Bikers - The Accident

If you ride a safe machine in a safe way as described in the previous parts of the series, you will not be involved in accidents. However - when you are:

Reverse out again. This will get you away from the damage, confusion and scene of the crime. It confuses people regarding your direction and for motorcyclists has the additional advantage of not letting them see your numberplate.

If you are restrained on the scene of the accident by lack of foresight or an angry crowd, try giving first aid to the injured. Force brandy or other alcoholic beverage down the other driver's throat - antifreeze sometimes contains alcohol. This serves two purposes. It will make sure of a good breathalyser result and might even kill him off. If you cannot find any alcohol try breathing all over him.

Recognise and treat all hysterical subjects. They can best be recognised as those who are otherwise uninjured but repeatedly and loudly appear to believe the accident was your fault. Most effective and speedy treatment for hysterics is a short sharp blow with something very very heavy.

Try not to call the police, ambulance or fire service as they are already overworked answering hoax bomb warnings and will only be bad tempered at a real emergency. Try to keep the mood happy by telling jokes but avoid sick humour if there is a lot of blood about. When you have created a large crowd, at an opportune moment slip quietly away.

You do not need to make self incriminating statements, so in your best interest clam up. This is achieved either by feigning deaf and dumb or pretending to be a foreigner. The latter has the added advantage of putting you on the right side of the Race Discrimination Act and makes it easier to get a South American visa in case the later stages go wrong.

Do not take the names and addresses of witnesses as they are likely to be suffering from shock and think the accident was your fault. If they think you did it on purpose they will probably be interested in seeing you prosecuted and cannot therefore be relied upon to be disinterested witnesses. Fortunately most witnesses never see anything and are extremely disinterested. To be safe it is much better to get independent witnesses later from the Cricketers. The most important thing is to make them all memorise the same story.

Under no circumstances leave your machine unattended at the scene of the accident unless it is not a write-off, in which case check that you have a fire and theft clause or you won't get a cent out of the insurance company when it is 1) burnt or 2) stolen. You will lose your no claims for the accident, no use without a brand new bike as well.

If you find you need to pay a visit to the local hospital it is too late now to worry about dirty feet or your black rubber underwear. Motorbike accidents get a very low popularity rating in the outpatients and emergency department and are looked upon as self inflicted leprosy. The treatment is always adequate if tough; don't expect anaesthetic with your catgut. The main gripe is the time it all takes. If you go in at opening time don't expect to be out until well gone last orders. They wait first to see if you will die and save them the trouble. If you want the fast treatment, tell them it was a street fight and you only came in to wait for the ambulance to bring the other fellow. They will have you out of there quick as lightning



Next Bikers - In Court