The Get You No-Where Break It Service

As is well known, the weeklies and certain monthlies run an assistance service for their readers; mainly answering technical problems.

Whilst such a service wouldn't be of any use to the members of the Phoenix (they think they already know it all, cocky devils they are), the following may be a typical month's answers.

Q. My two stroke motorcycle started readily enough the other day on the kickstart but when I tried to pull off the machine went backwards. A friend has told me my timing was out. Is he right?
A. My Bantam has done this before and I can assure you my timing wasn't out as I haven't bought a drink in months. The most probable explanation is that you have the primary chain crossed over in a figure eight. The remedy here is quite simple. Cross the final drive chain over in another figure of eight. If your machine has a shaft drive, then hard luck, serves you right for buying such an expensive machine. Anyway BMW don't make two strokes.

Q. Dear Sir, my BSA single model 2+2 2+2 seems to lack all the usual benefits of a motorcycle; it will not go very quick because it will not rev, it is not at all reliable and its brakes are virtually useless. However it does handle quite well. Can you help me?
A. A difficult one this; all I can really suggest is that you have the frame checked as it must be bent giving by some chance the good handling you mentioned. Indeed in our experience the machine you own is neither use nor ornament.

Q. When I apply the front brake on my Suzuki it snatches badly, usually locking the wheel. Indeed the brake only seems to work in this way, very much like a stick through the spokes.
A. Try using a rotten piece of wood, or since it's an Eastern machine use a piece of balsa wood. This will break under extreme pressure thereby curing the locked wheels.

Q. I always get wet when I go out riding in the rain. Have you any hints you can pass on to keep me dry?
A. Yes - stay inside! Incidentally, it's not true that buying a thousand pound motorcycle will keep you any drier when it rains.