see if they have you down for something, you will find that things go much easier. You will progress to a couple of three monthers to run concurrently, to twelve months suspended for two years. They eventually admit to themselves that you are incorrigible and it is cheaper to let you commit your crimes against someone else than to have to keep you at taxpayers' expense. They go to such extents to give you long sentences which you need not serve that you end up with life after death.

For the first few fines here are some helpful tips. First ask for time to pay and default on your payments. It is no use saying you cannot pay unless you intend to prove it. Social security is always good for a few quid if you have a postcode that puts motor insurance out of the question. A good animated reconstruction of the court among your mates at the Club should be good for a couple of pints to offset your financial difficulties. On no account sell your bike.



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