Foz Lists

Collected lists of wit and wisdom.

  1. Football quotes
  2. Good Advice
  3. Cross Examination By Learned Council
  4. Pilots Report Problems With The Aircraft
  5. Amazing Insurance Form Claims
  6. The Older We Get, The Less We Know
  7. These Are Metaphors From Actual GCSE Essays
  8. Here Are The Rules From The Male Side.
  9. The Years Best Headlines
  10. Handy Hints
  11. Rural Australia Thesaurus Of Computer Terminology
  12. Punishments
  13. As I Mature
  14. Famous Welsh Films
  15. The Positive Side Of Life
  16. Replies Put on Child Support Agency Forms
  17. Things That Make You Feel Like A Man
  18. Why, why, why
  19. Top Tips
  20. Perks of reaching 50
  21. One (Long) Liners
  22. Good Advice
  23. Der New 2005 California State Employee Handbook
  24. You Know You Are Living Now When
  25. Comments During The Summer Olympics
  26. Learn Chinese in 5 Minutes
  27. Exchanges Between Pilots And Control Towers
  28. Rude Riddles
  29. Thank God For Church Ladies With Typewriters
  30. Golfing Terminology
  31. Primary School Kids Write About "The Sea"
  32. One Liners
  33. Before Computers
  34. A Few Thoughts
  35. Evening Classes For Men
  36. How To Stay Young
  37. Ramblings From The Old Blogger
  38. More Things You Never Knew
  39. Haynes Manual Translations
  40. It's Great Being A Man Because
  41. Great Unanswered Questions
  42. Statements About The Bible Written By Children
  43. More General Musings
  44. Some Great One-Liners From The Edinburgh Festival
  45. Long Live Male Chauvinism
  46. Rules For Life
  47. Computer Help Line
  48. Health Question & Answer Session
  49. Objects Are Either Male Or Female
  50. A Dog Is Better Than
  51. How Blonde Was She?
  52. Twenty Things You Should Only Say At Christmas
  53. Clips From Council Complaint Letters
  54. Radio Phone-Ins
  55. Double-Entendres
  56. Tommy Cooper Classics
  57. Instructions On Consumer Goods
  58. Anagrams
  59. Randoms
  60. Good Advice
  61. Murphy's Laws On Work
  62. More Jokes
  63. Short Jokes
  64. The Human Body
  65. Remember When
  66. When The Fight Started
  67. Words of Wisdom
  68. The Economy
  69. Quickfires
  70. Correct Office Expressions
  71. American Geography Questions
  72. Non PC
  73. Kulula Airlines
  74. Ways to tell you're grown up
  75. Things My Motorcycle Has Taught Me
  76. A Drop of the Irish
  77. Very Non-PC
  78. Why We Love Children
  79. A Quicky or Two
  80. Sex Quotes
  81. More Quickies
  82. Five Answers We've Been Waiting For
  83. Historical Knowledge
  84. Amazingly Simple Home Remedies
  85. Sky News Reports
  86. A Little Bit Rude
  87. Smart Arse Answers
  88. Little Ralphy
  89. Dear Editor
  90. Medical Reports
  91. Very Brave Man Jokes
  92. Should offend just about everyone
  93. Yorkshire Puddings
  94. Short and Sour
  95. Paddy Whackers
  96. Politically Incorrect
  97. Rib Ticklers
  98. British Humour
  99. Italian Cruises
  100. Police Comments
  101. Washington DC Airport Agent
  102. Proof That The World Is Nuts
  103. Cheap Cracks
  104. Darwin Awards
  105. Office Language
  106. Interesting Things When You Have Sons
  107. Men Are Like
  108. School Reports
  109. Too Rude To Tell
  110. Back In The Paddy Fields
  111. More Rude Stuff
  112. Men Are Just Happier People
  113. Dreadful British Puns
  114. Best Short Letters
  115. Puns For The Educated
  116. Review of 2012
  117. Horseburgers
  118. Punography
  119. A Laugh or Two
  120. Confucius did NOT say
  121. Thomas Cook Holidays Complaints
  122. Best Two Liners
  123. Hello - Operator
FOOTBALL QUOTES . . .

"My parents have been there for me, ever since I was about 7." - David Beckham

"I would not be bothered if we lost every game as long as we won the league." - Mark Viduka

"Alex Ferguson is the best manager I've ever had at this level. Well, he's the only manager I've actually had at this level. But he's the best manager I've ever had." - David Beckham

"If you don't believe you can win, there is no point in getting out of bed at the end of the day." - Neville Southall

"I've had 14 bookings this season - 8 of which were my fault, but 7 of which were disputable." - Paul Gascoigne

"I've never wanted to leave. I'm here for the rest of my life, and hopefully after that as well." - Alan Shearer

"I'd like to play for an Italian club, like Barcelona." - Mark Draper

"You've got to believe that you're going to win, and I believe we'll win the World Cup until the final whistle blows and we're knocked out." - Peter Shilton

"I faxed a transfer request to the club at the beginning of the week, but let me state that I don't want to leave Leicester." - Stan Collymore

"I was watching the Blackburn game on TV on Sunday when it flashed on the screen that George (Ndah) had scored in the first minute at Birmingham. My first reaction was to ring him up. Then I remembered he was out there playing." - Ade Akinbiyi

"Without being too harsh on David Beckham, he cost us the match." - Ian Wright

"I'm as happy as I can be - but I have been happier." - Ugo Ehiogu

"Leeds is a great club and it's been my home for years, even though I live in Middlesborough." - Jonathan Woodgate

"I can see the carrot at the end of the tunnel." - Stuart Pearce

"I took a whack on my left ankle, but something told me it was my right." - Lee Hendrie

"I couldn't settle in Italy - it was like living in a foreign country." - Ian Rush

"Germany are a very difficult team to play...they had 11 internationals out there today." - Steve Lomas

"I always used to put my right boot on first, and then obviously my right sock." - Barry Venison

"I definitely want Brooklyn to be christened, but I don't know into what religion yet." - David Beckham

"The Brazilians were South American, and the Ukrainians will be more European." - Phil Neville

"All that remains is for a few dots and commas to be crossed." - Mitchell Thomas

"One accusation you can't throw at me is that I've always done my best." - Alan Shearer

"I'd rather play in front of a full house than an empty crowd." - Johnny Giles

"Sometimes in football you have to score goals." - Thierry Henry.

GOOD ADVICE . . .

Don't squat with your spurs on.

Good judgment comes from experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgment.

Letting the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier than putting it back in.

If you're riding ahead of the herd, take a look back every now and then to make sure it's still there.

If you get to thinking you're a person of some influence, try ordering somebody else's dog around.

After eating an entire bull, a mountain lion felt so good he started roaring. He kept it up until a hunter came along and shot him ....... The moral: When you're full of bull, keep your mouth shut.

Never kick a cow chip on a hot day.

There's two theories to arguing with a woman. Neither one works.

If you find yourself in a hole, the first thing to do is stop digging.

Never slap a man who's chewing tobacco.

It don't take a genius to spot a goat in a flock of sheep.

Always drink upstream from the herd.

When you give a lesson in meanness to a critter or a person, don't be surprised if they learn their lesson.

When you're throwin' your weight around, be ready to have it thrown around by somebody else.

The quickest way to double your money is to fold it over and put it back in your pocket.

Never miss a good chance to shut up.

There are three kinds of men. The one that learns by reading. The few who learn by observation. The rest of them have to pee on the electric fence for themselves.

I have the body of a god . . . Buddha.

My body is in good shape . . . a sphere is a shape.

The liver is evil and must be punished.

A lawyer will help you get whats coming to him.

Why do people try to make up the time they waste in bed when they get to the car park?

A thermos keeps hot drinks hot and cold drinks cool . . . how does it know?

I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it.

My wild oats have turned into prunes and All Bran.

I finally got my head together; now my body is falling apart.

All reports are in . . . Life is now officially unfair.

If all is not lost, where is it?

It is easier to get older than it is to get wiser.

Some days you're the dog; some days you're the hydrant.

I wish the buck stopped here; I sure could use a few.

It's hard to make a come back when you haven't been anywhere.

The only time the world beats a path to your door is when you're in the bathroom.

If God wanted me to touch my toes, he would have put them on my knees.

When I'm finally holding all the cards, why does everyone decide to play chess?

It's not hard to meet expenses . . . they're everywhere.

The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.

These days, I spend a lot of time thinking about the hereafter . . . I go somewhere to get something and then wonder what I'm here after.

Jesus is coming . . . look busy.

You can recognise a happy motorcyclist by the flies on his teeth.

I may as well work . . . I'm in a bad mood anyway.

Do you ever have one of those days when you only have one nerve left . . . and somebody gets on it.

No matter how hard you try, you can't baptize cats.

Kids . . . when your Mom is mad at your Dad, don't let her brush your hair.

Kids . . . if your sister hits you, don't hit her back. They always catch the second person.

Kids . . . never ask your 3-year old brother to hold a tomato.

You can't trust dogs to watch your food.

Don't sneeze when someone is cutting your hair.

Never hold a Dust-Buster and a cat at the same time.

Kids, you can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk.

Don't wear polka-dot underwear under white shorts.

Raising teenagers is like nailing jelly to a tree.

Wrinkles don't hurt.

Families are like fudge . . . mostly sweet, with a few nuts.

Today's mighty oak is just yesterday's nut that held its ground.

Laughing is good exercise. It's like jogging on the inside.

Middle age is when you choose your cereal for the fibre, not the toy.

COURT RECORDS OF CROSS EXAMINATION BY LEARNED COUNCIL . . .

Q: What is your date of birth?
A: July fifteenth.
Q: What year?
A: Every year.

Q: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
A: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.

Q: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
A: Yes.
Q: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
A: I forget.
Q: You forget. Can you give us an example of something that you've forgotten?

Q: How old is your son, the one living with you?
A: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
Q: How long has he lived with you?
A: Forty-five years.

Q: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
A: Yes.
Q: And what were you doing at that time?

Q: What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke up that morning?
A: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
Q: And why did that upset you?
A: My name is Susan.

Q: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo or the occult?
A: We both do.
Q: Voodoo?
A: We do.
Q: You do?
A: Yes, voodoo.

Q: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?

Q: The youngest son, the twenty-year old, how old is he?

Q: Were you present when your picture was taken?

Q: She had three children, right?
A: Yes.
Q: How many were boys?
A: None.
Q: Were there any girls?

Q: How was your first marriage terminated?
A: By death.
Q: And by whose death was it terminated?

Q: Can you describe the individual?
A: He was about medium height and had a beard.
Q: Was this a male, or a female?

Q: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
A: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.

Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?
A: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.

Q: All your responses must be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
A: Oral.

Q: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
A: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
Q: And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?
A: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy.

Q: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for blood pressure?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for breathing?
A: No.
Q: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
A: No.
Q: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
Q: But could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
A: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere.....

PILOTS REPORT PROBLEMS WITH THE AIRCRAFT AND THE MECHANICS RESPOND . . .

Problem: Left inside main tyre almost needs replacement.
Solution: Almost replaced left inside main tyre.

Problem: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
Solution: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.

Problem: Something loose in cockpit.
Solution: Something tightened in cockpit.

Problem: Dead bugs on windshield.
Solution: Live bugs on back-order.

Problem: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent.
Solution: Cannot reproduce Problem on ground.

Problem: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
Solution: Evidence removed.

Problem: DME volume unbelievably loud.
Solution: DME volumes set to more believable level.

Problem: Friction locks cause throttle levers to Stick.
Solution: That's what they're there for.

Problem: IFF inoperative.
Solution: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

Problem: Suspected crack in windshield.
Solution: Suspect you're right.

Problem: Number 3 engine missing.
Solution: Engine found on right wing after brief search.

Problem: Aircraft handles funny.
Solution: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right and be serious.

Problem: Target radar hums.
Solution: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.

Problem: Mouse in cockpit.
Solution: Cat installed.

AMAZING INSURANCE FORM CLAIMS . . .

Coming home I drove into the wrong house and collided with a tree I don't have.

The other car collided with mine without giving warning of its intentions.

I thought my window was down but I found out it was up when I put my head through it.

I collided with a stationary truck coming the other way.

A truck backed through my windscreen into my wife's face.

A pedestrian hit me and went under my car.

The guy was all over the road. I had to swerve a number of times before I hit him.

I pulled away from the side of the road, glanced at my mother-in-law and headed over the embankment.

In my attempt to kill a fly, I drove into a telephone pole.

I had been shopping for plants all day and was on my way home. As I reached a junction, a hedge sprang up, obscuring my vision and I did not see the other car.

I had been driving for 40 years when I fell asleep at the wheel and had an accident.

I was on my way to the doctor with rear end trouble when my universal joint gave way causing me to have an accident.

As I approached the intersection, a sign suddenly appeared in a place where no stop sign had ever appeared before. I was unable to stop in time to avoid the accident.

To avoid hitting the bumper of the car in front, I struck the pedestrian.

My car was legally parked as it backed into the other vehicle.

An invisible car came out of nowhere, struck my car and vanished.

I told the police that I was not injured but on removing my hat, I found that I had a fractured skull.

I was sure the old fellow would never make it to the other side of the road when I struck him.

The pedestrian had no idea which direction to run so I ran over him.

I saw a slow moving, sad faced old gentlemen as he bounced off the hood of my car.

The indirect cause of the accident was a little guy in a small car with a big mouth.

I was thrown from my car as it left the road. I was later found in a ditch by some stray cows.

The telephone pole was approaching. I was attempting to swerve out of its way when it struck my front end.

THE OLDER WE GET, THE LESS WE KNOW . . .

Why does your gynaecologist leave the room when you get undressed?

If a person owns a piece of land do they own it all the way down to the core of the earth?

Why can't women put on mascara with their mouth closed?

Is it possible to brush your teeth without wiggling your arse?

Why is it called Alcoholics Anonymous when the first thing you do is stand up and say, 'My name is Bob, and I am an alcoholic'?

If you mated a bulldog and a shitsu, would it be called a bullshit?

Why are they called stairs inside but steps outside?

Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?

Why does mineral water that 'has trickled through mountains for centuries' have a use by date?

Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp no one would eat?

Is French kissing in France just called kissing?

Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, 'I think I'll squeeze these dangly things here and drink whatever comes out'?

What do people in China call their good plates?

If the professor on Gilligan's Island can make a radio out of a coconut, why can't he fix a hole in a boat?

Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but don't point to their crotch when they ask where the bathroom is?

Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours?

What do you call male ballerinas?

Can blind people see their dreams? Do they dream?

If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that Acme crap, why couldn't he just buy dinner?

Why is a person that handles your money called a 'Broker'?

If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?

If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, then what is baby oil made from?

If a man is talking in the forest, and no woman is there to hear him, is he still wrong?

Why is it that when someone tells you that there are over a billion stars in the universe, you believe them, but if they tell you there is wet paint somewhere, you have to touch it to make sure?

Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Soup?

When you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you but when you take him on a car ride, he sticks his head out the window?

THESE ARE METAPHORS FROM ACTUAL GCSE ESSAYS . . .

Her face was a perfect oval, like a circle that had its two other sides gently compressed by a Thigh Master.

His thoughts tumbled in his head, making and breaking alliances like underpants in a tumble dryer.

She caught your eye like one of those pointy hook latches that used to dangle from doors and would fly up whenever you banged the door again.

The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the way a bowling ball wouldn't.

McMurphy fell 12 stories, hitting the pavement like a paper bag filled with vegetable soup.

Her hair glistened in the rain like nose hair after a sneeze.

Her eyes were like two brown circles with big black dots in the centre

Her vocabulary was as bad as, like, whatever.

He was as tall as a six-foot-three-inch tree.

The hailstones leaped from the pavement, just like maggots when you fry them in hot grease.

Long separated by cruel fate, the star-crossed lovers raced across the grassy field toward each other like two freight trains, one having left York at 6:36 p.m. travelling at 55 mph, the other from Peterborough at 4:19p.m. at a speed of 35 mph.

The politician was gone but unnoticed, like the full stop after the Dr. on a Dr Pepper can.

John and Mary had never met. They were like two hummingbirds who had also never met.

The thunder was ominous sounding, much like the sound of a thin sheet of metal being shaken backstage during the storm scene in a play.

The red brick wall was the colour of a brick-red crayon.

Even in his last years, Granddad had a mind like a steel trap, only one that had been left out so long it had rusted shut.

The door had been forced, as forced as the dialogue during the interview portion of Family Fortunes.

Shots rang out, as shots are wont to do.

The plan was simple, like my brother Phil. But unlike Phil, this plan just might work.

The young fighter had a hungry look, the kind you get from not eating for a while.

"Oh, Jason, take me!" she panted, her breasts heaving like a student on 31p-a-pint night.

He was as lame as a duck. Not the metaphorical lame duck either, but a real duck that was actually lame. Maybe from stepping on a land mine or something.

Her artistic sense was exquisitely refined, like someone who can tell butter from "I Can't Believe It's Not Butter."

She had a deep, throaty, genuine laugh, like that sound a dog makes just before it throws up.

It came down the stairs looking very much like something no one had ever seen before.

The knife was as sharp as the tone used by Glenda Jackson MP in her first several points of parliamentary procedure made to Robin Cook MP, Leader of the House of Commons, in the House Judiciary Committee hearings on the suspension of Keith Vaz MP.

The ballerina rose gracefully en pointe and extended one slender leg behind her like a dog at a lamp-post.

His wife's infidelity came as a rude shock, like a surcharge at a formerly surcharge-free cashpoint.

The dandelion swayed in the gentle breeze like an oscillating electric fan set on medium.

It was a working class tradition, like fathers chasing kids around with their power tools.

He was deeply in love. When she spoke, he thought he heard bells, as if she were a dustcart reversing.

She grew on him like she was a colony of E. coli and he was room-temperature British beef.

She walked into my office like a centipede with 98 missing legs.

It hurt the way your tongue hurts after you accidentally staple it to the wall.

HERE ARE THE RULES FROM THE MALE SIDE. PLEASE NOTE THESE ARE ALL NUMBERED "1" ON PURPOSE . . .

Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.

Sunday = sports. It's like the full moon and the changing of the tides. Let it be.

Shopping is NOT a sport. And no, we are never going to think of it that way.

Crying is blackmail.

Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one: Subtle hints do not work! Strong hints do not work! Obvious hints do not work! Just say it!

Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.

Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.

A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.

Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 days.

If you won't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't expect us to act like soap opera guys.

If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us.

If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.

You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done. Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.

Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.

Christopher Columbus did not need directions and neither do we.

Men see in only 16 colours, like Windows default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.

If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.

If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," we will act like nothing's wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.

If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear.

When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine. Really.

Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as sex, football or motorbikes.

You have enough clothes.

You have too many shoes.

I am in shape. Round is a shape.

THE YEAR'S BEST HEADLINES . . .

Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges
You mean there's something stronger than duct tape?

Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says
No, really?

Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers
Now that's taking things a bit far!

Panda Mating Fails: Veterinarian Takes Over
What a guy!

Miners Refuse to Work after Death
Those good-for-nothing lazy so-and-sos!

Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant
See if that works any better than a fair trial!

War Dims Hope for Peace
I can see where it might have that effect!

If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last Awhile
Ya' think?!

Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures
Who would have thought!

Enfield Couple Slain: Police Suspect Homicide
They may be on to something!

Man Struck By Lightning: Faces Battery Charge
He probably IS the battery charge!

New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group
Weren't they fat enough?

Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft
That's what he gets for eating those beans!

Kids Make Nutritious Snacks
Do they taste like chicken?

Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half
Chain-saw Massacre all over again!

Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors
Boy, are they tall!

Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery: Hundreds Dead
Did I read that right?

HANDY HINTS . . .

If a small child is choking on an ice cube, don't panic. Simply pour a jug of boiling water down its throat and hey presto! The blockage is almost instantly removed.

Weight watchers. Avoid that devilish temptation to nibble at a chocolate bar in the cupboard or fridge by not buying the f**king thing in the first place, you fat bastard.

An empty aluminium cigar tube filled with angry wasps makes an inexpensive vibrator.

At supermarket checkouts a Toblerone box makes a handy 'Next customer Please' sign for dyslexic shoppers.

Girls. Don't worry about a nice dress for that important first date. All he's interested in is seeing you starkers.

Avoid parking tickets by leaving your windscreen wipers turned to 'fast wipe' whenever you leave your car parked illegally.

Don't invite drug addicts round for a meal on Boxing Day. They may find The offer of cold turkey embarrassing or offensive.

Clumsy? Avoid cutting yourself while slicing vegetables by getting someone else to hold them while you chop away.

Save on booze by drinking cold tea instead of whisky. The morning after, you can create the effects of a hangover by drinking a thimble full of washing up liquid and banging your head repeatedly on the wall.

Recreate the fun of a visit to a public swimming pool in your home by filling the bath with cold water, adding two bottles of bleach, then urinating into it, before jumping in.

X-Files fans. Create the effect of being abducted by aliens by drinking two bottles of vodka. You'll invariably wake up in a strange place the following morning, having had your memory mysteriously 'erased'.

Don't waste money buying expensive binoculars. Simply stand next to the object you wish to view.

Putting just the right amount of gin in your goldfish bowl will make the fishes' eyes bulge and cause them to swim in an amusing manner.

Thicken up runny low-fat yoghurt by stirring in a spoonful of lard.

Anorexics. When your knees become fatter than your legs, start eating cakes again.

A next door neighbour's car aerial, carefully folded, makes an ideal coat hanger in an emergency.

Olympic athletes. Disguise the fact that you've taken steroids by running a bit slower.

Smokers. Save on matches and lighters, by simply lighting your next fag from the butt of your last one.

Vegetarians coming to dinner? Simply serve them a nice bit of steak or veal. Since they're always going on about how tofu, Quorn, meat substitute etc 'tastes exactly like the real thing', they won't know the difference.

Invited by vegetarians for dinner? Point out that since you'd no doubt be made aware of their special dietary requirements, tell them about yours, and ask for a nice steak.

Before attempting to remove stubborn stains from a garment, always circle the stain in permanent pen, so that when you remove the garment from the washing machine you can easily locate the area of the stain and check that it has gone.

Give comics that 'Pulp Fiction' feel by reading the last frames of cartoons first, then read the rest in a random order.

High blood pressure sufferers. Simply cut yourself and bleed for a while, thus reducing the pressure in your veins.

Heavy smokers. Don't throw away those filters from the end of your cigarettes. Save them up and within a few years you'll have enough to insulate your roof.

Motorists. Enjoy the freedom of cycling by removing your windscreen, sticking half a melon skin on you head, then jumping red lights and driving the wrong way up one way streets.

Always poo at work. Not only will you save money on toilet paper, but you'll also be getting paid for it.

Nissan Micra drivers. Attach a lighted sparkler to the roof of your car before starting a long journey. You drive the things like dodgems anyway, so it may as well look like one.

A mouse trap placed on top on of your alarm clock will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep.

THE RURAL AUSTRALIA THESAURUS OF COMPUTER TERMINOLOGY . . .

Log On - Make the barbecue hotter

Log Off - The barbecue is too hot

Monitor - Keeping an eye on the barbecue

Download - Get the firewood off the ute

Hard drive - Trip back home without any cold tinnies

Floppy Disc - What you get lifting too much firewood at once

Keyboard - Where you hang the ute and bike keys

Window - What you shut when it's cold

Screen - What you shut in the mosquito season

Byte - What mosquitoes do

Bit - What mosquitoes did

Mega Byte - What Townsville mosquitoes do

Chip - A bar snack

Micro Chip - What's left in the bag after you have eaten the chips

Modem - What you did to the lawns

Dot Matrix - Old Dan Matrix's wife

Laptop - Where the cat sleeps

Software - Plastic knives and forks you get at Big Rooster

Hardware - Real stainless steel knives and forks from K Mart

Mouse - What eats the grain in the shed

Mainframe - What holds the shed up

Web - What spiders make

Web Site - The shed or under the verandah

Cursor - The old bloke who swears a lot

Search Engine - What you do when the ute won't go

Yahoo - What you say when the ute does go

Upgrade - A steep hill

Server - The person at the pub that brings out the counter lunch

Mail Server - The bloke at the pub that brings out the counter lunch

User - The neighbour who keeps borrowing things

Network - When you have to repair your fishing net

Internet - Complicated fish net repair method

Netscape - When fish manoeuvres out of reach of net

Online - When you get the laundry hung out

Off Line - When the pegs don't hold the washing up

PUNISHMENTS . . .

Two vultures board an airplane, each carrying two dead raccoons. The stewardess says: "I'm sorry, gentlemen, only one carrion allowed per passenger."

Two boll weevils grew up in South Carolina. One went to Hollywood and became a famous actor. The other stayed behind in the cotton fields and never amounted to much. The second one, naturally, became known as the lesser of two weevils.

Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, but when they lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it.

A three-legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West. He slides up to the bar and announces: "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw."

Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during the root canal? He wanted to transcend dental medication.

A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour the manager came out of his office and asked them to disperse. "But why?" they asked, as they moved off. "Because," he said, "I can't stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer."

A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named Ahmal. The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him Juan. Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband responds, "They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal."

These friars were behind in their belfry payments, so they opened up a small florist shop to raise funds. Since everyone liked to buy flowers from the men of God, a rival florist across town thought the competition was unfair. He asked the good fathers to close down, but they would not. So, the rival florist hired Hugh MacTaggart, the roughest and most vicious thug in town to persuade them to close. Hugh beat up the friars and trashed their store, saying he'd be back if they didn't close up shop. Terrified, they did so, thereby proving that Hugh, and only Hugh, can prevent florist friars.

Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him a super callused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

Finally, there was the person who sent ten different puns to friends, with the hope that at least one of the puns would make them laugh. Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.

AS I MATURE . . .

You cannot make someone love you. All you can do is stalk them and hope they panic and give in.

No matter how much I care, some people are just assholes.

It takes years to build up trust, and it only takes suspicion, not proof, to destroy it.

You can get by on charm for about fifteen minutes. After that, you'd better have a big willy or huge boobs.

You shouldn't compare yourself to others - they are more screwed up than you think.

You can keep vomiting long after you think you're finished.

We are responsible for what we do, unless we are celebrities.

Regardless of how hot and steamy a relationship is at first, the passion fades, and there had better be a lot of money to take its place!

99% of the time when something isn't working in your house, one of your kids did it.

The people you care most about in life are taken from you too soon and all the less important ones just never go away.

FAMOUS WELSH FILMS . . .

Trefforest Gump

Cwmando

The Lost Boyos

An American Werewolf in Powys

Huw Dares Gwyneth

Dai Hard

The Wizard of Oswestry

Sheepless in Seattle

The Eagle has Llandudno

The Magnificent Severn

Breakfast at Taffynys

Look You Back in Bangor

Evans Can Wait

A Fish Called Rhondda

Haverfordwest Was Won

Austin Powys

The Magic Rhonddabout

Independence Dai

The Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwllllantysiliogogogoch That Time Forgot

Seven Brides from Seven Sisters

The Bridge on the River Wye

The Sheepshag Redemption

Where Eagles Aberdare

Dial M For Merthyr

From Hirwaun to Eternity

THE POSITIVE SIDE OF LIFE . . .

Living on Earth is expensive, but it does include a free trip around the sun every year.

Birthdays are good for you; the more you have, the longer you live.

Happiness comes through doors you didn't even know you left open.

Ever notice that the people who are late are often much jollier than the people who have to wait for them?

How long a minute is depends on what side of the bathroom door you're on.

If Wal-Mart is lowering prices every day, how come nothing is free yet?

You may be only one person in the world, but you may also be the world to one person.

Some mistakes are too much fun to only make once.

Don't cry because it's over; smile because it happened.

We could learn a lot from crayons: some are sharp, some are pretty, some are dull, some have weird names, and all are different colors....but they all exist very nicely in the same box.

A truly happy person is one who can enjoy the scenery on a detour.

REPLIES PUT ON CHILD SUPPORT AGENCY FORMS . . .

Regarding the identity of the father of my twins, child A was fathered by Jim X. I am unsure as to the identity of the father of child B, but I believe that he was conceived on the same night.

I am unsure as to the identity of the father of my child as I was being sick out of a window when taken unexpectedly from behind. I can provide you with a list of names of men that I think were at the party if this helps.

I do not know the name of the father of my little girl. She was conceived at a party on Acacia Avenue where I had unprotected sex with a man I met that night. I do remember that the sex was so good that I fainted. If you do manage to track down the father can you send me his phone number? Thanks.

I don't know the identity of the father of my daughter. He drives a BMW that now has a hole made by my stiletto in one of the door panels. Perhaps you can contact BMW service stations in this area and see if he's had it replaced.

I have never had sex with a man. I am awaiting a letter from the Pope confirming that my son's conception was immaculate and that he is Christ risen again.

I cannot tell you the name of child A's dad as he informs me that to do so would blow his cover and that would have cataclysmic implications for the economy. I am torn between doing right by you and right by the country. Please advise.

I do not know who the father of my child was as all sailors look the same to me. I can confirm that he was on a ship berthed at Norfolk.

Peter X is the father of child A. If you do catch up with him can you ask him what he did with my AC/DC CDs?

From the dates it seems that my daughter was conceived at Disney - maybe it really is the Magic Kingdom.

So much about that night is a blur. The only thing that I remember for sure is Delia Smith did a program about eggs earlier in the evening. If I'd have stayed in and watched more TV rather than going to the party at Miller Drive, mine might have remained unfertilised.

I am unsure as to the identity of the father of my baby- after all when you eat a can of beans you can't be sure which one made you fart.

THINGS THAT MAKE YOU FEEL LIKE A MAN . . .

OPENING JARS - She's struggling. You take it from her hands, open it effortlessly and pretend she loosened it for you. She didn't. Jars are men's work.

CALLING SOMEONE 'SON' - Especially policemen but even saying it to kids makes you the man.

DOING A PROPER SLIDE TACKLE - Beckham free kicks? Gay. A Stuart Pearce tackle is the pinnacle of the game, simultaneously winning the ball and crippling the man. Magic.

SHARPENING A PENCIL WITH A STANLEY KNIFE - Blunt, is it? Hand it here love. No, I don't need a sharpener, you think I can't whittle?

GOING TO THE TIP - A manly act which combines driving, lifting and - as you thrillingly drop your rubbish into another huge pile of other rubbish - noisy destruction.

DRINKING UP - Specifically, rising from the table, slinging your coat on and downing two thirds of a pint in one fluid movement. Then nodding towards the door, saying, "Let's go" and striding out while everyone else struggles to catch up with you. God, you're hard.

HAVING A THIN BIT OF WOOD - in the shed, solely to stir paint with.

HAVING A SCAR - Ideally it'll be a facial knife wound, but even an iron burn on the wrist is good. "Ooh, did it hurt". "Nah".

HAVING A HANGOVER AND THICK STUBBLE - When birds have been partying they just whinge. You, on the other hand have physical evidence of your hardness, sprouting from your face. "Big night?" Grr, what does it look like.

NODDING AT COPPERS - A moments eye contact is all it takes for you to share the unspoken bond. "We've not seen eye to eye in the past", it says, "but someone's got to keep the little scrotes in line".

USING POWER TOOLS - slightly more powerful than you need or can safely handle. One handed with a pencil on the ear. Superb.

KICKING A FOOTY AGAINST A GARAGE DOOR - Clang-g-g-g-g-g-! Stitch that Becks, I kick so hard I set off car alarms.

ARRIVING IN A PUB LATE... and everyone cheers you. It doesn't mean you're popular, it just means your mates are pissed. However, the rest of the pub doesn't know that.

NOT WATCHING YOUR WEIGHT - fat is a feminist issue, apparently. Brilliant. Pass the pork scratchings.

CARVING THE ROAST - and saying "are you a leg or breast man" to the blokes and "do you want stuffing" to the women. Congratulations, you are now your dad.

WINKING - turns women to putty. Doesn't it?

TEST SWINGING HAMMERS - ideally B&Q would have little changing rooms with mirrors so you could see how rugged you look with any DIY item. Until then, we'll make do with the aisles.

TAKING OUT £500 FROM A CASHPOINT - okay, so it's for paying the plumber but with that much cash you feel like a mafia don. The only thing better is peeling notes off the roll later.

PHONE CALLS THAT LAST LESS THAN A MINUTE - unlike birds, we get straight to the point. "alright? Yep. Drink? Red lion? Seven. Seeya."

PARALLEL PARKING - bosh, straight in, first time.

HAVING EARNED THAT PINT - Since the dawn of time, men have toiled in the fields in blistering heat. Why? So, when it's over we can stand there in silence, surveying our work with one hand resting on the beer gut while the other nurses a foaming jug of ale. Aaaah.

HAVING SOMETHING PROPERLY WRONG WITH YOU - especially if you didn't make a fuss. "Why was I off; nothing much, just a brain haemorrhage".

KNOWING WHICH SCREWDRIVER IS WHICH - "a Phillips? For that? Are you mad, bint?"

TAKING A NEWSPAPER INTO THE LOO - a visual code that says "that's right, I'm going in there for a huge, long man-sized shit."

CALLING YOUR MATE A C**T - and punching him on the shoulder. Just a man's way of saying "you're a good mate; I missed you while you were in hospital".

DRINKING SCALDING TEA - no poofy poofing. Drain it down then throw the dregs in the dust. Style and a blistered tongue.

WHY, WHY, WHY . . .

Do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are getting dead?

Do banks charge a fee on "insufficient funds" when they know there is not enough money?

Does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?

Do they use sterilized needles for death by lethal injection?

Doesn't Tarzan have a beard?

Does Superman stop bullets with his chest, but ducks when you throw a revolver at him?

Do Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?

Is it that no matter what color bubble bath you use the bubbles are always white?

Did they put an "S" in the word "lisp"?

Do people constantly return to the refrigerator with hopes that something new to eat will have materialized?

Do people keep running over a string a dozen times with their vacuum cleaner, then reach down, pick it up, examine it, then put it down to give the vacuum one more chance?

Is it that no plastic bag will open from the end on your first try?

Is it that whenever you attempt to catch something that's falling off the table you always manage to knock something else over?

Do we try to keep the house as warm in winter as it was in summer when we complained about the heat?

TOP TIPS . . .

DON'T waste money on expensive iPods. Simply think of your favourite tune and hum it. If you want to "switch tracks", simply think of another song you like and hum that instead.

CINEMA GOERS: Please have consideration for pirate DVD viewers by having a p*ss before the film starts.

RAPPERS: Avoid having to say 'know what I'm sayin' all the time by actually speaking clearly in the first place.

DON'T waste money on expensive paper shredders to avoid having your identity stolen. Simply place a few dog turds in the bin bags along with your old bank statements.

RED WINE DRINKERS: Worried that your teeth will be stained after a heavy night of drinking red wine? Simply drink a bottle of white wine before going to bed to remove the stains.

SOLDIERS: Invest in a digital camera to avoid all that court martial tomfoolery after a trip to Trueprint.

MURDERERS: Need to dispose of a body? Simply parcel it up and post it to yourself via DHL. You will never see it again.

BURGLARS: When fleeing from the police, run with your right arm sticking out at 90 degrees, wrapped in a baby mattress in case they set one of their dogs on you.

EMPLOYERS: Avoid hiring unlucky people by immediately tossing half the CVs into the bin.

MEN: When listening to your favourite CD, simply turn up the sound to the volume you desire; then turn it down three notches. This will save your wife from having to do it.

GAMBLERS: For a new gambling opportunity, try sending £50 to yourself by Royal Mail.

BANGING two pistachio nutshells together gives the impression that a very small horse is approaching.

BLIND PEOPLE: Give yourself at least a chance of seeing something by not wearing heavy dark glasses all the time.

ALCOHOL makes an ideal substitute for happiness.

DRIVERS: If a car breaks down or stalls in front of you, beep your horn and wave your arms frantically. This should help the car start and send them on their way.

PREVENT burglars stealing everything in the house by simply moving everything in the house into your bedroom when you go to bed. In the morning, simply move it all back again.

CAR THIEVES: Don't be discouraged when nothing is on view. All the valuables may be hidden in the glove box or under a seat.

MOTORISTS: Avoid getting prosecuted for using your phone whilst driving. Simply pop your mobile inside a large shell and the police will think you are listening to the sea.

JEREMY BEADLE: When selling DVDs on your TV advert, hold the disks in your bigger hand so that they do not appear to be the size of laser disks.

SHOES last twice as long if only worn every other day.

SINGLE MEN: Convince people that you have a girlfriend by standing outside Etam with several bags of shopping, looking at your watch and occasionally glancing inside.

BOIL an egg to perfection without costly egg timers by popping the egg into boiling water and driving away from your home at exactly 60 mph. After 3 miles, phone your wife and tell her to take the egg out the pan.

ALCOHOLICS: Don't worry where the next drink is coming from. Go to the pub, where a large selection is available at retail prices.

McDONALDS: Make your brown carrier bags green in colour so they blend in with the countryside after they've been thrown out of car windows.

PERKS OF REACHING 50 . . .

Kidnappers are not very interested in you.

In hostage situation, You are likely to be released first.

No one expects you to run -- Anywhere.

People call at 9 pm and ask, 'Did I wake you?'

People no longer view you as hypochondriac.

There is nothing left to learn the hard way.

Things you buy now won't wear out.

You can eat supper at 4 pm.

You can live without sex but not your glasses.

You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.

You quit trying to hold your stomach in no matter who walks into the room?

You sing along with elevator music.

Your eyes won't get much worse.

Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to pay off.

Your joints are more accurate meteorologists than the national weather service.

Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can't remember them either.

Your supply of brain cells is finally down to a manageable size.

You won't remember where you read this list.

ONE (LONG) LINERS . . .

Two blondes walk into a building. You'd think at least one of them would have seen it.

Phone answering machine message - "...If you want to buy marijuana, press the hash key..."

A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only clingfilm for shorts. The shrink says, "Well, I can clearly see you're nuts."

I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.

I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him 50 quid that he couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf. He said, "No, the steaks are too high."

My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli. A strong currant pulled him in.

A man came round in hospital after a serious accident. He shouted,"Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!" The doclor replied, "I know you can't, I've cut your arms off".

I went to a seafood disco last week and pulled a mussel.

Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered with hundreds and thousands. Police say that he topped himself.

Man goes to the doctor, with a strawberry growing out of his head. Doc says "I'll give you some cream to put on it."

"Doc, I can't stop singing The Green, Green Grass of Home" "That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome." "Is it common?" "It's not unusual."

A man takes his Rotteweiller to the vet. "My dog's cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?" "Well," says the vet, "let's have look at him." So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth. Finally, he says, "I'm going to have to put him down." "What? Because he's cross-eyed?" "No, because he's really heavy."

"Doc, I've got a cricket ball stuck up my backside." "How's that?" "Don't you start."

Two elephants walk off a cliff...boom, boom!

What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.

So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me "Can you give me a lift?" I said "Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it."

Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. There are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mum or my dad, or my older brother John, or my younger brother Ho-Cha-Chu? I think its John.

Two fat blokes in a pub, one says to the other "Your round." The other one says "So are you, fat boy!"

Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid and the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.

Somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen. It said, 'Parking Fine.' That was nice.

"Doc, I've hurt my arm in several places." "Well don't go there anymore."

Ireland's worst air disaster occurred early this morning when a small two-seater Cessna plane crashed into a cemetery. Irish search and rescue workers have recovered 826 bodies so far and expect that number to climb as digging continues into the night.

GOOD ADVICE . . .

Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.

If you had to identify, in one word, the reason why the human race has not achieved, and never will achieve, its full potential, that word would be "meetings."

There is a very fine line between "hobby" and "mental illness".

People who want to share their religious views with you almost never want you to share yours with them.

You should not confuse your career with your life.

Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and dance. (I wish I had!)

Never lick a steak knife.

The most destructive force in the universe is gossip.

There comes a time when you should stop expecting other people to make a big deal about your birthday. That time is age 21.

A person, who is nice to you, but rude to a waiter, is not a nice person. (This is very important. Pay attention. It never fails.)

Your friends love you anyway

Never be afraid to try something new. Remember that a lone amateur built the Ark. A large group of professionals built the Titanic.

Men are like fine wine. They start out as grapes, and it's up to the women to stomp the crap out of them until they turn into something acceptable to have dinner with.

YOU KNOW YOU ARE LIVING IN 2010 WHEN . . .

1. You accidentally enter your password on the microwave.

2. You haven't played solitaire with real cards in years.

3. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of three.

4. You e-mail the person who works at the desk next to you.

5. Your reason for not staying in touch with friends and family is that they don't have e-mail addresses.

6. You pull up in your own driveway and use your mobile phone to see if anyone is home to help you carry in the groceries.

7. Every commercial on television has a web site at the bottom of the screen.

8. Leaving the house without your cell phone, which you didn't have the first 50 years of your life, is now a cause for panic and you turn around to go and get it.

10. You get up in the morning and go on line before getting your coffee.

11. You start tilting your head sideways to smile. : )

12. You're reading this and nodding and laughing.

13. Even worse, you know exactly to whom you are going to forward this message.

14. You are too busy to notice there was no number 9 on this list.

15. You scrolled back up to check if there was a number 9 on this list.

YOU KNOW YOU ARE LIVING IN 2010 WHEN . . .

1. You accidentally enter your password on the microwave.

2. You haven't played solitaire with real cards in years.

3. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of three.

4. You e-mail the person who works at the desk next to you.

5. Your reason for not staying in touch with friends and family is that they don't have e-mail addresses.

6. You pull up in your own driveway and use your mobile phone to see if anyone is home to help you carry in the groceries.

7. Every commercial on television has a web site at the bottom of the screen.

8. Leaving the house without your cell phone, which you didn't have the first 50 years of your life, is now a cause for panic and you turn around to go and get it.

10. You get up in the morning and go on line before getting your coffee.

11. You start tilting your head sideways to smile. : )

12. You're reading this and nodding and laughing.

13. Even worse, you know exactly to whom you are going to forward this message.

14. You are too busy to notice there was no number 9 on this list.

15. Now you are going to wait for this to scroll round again to check if there was a number 9 on this list.

COMMENTS DURING THE 2004 SUMMER OLYMPICS . . .

Weightlifting commentator: "This is Gregoriava from Bulgaria. I saw her snatch this morning during her warm up and it was amazing."

Dressage commentator: "This is really a lovely horse and I speak from personal experience since I once mounted her mother."

Paul Hamm, Gymnast: "I owe a lot to my parents, especially my mother and father."

Boxing Analyst: "Sure there have been injuries,and even some deaths in boxing, but none of them really that serious."

Softball announcer: "If history repeats itself, I should think we can expect the same thing again."

Basketball analyst: "He dribbles a lot and the opposition doesn't like it. In fact you can see it all over their faces."

At the rowing medal ceremony: "Ah, isn't that nice, the wife of the IOC president is hugging the cox of the British crew."

Soccer commentator: "Julian Dicks is everywhere. It's like they've got eleven Dicks on the field."

Tennis commentator: "One of the reasons Andy is playing so well is that, before the final round, his wife takes out his balls and kisses them . . . Oh my God, what have I just said?"

LEARN CHINESE IN 5 MINUTES . . .

That's not right
Sum Ting Wong

Are you harbouring a fugitive
Hu Yu Hai Ding

See me ASAP
Kum Hia

Stupid Man
Dum Fuk

Small Horse
Tai Ni Po Ni

Did you go to the beach
Wai Yu So Tan

I bumped the coffee table
Ai Bang Mai Fa Kin Ni

I think you need a face lift
Chin Tu Fat

It's very dark in here
Wai So Dim

I thought you were on a diet
Wai Yu Mun Ching

This is a tow away zone
No Pah King

Our meeting is scheduled for next week
Wai Yu Kum Nao

Staying out of sight
Lei Ying Lo

He's cleaning his automobile
Wa Shing Ka

Your body odour is offensive
Yu Stin Ki Pu

Great
Fa Kin Su Pah

EXCHANGES BETWEEN PILOTS AND CONTROL TOWERS . . .

Tower: "Delta 351, you have traffic at 10 o'clock, 6 miles!"
Delta 351: "Give us another hint! We have digital watches!"

Tower: "TWA 2341, for noise abatement turn right 45 Degrees."
TWA 2341: "Center, we are at 35,000 feet. How much noise can we make up here?"
Tower: "Sir, have you ever heard the noise a 747 makes when it hits a 727?"

From an unknown aircraft waiting in a very long takeoff queue:
"I'm f...ing bored!"
Ground Traffic Control: "Last aircraft transmitting, identify yourself immediately!"
Unknown aircraft: "I said I was f...ing bored, not f...ing stupid!"

O'Hare Approach Control to a 747: "United 329 heavy, your traffic is a Fokker, one o'clock, three miles, Eastbound."
United 329: "Approach, I've always wanted to say this...I've got the little Fokker in sight."

A student became lost during a solo cross-country flight. While attempting to locate the aircraft on radar, ATC asked, "What was your last known position?"
Student: "When I was number one for take off."

A DC-10 had come in a little hot and thus had an exceedingly long roll out after touching down.
San Jose Tower Noted: "American 751, make a hard right turn at the end of the runway, if you are able. If you are not able, take the Guadeloupe exit off Highway 101, make a right at the lights and return to the airport."

There's a story about the military pilot calling for a priority landing because his single-engine jet fighter was running "a bit peaked".
Air Traffic Control told the fighter jock that he was number two, behind a B-52 that had one engine shut down.
"Ah," the fighter pilot remarked, "The dreaded seven-engine approach."

A Pan Am 727 flight, waiting for start clearance in Munich, overheard the following:
Lufthansa (in German): "Ground, what is our start clearance time?"
Ground (in English): "If you want an answer you must speak in English."
Lufthansa (in English): "I am a German, flying a German airplane, in Germany. Why must I speak English?"
Unknown voice from another plane (in a beautiful British accent): "Because you lost the bloody war!"

Tower: "Eastern 702, cleared for takeoff, contact Departure on frequency 124.7"
Eastern 702: "Tower, Eastern 702 switching to Departure. By the way, after we lifted off we saw some kind of dead animal on the far end of the runway."
Tower: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff behind Eastern 702, contact Departure on frequency 124..7. ! Did you copy that report from Eastern 702?"
BR Continental 635: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff, roger; and yes, we copied Eastern. we've already notified our caterers."

One day the pilot of a Cherokee 180 was told by the tower to hold short of the active runway while a DC-8 landed. The DC-8 landed, rolled out, turned around, and taxied back past the Cherokee.
Some quick-witted comedian in the DC-8 crew got on the radio and said, "What a cute little plane. Did you make it all by yourself?"
The Cherokee pilot, not about to let the insult go by, came back with a real zinger: "I made it out of DC-8 parts. Another landing like yours and I'll have enough parts for another one."

The German air controllers at Frankfurt Airport are renowned as a short-tempered lot. They not only expect one to know one's gate parking location, but how to get there without any assistance from them. So it was with some amusement that we (a Pan Am 747) listened to the following exchange between Frankfurt ground control and a British Airways 747, call sign Speedbird 206.
Speedbird 206: "Frankfurt, Speedbird 206 clear of active runway."
Ground: "Speedbird 206. Taxi to gate Alpha One-Seven."
The BA 747 pulled onto the main taxiway and slowed to a stop.
Ground: "Speedbird, do you not know where you are going?"
Speedbird 206: "Stand by, Ground, I'm looking up our gate location now."
Ground (with quite arrogant impatience): "Speedbird 206, have you not been to Frankfurt before?"
Speedbird 206 (coolly): "Yes, twice in 1944, but it was dark, -- and I didn't land."

While taxiing at London's Gatwick Airport, the crew of a US Air flight departing for Ft. Lauderdale made a wrong turn and came nose to nose with a United 727.
An irate female ground controller lashed out at the US Air crew, screaming: "US Air 2771, where the hell are you going? I told you to turn right onto Charlie taxiway! You turned right on Delta! Stop right there. I know it's difficult for you to tell the difference between C and D, but get it right!"
Continuing her rage to the embarrassed crew, she was now shouting hysterically: "God! Now you've screwed everything
up! It'll take forever to sort this out! You stay right there and don't move till I tell you to! You can expect progressive taxi instructions in about half an hour, and I want you to go exactly where I tell you, when I tell you, and how I tell you! You got that, US Air 2771?"
"Yes, ma'am," the humbled crew responded.
Naturally, the ground control communications frequency fell terribly silent after the verbal bashing of US Air 2771. Nobody wanted to chance engaging the irate ground controller in her current state of mind. Tension in every cockpit out around Gatwick was definitely running high.
Just then an unknown pilot broke the silence and keyed his microphone, asking: "Wasn't I married to you once?"

RUDE RIDDLES . . .

What do George Michael and Wellington Boots have in common?
They both get sucked off in bogs.

Did you hear about the dyslexic pimp?
He bought a warehouse.

Why can't Miss Piggy count to 70?
Because she gets a frog in her throat at 69.

What do Alexander the Great and Kermit the Frog have in common?
Their middle name.

THANK GOD FOR CHURCH LADIES WITH TYPEWRITERS . . .

Bertha Belch, a missionary from Africa, will be speaking tonight at Calvary Methodist. Come hear Bertha Belch all the way from Africa.

The Fasting & Prayer Conference includes meals.

The sermon this morning: "Jesus Walks on the Water". The sermon tonight: "Searching for Jesus"

Our youth basketball team is back in action against Christ the King Baptist this Wednesday at 8pm in the recreation hall. Come out and watch us kill Christ the King.

Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Don't forget your husbands.

The peacemaking meeting scheduled for today has been canceled due to a conflict.

Remember in prayer the many that are sick of our community. Smile at someone who is hard to love. Say "Hell" to someon who doesn't care much about you.

Don't let just worry kill you off -- let the Church help.

Miss Charlene Mason sang "I will not pass this way again," giving obvious pleasure to the congregaton.

For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.

Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all the help they can get.

Barbara remains in the hospital and needs blood donors for more transfusions. She is also having trouble sleeping and requests tapes of Pastor Jack's sermons.

The Rector will preach his farewell message after which the choir will sing: "Break Forth Into Joy."

Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.

A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall Music will follow.

At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be "What Is Hell?" Come early and listen to our choir practice.

Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.

Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.

Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person you want remembered.

The church will host an evening of fine dining, super entertainment and gracious hostility.

Potluck supper Sunday at 5:00pm - prayer and medication to follow.

The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.

This evening at 7pm there will be a hymn singing in the park across from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.

Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10am. All ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B. S. is done.

The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday.

Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7pm. Please use the back door.

The eighth graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the Church basement Friday at 7pm. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.

Weight Watchers will meet at 7pm at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance.

GOLFING TERMINOLOGY . . .

A "Paris Hilton" - an expensive hole

A "Dennis Wise" - a nasty 5 footer

A "Salman Rushdie" - an impossible read

A "Rock Hudson" - looked straight, but it wasn't

A "Cuban" - needed one more revolution

An "Elton John " - a big bender that lips the rim

An "Adolf Hitler" - two shots in the bunker

A Saddam Hussein - from one bunker straight into another

A "Yasser Arafat" - ugly and in the sand

A "Kate Winslett" - little bit fat but otherwise perfect

A "Gerry Adams" - playing a Provisional

A "Glen Miller" - didn't make it over the water

An "Arthur Scargill" - a great strike but a poor result

A "Russell Grant" - a fat iron

A "Rodney King" - over-clubbed

An "O.J. Simpson" - got away with it

A "Princess Grace" - should have taken a driver

A "Princess Di" - shouldn't have taken a driver

A "Robin Cook" - just died on the hill

A "Michael Jackson" - gradually fading

A "Douglas Bader" - looked good in the air, but didn't have the legs

A "Ken Livingstone" - quite far left

A "Jean-Marie LePen" - a long way right

A "ladyboy" - looks like an easy hole but all is not what it seems

A "condom" - safe but didn't feel real good

A "circus tent" - a BIG top

An "Anna Kournikova" - looks great, but unlikely to get a result

A "Vinnie Jones" - nasty kick when you're not expecting it

A "Sally Gunnell" - ugly, but a good runner

A "Liz McCoglan" - Ugly but runs forever

A "Brazilian" - Shaves both sides of the hole

PRIMARY SCHOOL KIDS WRITE ABOUT THEIR EXPERIENCES ON "THE SEA" . . .

This is a picture of an octopus. It has eight testicles. (Kelly age 6)

Whales are animals, not fish. If they don't get air they can drown, like my brother did last summer. (David age 7)

Oysters balls are called pearls. (James age 6)

I don't like the sea. It makes me sick on the ferry. (Peter age 6)

My goldfish died. Why? (Katie age 5)

If you are surrounded by sea you are an Island. If you don't have sea all round you, you are in continent. (Wayne age 7)

I think sharks are ugly and mean, and have big teeth, just like Emily Richardson. She's not my friend no more. (Kylie age 6)

A dolphin breaths through an arsehole on the top of its head. (Billy age 8)

My uncle goes out in his boat with pots and comes back with crabs. (Millie age 6)

When ships had sails, they used to use the trade winds to cross the ocean. Sometimes, when the wind didn't blow, the sailors would whistle to make the wind come. My brother said they would be better off eating beans. (William age 7)

I like mermaids. They are beautiful, and I like their shiny tails. How do mermaids get pregnant? (Helen age 6)

I'm not going to write about the sea. My baby brother is always screaming and being sick, my Dad keeps shouting at my Mum, and my big sister has just got pregnant, so I can't think what to write. (Amy age 6)

Some fish are dangerous. Jelly fish can sting. Electric eels can give you a shock. They have to live in caves under the sea where I think they have to plug themselves into chargers. (Christopher age 7)

My mum has fish nets, but doesn't catch any fish. (Laura age 5)

When you go swimming in the sea, it is very cold, and it makes my willy small. (Kevin age 6)

When me and Sarah went to the sea side in the summer holidays, we hid in the sand dunes and watched my big sister doing it with her boy friend. It was fun.(Lauren age 7)

A submarine goes under the water like a fish, but it has lots of seamen inside. (Emma age 5)

When I grow up, I want to be captain of a big ship, and have lots of sailors (Valerie age 6)

Divers have to be safe when they go under the water. Two divers can't go down alone, so they have to go down on each other. (Becky age 8)

On holiday my Mum went water skiing. She fell off when she was going very fast. She says she won't do it again because water shot up her fanny. (Julie age 7)

ONE LINERS . . .

Man says to wife 'I had a wet dream about you last night, I dreamt you got run over by a bus and I pissed myself laughing'.

A woman asked her hubby if he knew how she could make her bust bigger. He said 'try rubbing toilet paper between your tits, it's worked for your arse'.

My uncle just got struck off the medical register for having sex with his patients, it's a real shame cause he's a really good vet.

Woman walks past a pet shop with a sign reading 'Clitoris licking frog' She goes in and the shopkeeper say's 'Bonjour madame'.

Yesterday I read an article about the dangers of drinking too much, it scared the s**t out of me. So today I decided I'm never reading again.

Little girl gets lost in Tesco's, security guard asks her 'what's your mum like?' Little girl replies 'Big cocks and vodka'.

A couple in a cafe in Llangollen asks 'Can you settle an argument for us and pronounce where we are, VERY slowly?' The waitress leaned over and said ........ 'Burrr gurrr king'.

Boss has to lay off Ann or Jack. Ann walks into the office, boss say's 'I have a problem, I have to lay you or Jack off.....'You better jack off, I've got a headache'.

Larry la Prise who wrote the hokey cokey has died aged 93. The worst part was getting him into the coffin. They put his left leg in, then the trouble started.

Paul McCartney poem-: We lay upon the grassy bank, my hands were all a quiver, I slowly undid her suspender belt and her leg fell in the river.

Sorry I haven't been in touch, a friend was rushed to hospital to have a dangerous mole removed from his penis...... he won't be shagging one of those again!

It's important to keep fit as you get older, my granny started walking 5 kilometres a day when she was 60. Today she's 97 and we don't know where the hell she is!

Tampax have replaced the string on their tampons with a piece of tinsel.... They say it's only for the Christmas period.

A woman goes to her doctor with a bit of lettuce hanging out of her pussy. Doc say's 'that looks nasty'. She say's 'Nasty?, it's just the tip of the iceberg!

Two newly weds turn up at a hotel and ask for the honeymoon suite, the receptionist asks 'do you have reservations?' The bride answers 'Yes, I won't take it up the arse'!

BEFORE COMPUTERS . . .

Memory was something you lost with age

An application was for employment

A program was a TV show

A cursor used profanity

A keyboard was a piano

A web was a spider's home

A virus was the flu

A CD was a bank account

A hard drive was a long trip on the road

A mouse pad was where a mouse lived

A FEW THOUGHTS . . .

Life is sexually transmitted.

Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.

Men have two emotions: Hungry and Horny . . . If you see him without an erection, make him a sandwich.

Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day; . . . Teach a person to use the Internet and they won't bother you for weeks.

Some people are like a Slinky . . . not really good for anything . . . but you still can't help but smile when you shove them down the stairs.

Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday . . . lying in hospitals dying of nothing.

All of us could take a lesson from the weather . . . It pays no attention to criticism.

Why does a slight tax increase cost you two hundred dollars . . . and a substantial tax cut save you thirty cents?

In the 60s, people took acid to make the world weird . . . Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.

We know exactly where one cow with Mad-cow-disease is located among the millions and millions of cows but we haven't got a clue as to where thousands of Illegal immigrants and Terrorists are located . . . Maybe we should put the Department of Agriculture in charge of immigration.

EVENING CLASSES FOR MEN . . .

HOW TO FILL ICE CUBE TRAYS
Step by step guide with slide presentation

TOILET ROLLS- DO THEY GROW ON THE HOLDERS?
Roundtable discussion

DIFFERENCES BETWEEN LAUNDRY BASKET & FLOOR
Practicing with hamper (Pictures and graphics)

DISHES & SILVERWARE; DO THEY LEVITATE/FLY TO KITCHEN SINK OR DISHWASHER BY THEMSELVES?
Debate among a panel of experts.

REMOTE CONTROL
Losing the remote control - Help line and support groups

LEARNING HOW TO FIND THINGS
Starting with looking in the right place instead of turning the house upside down while screaming - Open forum

EMPTY MILK CARTONS; DO THEY BELONG IN THE FRIDGE OR THE BIN?
Group discussion and role play

HEALTH WATCH; BRINGING HER FLOWERS IS NOT HARMFUL TO YOUR HEALTH
PowerPoint presentation

REAL MEN ASK FOR DIRECTIONS WHEN LOST
Real life testimonial from the one man who did

IS IT GENETICALLY IMPOSSIBLE TO SIT QUIETLY AS SHE PARALLEL PARKS?
Driving simulation

LIVING WITH ADULTS; BASIC DIFFERENCES BETWEEN YOUR MOTHER AND YOUR PARTNER
Online class and role playing

HOW TO BE THE IDEAL SHOPPING COMPANION
Relaxation exercises, meditation and breathing techniques

REMEMBERING IMPORTANT DATES & CALLING WHEN YOU'RE GOING TO BE LATE
Bring your calendar or PDA to class

GETTING OVER IT; LEARNING HOW TO LIVE WITH BEING WRONG ALL THE TIME
Individual counselors available

HOW TO STAY YOUNG . . .

Throw out non-essential numbers. This includes age, weight and height. Let the doctors worry about them.

Keep only cheerful friends. The grouches pull you down.

Keep learning. Learn more about the computer, crafts, gardening, whatever. Never let the brain idle. "An idle mind is the devil's workshop." And the devil's name is Alzheimer's.

Enjoy the simple things.

Laugh often, long and loud. Laugh until you gasp for breath.

The tears happen. Endure, grieve, and move on. The only person who is with us our entire life, is ourselves. Be ALIVE while you are alive.

Surround yourself with what you love. Whether it's family, pets, keepsakes, music, plants, hobbies, whatever; your home is your refuge.

Cherish your health: If it is good, preserve it. If it is unstable, improve it. If it is beyond what you can improve, get help.

Don't take guilt trips. Take a trip to the shops, to the next county, even to a foreign country; but NOT to where the guilt is.

Tell the people you love that you love them -- at every opportunity.

RAMBLINGS FROM THE OLD BLOGGER . . .

On holiday a few years back, I took part in a quiz and managed to reach the final only to lose out after what I consider to this day, to be a correct answer. The question asked "What 'C' would you associate Jeremy Clarkson with?" to which I confidently replied. Not only was I told the answer was incorrect, but I was asked by the holiday rep to leave the premises immediately. Has anyone else experienced such appalling treatment whilst holidaying with one's family?

Did anyone else feel that Mel Gibson's remake of the classic Life of Brian wasn't anywhere near as funny as the original?

Alton Towers - Where the magic never ends', or so the commercial says. Imagine my disappointment when it closed at 7.30.

I recently bought a fridge freezer from Currys, and after I had paid for it, they asked me for my address to arrange delivery. I told them that I lived between Gateshead and Hexham, and if they rang me a week next Tuesday between 8am and 7pm, I might be able to give them a six hour slot when I would be able to take delivery. When they rang me, I told them that my house was out of stock and they should ring back on Saturday. The shoe's on the other foot now, isn't it, Currys?

Every time I use my local NatWest cashpoint, the screen says 'You have not been charged for this transaction'. Yet when I check my statement, I find without fail that I have had ten pounds debited for every tenner I withdraw. No wonder the banks are raking it in.

I was shocked to hear Home Secretary say that Britain's prison population has been ballooning for the past ten years. My God, has the world gone mad? Those people are there to be punished, not to be given 'thrill of a lifetime' experiences that most law abiding citizens can only dream of.

Peter Andre might look smug in all his wedding pictures, but I'd just like to remind him that, as a Playboy reader, I have seen his wife's m!nge. He hasn't seen my wife's, so who's had the last laugh?

How come rap artist Dr. Dre can use the 'n' word on his multi-million selling albums and win a MOBO award, yet when I used it at my son's football match I was asked to leave the park? Once again, it's one law for the rich and another for the poor.

Never mind ventriloquists like Keith Harris and Roger DeCourcey. What about Professor Stephen Hawking? I saw him on telly blathering on about galaxies for hours and I never saw his lips move once. Genius.

MORE THINGS YOU NEVER KNEW . . .

If you yelled for 8 years, 7 months and 6 days you would have produced enough sound energy to heat one cup of coffee. (Hardly seems worth it.)

If you farted consistently for 6 years and 9 months, enough gas is produced to create the energy of an atomic bomb. (Now that's more like it!)

The human heart creates enough pressure when it pumps out to the body to squirt blood 30 feet. (O.M.G.!)

A pig's orgasm lasts 30 minutes. (In my next life, I want to be a pig.)

A cockroach will live nine days without its head before it starves to death. (Creepy.)

(I'm still not over the pig.)

Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories a hour. (Don't try this at home, maybe at work)

The male praying mantis cannot copulate while its head is attached to its body. The female initiates sex by ripping the male's head off. ("Honey, I'm home. What the....?!")

The flea can jump 350 times its body length. It's like a human jumping the length of a football field. (30 minutes..lucky pig! Can you imagine?)

The catfish has over 27,000 taste buds. (What could be so tasty on the bottom of a pond?)

Some lions mate over 50 times a day. (I still want to be a pig in my next life...quality over quantity)

Butterflies taste with their feet. (Something I always wanted to know.)

The strongest muscle in the body is the tongue. (Hmmmmmm......)

Right-handed people live, on average, nine years longer than left-handed people. (If you're ambidextrous, do you split the difference?)

Elephants are the only animals that cannot jump. (okay, so that would be a good thing)

A cat's urine glows under a black light. (I wonder who was paid to figure that out?)

An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain. (I know some people like that.)

Starfish have no brains. (I know some people like that too.)

Polar bears are left-handed. (If they switch, they'll live a lot longer)

Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure. (What about that pig??)

HAYNES MANUAL TRANSLATIONS . . .

Haynes: Rotate anticlockwise
Translation: Clamp with molegrips then beat repeatedly with hammer anticlockwise. You do know which way is anticlockwise, don't you?

Haynes: Should remove easily
Translation: Will be corroded into place
clamp with adjustable spanner then beat repeatedly with a hammer.

Haynes: This is a snug fit
Translation: You will skin your knuckles!
Clamp with adjustable spanner then beat repeatedly with hammer.

Haynes: This is a tight fit
Translation: Not a hope in hell matey!
Clamp with adjustable spanner then beat repeatedly with hammer.

Haynes: As described in Chapter 7
Translation: That'll teach you not to read through before you start, now you are looking at scary photos of the inside of a gearbox.

Haynes: Pry
Translation: Hammer a screwdriver into...

Haynes: Undo
Translation: Go buy a tin of WD40 (industrial size).

Haynes: Ease
Translation: Apply superhuman strength to ...

Haynes: Retain tiny spring
Translation: "Crikey what was that, it nearly had my eye out!"

Haynes: Press and rotate to remove bulb
Translation: OK - that's the glass bit off, now fetch some good pliers to dig out the bayonet part and remaining glass shards.

Haynes: Lightly
Translation: Start off lightly and build up until the veins on your forehead are throbbing then re-check the manual because what you are doing now cannot be considered "lightly".

Haynes: Weekly checks
Translation: If it isn't broken don't fix it!

Haynes: Routine maintenance
Translation: If it isn't broken... it's about to be!

Haynes: One spanner rating (simple)
Translation: Your Mum could do this
so how did you manage to botch it up?

Haynes: Two spanner rating
Translation: Now you may think that you can do this because two is a low, tiny, ikkle number... but you also thought that the wiring diagram was a map of the Tokyo underground (in fact that would have been more use to you).

Haynes: Three spanner rating (intermediate)
Translation: Make sure you won't need your car for a couple of days and that your AA cover includes Home Start.

Haynes: Four spanner rating
Translation: You are seriously considering this aren't you, you pleb!

Haynes: Five spanner rating (expert)
Translation: OK - but don't expect us to ride it afterwards!!!
Translation #2: Don't ever carry your loved ones in it again and don't mention it to your insurance company.

Haynes: If not, you can fabricate your own special tool like this
Translation: Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!!

Haynes: Compress
Translation: Squeeze with all your might, jump up and down on, swear at, throw at the garage wall, then search for it in the dark corner of the garage whilst muttering "******" repeatedly under your breath.

Haynes: Inspect
Translation: Squint at really hard and pretend you know what you are looking at, then declare in a loud knowing voice to your wife "Yep, as I thought, it's going to need a new one"!

Haynes: Carefully
Translation: You are about to cut yourself!

Haynes: Retaining nut
Translation: Yes, that's it, that big spherical blob of rust.

Haynes: Get an assistant
Translation: Prepare to humiliate yourself in front of someone you know.

Haynes: Refitting is the reverse sequence to removal
Translation: But you swear in different places.

Haynes: Prise away plastic locating pegs
Translation: Snap off...

Haynes: Using a suitable drift or pin-punch
Translation: The biggest nail in your tool box isn't a suitable drift!

Haynes: Everyday toolkit
Translation: Ensure you have an RAC Card & Mobile Phone

Haynes: Apply moderate heat
Translation: Placing your mouth near it and huffing isn't moderate heat
Translation #2: Heat up until glowing red, if it still doesn't come undone use a hacksaw.

Haynes: Apply moderate heat
Translation: Unless you have a blast furnace, don't bother. Clamp with adjustable spanner then beat repeatedly with hammer.

Haynes: Index
Translation: List of all the things in the book bar the thing you want to do!

Haynes: Remove oil filter using an oil filter chain spanner or length of bicycle chain
Translation: Stick a screwdriver through it and beat handle repeatedly with a hammer.

Haynes: Replace old gasket with a new one
Translation: I know I've got a tube of Krazy Glue around here somewhere.

Haynes: Grease well before refitting
Translation: Spend an hour searching for your tub of grease before chancing upon a bottle of washing-up liquid. Wipe some congealed washing up liquid from the dispenser nozzle and use that since it's got a similar texture and will probably get you to Halfords to buy some Castrol grease.

Haynes: See illustration for details
Translation: None of the illustrations notes will match the picture exploded, numbered parts. The unit illustrated is from a previous or variant model."

IT'S GREAT BEING A MAN BECAUSE . . .

Your bum is never a factor in a job interview.

Your last name stays put.

The garage is all yours.

Wedding plans take care of themselves.

You never feel compelled to stop a friend from getting trapping off.

Car mechanics tell you the truth.

You don't care if someone notices your new haircut.

Hot wax never comes near your pubic area.

Wrinkles add character.

A few well placed one night stands gain credibility, not leave you tarnished.

You don't have to leave the room to make emergency crotch adjustments.

People never glance at your chest when you're talking to them.

The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected.

Your pals can be trusted never to trap you with "So, notice anything different?"

You can throw a ball more than 5 feet.

One mood, ALL the time.

You can open all your own jars.

Dry cleaners and hairdressers don't rob you blind.

You can go to a public toilet without a support group.

You can leave a hotel bed unmade.

You can kill your own food.

You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.

If someone forgets to invite you to something, he or she can still be your friend.

If you are 30 and single, nobody notices.

Everything on your face stays its original colour.

You can quietly enjoy a car ride from the passenger's seat.

Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.

You don't have to clean your house if the meter reader is coming.

You can sit in silence watching a football game with your mate for hours without ever thinking "He must be mad at me."

You can drop by to see a friend without having to bring a little gift.

If another guy shows up at the party in the same outfit, you just might become lifelong friends.

The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades.

You don't have to shave below your neck.

One wallet and one pair of shoes, one colour, all seasons.

You can "do" your nails with a pocket-knife.

You have freedom of choice concerning growing a moustache.

Christmas shopping can be accomplished for 25 relatives, on December 24th, in 45 minutes.

The world is your urinal.

GREAT UNANSWERED QUESTIONS . . .

Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things.

One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.

If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?

What if there were no hypothetical questions?

If a man is standing in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no woman around to hear him, is he still wrong?

Is there another word for synonym?

Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all"?

If a turtle doesn't have a shell is he homeless or naked?

Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?

How do they get the deer to cross at those road signs?

Is it true that cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste funny?

What was the best thing before sliced bread?

Does the little mermaid wear an alge-bra?

Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery.

How is it possible to have a civil war?

Whose cruel idea was it for the word "lisp" to have an "S" in it?

If you spin an oriental man in a circle three times, does he become disoriented?

If God dropped acid, would he see people?

If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest drown too?

If you ate pasta and antipasto, would you still be hungry?

If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?

Why are hemorrhoids called "hemorrhoids" instead of "arsteroids"?

Why is it called tourist season if we can't shoot at them?

Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?

If the "black box" flight recorder is never damaged during a plane crash, why isn't the whole damn airplane made out of that stuff?

Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?

If all those psychics know the winning lottery numbers, why are they all still working?

Should crematoriums give discounts for burn victims?

Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things.

Is atheism a non-prophet organization?

The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.

I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, "Where's the self-help section?" She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.

Could it be that all those trick-or-treaters wearing sheets aren't going as ghosts but as mattresses?

If a mute swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?

If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?

Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do "practice?"

What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?

If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?

Would a fly without wings be called a walk?

Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them?

Can vegans eat animal crackers?

If the police arrest a mime artist, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?

Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?

How do blind people know when they are done wiping?

One nice thing about egotists: they don't talk about other people.

STATEMENTS ABOUT THE BIBLE WRITTEN BY CHILDREN . . .

In the first book of the bible, Ginessis. God got tired of creating the world so he took the sabbath off.

Adam and Eve were created from an apple tree. Noah's wife was Joan of Ark. Noah built and ark and the animals came on in pears.

Lots wife was a pillar of salt during the day, but a ball of fire during the night.

The Jews were a proud people and throughout history they had trouble with unsympathetic genitals.

Sampson was a strongman who let himself be led astray by a Jezebel like Delilah.

Samson slayed the Philistines with the axe of the apostles.

Moses led the Jews to the Red Sea where they made unleavened bread which is bread without any ingredients.

The Egyptians were all drowned in the dessert. Afterwards, Moses went up to Mount Cyanide to get the ten commandments.

The first commandments was when Eve told Adam to eat the apple.

The seventh commandment is thou shalt not admit adultery.

Moses died before he ever reached Canada. Then Joshua led the Hebrews in the battle of Geritol.

The greatest miricle in the bible is when Joshua told his son to stand still and he obeyed him.

David was a Hebrew king who was skilled at playing the liar. He fought the Finkelsteins, a race of people who lived in biblical times.

Solomon, one of Davids sons, had 300 wives and 700 porcupines.

When Mary heard she was the mother of Jesus, she sang the Magna Carta.

When the three wise guys from the east side arrived they found Jesus in the manager.

Jesus was born because Mary had an immaculate contraption.

St. John the blacksmith dumped water on his head.

Jesus enunciated the golden rule, which says to do unto others before they do one to you. He also explained a man doth not live by sweat alone.

It was a miricle when Jesus rose from the dead and managed to get the tombstone off the entrance.

The people who followed the Lord were called the 12 decibels.

The epistels were the wives of the apostles.

One of the oppossums was St. Matthew who was also a taximan.

St. Paul cavorted to Christianity, he preached holy acrimony which is another name for marraige.

Christians have only one spouse. This is called monotony

MORE GENERAL MUSINGS . . .

I was thinking about how a status symbol of today is those cell phones that everyone has clipped onto their belt or purse. I can't see a use for one. So, I'm wearing my TV remote control.

You know, I spent a fortune on deodorant before I realised that people didn't like me anyway.

I was thinking that women should put pictures of missing husbands on beer cans!

I was thinking about old age and decided that old age is 'when you still have something on the ball, but you are just too tired to bounce it.'

I thought about making a fitness movie, for folks my age, and call it "Pumping Rust."

I have gotten that dreaded furniture disease. That's when your chest is falling into your drawers!

I know, when people see a cat's litter box, they always say, "Oh, have you got a cat?" Just once I want to say, "No, it's for visitors!"

Employment application forms always ask 'who is to be notified in case of an emergency.' I think you should write, "A Good Doctor, if you can find one!"

Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to do -- write to these men? Why don't they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so the mailmen could look for them while they deliver the mail? Or better yet, arrest them while they are taking their pictures!

I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older. Then, it dawned on me, they were cramming for their finals. As for me, I'm just hoping God grades on the curve.

SOME GREAT ONE-LINERS FROM THE EDINBURGH FESTIVAL . . .

I realised I was dyslexic when I went to a toga party dressed as a goat.
Marcus Brigstocke at the Assembly Rooms

Cats have nine lives. Which makes them ideal for experimentation.
Jimmy Carr

The right to bear arms is slightly less ludicrous than the right to arm bears.
Chris Addison at the Pleasance

My dad is Irish and my mum is Iranian, which meant that we spent most of our family holidays in Customs.
Patrick Monahan at the Gilded Balloon

The dodo died. Then Dodi died, Di died and Dando died ... Dido must be shitting herself.
Colin & Fergus at the Pleasance

My parents are from Glasgow which means they're incredibly hard, but I was never smacked as a child ... well maybe one or two grams to get me to sleep at night.
Susan Murray at the Underbelly

Is it fair to say that there'd be less litter in Britain if blind people were given pointed sticks?
Adam Bloom at the Pleasance

My mum and dad are Scottish but they moved down to Wolverhampton when I was two, cause they wanted me to sound like a tw*t.
Susan Murray at the Underbelly

You have to remember all the trivia that your girlfriend tells you, because eventually you get tested. She'll go: "What's my favourite flower?" And you murmur to yourself: "Sh1t, I wasn't listening ... was it Self-raising ?"
Addy Van-Der-Borgh at the Assembly Rooms

I saw that show, 50 Things To Do Before You Die. I would have thought the obvious one was "Shout For Help".
Mark Watson, Rhod Gilbert at the Tron

I went out with an Irish Catholic. Very frustrating. You can take the Girl out of Cork ...
Markus Birdman at the Pod Deco

Got a phone call today to do a gig at a fire station. Went along. Turned out it was a bloody hoax.
Adrian Poynton at the Pleasance

Employee of the month is a good example of how somebody can be both a winner and a loser at the same time.
Demetri Martin at the Assembly Rooms

A talking dog goes into a hardware store and says: "I'd like a job please". The hardware store owner says: "We don't hire dogs, why don't you go join the circus?" The dog replies: "What would the circus want with a plumber".
Steven Alan Green at C34

Hey - you want to feel really handsome? Go shopping at Asda.
Brendon Burns at the Pleasance

I like to go into the Body Shop and shout out really loud "I've already got one!"
Norman Lovett at The Stand

It's easy to distract fat people. It's a piece of cake.
Chris Addison at the Pleasance

I enjoy using the comedy technique of self-deprecation - but I'm not very good at it.
Arnold Brown at The Stand

If you're being chased by a police dog, try not to go through a tunnel, then on to a little seesaw, then jump through a hoop of fire. They're trained for that.
Milton Jones at the Underbelly.

LONG LIVE MALE CHAUVINISM . . .

How many men does it take to open a beer?
None. It should be opened when she brings it.

Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?
Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will probably never be able to support you.

Why do women have smaller feet than men?
It's one of those "evolutionary things" that allows them to stand closer to the kitchen sink.

How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart?
When she starts a sentence with "A man once told me..."

How do you fix a woman's watch?
You don't. There is a clock on the oven.

Why do men fart more than women?
Because women can't shut up long enough to build up the required pressure.

If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first?
The dog, of course. He'll shut up once you let him in.

What's worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig?
A woman who won't do what she's told.

I married a Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was Always.

Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex drive by 90%. It's called Wedding Cake.

Why do men die before their wives?
They want to.

Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.

RULES FOR LIFE . . .

Live with intention.

Walk to the edge.

Listen hard.

Practice wellness.

Play with abandon.

Laugh.

Choose with no regret.

Continue to learn.

Appreciate your friends.

Do what you love.

Live as if this is all there is.

COMPUTER HELP LINE . . .

Tech support: What kind of computer do you have?
Female customer: A white one...

Customer: Hi, this is Celine. I can't get my diskette out.
Tech support: Have you tried pushing the Button?
Customer: Yes, sure, it's really stuck.
Tech support: That doesn't sound good; I'll make a note.
Customer: No , wait a minute... I hadn't inserted it yet... it's still on my desk... Sorry....

Tech support: Click on the 'my computer' icon on to the left of the screen.
Customer: Your left or my left?

Tech support: Good day. How may I help you?
Male customer: Hello... I can't print.
Tech support: Would you click on "start" for me and...
Customer: Listen pal; don't start getting technical on me! I am not Bill Gates.

Customer: Hi, good afternoon, this is Martha, I can't print. Every time I try, it says 'Can't find printer'. I've even lifted the printer and placed it in front of the monitor, but the computer still says he can't find it...

Customer: I have problems printing in red...
Tech support: Do you have a color printer?
Customer: Aaaah....................thank you.

Tech support: What's on your monitor now, ma'am?
Customer: A teddy bear my boyfriend bought for me at the 7-11.

Customer: My keyboard is not working anymore.
Tech support: Are you sure it's plugged into the computer?
Customer: No. I can't get behind the computer.
Tech support: Pick up your keyboard and walk 10 paces back.
Customer:! OK
Tech support: Did the keyboard come with you?
Customer: Yes
Tech support: That means the keyboard is not plugged in. Is there another keyboard?
Customer: Yes, there's another one here. Ah...that one does work..

Tech support: Your password is the small letter "a" as in apple, a capital letter V as in Victor, the number 7.
Customer: Is that 7 in capital letters ?

Customer: can't get on the Internet.
Tech support: Are you sure you used the right password?
Customer: Yes, I'm sure. I saw my colleague do it.
Tech support: Can you tell me what the password was?
Customer: Five stars.

Tech support: What anti-virus program do you use?
Customer: Netscape.
Tech support: That's not an anti-virus program.
Customer: Oh, sorry...Internet Explorer.

Customer: I have a huge problem. A friend has placed a screen saver on my computer, but every time I move the mouse, it disappears.

Tech support: How may I help you?
Customer: I'm writing my first e-mail.
Tech support: OK, and what seems to be the problem?
Customer: Well, I have the letter 'a' in the address, but how do I get the circle around it?

A woman customer called the Canon help desk with a problem with her printer.
Tech support: Are you running it under windows?
Customer: "No, my desk is next to the door, but that is a good point. The man sitting in the cubicle next to me is under a window, and his printer is working fine."

And last but not least...

Tech support: "Okay Bob, let's press the control and escape keys at the same time. That brings up a task list in the middle of the screen. Now type the letter "P" to bring up the Program Manager."
Customer: I don't have a P.
Tech support: On your keyboard, Bob.
Customer: What do you mean?
Tech support: "P".....on your keyboard, Bob.
Customer: I'M NOT GOING TO DO THAT!

HEALTH QUESTION & ANSWER SESSION . . .

Q: I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life; is this true?
A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that's it... don't waste them on exercise. Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your heart will not make you live longer; that's like saying you can extend the life of your car by driving it faster. Want to live longer? Take a nap.

Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?
A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Hay and corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So a steak is nothing more than an efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable). And a pork chop can give you 100% of your recommended daily allowance of vegetable products.

Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?
A: No, not at all. Wine is made from fruit. Brandy is distilled wine, that means they take the water out of the fruity bit so you get even more of the goodness that way. Beer is also made out of grain. Bottoms up!

Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?
A: Well, if you have a body and you have fat, your ratio is one to one. If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc.

Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?
A: Can't think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No Pain...Good !

Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?
A: Foods are fried these days in vegetable oil. In fact, they're permeated in it. How could getting more vegetables be bad for you?

Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?
A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger. You should only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach.

Q: Is chocolate bad for me?
A: Are you crazy? Cocoa beans! Another vegetable!!! It's the best feel-good food around!

Q: Is swimming good for your figure?
A: If swimming is good for your figure, explain whales to me.

Q: Is getting in-shape important for my lifestyle?
A: Hey! 'Round' is a shape!

OBJECTS ARE EITHER MALE OR FEMALE . . .

FREEZER BAGS: They are male, Because they hold everything in, but you can see right through them.

PHOTOCOPIERS: These are female, Because once turned off it takes a while to warm them up again. They are an effective reproductive device if the right buttons are pushed. But can also wreak havoc if you push the wrong buttons.

TYRES: Tyres are male, Because they go bald easily and are often over-inflated.

HOT AIR BALLOONS: Also a male object, Because to get them to go anywhere, you have to light a fire under their arse. Then of course, there's the hot air factor.

SPONGES: These are female, Because they are soft, squeezable and retain water.

WEB PAGES: Female, Because they're constantly being looked at and frequently getting hit on.

TRAINS: Definitely male, Because they always use the same old lines for picking up people.

EGG TIMERS: Egg timers are female, Because over time, all the weight shifts to the bottom.

HAMMERS: Male, Because in the last 5000 years, they've hardly changed at all, and are occasionally handy to have around.

THE REMOTE CONTROL: Female. Ha! You probably thought it would be male. But consider this: It easily gives a man pleasure, He'd be lost without it, and while he doesn't always know which buttons to push, he just keeps trying.

A DOG IS BETTER THAN . . .

Top ten reasons why a dog is better than a woman

10. A dog's parents will never visit you.

9. A dog loves you when you leave your clothes on the floor.

8. A dog limits its time in the bathroom to a quick drink.

7. A dog never expects you to telephone.

6. A dog will not get mad at you if you forget its birthday.

5. A dog does not care about the previous dogs in your life.

4. A dog does not get mad at you if you pet another dog.

3. A dog never expects flowers on Valentine's Day.

2. The later you are, the happier a dog is to see you.

1. A dog does not shop.

Top eleven reasons why dogs are better than a man

1. Dogs do not have problems expressing affection in public.

2. Dogs miss you when you're gone.

3. Dogs feel guilty when when they've done something wrong.

4. Dogs admit when they're jealous.

5. Dogs are very direct about wanting to go out.

6. Dogs do not play games with you - except fetch (and they never laugh at how you throw.)

7. You can train a dog.

8. Dogs are easy to buy for.

9. The worst social disease you can get from a dog is fleas.

10. Dogs understand what "no" means.

11. Dogs mean it when they kiss you.

HOW BLONDE WAS SHE? . . .

She thought a quarterback was a refund.

She thought General Motors was in the army.

She thought Doggy Mix was a CD for dogs.

She thought Boyz II Men was a day care center.

At the bottom of an application where it says "Sign here:" she wrote "Sagittarius"

She took the ruler to bed to see how long she slept.

She sent a fax with a stamp on it.

Under "education" on her job application, she put "Hooked On Phonics."

She tripped over a cordless phone.

She spent 20 minutes looking at the orange juice can because it said "Concentrate"

She told me to meet her at the corner of "WALK" and "DON'T WALK"

She tried to put M&M's in alphabetical order.

She studied for a blood test.

She sold the car for gas money.

When she missed a number 44 bus she took bus number 22 twice instead.

When she went to the airport and saw a sign that said, "Airport Left" she turned around and went home.

When she heard that 90% of all crimes occur around the home, she moved.

She thought if she spoke her mind, she'd be speechless.

She thought that she could not use her AM radio in the evening.

She had a shirt that said "TGIF" which she thought stood for "This Goes In Front"

TWENTY THINGS YOU SHOULD ONLY SAY AT CHRISTMAS . . .

I prefer breasts to legs

Tying the legs together keeps the inside moist.

Smother the butter all over the breasts!

If I don't undo my trousers, I'll burst!

I've never seen a better spread!

I'm in the mood for a little dark meat.

Are you ready for seconds yet?

It's a little dry, do you still want to eat it?

Just wait your turn, you'll get some!

Don't play with your meat.

Stuff it up between the legs as far as it will go.

Do you think you'll be able to handle all these people at once?

I didn't expect everyone to come at the same time!

You still have a little bit on your chin.

How long will it take after you put it in?

You'll know it's ready when it pops up.

Just pull the end and wait for the bang.

That's the biggest bird I've ever had!

I'm so full, I've been gobbling nuts all morning.

Wow, I didn't think I could handle all that and still want more!

CLIPS FROM COUNCIL COMPLAINT LETTERS: . . .

My bush is really overgrown round the front and my back passage has fungus growing in it.

He's got this huge tool that vibrates the whole house and I just can't take it anymore.

It's the dog mess that I find hard to swallow.

I want some repairs done to my cooker as it has backfired and burnt my knob off.

I wish to complain that my father hurt his ankle very badly when he put his foot in the hole in his back passage.

And their 18 year old son is continually banging his balls against my fence.

I wish to report that tiles are missing from the outside toilet roof. I think it was bad wind the other night that blew them off.

My lavatory seat is cracked, where do I stand?

I am writing on behalf of my sink, which is coming away from the wall.

Will you please send someone to mend the garden path? My wife tripped and fell on it yesterday and now she is pregnant.

I request permission to remove my drawers in the kitchen.

50% of the walls are damp, 50% have crumbling plaster and 50% are plain filthy.

I am still having problems with smoke in my new drawers.

The toilet is blocked and we cannot bath the children until it is cleared.

Will you please send a man to look at my water, it is a funny colour and not fit to drink.

Our lavatory seat is broken in half and is now in three pieces.

I want to complain about the farmer across the road; every morning at 6am his cock wakes me up and its now getting too much for me.

The man next door has as large erection in the back garden, which is unsightly and dangerous.

Our kitchen floor is damp. We have two children and would like a third, so please send someone round to do something about it.

I am a single woman living in a downstairs flat and would you please do something about the noise made by the man on top of me every night.

Please send a man with the right tool to finish the job and satisfy my wife.

I have had the clerk of works down on the floor six times but I still have no satisfaction.

This is to let you know that our lavatory seat is broke and we still can't get BBC2

RADIO PHONE-INS: . . .

UNIVERSITY CHALLENGE (BBC2)
Jeremy Paxman: What is another name for "cherrypickers" and "cheesemongers"?
Contestant: Homosexuals.
Paxman: No. They're regiments in the British Army who will be very upset with you.

BEG, BORROW OR STEAL (BBC2)
Jamie Theakston: Where do you think Cambridge University is?
Contestant: Geography isn't my strong point
Theakston: There's a clue in the title.
Contestant: Leicester.

PHIL WOOD SHOW (BBC GMR)
Wood: What 'K' could be described as the Islamic Bible?
Contestant: Er
Wood: It's got two syllables
Kor
Contestant: Blimey?
Wood: Ha ha ha ha, no. The past participle of run
Contestant: (Silence.)
Wood: OK, try it another way. Today I run, yesterday I . . ?
Contestant: Walked?

BBC NORFOLK
Stewart White: Who had a worldwide hit with What A Wonderful World?
Contestant: I don't know.
White: I'll give you some clues. What do you call the part between your hand and your elbow?
Contestant: Arm.
White: Correct. And if you're not weak, you're . . ?
Contestant: Strong.
White: Correct - and what was Lord Mountbatten's first name?
Contestant: Louis.
White: Well, there we are then. So, who had a worldwide hit with the song What A Wonderful World?
Contestant: Frank Sinatra?

THE WEAKEST LINK (BBC2)
Anne Robinson: Oscar Wilde, Adolf Hitler and Jeffrey Archer have all written books about their experiences in what: Prison or the Conservative Party?
Contestant: The Conservative Party.

BEACON RADIO, Wolverhampton
DJ Mark: For £10, what is the nationality of the Pope?
Ruth from Rowley Regis: I think I know that one. Is it Jewish?

GWR FM, Bristol
Presenter: What happened in Dallas on November 22, 1963?
Contestant: I don't know, I wasn't watching it then.

RICHARD AND JUDY (C4))
Presenter: On which street did Sherlock Holmes live?
Contestant: Er
Presenter: He makes bread.
Contestant: Er . . .
Presenter: He makes cakes
Contestant: Kipling Street?

JAMES O'BRIEN SHOW (LBC)
O'Brien: How many kings of England have been called Henry?
Contestant: Well, I know there was a Henry the Eighth . . . er . . . Three?

DARYL DENHAM'S DRIVETIME (VIRGIN RADIO)
Denham: In which country would you spend shekels?
Contestant: Holland?
Denham: Try the next letter of the alphabet.
Contestant: Iceland? Ireland?
Denham (helpfully): It's a bad line. Did you say Israel?
Contestant: No.

STEVE WRIGHT IN THE AFTERNOON (RADIO 2)
Wright: Johnny Weissmuller died on this day. Which jungle-swinging character clad only in a loincloth did he play?
Contestant: Jesus

BIG QUIZ (LBC)
Gary King: Name the funny men who once entertained kings and queens at court.
Contestant: Lepers.

DOUBLE-ENTENDRES ON BRITISH & US RADIO & TV: . . .

Pat Glenn, weightlifting commentator
"And this is Gregoriava from Bulgaria. I saw her snatch this morning and it was amazing!"

New Zealand Rugby Commentator
"Andrew Mehrtens loves it when Daryl Gibson comes inside of him.'

Ted Walsh, Horse Racing Commentator
"This is really a lovely horse. I once rode her mother."

Harry Carpenter at the Oxford-Cambridge boat race 1977
"Ah, isn't that nice. The wife of the Cambridge President is kissing the Cox of the Oxford crew."

USPGA Commentator
"One of the reasons Arnie (Arnold Palmer) is playing so well is that, before each tee shot, his wife takes out his balls and kisses them ..... Oh my god!! What have I just said??"

Carenza Lewis about finding food in the Middle Ages on 'Time Team Live'
"You'd eat beaver if you could get it."

A female news anchor who, the day after it was supposed to have snowed and didn't, turned to the weatherman and asked
"So Bob, where's that eight inches you promised me last night?" Not only did HE have to leave the set, but half the crew did too, because they were laughing so hard!

Steve Ryder covering the US Masters
"Ballesteros felt much better today after a 69 yesterday."

Clair Frisby talking about a jumbo hot dog on Look North said
"There's nothing like a big hot sausage inside you on a cold night like this."

Mike Hallett discussing missed snooker shots on Sky Sports
"Stephen Hendry jumps on Steve Davis's misses every chance he gets.

Michael Buerk on watching Phillipa Forrester cuddle up to a male astronomer for warmth during BBC1's UK eclipse coverage remarked
"They seem cold out there, they're rubbing each other and he's only come in his shorts."

Ken Brown commentating on golfer Nick Faldo and his caddie Fanny Sunneson lining-up shots at the Scottish Open
"Some weeks Nick likes to use Fanny, other weeks he prefers to do it by himself."

TOMMY COOPER CLASSICS: . . .

Two Aerials meet on a roof - fall in love - get married.
The ceremony was rubbish but the Reception was Brilliant.

"Doctor, I can't pronounce my F's, T's and H's."
"Well you can't say fairer than that then.

I went to the dentist. He said "Say Aaah."
I said "Why?"
He said "My dog's died."

I got home, and the phone was ringing. I picked it up, and said "Who's speaking please?"
And a voice said "You are."

I rang up my local swimming baths. I said "Is that the local swimming baths?"
He said "It depends where you're calling from."

I rang up a local building firm, I said "I want a skip outside my house."
He said "I'm not stopping you."

Two cannibals eating a clown. One says to the other "Does this taste funny to you?"

A man walked into the doctors. The doctor said "I haven't seen you in a long time."
The man replied "I know, I've been ill."

I had a ploughman's lunch the other day.
He wasn't very happy.

I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.

Phone answering machine message ...
"...If you want to buy marijuana ... press the hash key."

INSTRUCTIONS ON CONSUMER GOODS: . . .

On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom) -- "Do not turn upside down."

On Sainsbury's peanuts -- "Warning: contains nuts."

On Boot's Children Cough Medicine -- "Do not drive a car or operate machinery after taking this medication."

On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding -- "Product will be hot after heating."

On a Sears hairdryer -- "Do not use while sleeping."

On a bag of Fritos -- "You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside."

On a bar of Dial soap -- "Directions: Use like regular soap."

On some Swanson frozen dinners -- "Serving suggestion: Defrost."

On packaging for a Rowenta iron -- "Do not iron clothes on body."

On Nytol Sleep Aid -- "Warning: May cause drowsiness."

On brands of Christmas lights -- "For indoor or outdoor use only."

On a Japanese food processor -- "Not to be used for the other use."

On an American Airlines packet of nuts -- "Instructions: Open packet, eat nuts."

On a child's Superman costume -- "Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly."

On a Swedish chainsaw -- "Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands or genitals."

ANAGRAMS: . . .

DORMITORY:
When you rearrange the letters:
DIRTY ROOM

PRESBYTERIAN:
When you rearrange the letters:
BEST IN PRAYER

ASTRONOMER:
When you rearrange the letters:
MOON STARER

DESPERATION:
When you rearrange the letters:
A ROPE ENDS IT

THE EYES:
When you rearrange the letters:
THEY SEE

GEORGE BUSH:
When you rearrange the letters:
HE BUGS GORE

THE MORSE CODE:
When you rearrange the letters:
HERE COME DOTS

SLOT MACHINES:
When you rearrange the letters:
CASH LOST IN ME

ELECTION RESULTS:
When you rearrange the letters:
LIES - LET'S RECOUNT

MOTHER-IN-LAW:
When you rearrange the letters:
WOMAN HITLER

SNOOZE ALARMS:
When you rearrange the letters:
ALAS! NO MORE Z'S

A DECIMAL POINT:
When you rearrange the letters:
I'M A DOT IN PLACE

THE EARTHQUAKES:
When you rearrange the letters:
THAT QUEER SHAKE

BEN CROSSLEY:
When you rearrange the letters:
CONS SLY BEER

ELEVEN PLUS TWO:
When you rearrange the letters:
TWELVE PLUS ONE

RANDOMS . . .

Five out of four people don't understand fractions.

A wolf in sheeps clothing needs professional help.

Birthdays are good for you. Statistics show that the people who have the most live the longest.

Customer: Waiter, this coffee tastes like mud!
Waiter: It should, sir, it was ground this morning.

Energizer Bunny arrested - charged with battery.

Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?

Einstein said that talking to yourself is a sign of intelligence. Answering yourself, however, is a sign of insanity.

For people who like peace and quiet - a phoneless cord.

I keep trying to lose weight but it always finds me.

I'm gonna survive or die trying.

Laughing stock - cattle with a sense of humour.

Save a tree, eat a beaver.

Nobody likes me, so I always have one friend.

One day, we will look back on this, laugh nervously, and change the subject.

When people run around and around in circles we say they are crazy - When planets do it we say they are orbiting.

If at first you don't succeed skydiving isn't for you.

You can listen to thunder after lightening and tell how close you came to getting hit. If you don't hear it, you got hit, so never mind.

You can't have everything... where would you put it?

"The game of catch has never been so fun!" - inventor of the hand grenade.

Stupid statistics cost American companies 30 zillion dollars each year.

An idiot is a 44th floor window cleaner who steps back to admire his work.

Whoever said nothing's impossible never tried to slam a revolving door.

If one synchronized swimmer drowns, does that mean they all have to?

On the other hand, you have different fingers.

Who laughs last, thinks the slowest.

Who laughs last didn't get the job.

First law of science: don't spit into the wind.

If corn oil comes from corn, where does baby oil come from?

If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?

I have great faith in fools; self-confidence my friends call it.

There are three types of economists. Those who can count, and those who can't.

Sure, there's no "I" in team, but there is an "M" and an "E".

Why do our noses run and our feet smell?

If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?

GOOD ADVICE . . .

Growing old is mandatory; growing up is optional.

Forget the health food. I need all the preservatives I can get.

When you fall down, you wonder what else you can do while you're down there.

You're getting old when you get the same sensation from a rocking chair that you once got from a roller coaster.

It's frustrating when you know all the answers, but nobody bothers to ask you the questions.

Time may be a great healer, but it's a lousy beautician.

Wisdom comes with age, but sometimes age comes alone.

Old is when your sweetie says, "Let's go upstairs and make love," and you answer, "Pick one, I can't do both!"

Old is when your friends compliment you on your new alligator shoes and you're barefoot.

Old is when a sexy babe catches your eye and your pacemaker opens the garage door.

Old is when going bra-less pulls all the wrinkles out of your face.

Old is when you don't care where your spouse goes, just as long as you don't have to go along.

Old is when you are cautioned to slow down by the doctor instead of by the police.

Old is when "getting a little action" means I don't need to take any fibre today.

Old is when "getting lucky" means you can find your car in the parking lot.

Old is when an "all-nighter" means not getting up to pee.

Don't suffer from insanity . . . Enjoy every minute of it.

I used to have a handle on life . . . but it broke.

Don't take life too seriously . . . you won't get out alive.

You're just jealous because the voices only talk to me.

Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.

Earth is the insane asylum for the universe.

To all you virgins . . . thanks for nothing.

I'm not a complete idiot . . . some parts are missing.

Out of my mind. . . Back in five minutes.

God must love stupid people . . . he made so many.

The gene pool could use a little chlorine.

I took an IQ test . . . the results were negative.

Consciousness: that annoying time between naps.

Ever stop to think . . . and forget to start again?

Wrinkled was not one of the things I wanted to be when I grew up.

Police station toilet stolen. . . Cops have nothing to go on.

Heck is where people go who don't believe in gosh.

The meek shall inherit the earth, after we're through with it.

Ham and eggs - a day's work for a chicken . . . a lifetime commitment for a pig.

The trouble with life is there's no background music.

The original point and click interface was a Smith & Wesson.

My wild oats have turned to shredded wheat.

The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken throttle cable and a flat tyre.

The darkest hour is just before dawn. . . So if you're going to steal your neighbour's milk, that's the time to do it.

Sex is like air. It's not important unless you aren't getting any.

Don't be irreplaceable. . . If you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.

No one is listening until you fart.

Always remember you're unique . . . just like everyone else.

Never test the depth of the water with both feet.

If you think nobody cares whether you're alive or dead, try missing a couple of mortgage payments.

Before you criticise someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes . . . That way, when you criticise them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.

If at first you don't succeed . . . skydiving is not for you.

Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day . . . Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.

If you lend someone £20 and never see that person again . . . it was probably worth it.

If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.

Some days you are the bug; . . . some days you are the windscreen.

Don't worry; it only seems kinky the first time.

A closed mouth gathers no foot.

Duct tape is like the Force. . . It has a light side and a dark side and it holds the universe together.

Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your lips are moving.

Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

We are born naked, wet and hungry, and get slapped on our bottom . . . then things get worse!

Do not walk behind me for I may not lead. . . Do not walk ahead of me for I may not follow. . . Do not walk beside me for the path is narrow. . . In fact just sod off and leave me alone.

MURPHY'S LAWS ON WORK . . .

A pat on the back is only a few centimeters from a kick in the pants.

Don't be irreplaceable; if you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.

The more crap you put up with, the more crap you are going to get.

You can go anywhere you want if you look serious and carry a clipboard.

Eat one live toad the first thing in the morning and nothing worse will happen to you the rest of the day.

Never ask two questions in a business letter. The reply will discuss the one you are least interested in and say nothing about the other.

When the bosses talk about improving productivity, they are never talking about themselves.

If at first you don't succeed, try again. Then quit. No use being a damn fool about it.

There will always be beer cans rolling on the floor of your car when the boss asks for a ride home from the office.

Mother said there would be days like this, but she never said there would be so many.

Keep your boss's boss off your boss's back. This is what I'm doing wrong.

Everything can be filed under "miscellaneous."

Never delay the ending of a meeting or the beginning of a cocktail hour.

To err is human, to forgive is not company policy.

Anyone can do any amount of work provided it isn't the work he is supposed to be doing.

Important letters that contain no errors will develop errors in the mail.

The last person that quit or was fired will be the one held responsible for everything that goes wrong - until the next person quits or is fired.

There is never enough time to do it right the first time, but there is always enough time to do it over.

The more pretentious a corporate name, the smaller the organization. (For instance, The Murphy Center for Codification of Human and Organizational Law, contrasted to IBM, GM, AT&T ...).

If you are good, you will be assigned all the work. If you are really good, you will get out of it.

You are always doing something marginal when the boss drops by your desk.

People are always available for work in the past tense.

If it wasn't for the last minute, nothing would get done.

At work, the authority of a person is inversely proportional to the number of pens that person is carrying.

When you don't know what to do, walk fast and look worried.

You will always get the greatest recognition for the job you least like.

No one gets sick on Wednesdays.

When confronted by a difficult problem you can solve it more easily by reducing it to the question, "How would the Lone Ranger handle this?"

The longer the title, the less important the job.

Machines that have broken down will work perfectly when the repairman arrives.

An "acceptable" level of employment means that the government economist to whom it is acceptable still has a job.

Once a job is fouled up, anything done to improve it makes it worse.

All vacations and holidays create problems, except for one's own.

Success is just a matter of luck, just ask any failure.

MORE JOKES . . .

I had a mate who was suicidal.He was really depressed, so I pushed him in front of a steam train. He was chuffed to bits.

When I got divorced, my wife said she would fight for custody of the kids. I took her out with one punch.

My grandad gave me some sound advice on his deathbed. "It's worth spending money on good speakers" he told me.

A woman brings eight-year-old Johnny home and tells his mother that he was caught playing doctors and nurses with Mary, her eight-year-old daughter.Johnny's mother says, "Let's not be too harsh on them.... they are bound to be curious about sex at that age.""Curious about sex?" replies Mary's mother. "He's taken her appendix out!"

A family are driving behind a garbage truck when a dildo flies out and thumps against the windscreen. Embarrassed, and to spare her young son's innocence, the mother turns around and says, "Don't worry; that was an insect. "To which, her son replies, "I'm surprised it could get off the ground with a cock like that."

I was walking in a cemetery this morning and seen a bloke hiding behind a gravestone. I said "morning."He replied, "No, just having a dump."

Disabled toilets. Ironically, the only toilets big enough to run around in!

I met a 14 year old girl on the internet. She was clever, funny, flirty and sexy, so I suggested we meet up. She turned out to be an undercover detective. How cool is that at her age?

I was reading in the paper today about this dwarf that got pickpocketed. How could anyone stoop so low.

I just saw that Harry Potter film. A bit unrealistic if you ask me. I mean, a ginger kid, with two friends?

I went to see the nurse this morning for my annual check-up.She said I had to stop w@nking. When I asked why she said, "Because I'm trying to examine you!"

I was walking down the road when I saw an Afghan bloke standing on a fifth floor balcony shaking a carpet. I shouted up to him, "What's up Abdul, won't it start?"

SHORT JOKES . . .

Single women don't fart . . . Because they don't have arseholes until they get married?

Did you hear about the new "morning after" pill for men? . . . It changes their blood type.

How is an ex-husband like an inflamed appendix? . . . It caused you a lot of pain, and after it was removed you found out you didn't need it anyway.

What do men and pantyhose have in common? . . . They either cling, run or don't fit right in the crotch!

How does a man keep his youth? . . . By giving her money, furs and diamonds.

What's the most common cause of hearing loss amongst men? . . . Wife saying she wants to talk to him.

Where do you have to go to find a man who is truly into commitment? . . . A mental hospital.

Why do men become smarter during sex? . . . . Because they are plugged into a genius

Why don't women blink during sex? . . . . They don't have enough time

Why does it take 1 million sperm to fertilize one egg? . . . . They don't stop to ask directions

Why do men snore when they lie on their backs? . . . . Because their balls fall over their butt-hole and they vapor lock

Why were men given larger brains than dogs? . . . . So they won't hump women's legs at cocktails parties

Why did god make men before women? . . . . You need a rough draft before you make a final copy

How many men does it take to put a toilet seat down? . . . . Don't know ... it never happened

Why did god put men on earth? . . . . Because a vibrator can't mow the lawn

THE HUMAN BODY . . .

It takes your food seven seconds to get from your mouth to your stomach.

One human hair can support 3 kg (6.6 lb).

The average man's penis is three times the length of his thumb.

Human thighbones are stronger than concrete.

A woman's heart beats faster than a man's.

There are about one trillion bacteria on each of your feet.

Women blink twice as often as men.

The average person's skin weighs twice as much as the brain.

Your body uses 300 muscles to balance itself when you are standing still.

If saliva cannot dissolve something, you cannot taste it.

Women reading this will be finished now.

Men are still busy checking their thumbs.

REMEMBER WHEN . . .

All the girls had ugly gym slips.

It took five minutes for the TV to warm up.

Mum was at home when the kids got home from school.

Nobody owned a thoroughbred dog.

3d was a decent allowance.

You'd reach into a muddy gutter for a penny.

Your Mother wore nylons that came in two pieces.

Your male teachers wore ties and female teachers had their hair done every day and wore high heels.

Teachers used blackboards and slippers!

When being sent to the head was nothing compared to the fate that awaited the student at home.

You got your windscreen cleaned, oil checked, and petrol served, without asking, all for free, every time And you didn't pay for air And, you got trading stamps to boot.

Washing Powder had free glasses, dishes or towels hidden inside the box.

It was considered a great privilege to be taken out to dinner at a real restaurant with your parents.

A Ford Zephyr was everyone's dream car.

Young couples went steady.

No-one ever asked where the car keys were because they were in the car, in the ignition, and the doors were unlocked.

Lying on your back in the grass with your friends and saying things like, "That cloud looks like a... "

Playing cricket with no adults to help the children with the rules of the game.

Bottles came from the corner shop without safety caps and hermetic seals because no one (except Crippin) poisoned a perfect stranger.

AND THAT'S WHEN THE FIGHT STARTED . . .

One year, a husband decided to buy his mother-in-law a cemetery plot as a Christmas gift. The next year, he didn't buy her a gift. When she asked him why, he replied, "Well, you still haven't used the gift I bought you last year!"

My wife walked into the den & asked "What's on the TV?" I replied "Dust".

A woman is standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror. She is not happy with what she sees and says to her husband, "I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment." The husband replies, "Your eyesight's damn near perfect."

My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary. She said, "I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 200 in about 3 seconds." I bought her bathroom scales.

I asked my wife, "Where do you want to go for our anniversary?" It warmed my heart to see her face melt in sweet appreciation. "Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!" she said. So I suggested, "How about the kitchen?"

My wife and I are watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed. I turned to her and said, "Do you want to have sex?" "No" she answered. I then said, "Is that your final answer?" She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying "Yes." So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."

When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take her someplace expensive. So, I took her to a gas station.

I tried to talk my wife into buying a case of Miller Light for £14.95. Instead, she bought a jar of cold cream for £7.95. I told her the beer would make her look better at night than the cold cream.

My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table. My wife asked, "Do you know her?" "Yes," I sighed, "She's my old girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago and I hear she hasn't been sober since." "My God!" says my wife. "Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?"

I rear-ended a car this morning. So, there we were alongside the road and slowly the other driver got out of his car. You know how sometimes you just get soooo stressed and little things just seem funny? He was a DWARF! He stormed over to my car, looked up at me, and shouted, "I AM NOT HAPPY!" So, I looked down at him and said, "Well, then which one are you?"

I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took my order first. "I'll have the strip steak, medium rare, please." He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?" "Nah, she can order for herself."

WORDS OF WISDOM . . .

I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn't work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.

Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.

I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather. Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.

The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it's still on the list.

Sex is not the answer. Sex is the question. "Yes" is the answer.

Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake a whole relationship.

We live in a society where pizza gets to your house before the police.

We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.

Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.

If I agreed with you we'd both be wrong.

War does not determine who is right - only who is left.

Men have two emotions: Hungry and Horny. If you see him without an erection, make him a sandwich.

The early bird might get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

Politicians and diapers have one thing in common. They should both be changed regularly, and for the same reason.

Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.

Children: You spend the first 2 years of their life teaching them to walk and talk. Then you spend the next 16 years telling them to sit down and shut-up.

My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch.

Evening news is where they begin with "Good evening", and then proceed to tell you why it isn't.

If sex is a pain in the arse, then you're doing it wrong.

A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk, I have a work station.

Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.

THE ECONOMY IS SO BAD THAT . . .

I got a pre-declined credit card in the mail.

I ordered a burger at McDonald's and the kid behind the counter asked, "Can you afford fries with that?"

CEO's are now playing miniature golf.

If the bank returns your check marked "Insufficient Funds," you call them and ask if they meant you or them.

Hot Wheels and Matchbox stocks are trading higher than GM.

McDonald's is selling the Quarter Ouncer.

Parents in Beverly Hills fired their nannies and learned their children's names.

A truckload of Americans was caught sneaking into Mexico.

The Mafia is laying off judges.

Exxon-Mobil laid off 25 Congressmen.

Congress says they are looking into this Bernard Madoff scandal. Oh Great!! The guy who made $50 Billion disappear is being investigated by the people who made $1.5 Trillion disappear!

QUICKFIRES . . .

A history teacher asks a class full of kids "What was Churchill famous for?" A kid at the back shouts out "He was the last white man to be called Winston!"

Did you hear about the look-a-like competition in China? Everybody won.

What's the ideal weight for a mother-in-law? About 2.3 pounds including the urn.

Was so depressed last night that I rang the Samaritans. Got through to a call centre in Pakistan. Told them I was suicidal, they got all excited and asked if I could fly a plane......

A black man takes a girl home from a nightclub. She says "Show me it's true what they say about black men" . . . So he stabbed her and nicked her purse.

I parked in a disabled space today and a traffic warden shouted to me "Oi, what's your disability?" I said "Tourettes! Now f**k off!"

What's the difference between Harold Shipman and the Home Secretary? Shipman actually did something about NHS waiting lists.

A bride on her wedding night says to her husband "I must confess darling, I was a hooker!". He says "That's all right, dear. Your past is your past, but I must admit that I find it quite erotic. Tell me about it." She replies "Well, my name was Nigel, and I played for Wigan!"

Father Duffy walks into the convent and sees Sister Rose washing the kitchen floor. He's overcome with desire and pushes her onto the ground. As he's shagging her the Rev Mother comes in. "SISTER ROSE!" she roars "Have some respect. Arch your back girl and keep Father Duffy's balls off the wet floor!"

Tampax are changing their design they are replacing the string with a piece of tinsel .... This is for the Christmas period only!

A man says to his wife "Tell me something that will make me happy and sad at the same time". His wife replies "You've got a bigger knob than your brother"

CORRECT OFFICE EXPRESSIONS . . .

Try Saying: ""I think we could do with more training"" Instead Of: ""You don't have a clue, do you?"

Try Saying: ""She's an aggressive go-getter."" Instead Of: ""She's a power-crazy b*tch."

Try Saying: ""Perhaps I can work late"" Instead Of: ""And when do you expect me to do this?"

Try Saying: ""I'm certain that isn't feasible"" Instead Of: ""F*** off a*se- hole."

Try Saying: ""Really?"" Instead Of: ""Well f*** me backwards with a telegraph pole."

Try Saying: ""Perhaps you should check with..."" Instead Of: ""Tell someone who gives a damn."

Try Saying: ""I wasn't involved in the project."" Instead Of: ""Not my problem."

Try Saying: ""That's interesting."" Instead Of: ""What the ...?"

Try Saying: ""I'm not sure this can be implemented within the given timescale."" Instead Of: ""No chance mate."

Try Saying: ""It will be tight, but I'll try to schedule it in"" Instead Of: ""Why didn't you tell me that yesterday?"

Try Saying: ""He's not familiar with the issues"" Instead Of: ""He's got his head up his a*se."

Try Saying: ""Excuse me, sir?"" Instead Of: ""Oi, dog face."

Try Saying: ""Of course, I was only going to be at home anyway"" Instead Of: ""Yeah, who needs holidays anyway."

Try Saying: ""I don't think it was supposed to turn out like that"" Instead Of: ""I see the f**k up fairy has visited again then."

Try Saying: ""Sorry - I didn't quite catch that"" Instead Of: ""What are you wittering on about this time?"

Try Saying "Do you really think so?"" Instead Of: ""No sh*t Sherlock"

Try Saying: ""Do you think that's appropriate work wear for the office?" "Instead Of Have you seen the state of that?"

Try Saying: ""There is a cleaner required in the lavatories"" Instead Of: ""I'd give that a while."

Try Saying: ""He's / she's quite attractive"" Instead Of: ""I'd do it."

Try Saying: ""He does have a tendency to procrastinate"" Instead Of: ""He's so boring, I am losing the will to live."

Try Saying: ""It's so nice to be in a busy office environment"" Instead Of: ""Why don't you all just shut up."

AMERICAN GEOGRAPHY QUESTIONS . . .

Q. What's the Cuban National Anthem? . . . . A. Row, Row, Row Your Boat.

Q. Where does an Irish family go on vacation? . . . . A. A different bar.

Q. What did the Chinese couple name their tan, curly-haired baby? . . . . A. Sum Ting Wong.

Q. What do you call it when an Italian has one arm shorter than the other? . . . . A. A speech impediment.

Q. Why aren't there any Puerto Ricans on Star Trek? . . . . A. Because they're not going to work in the future either.

Q. Why do Driver Ed classes in redneck schools use the car only on Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays? . . . . A. Because on Tuesday and Thursday, the Sex Ed class uses it.

Q. What's the difference between a southern zoo and a northern zoo? . . . . A. The southern zoo has a description of the animal along with a recipe.

Q. How do you get a sweet little 80-year-old lady to say the 'F' word? . . . . A. Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell, 'BINGO!'

Q. What's the difference between a northern fairytale and a southern fairytale? . . . . A. A northern fairytale begins, ....'Once upon a time...' A southern fairytale begins, ... 'Y'all ain't gonna believe this shit.'

Q. Why doesn't Mexico have an Olympic team? . . . . A. Because all the Mexicans who can run, jump or swim are already in the United States

NON PC . . .

The rescue workers at the Pakistan flood area say that the smell of bodies is unbearable. They expect it to get worse when they start finding the dead ones.

A charity single has been released in aid of the Pakistan Flood Relief. It's called, "Raindrops Keep Falling On Ahmed."

There were no survivors from that recent Pakistani Airlines plane that crashed, killing all 152 people on board. Both families are devastated.

Paddy got arrested in B & Q today for punching an African woman at the till. He claims it wasn't his fault as his father had told him to go in and get a Black and Decker.

Experts are worried about President Obama's mental state after he pledged millions of dollars of aid to Northern Ireland, following the tragedy of Hurricane Higgins.

A lesbian went for a smear test and the doctor told her, "That's the cleanest vagina I've seen!" The lesbian replied, "Yes, I have a woman in twice a week!"

Paddy and his wife were discussing their sex life. Paddy said, "I want to try that wheelbarrow position tonight."
His wife asked, "What is that?"
Paddy told her, "You bend over, put your hands on the floor then I pick your legs up and take you from behind!"
His wife said, "Hmm, okay, I'll do it on two conditions. First, if it hurts you stop immediately and, second, ... we don't go down past my mother's house!"

My teenage son told me that he had sex with the neighbour's daughter last night for the first time. "Well done, son," I said, "I hope you used something though?"
He replied, "Yeah, a balaclava!"

I went to the doctor while I was on holiday in Bangkok recently, to get my testicles checked out.
While the doc was cupping my dangly bits, she said, "Don't worry, it's normal to get an erection during this kind of examination."
I said, "I haven't got an erection!"
She replied, "No, but I have!"

Ramadan is here again. The one time of the year when Muslims cannot eat or drink within the hours of daylight, they just starve. Never has the term, "Not enough hours in the day" been more appropriate!

A little Pakistani girl goes to her mother and says, "Mummy, I don't want to be a lesbian when I grow up!"
Her mother says, "What makes you think you'll be a lesbian, Minjeeta?"

A bloke was sitting on a bus when a gorgeous woman next to him starts breastfeeding her baby. The baby won't take it so she says, "Come on, eat it all up or I'll give it to this nice man here." Ten minutes later, the baby is still not feeding so she says again, "Eat it all up or I'll give it to this nice man here."
The bloke says, "Listen, love, can you make your bloody mind up, I should've got off four stops ago!"

French foreplay: Dinner, wine, sex!
Italian foreplay: Dinner, wine, caressing, sex!
Latino foreplay: Dinner, wine, dancing, caressing, sex!
Scottish foreplay: "Haw, ye awake?"

I fostered a Muslim child yesterday..... all four cans hit him on the head!

The guy who owned the Odeon cinema group has died. His funeral is next Friday at 2.10, 4.20 and 8.40.

I got banned from a Muslim clothes shop today. I only asked for a bomber jacket. Touchy basta* ds!

Why do Cadbury's make white chocolate buttons?
So that black kids can have messy faces as well!

KULULA AIRLINES . . .

On a Kulula flight, (there is no assigned seating, you just sit where you want) passengers were apparently having a hard time choosing, when a flight attendant announced, "People, people we're not picking out furniture here, find a seat and get in it!"

On another flight with a very "senior" flight attendant crew, the pilot said, "Ladies and gentlemen, we've reached cruising altitude and will be turning down the cabin lights. This is for your comfort and to enhance the appearance of your flight attendants."

On landing, the stewardess said, "Please be sure to take all of your belongings.. If you're going to leave anything, please make sure it's something we'd like to have."

"There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out of this airplane."

"Thank you for flying Kulula. We hope you enjoyed giving us the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride."

As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Durban Airport , a lone voice came over the loudspeaker: "Whoa, big fella. WHOA!"

After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in the Karoo , a flight attendant on a flight announced, "Please take care when opening the overhead compartments because, after a landing like that, sure as hell everything has shifted."

From a Kulula employee: "Welcome aboard Kulula 271 to Port Elizabeth. To operate your seat belt, insert the metal tab into the buckle, and pull tight. It works just like every other seat belt; and, if you don't know how to operate one, you probably shouldn't be out in public unsupervised."

"In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, masks will descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face. If you have a small child travelling with you, secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If you are travelling with more than one small child, pick your favourite."

Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds, but we'll try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and remember, nobody loves you, or your money, more than Kulula Airlines."

"Your seats cushions can be used for flotation; and in the event of an emergency water landing, please paddle to shore and take them with our compliments."

"As you exit the plane, make sure to gather all of your belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses.."

And from the pilot during his welcome message: "Kulula Airlines is pleased to announce that we have some of the best flight attendants in the industry. Unfortunately, none of them are on this flight!"

Heard on Kulula 255 just after a very hard landing in Cape Town: The flight attendant came on the intercom and said, "That was quite a bump and I know what y'all are thinking. I'm here to tell you it wasn't the airline's fault, it wasn't the pilot's fault, it wasn't the flight attendant's fault, it was the asphalt."

Overheard on a Kulula flight into Cape Town , on a particularly windy and bumpy day: During the final approach, the Captain really had to fight it. After an extremely hard landing, the Flight Attendant said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to The Mother City . Please remain in your seats with your seat belts fastened while the Captain taxis what's left of our airplane to the gate!"

Another flight attendant's comment on a less than perfect landing: "We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal."

An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had hammered his ship into the runway really hard. The airline had a policy which required the first officer to stand at the door while the passengers exited, smile, and give them a "Thanks for flying our airline. He said that, in light of his bad landing, he had a hard time looking the passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would have a smart comment. Finally everyone had gotten off except for a little old lady walking with a cane. She said, "Sir, do you mind if I ask you a question?"
"Why, no Ma'am," said the pilot. "What is it?"
The little old lady said, "Did we land, or were we shot down?"

After a real crusher of a landing in Johannesburg, the attendant came on with, "Ladies and Gentlemen, please remain in your seats until Captain Crash and the Crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching halt against the gate. And, once the tire smoke has cleared and the warning bells are silenced, we will open the door and you can pick your way through the wreckage to the terminal.."

Part of a flight attendant's arrival announcement: "We'd like to thank you folks for flying with us today.. And, the next time you get the insane urge to go blasting through the skies in a pressurized metal tube, we hope you'll think of Kulula Airways."

Heard on a Kulula flight. "Ladies and gentlemen, if you wish to smoke, the smoking section on this airplane is on the wing. If you can light 'em, you can smoke 'em."

A plane was taking off from Durban Airport . After it reached a comfortable cruising altitude, the captain made an announcement over the intercom, "Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. Welcome to Flight Number 293, non-stop from Durban to Cape Town , The weather ahead is good and, therefore, we should have a smooth and uneventful flight.. Now sit back and relax... OH, MY GOODNESS!" Silence followed, and after a few minutes, the captain came back on the intercom and said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, I am so sorry if I scared you earlier. While I was talking to you, the flight attendant accidentally spilled a cup of hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!" A passenger then yelled, "That's nothing. You should see the back of mine!"

WAYS TO TELL YOU'RE GROWN UP . . .

Your houseplants are alive and you can't smoke any of them.

Having sex in a single bed is out of the question.

You keep more food than beer in the fridge.

6am is when you get up, not go to bed.

You hear your favourite song in the elevator.

You watch the weather channel.

Your friends marry and divorce instead of hook-up and break-up.

You go from 130 days of vacation to 14.

Jeans and a sweater no longer qualify as dressed up.

You're the one calling the police because those kids next door won't turn down the stereo.

Older relatives feel comfortable telling sex jokes around you.

You don't know what time the Kebab shop closes anymore.

Your car insurance goes down and your car payments go up.

You feed your dog a science diet instead of McDonalds leftovers.

Sleeping on the couch makes your back hurt.

You take naps.

Dinner and a movie is the whole date instead of the beginning of one.

Eating a basket of chicken wings at 3am would severely upset, rather than settle, your stomach.

You go to the chemist for Ibuprofen and antacid, not condoms and pregnancy tests.

A £4 bottle of wine is no longer "Pretty good shit".

You actually eat breakfast food at breakfast time.

"I just can't drink the way I used to" replaces "I'm never going to drink that much again".

Ninety percent of time you spend in front of a computer is for real work.

You drink at home before going to a bar.

When you find out your friend is pregnant you congratulate them instead of asking "Oh shit, what the hell happened?"

THINGS MY MOTORCYCLE HAS TAUGHT ME . . .

The only good view of a thunderstorm is in your rear view mirror

Four wheels move the body; two wheels move the soul

I'd rather be riding my motorcycle and thinking about God, than sitting in church thinking about my bike

Life may begin at 30, but it doesn't get real interesting until about 70 mph

Midnight bugs taste just as bad as Noon time bugs

Sometimes it takes a whole tank full of gas before you can think straight

A bike on the road is worth two in the shed

Young riders pick a destination and go; old riders pick a direction and go

When you're riding lead, don't spit

Catching a wasp in your shirt at 70 mph can double your vocabulary

If you can't get it going with bungee cords and duct tape, it's serious

Only a biker knows why a dog sticks his head out of a car window

I've never seen a motorcycle parked in front of a psychiatrist's office

A DROP OF THE IRISH . . .

Paddy goes to the vet with his goldfish. "I think it's got epilepsy" he tells the vet.
Vet takes a look and says "It seems calm enough to me".
Paddy says, "I haven't taken it out of the bowl yet".

Paddy spies a letter lying on his doormat. It says on the envelope "DO NOT BEND".
Paddy spends the next two hours trying to figure out how to pick the bloody thing up.

Paddy shouts frantically into the phone "My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart!"
"Is this her first child?" asks the Doctor.
"No", shouts Paddy, "this is her husband!"

Paddy was driving home, drunk as a skunk, suddenly he has to swerve to avoid a tree, then another, then another.
A cop car pulls him over as he veers about all over the road. Paddy tells the cop about all the trees in the road.
Cop says "For gods sake Paddy, that's your air freshener swinging About!"

An old Irish farmer's dog goes missing and he's inconsolable. His wife says "Why don't you put an advert in the paper?"
He does, but two weeks later the dog is still missing. "What did you put in the paper?" his wife asks.
"Here boy" he replies.

Paddy's in jail. Guard looks in his cell and sees him hanging by his feet.
"What the hell you doing?" he asks.
"Hanging meself" Paddy replies.
"It should be around your neck" says the Guard.
"I tried dat" says Paddy "but I couldn't breathe".

An American tourist asks an Irish dive master: "Why do Scuba divers always fall backwards off their boats?"
To which the Irishman replies: "If they fell forwards, they'd still be in the boat."

VERY NON-PC . . .

In a pub quiz the other day I lost by one point. The question was where do women mostly have curly hair? Apparently, it's Africa.

One of the other questions was to name two things commonly found in cells. It appears that Nigerians and Zimbabweans is not the correct answer.

I've heard that Apple have scrapped their plans for the new children's iPod after realizing that iTouch Kids is not a good product name.

You can say lots of bad things about paedophiles but at least they drive slowly past schools.

Just put a deposit down on a brand new Porsche and mentioned it on FaceBook. I said "I can't wait for the new 911 to arrive!" Next thing I know 4000 Muslims have added me as a friend!

Being a modest man, when I checked into my hotel on a recent trip, I said to the lady at the registration desk .... "I hope that the porn channel in my room is disabled." To which she replied, "No, it's regular porn, you sick bastard."

The Red Cross has just knocked at our door and asked if we could help towards the floods in Pakistan. I said that we would love to but our hose pipe reaches only as far as the bottom of the garden.

WHY WE LOVE CHILDREN . . .

1. A nursery school pupil told his teacher he'd found a cat, but it was dead

"How do you know that the cat was dead?" she asked her pupil.

"Because I pissed in its ear and it didn't move," answered the child innocently.

"You did WHAT?" the teacher exclaimed in surprise.

"You know," explained the boy, "I leaned over and went 'Pssst' and it didn't move."

2. An exasperated mother, whose son was always getting into mischief, finally asked him "How do you expect to get into Heaven?"

The boy thought it over and said, "Well, I'll run in and out and in and out and then keep slamming the door until St. Peter says, 'For Heaven's sake, Dylan, come in or stay out!'"

3. One summer evening during a violent thunderstorm a mother was tucking her son into bed. She was about to turn off the light when he asked with a tremor in his voice, "Mummy, will you sleep with me tonight?"

The mother smiled and gave him a reassuring hug. "I can't dear," she said. "I have to sleep in Daddy's room."

A long silence was broken at last by his shaky little voice ... "The big sissy."

4. It was that time, during the Sunday morning service, for the children's sermon. All the children were invited to come forward.

One little girl was wearing a particularly pretty dress and, as she sat down, the minister leaned over and said, "That is a very pretty dress. Is it your Easter Dress?"

The little girl replied, directly into the minister's clip-on microphone, "Yes, and my Mum says it's a bitch to iron."

5. When her mummy was six months pregnant with her third child, a three year old came into the room when she was just getting ready to get into the shower. She said, "Mummy, you are getting fat!"

Mummy replied, "Yes, honey, remember Mummy has a baby growing in her tummy." "I know," she replied, but what's that growing in your bum?"

6. A little boy was doing his maths homework. He said to himself, "Two plus five, that son of a bitch is seven. Three plus six, that son of a bitch is nine ..."

His mother heard what he was saying and gasped, "What are you doing?"

The little boy answered, "I'm doing my math homework, Mum."

"And this is how your teacher taught you to do it?" the mother asked

"Yes" he answered.

Infuriated, the mother asked the teacher the next day, "What are you teaching my son in maths?"

The teacher replied, "Right now, we are learning addition."

The mother asked, "And are you teaching them to say two plus two, that son of a bitch is four?"

After the teacher stopped laughing, she answered, "What I taught them was, two plus two, THE SUM OF WHICH, is four."

7. One day the first grade teacher was reading the story of Chicken Little to her class. She came to the part of the story where Chicken Little tried to warn the farmer. She read, '... and so Chicken Little went up to the farmer and said, "The sky is falling, the sky is falling!'"

The teacher paused then asked the class, "And what do you think that farmer said?"

One little girl raised her hand and said, "I think he said:'Holy Shit! A talking chicken!'"

The teacher was unable to teach for the next 10 minutes.

8. A certain little girl, when asked her name, would reply, "I'm Mr Sugarbrown's daughter."

Her mother told her this was wrong, she must say, "I'm Jane Sugarbrown."

The Vicar spoke to her in Sunday School and said, "Aren't you Mr Sugarbrown s daughter?"

She replied, "I thought I was, but mother says I'm not."

9. A little girl asked her mother, "Can I go outside and play with the boys?

Her mother replied, "No, you can't play with the boys, they're too rough."

The little girl thought about it for a few moments and asked, "If I can find a smooth one, can I play with him?"

10. A little girl goes to the barber shop with her father. She stands next to the barber chair, while her dad gets his hair cut, eating a snack cake.

The barber says to her, "Sweetheart, you're gonna get hair on your muffin!"

She says, "Yes, I know, and I'm gonna get boobs too."

A QUICKY OR TWO . . .

I got some new aftershave today that smells like bread crumbs - the birds love it!

The Prime Minister has announced that he intends to make it more difficult to claim benefits. From next week all claim forms will only be printed in English.

I was driving this morning when I saw an RAC van parked up. The driver was sobbing uncontrollably and looked very miserable. I thought to myself "that guy's heading for a breakdown".

A US fighter plane was flying over Afghanistan when the pilot noticed a flying carpet on each side of his plane both with a machine gunner on board. Sensing danger he shot them down. Back at base he got a right telling-off - apparently they were Allied Carpets!

On holiday recently in Spain I saw a sign that said "English speaking Doctor". I thought what a good idea, why don't we have them in England.

The lead actor in the local pantomime Aladdin was sexually abused from behind on stage last night. To be fair the audience did try to warn him.

If you get an email saying you can catch swine flu from tinned pork don't open it, its spam.

No matter how far you push the envelope, it will remain stationery.

A mate of mine recently admitted to being addicted to brake fluid. When I quizzed him on it he reckoned he could stop any time.

I went to the cemetery yesterday to lay some flowers on a grave. As I was standing there I noticed four grave diggers walking about with a coffin. Three hours later and they're still walking about with it. I thought to myself, they've lost the plot!

I was at an ATM yesterday when a little old lady asked if I could check her balance, so I pushed her over.

A new Middle East crisis erupted last night as Dubai Television was refused permission to broadcast 'The Flintstones'. A spokesman for the channel said. "A claim was made that people in Dubai would not understand the humour, but we know for a fact that people in Abu Dhabi Do."

My daughter asked me for a pet spider for her birthday, so I went to our local pet shop and they were £70!!! B******s to this, I thought, I can get one cheaper off the web.

Statistically, 6 out of 7 dwarves are not happy.

Went around to a friends house today. His wife was sat there with their newborn baby. She asked if I'd like to wind it. I thought that was a bit harsh so I gave it a dead arm instead..

SEX QUOTES . . .

"I believe that sex is one of the most beautiful, natural, wholesome things that money can buy."
Tom Clancy

"You know that look that women get when they want sex? Me neither."
Steve Martin

"Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand."
Woody Allen

"Bisexuality immediately doubles your chances for a date on Saturday night."
Rodney Dangerfield

"My girlfriend always laughs during sex - no matter what she's reading."
Steve Jobs

"My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a bitch."
Jack Nicholson

"Clinton lied. A man might forget where he parks or where he lives, but he never forgets oral sex, no matter how bad it is."
Barbara Bush

"Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need a place."
Billy Crystal

"According to a new survey, women say they feel more comfortable undressing in front of men than they do underssing in front of other women. They say that women are too judgmental, where, of course, men are just grateful."
Robert De Niro

"Instead of getting married again, I'm going to find a woman I don't like and just give her a house."
Rod Stewart

"See, the problem is that God gave men a brain and a penis, and only enough blood to run one at a time."
Robin Williams

"Sex at age 90 is like trying to shoot pool with a rope."
George Burns

MORE QUICKIES . . .

I've just come out of the shop with a meat and potato pie, large chips, mushy peas and a jumbo sausage. A poor homeless man sat there and said "I've not eaten for two days" I told him "I wish I had your will power"

A fat girl served me food in McDonald's at lunch time. She said "Sorry about the wait." I said "Don't worry fatty, you're bound to lose it eventually"

I walked past an abo kid sitting at a Bus Stop as I came out of the Bank. He looked at me and asked "Any Change?" I said "Nope! You're still Black"

Snow in the forecast! The TV weather girl said she was expecting 8 inches tonight. I thought to myself "Fat chance with a face like that!"

An Irish boy stands crying at the side of the road. A man asks "What is wrong?" The boy says "Me ma is dead" "Oh bejaysus" the man says "Do you want me to call Father O'Riley for you?" The boy replies "No tanks mister, Sex is the last ting on my moind at the moment"

I have a new pick up line that works every time. It doesn't matter how gorgeous or out of my league a woman might be, this line is a winner & I always end up in bed with them. Here's how it goes "Excuse me love, could I ask your opinion? Does this damp cloth smell like chloroform to you?"

Years ago it was suggested that an apple a day kept the doctor away. But since all the doctors are now Muslim, I've found that a bacon sandwich works best!

Scientists have now created a camera with such an immense shutter speed that it is now possible to take a photograph of a woman with her mouth closed.

I hate all this terrorist business. I used to love the days when you could look at an unattended bag on a train or bus and think to yourself "I'm having that"

Man in a hot air balloon is lost. He looks down and sees a farmer in the fields and shouts to him "Where am I?" The farmer looks up and shouts back "Ya can't kid me ya flash bastard. You're in that feckin basket"

FIVE ANSWERS WE'VE BEEN WAITING FOR! . . .

Q: What are the small bumps around a woman's nipples for?
A: It's Braille for 'suck here'.

Q: What is an Australian kiss?
A: It's the same as a French kiss, but 'downunder.'

Q: What do you do with 365 used condoms?
A: Melt them down, make a tire, and call it a Goodyear.

Q: Why were hurricanes normally named after women?
A: Because when they come, they're wild and wet, and when they go, they take your house and car with them.

Q: What is a man's ultimate embarrassment?
A: Running into a wall with an erection and breaking his nose.

HISTORICAL KNOWLEDGE . . .

In George Washington's days, there were no cameras. One's image was either sculpted or painted. Some paintings of George Washington showed him standing behind a desk with one arm behind his back while others showed both legs and both arms. Prices charged by painters were not based on how many people were to be painted, but by how many limbs were to be painted. Arms and legs are 'limbs,' therefore painting them would cost the buyer more. Hence the expression, 'Okay, but it'll cost you an arm and a leg.' (Artists know hands and arms are more difficult to paint)

As incredible as it sounds, men and women took baths only twice a year (May and October) Women kept their hair covered, while men shaved their heads (because of lice and bugs) and wore wigs. Wealthy men could afford good wigs made from wool. They couldn't wash the wigs, so to clean them they would carve out a loaf of bread, put the wig in the shell, and bake it for 30 minutes. The heat would make the wig big and fluffy, hence the term 'big wig.' Today we often use the term 'here comes the Big Wig' because someone appears to be powerful and wealthy.

In the late 1700's, many houses consisted of a large room with only one chair. Commonly, a long wide board folded down from the wall, and was used for dining. The 'head of the household' always sat in the chair while everyone else ate sitting on the floor. Occasionally a guest, who was usually a man, would be invited to sit in this chair during a meal. To sit in the chair meant you were important and in charge. They called the one sitting in the chair the 'chair man.' Today in business, we use the expression or title 'Chairman' or 'Chairman of the Board.'

Personal hygiene left much room for improvement. As a result, many women and men had developed acne scars by adulthood. The women would spread bee's wax over their facial skin to smooth out their complexions. When they were speaking to each other, if a woman began to stare at another woman's face she was told, 'mind your own bee's wax.' Should the woman smile, the wax would crack, hence the term 'crack a smile'. In addition, when they sat too close to the fire, the wax would melt . . . Therefore, the expression 'losing face.'

Ladies wore corsets, which would lace up in the front. A proper and dignified woman, as in 'straight laced'. . Wore a tightly tied lace.

Common entertainment included playing cards. However, there was a tax levied when purchasing playing cards but only applicable to the 'Ace of Spades.' To avoid paying the tax, people would purchase 51 cards instead. Yet, since most games require 52 cards, these people were thought to be stupid or dumb because they weren't 'playing with a full deck.'

Early politicians required feedback from the public to determine what the people considered important. (What a novel idea). Since there were no t elephones, TV's or radios, the politicians sent their assistants to local taverns, pubs, and bars. They were told to 'go sip some ale' and listen to people's conversations and political concerns. Many assistants were dispatched at different times. 'You go sip here' and 'You go sip there.' The two words 'go sip' were eventually combined when referring to the local opinion and thus we have the term 'gossip.'

At local taverns, pubs, and bars, people drank from pint and quart-sized containers. A bar maid's job was to keep an eye on the customers and keep the drinks coming. She had to pay close attention and remember who was drinking in 'pints' and who was drinking in 'quarts,' hence the term minding your 'P's and 'Q's

In the heyday of sailing ships, all war ships and many freighters carried iron cannons. Those cannons fired round iron cannon balls. It was necessary to keep a good supply near the cannon. However, how to prevent them from rolling about the deck? The best storage method devised was a square-based pyramid with one ball on top, resting on four resting on nine, which rested on sixteen. Thus, a supply of 30 cannon balls could be stacked in a small area right next to the cannon. There was only one problem ... how to prevent the bottom layer from sliding or rolling from under the others. The solution was a metal plate called a 'Monkey' with 16 round indentations. However, if this plate were made of iron, the iron balls would quickly rust to it. The solution to the rusting problem was to make 'Brass Monkeys.' Few landlubbers realize that brass contracts much more and much faster than iron when chilled. Consequently, when the temperature dropped too far, the brass indentations would shrink so much that the iron cannonballs would come right off the monkey. Thus, it was quite literally, 'Cold enough to freeze the balls off a brass monkey.'

AMAZINGLY SIMPLE HOME REMEDIES . . .

Avoid cutting yourself when slicing vegetables by getting someone else to hold the vegetables while you chop.

Avoid arguments with the females about lifting the toilet seat by using the sink.

For high blood pressure sufferers - simply cut yourself and bleed for a few minutes, thus reducing the pressure on your veins. Remember to use a timer.

A mouse trap placed on top of your alarm clock will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep after you hit the snooze button.

If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of laxatives. Then you'll be afraid to cough.

You only need two tools in life - WD-40 and Duct Tape. If it doesn't move and should, use the WD-40. If it shouldn't move and does, use the Duct Tape.

If you can't fix it with a hammer, you've got an electrical problem.

SKY NEWS REPORTS . . .

The Irish have joined in the attack on Libya. They sent in 3 ships - 2 full of sand and one full of cement.
It was a mortar attack.

An assortment of high powered weapons and a stash of drugs including cocaine, heroin and ecstacy have been found behind the Job Centre in Liverpool. The locals are said to be in a state of shock ...
They had no idea they had a job centre!

The Japanese government have thanked Britain for the rescue dogs they sent out.
They said they were delicious!

My sexy Chinese neighbour told me she was desperate for a roger.
It was only when I had my trousers round my ankles and my willie out, that I realised she wanted to rent her spare room out!!

I persuaded my girlfriend to smuggle my coke through customs by sticking it up her bottom.
I didn't know I could buy another can in the departure lounge.

The Irish have solved their own fuel problems.
They imported 50 Million tonnes of sand from the Arabs and they're going to drill for their own oil.

A farmer gets a phone call from his son. I've run over a pig and its stuck under the tractor still alive ... Shoot it says the farmer, and then bury it. About 20mins later he gets another call.
Done that, what should I do with his speed camera and motorbike.

A Geordie and a Yank aid worker are helping out in Japan. Yank says, "You from round here, buddy?" ... "No," he replies, "Newcastle" ... "What State's that in?" asks the Yank.
"Pretty much the same as this place!"

Kate Middleton asked the Queen for advice on marriage and a long relationship
She replied "Wear a seatbelt and don't piss me off!"

A LITTLE BIT RUDE . . .

Last night I reached for my liquid viagra and accidentally swigged from a bottle of Tippex.
I woke this morning with a huge correction.

My girlfriend said she was leaving me due to my obsession with the 60's group The Monkees.
I thought she was joking ... then I saw her face.

My budgie broke his leg today so I made him a little splint out of a couple of Swan Vesta's, his little face lit up when he tried to walk.
Unfortunately, I forgot to remove the sandpaper from the bottom of his cage.

I got sacked last night from the Salvation Army soup kitchen, ungrateful bleeders.
All I said was, "Hurry up for goodness sake, some of us have got homes to go to!"

Last night I was sitting on the sofa watching TV when I heard my wife's voice from the kitchen, "What would you like for dinner my love, chicken, beef or lamb?"
I said, "Thank you, I'll have chicken please."
She replied, "You're having soup you fat bastard, I was talking to the cat!"

I was sat in a restaurant and got hit on the back of the head by a prawn cocktail.
I looked round and this bloke shouts, "That's just for starters!"

Yoko Ono has been signed up for the next series of 'I'm a celebrity, get me out of here!'
Show bosses think she will do really well since she's been living off a dead Beatle for the last thirty years.

SMART ARSE ANSWERS . . .

It was mealtime during a flight on a British Airways plane: "Would you like dinner?" the flight attendant asked the man seated in the front row.
"What are my choices?" the man asked.
"Yes or no," she replied.

A lady was picking through the frozen Chickens at a Woolworths store but she couldn't find one big enough for her family. She asked a passing assistant, "Do these Chickens get any bigger?"
The assistant replied, "I'm afraid not, they're dead."

The policeman got out of his car and the teenager he stopped for speeding rolled down his window. "I've been waiting for you all day," the Cop said.
The kid replied, "Well I got here as fast as I could."
When the policeman finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way without a ticket.

A truck driver was driving along on a country road. A sign came up that read " Low Bridge Ahead." Before he realised it, the bridge was directly ahead and he got stuck under it. Cars were backed up for miles. Finally, a police car arrived. The policeman got out of his car and walked to the truck's cab and said to the driver, "Got stuck, eh?"
The truck driver said, "No, I was delivering this bridge and ran out of diesel!"

A high school teacher reminded her pupils of tomorrow's final exam. "Now listen to me, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack, a serious personal injury, illness, or a death in your immediate family, but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever!"
A smart-arsed teenager at the back of the room raised his hand and asked, "What would happen if I came in tomorrow suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?"
The entire class was reduced to laughter and sniggering.
When silence was restored, the teacher smiled at the student, shook her head and sweetly said, "Well, I would expect you to write the exam with your other hand."

LITTLE RALPHY . . .

LITTLE RALPHY ON MATH
A teacher asks her class, 'If there are 5 birds sitting on a fence and you shoot one of them, how many will be left?'
She calls on little Ralphy.
He replies, 'None, they will all fly away with the first gunshot.'
The teacher replies, 'The correct answer is 4, but I like your thinking.'
Then little RALPHY says, 'I have a question for YOU. There are 3 women sitting on a bench having ice cream: One is delicately licking the sides of the triple scoop of ice cream. The second is gobbling down the top and sucking the cone. The third is biting off the top of the ice cream. Which one is married?'
The teacher, blushing a great deal, replied, 'Well, I suppose the one that's gobbled down the top and sucked the cone.'
To which Little RALPHY replied, 'The correct answer is 'the one with the wedding ring on,' but I like your thinking.'

LITTLE RALPHY ON MATH (Part 2)
Little RALPHY returns from school and says he got an F in arithmetic.
'Why?' asks the father?
'The teacher asked 'How much is 2x3,' I said '6', replies RALPHY.
'But that's right!' says his dad.
'Yeah, but then she asked me 'How much is 3x2?'
'What's the f...... difference?' asks the father.
'That's what I said!'

LITTLE RALPHY ON ENGLISH
LITTLE RALPHY goes to school, and the teacher says, 'Today we are going to learn multi-syllable words, class. Does anybody have an example of a multi-syllable word?'
RALPHY says 'Mas-tur-bate.'
Miss Rogers smiles and says, 'Wow, little RALPHY, that's a mouthful.'
Little RALPHY says, 'No, Miss Rogers, you're thinking of a blowjob.'

LITTLE RALPHY ON GRAMMAR
LITTLE RALPHY was sitting in class one day.
All of a sudden, he needed to go to the toilet.
He yelled out, 'Miss Jones, I need to take a piss!!'
The teacher replied, 'Now, RALPHY, that is NOT the proper word to use in this situation. The correct word you want to use is 'urinate.' Please use the word 'ur-i-nate' in a sentence correctly, and I will allow you to go.'
Little RALPHY, thinks for a bit, and then says, 'You're an eight, but if you had bigger tits, you'd be a TEN!'

LITTLE RALPHY ON GRAMMAR (Part 2)
One day, during lessons on proper grammar, the teacher asked for a show of hands from those who could use the word 'beautiful' in the same sentence twice..
First, she called on little Suzie, who responded with, 'My father bought my mother a beautiful dress and she looked beautiful in it.'
'Very good, Suzie,' replied the teacher. She then called on little Michael.
'My mummy planned a beautiful banquet and it turned out beautifully.'
She said, 'Excellent, Michael!' Then the teacher reluctantly called on little RALPHY.
'Last night at the dinner table, my sister told my father that she was pregnant, and he said 'Beautiful, just f...... beautiful!''

LITTLE RALPHY ON GETTING OLDER
LITTLE RALPHY was sitting on a park bench munching on one candy bar after another.
After the 6th one a man on the bench across from him said, 'Son, you know eating all that candy isn't good for you. It will give you acne, rot your teeth, and make you fat.'
Little Ralphy replied, 'My grandfather lived to be 107 years old.'
The man asked, 'Did your grandfather eat 6 candy bars at a time?'
Little RALPHY answered, 'No, he minded his own f....... business.

DEAR EDITOR . . .

On our wedding anniversary this year, my husband promised to treat me like a princess. He was as good as his word: he took me for a meal, got completely pi**ed and on the way home crashed into a concrete pillar at 120mph, killing me instantly.
Mrs B. Essex.

The person who coined the phrase "as different as chalk and cheese" obviously hadn't tasted Kwik Save's cheddar.
John Sampson, Southampton.

If Eastenders is so true to life, how come none of the loveable Cockney characters are Man Utd supporters?
P. Sullivan, Birkenhead .

They say football is a game of two halves. Not for me it isn't. I regularly down eight or nine pints whilst watching a live game on Sky TV in my local.
D Evans, London.

If smoking is bad for you, how come it cures Salmon?
Stalker, Bournemouth .

Why does Frank Bruno get a gong just because he's good at hitting people? I'm brilliant at it but the most I've ever got is 200 hours community service.
A Woodward, Sheffield.

They say good manners cost you nothing. B*llocks. I sent my daughter to finishing school and it cost me twenty bloody grand.
J Morgan, Wigan.

If, as Freddie Mercury claimed, fat bottomed girls make the rocking world go round, isn't it about time that the city of Derby received some recognition for its contribution to astrophysics?
Neil Sedgwick, Nottingham.

In the 20th Century, Britain only made war with countries whose Capital cities began with the letter 'B' - Germany (Berlin), Argentina (Buenos Aires), Iraq (Baghdad), and Serbia (Belgrade). China changed the name of Peking to Beijing and we bombed their embassy. One hopes we will show a little more imagination in this century.
Martin Harwood, Bradford.

These so-called speed bumps are a joke. If anything, they slow you down.
Tim Wakefield, Surrey.

Now I've been going out with my girlfriend for some time, it seems OK when I break wind in bed. It's when I follow through that the petty arguments begin. I will never understand women.
Chris Mapply, Carshalton.

We should remember the tremendous contribution of the Queen Mother to the war effort: as the BBC pointed out, she "bravely remained in London beside her husband" during the war. This contrasts sharply with the actions of my grandfather who, on the declaration of war immediately left his wife and children and p*ssed off, first to France, then North Africa, Italy, France (again) and finally Germany. The shame will always be with us.
George Nisbet.

Like the Queen Mum, my grandfather was a frequent visitor to the East End during the dark days of the blitz, but he was never hailed as a hero by the people of London. That's because he flew Heinkel bombers for the Luftwaffe.
Werner Hoffman, Munich .

I would just like to say a big thank you to all those wonderful young people who stand on motorway slip roads (and in any weather) holding up boards telling us motorists where they lead to.
B Bollockbrain, Braintree.

Davina McCall says that dangling off a helicopter over the Grand Canyon on a 700 foot bungee rope was the most terrifying and dangerous thing she has ever done. She must be forgetting that she went out with Stan Collymore.
M Duckworth, Poole.

So Sting is able to shag his wife for five hours without going off. I know how he feels. My wife is no oil painting either.
J Leonard, Hull.

To call Dr Harold Shipman 'Britain's worst serial killer' is utter nonsense. With more confirmed kills to his name than any other UK-based murderer, surely Dr. Shipman is 'Britain's best serial killer'. Colin Stagg, who was arrested in connection with one killing and turned out not to have done it in the first place, would qualify as the country's 'Worst Mass Murderer'.
Danny King, Balham.

I heard recently that, on average, Alex Ferguson receives two turds in the post each week. What I want to know is, who's sending the other one?
K Libretto, Welling.

MEDICAL REPORTS . . .

The patient has no previous history of suicides.

Patient has left her white blood cells at another hospital.

Patient's medical history has been remarkably insignificant with only a 40 pound weight gain in the past three days.

She has no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband states she was very hot in bed last night.

Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year.

On the second day the knee was better and on the third day it disappeared.

The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be depressed.

The patient has been depressed since she began seeing me in 1993.

Discharge status: Alive, but without my permission.

Healthy appearing decrepit 69-year old male, mentally alert, but forgetful.

Patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch.

She is numb from her toes down.

While in ER, she was examined, x-rated and sent home.

The skin was moist and dry.

Occasional, constant, infrequent headaches.

Patient was alert and unresponsive.

Rectal examination revealed a normal size thyroid.

She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life until she got a divorce.

I saw your patient today, who is still under our care for physical therapy.

Both breasts are equal and reactive to light and accommodation.

Examination of genitalia reveals that he is circus sized.

The lab test indicated abnormal lover function.

Skin: somewhat pale, but present.

The pelvic exam will be done later on the floor.

Large brown stool ambulating in the hall.

Patient has two teenage children, but no other abnormalities.

When she fainted, her eyes rolled around the room.

The patient was in his usual state of good health until his airplane ran out of fuel and crashed.

Between you and me, we ought to be able to get this lady pregnant.

She slipped on the ice and apparently her legs went in separate directions in early December.

Patient was seen in consultation by Dr. Smith, who felt we should sit on the abdomen and I agree.

The patient was to have a bowel resection. However, he took a job as a stock broker instead.

By the time he was admitted, his rapid heart had stopped and he was feeling better.

VERY BRAVE MAN JOKES . . .

What is the difference between a battery and a woman?
A battery has a positive side.

How are fat girls and mopeds alike?
They're both fun to ride until your friends find out.

How do you piss off a female archaeologist?
Give her a used tampon and ask her what period it comes from.

How is a woman like a condom?
Both of them spend more time in your wallet than on your di*k.

What should you give a woman who has everything?
A man to show her how to work it.

Why is the space between a woman's breasts and her hips called a waist?
Because you could easily fit another pair of tits in there.

How do you make 5 pounds of fat look good?
Put a nipple on it.

Why do women rub their eyes when they wake up?
Because they don't have balls to scratch.

Why did God create woman?
To carry semen from the bedroom to the toilet.

Why do women fake orgasms ?
Because they think men care.

What do you say to a woman with 2 black eyes?
Nothing, she's been told twice already.

If your wife keeps coming out of the kitchen to nag at you, what have you done wrong?
Made her chain too long

How many men does it take to open a beer?
None. It should be opened when she brings it.

Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?
Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will probably never be able to support you.

Why do women have smaller feet than men?
It's one of those 'evolutionary things' that allows them to stand closer to the kitchen sink.

How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart?
When she starts a sentence with 'A man once told me...'

How do you fix a woman's watch?
You don't. There is a clock on the oven.

Why do men pass gas more than women?
Because women can't shut up long enough to build up the required pressure.

If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first?
The dog, of course. He'll shut up once you let him in.

What's worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig?
A woman who won't do what she's told.

I married a Miss Right.
I just didn't know her first name was Always.

Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex drive by 90%.
It's called a Wedding Cake.

Why do men die before their wives?
They want to.

Women will never be equal to men...
until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut and still think they are sexy.

In the beginning, God created the earth and rested.
Then God created Man and rested.
Then God created Woman.
Since then, neither God nor Man has rested.

SHOULD OFFEND JUST ABOUT EVERYONE . . .

I get on extremely well with the lesbians next door. They asked me what I would like for my birthday. I was stunned when they gave me a Rolex. It was very nice of them, but I think they misunderstood me when I said, "I wanna watch."

Honestly some folk will take offence at anything. I met a bloke with no legs this morning while at the bus stop and all I asked was "How are you getting on?"

Paddy was in the delivery room when the midwife handed him a black baby. "Is this yours?" she asked. "Probably." said Paddy "She burns everything else!"

My missus has just gone into hospital with two black eyes and a broken jaw. It seems we were on different wavelengths when she said she wanted decking on the patio.

They reckon that Beer contains female hormones and I think they are right. After 8 pints I talk shxx and can't drive!

What's the difference between Basil Brush and a Terrorist with a rucksack? The Terrorist with a rucksack only goes "Boom" once.

A mate of mine has just told me he's xxxxing his girlfriend and her twin. I said "How can you tell them apart?" He said "Her brother's got a moustache!"

A biker goes to the doctor with hearing problems. "Can you describe the symptoms to me?" asked the doctor. "Yes. Homer is a fat yellow lazy bastard and Marge is a skinny bird with big blue hair."

YORKSHIRE PUDDINGS . . .

Yorkshire man takes his cat to the vet.
Yorkshireman: "Ayup, lad, I need to talk to thee about me cat."
Vet: "Is it a tom?"
Yorkshireman: "Nay, I've browt it wi' us."

A Yorkshireman's dog dies and as it was a favourite pet he decides to have a gold statue made by a jeweller to remember the dog by.
Yorkshireman: "Can tha mek us a gold statue of yon dog?"
Jeweller: "Do you want it 18 carat?"
Yorkshireman: "No I want it chewin' a bone, yer daft begger!"

A Yorkshireman's wife dies and the widower decides that her headstone should have the words "She were Thine" engraved on it.
He calls the stone mason, who assures him that the headstone will be ready a few days after the funeral. True to his word the stone mason calls the widower to say that the headstone is ready and would he like to come and have a look.
When the widower gets there he takes one look at the stone to see that it's been engraved "She were Thin".
He explodes - good grief, man, you've left the flamin' "e" out!
The stone mason apologises and assures the poor widower that it will be rectified the following morning.
Next day comes and the widower returns to the stone mason - "There you go sir, I've put the "e" on the stone for you"..
The widower looks at the stone and then reads out aloud - "E, She were Thin".

Bloke from Barnsley with a sore backside asks chemist "Nah then lad, does tha sell arse cream?"
Chemist replies "Aye, Magnum or Cornetto?"

SHORT AND SOUR . . .

Jonathan Ross has been accused of shoplifting a kitchen utensil from Tesco.
Ross says it was a whisk he was prepared to take.

Police stopped a Pakistani in his transit on the motorway. Policeman said "Do you know the limit is 70?"
The driver leaned into the back and shouted: "Hear that - three of you have got to get out!"

Four immigrants were suffocated in the back of a Tesco lorry last night. Every little helps.

Paddy and Mick stagger out of the zoo with blood pouring from them.
"B*ll*ks to that" said Paddy "That's the last time I go lion dancing."

Sixty three Pakistanis died in Bradford this morning. It was not a terrorist attack, a bunk bed collapsed.
The police are blaming AL IKEA.

Scientists have revealed today that they have found a new drug for depressed lesbians. It's called Trydixagain.

PADDY WHACKERS . . .

Paddy and Mick go to London to donate sperm.
It was a disaster!
Paddy missed the tube and Mick came on the bus!

Paddy calls Easyjet to book a flight.
The operator asks "How many people are flying with you?"
Paddy replies "I don't know! It's your bloody plane!"

Paddy and Murphy are working on a building site.
Paddy says to Murphy "I'm gonna have the day off, I'm gonna pretend I'm mad!"
He climbs up the rafters, hangs upside down and shouts "I'M A LIGHT BULB! I'M A LIGHT BULB!"
Murphy watches in amazement!
The Foreman shouts "Paddy you're mad, go home"
So he leaves the site.
Murphy starts packing his kit up to leave as well.
"Where the hell are you going?" asks the Foreman.
"I can't work in the friggin' dark!" says Murphy.

Paddy takes his new wife to bed on their wedding night.
She undresses, lies on the bed spread-eagled and says "You know what I want, don't you?"
"Yeah," says Paddy.. "The whole bed by the looks of it!"

Q. What's a Catholic priest and a pint of Guinness got in common?
A. A black coat, white collar and you've got to watch your arse if you get a dodgy one!

Paddy, the electrician, got sacked from the U.S. prison service for not servicing the electric chair.
He said in his professional opinion it was a death trap!

Paddy, the Irish boyfriend of the woman whose head was found on Arbroath beach was asked to identify her.
A detective held up the head at which point Paddy said "I don't think that's her, she wasn't that tall!"

Paddy and his wife are lying in bed and the neighbours' dog is barking like mad in the garden.
Paddy says "To hell with this!" and storms off.
He comes back upstairs 5 minutes later and his wife asks "What did you do?"
Paddy replies "I've put the dog in our garden. Let's see how they like it!"

POLITICALLY INCORRECT . . .

When I was in the pub I heard a couple of idiots saying that they wouldn't feel safe on an aircraft if they knew the pilot was a woman.
What a pair of sexist twits; I mean, it's not as if she'd have to reverse the bloody thing!

Little Johnny is sitting in geography class when the teacher asks him, "Where is Pakistan?"
He replies, "Outside playing with Paki-Dave".

Local Police hunting the 'knitting needle nutter' who has stabbed six people in the arse in the last 48 hours, believe the attacker could be following some kind of pattern.

Murphy says to Paddy "What ya talkin to an envelope for?"
"I'm sending a voicemail!"

Just got back from my mate's funeral.
He died after being hit on the head with a tennis ball. It was a lovely service.

Nineteen paddies go to the cinema, the ticket lady asks "Why so many of you?" Mick replies, "The film said 18 or over."

An Asian fellow has moved in next door. He has travelled the world, swam with sharks, wrestled bears and climbed the highest mountain. It came as no surprise to learn his name is Bindair Dundat.

A Welsh Muslim was caught today having sex with a young sheep.
In his defence he said it was islam and he could do whatever he liked with it.

My Nan has found a lump in each of her breasts. Turns out it was just her knees.

RIB TICKLERS . . .

I grew up in a rough area - other kids used to cover me in cream and put a cherry on my head.
Yes, life was tough in the gateau.

My friend rang me during the week "What are you doing" he asks.
"Probably failing my driving test" I replied.

My friend died in the strong winds yesterday when a branch from a lemon tree fell on his head.
It was a bitter blow.

When my mum got fired from her job as a lollipop lady for stealing I didn't believe it - but when I got home -
the signs were all there.

My wife told me she is leaving me because of my addiction to poker.
I told her I thought she was bluffing.

My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance ... We'll see about that.

My neighbour knocked on my door at 2:30am this morning, can you believe that 2:30am? Luckily for him I was still up playing my bagpipes.

The Grim Reaper came for me last night, and I beat him off with a vacuum cleaner.
Goodness me, talk about Dyson with death.

Paddy says "Mick, I'm thinking of buying a Labrador."
"Stuff that," says Mick "have you seen how many of their owners go blind?"

Spent £40 on eBay last week for hair enlarger.
Just opened it and somebody sent me a magnifying glass!

I saw a poor old lady fall over today on the ice!
At least I presume she was poor - she only had £1.20 in her purse.

My girlfriend thinks that I'm a stalker.
Well, she's not exactly my girlfriend yet.

I woke up last night to find the ghost of Gloria Gaynor standing at the foot of my bed.
At first I was afraid ... then I was petrified.

A wife says to her husband "You're always pushing me around and talking behind my back."
He says "What do you expect? You're in a wheel chair."

Doctors have just identified a food that can cause grief and suffering years after it's been eaten.
It's called a wedding cake.

I was in the pub with my wife last night and I said "I love you."
She said "Is that you or the beer talking?"
I replied "It's me talking to the beer."

The wife has been missing a week now.
Police said to prepare for the worst.
So I have been to the charity shop to get all her clothes back.

BRITISH HUMOUR . . .

It has been announced that the police are going to be allowed to use water cannons on rioters. They are putting some Persil in to stop the coloureds running.

Two Muslims have crashed a speedboat into the Thames barrier in London.
Police think it might be the start of Ram-a-dam.

Following the riots in Tottenham, it's important to remind ourselves that not all black people are stereotypical thieves and arsonists. The vast majority are drug dealers and rapists.

Ngogo Mwambi has to travel 5 miles every day for fresh water, 7 miles every day for food & 10 miles every day for medicine for him & his family. This is because the daft bastard and all his mates torched the Peckham Spar, Tottenham KFC and Hackney Medical Centre and now he has to walk to Shoreditch for his breakfast.

Riots in Wythenshawe last month caused over £1 million worth of improvements.

Muslims have gone on the rampage in Bradford, killing anyone who's English.
Police fear the death toll could be as high as 5.

Sat opposite an Indian lady on the train today, she shut her eyes and stopped breathing.
I thought she was dead until I saw the red spot on her forehead and realised she was just on standby.

ITALIAN CRUISES . . .

Italian divers searching the stricken cruise ship have found two Glaswegians in the bar.
They told the divers to f**k off, they're all inclusive.

Fabrizio

I like my women how I like my Italian Cruises.
Wet, wrecked and ready to go down.

Rossi

I just bought a lottery ticket...
First prize a cruise around the Med... last week was a rollover.

Biaggi

Watching the news about the stricken cruise ship & the Sky presenter said "She's lying on her side with a gash the size of a tennis court"
I just happened to glance at the Mrs and then the fight started.

Schettino

Lionel Ritchie has cancelled his forthcoming gigs on cruise liners.
Apparently "Dancing On The Ceiling" does not have the same appeal any more.

POLICE COMMENTS . . .

"You know, stop lights don't come any redder than the one you just went through."

"Relax, the handcuffs are tight because they're new. They'll stretch after you wear them a while."

"If you take your hands off the car, I'll make your birth certificate a worthless document."

"If you run, you'll only go to jail tired."

"Can you run faster than 1200 feet per second? Because that's the speed of the bullet that'll be chasing you."

"You don't know how fast you were going? I guess that means I can write anything I want to on the ticket, huh?"

"Yes, sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but I don't think it will help. Oh, did I mention that I'm the shift supervisor?"

"Warning! You want a warning? O.K, I'm warning you not to do that again or I'll give you another ticket."

"The answer to this last question will determine whether you are drunk or not. Was Mickey Mouse a cat or a dog?"

"Fair? You want me to be fair? Listen, fair is a place where you go to ride on rides, eat cotton candy and corn dogs and step in monkey poop."

"Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my wife gets a toaster oven."

"In God we trust; all others we run through National Crime Information Center."

"Just how big were those 'two beers' you say you had?"

"No sir, we don't have quotas anymore. We used to, but now we're allowed to write as many tickets as we can."

"I'm glad to hear that the Chief of Police is a personal friend of yours. So you know someone who can post your bail."

"You didn't think we give pretty women tickets? You're right, we don't ... Sign here."

WASHINGTON DC AIRPORT AGENT . . .

I had a New Hampshire Congresswoman (Carol Shea-Porter) ask for an aisle seat so that her hair wouldn't get messed up by being near the window. (On an airplane!)

I got a call from a Kansas Congressman's (Moore) staffer (Howard Bauleke), who wanted to go to Capetown.. I started to explain the length of the flight and the passport information, and then he interrupted me with, "I'm not trying to make you look stupid, but Capetown is in Massachusetts ...."
Without trying to make him look stupid, I calmly explained, "Cape Cod is in Massachusetts, Capetown is in Africa." His response -- click.

A senior Vermont Congressman (Bernie Sanders) called, furious about a Florida package we did. I asked what was wrong with the vacation in Orlando . He said he was expecting an ocean-view room. I tried to explain that's not possible, since Orlando is in the middle of the state.
He replied, 'don't lie to me, I looked on the map and Florida is a very thin state!"

I got a call from a lawmaker's wife (Landra Reid) who asked, "Is it possible to see England from Canada?"
I said, "No."
She said, "But they look so close on the map."

An aide for a cabinet member (Janet Napolitano) once called and asked if he could rent a car in Dallas . I pulled up the reservation and noticed he had only a 1-hour layover in Dallas . When I asked him why he wanted to rent a car, he said, "I heard Dallas was a big airport, and we will need a car to drive between gates to save time."

An Illinois Congresswoman (Jan Schakowsky) called last week. She needed to know how it was possible that her flight from Detroit left at 8:30 a.m., and got to Chicago at 8:33 a.m.
I explained that Michigan was an hour ahead of Illinois , but she couldn't understand the concept of time zones. Finally, I told her the plane went fast, and she bought that.

A New York lawmaker, (Jerrold Nadler) called and asked, "Do airlines put your physical description on your bag so they know whose luggage belongs to whom?"
I said, "No, why do you ask?"
He replied, "Well, when I checked in with the airline, they put a tag on my luggage that said (FAT), and I'm overweight. I think that's very rude!"
After putting him on hold for a minute, while I looked into it. (I was dying laughing). I came back and explained the city code for Fresno , Ca. is (FAT - Fresno Air Terminal), and the airline was just putting a destination tag on his luggage.

A Senator John Kerry aide (Lindsay Ross) called to inquire about a trip package to Hawaii . After going over all the cost info, she asked, "Would it be cheaper to fly to California and then take the train to Hawaii ?"

I just got off the phone with a freshman Congressman, Bobby Bright from Ala who asked, "How do I know which plane to get on?"
I asked him what exactly he meant, to which he replied, "I was told my flight number is 823, but none of these planes have that number on them."

Senator Dianne Feinstein called and said, "I need to fly to Pepsi-Cola, Florida . Do I have to get on one of those little computer planes?"
I asked if she meant fly to Pensacola, FL on a commuter plane.
She said, "Yeah, whatever, smarty!"

Mary Landrieu , La. Senator called and had a question about the documents she needed in order to fly to China . After a lengthy discussion about passports, I reminded her that she needed a visa. 'Oh, no I don't. I've been to China many times and never had to have one of those."
I double checked and sure enough, her stay required a visa. When I told her this she said, "Look, I've been to China four times and every time they have accepted my American Express!"

A New Jersey Congressman (John Adler) called to make reservations, "I want to go from Chicago to Rhino, New York."
I was at a loss for words. Finally, I said, "Are you sure that's the name of the town?"
"Yes, what flights do you have?" replied the man.
After some searching, I came back with, "I'm sorry, sir, I've looked up every airport code in the country and can't find a Rhino anywhere."
"The man retorted, "Oh, don't be silly! Everyone knows where it is. Check your map!"
So I scoured a map of the state of New York and finally offered, "You don't mean Buffalo, do you?"
The reply? "Whatever! I knew it was a big animal."

PROOF THAT THE WORLD IS NUTS . . .

In Lebanon men are legally allowed to have sex with animals, but the animals must be female. Having sexual relations with a male animal is punishable by death.
(Like THAT makes sense.)

In Bahrain a male doctor may legally examine a woman's genitals, but is prohibited from looking directly at them during the examination. He may only see their reflection in a mirror.
(Do they look different reversed?)

Muslims are banned from looking at the genitals of a corpse. This also applies to undertakers. The sex organs of the deceased must be covered with a brick or piece of wood at all times.
(A brick?)

The penalty for masturbation in Indonesia is decapitation.
(Much worse than 'going blind!')

There are men in Guam whose full-time job is to travel the countryside and deflower young virgins, who pay them for the privilege of having sex for the first time. Reason: under Guam law, it is expressly forbidden for virgins to marry.
(Let's just think for a minute; is there any job anywhere else in the world that even comes close to this?)

In Hong Kong , a betrayed wife is legally allowed to kill her adulterous husband, but may only do so with her bare hands.
The husband's illicit lover, on the other hand, may be killed in any manner desired.
(Ah! Justice!)

Topless saleswomen are legal in Liverpool, England - but only in tropical fish stores.
(But of course!)

In Cali, Colombia, a woman may only have sex with her husband, and the first time this happens, her mother must be in the room to witness the act.
(Makes one shudder at the thought.)

In Santa Cruz, Bolivia, it is illegal for a man to have sex with a woman and her daughter at the same time.
(I presume this was a big enough problem that they had to pass this law?)

In Maryland it is illegal to sell condoms from vending machines with one exception: Prophylactics may be dispensed from a vending machine only in places where alcoholic beverages are sold for consumption on the premises.'
(Is this a great country or what?
Well ... not as great as Guam!)

Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour.
(Who volunteers for these tests?)

The ant can lift 50 times its own weight, can pull 30 times its own weight and always falls over on its right side when intoxicated.
(From drinking little bottles of ???)
(Did our government pay for this research?)

Butterflies taste with their feet.
(Ah, geez.)

An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.
(I know some people like that.)

Starfish don't have brains.
(I know some people like that, too.)

Turtles can breathe through their butts.
(And I thought I had bad breath in the morning!)

Thank you all for reading this.
If you need to reach me in the future, I will be in Guam!

CHEAP CRACKS . . .

A pretty young gypsy girl knocked on my door and asked if I had any old clothing. I said yes but what would I get in return. She said I could play with her breasts.
I thought...That's Fair....Tit for Tat.

I'm in trouble with the wife. We were in bed naked and she asked what I would like to do most with her body.
Apparently "Identify it" wasn't the right answer.

Just said to the missus..."Hey fat gut. What do you want for Valentines Day?"
She said "Don't get f*cking lippy!"
I said "Mascara it is then!"

I woke up this morning at 8 and could smell something was wrong. I got downstairs and found the wife face down on the kitchen floor, not breathing!.
I panicked. I didn't know what to do...
Then I remembered Wetherspoons serve breakfast until 11.30.

Man shagging 30 stone woman. He says "Can we have the light switched off?" She said "Why? Do you find me repulsive?"
He said " No, the bulb is burning my arse."

News just in. There's a female ref for the United v City match. The kick off has been put back an hour so she can park her car.

Paddy got a letter in the post this morning. It landed on the floor, says on the envelope DO NOT BEND. He's still wondering how to pick it up!

I've just had a letter back from Screwfix. They said they regretted to inform me that they're not actually a sex shop.
Got the same reply from Tool Station.

What's the difference between Iron Man and Iron Woman? One's a superhero and the other is an instruction.

Under new E.U. law the word "gypo" is no longer politically correct. They have to be called (caravan utilising nomadic travellers) or C.*.N.T.S. for short.

Hi mate I don't want you to panic but I'm texting you from the casualty department. Turns out the new Dyson Ball cleaner isn't what I thought it was.

Took a dyslexic bird home last night and she ended up cooking my sock!

Had to have a blood transfusion the other day. All they had left was 2 pints of African blood, and 2 pints of Pakistani blood. It's not as bad as it sounds. I now have a 12 inch c*ck, and I am top of the housing list.

Blonde walks into a dry cleaners with a pair of stained white trousers and hands them over to the assistant. As she is heading for the door the assistant says "Thank You, Come Again" Blonde replies "No, toothpaste this time".

Just fostered a kid from a deprived area. All four cans hit him right on the back of the head.

Got a right beating last night by a 6ft 7in black bloke. All I said was, "Golly, you're tall."

Last week me and this Pakistani from work decided to have a moustache and beard growing competition. I still can't believe she won.

What have fat birds and mopeds got in common. They're both fun to ride, until some one sees you on one.

DARWIN AWARDS . . .

When his 38 caliber revolver failed to fire at his intended victim during a hold-up in Long Beach , California would-be robber James Elliot did something that can only inspire wonder. He peered down the barrel and tried the trigger again. This time it worked.

The chef at a hotel in Switzerland lost a finger in a meat cutting machine and after a little shopping around, submitted a claim to his insurance company. The company expecting negligence sent out one of its men to have a look for himself. He tried the machine and he also lost a finger.. The chef's claim was approved.

A man who shoveled snow for an hour to clear a space for his car during a blizzard in Chicago returned with his vehicle to find a woman had taken the space. Understandably, he shot her.

After stopping for drinks at an illegal bar, a Zimbabwean bus driver found that the 20 mental patients he was supposed to be transporting from Harare to Bulawayo had escaped. Not wanting to admit his incompetence, the driver went to a nearby bus stop and offered everyone waiting there a free ride. He then delivered the passengers to the mental hospital, telling the staff that the patients were very excitable and prone to bizarre fantasies.. The deception wasn't discovered for 3 days.

An American teenager was in the hospital recovering from serious head wounds received from an oncoming train. When asked how he received the injuries, the lad told police that he was simply trying to see how close he could get his head to a moving train before he was hit.

A man walked into a Louisiana Circle-K, put a $20 bill on the counter, and asked for change. When the clerk opened the cash drawer, the man pulled a gun and asked for all the cash in the register, which the clerk promptly provided. The man took the cash from the clerk and fled, leaving the $20 bill on the counter. The total amount of cash he got from the drawer... $15. [If someone points a gun at you and gives you money, is a crime committed?]

Seems an Arkansas guy wanted some beer pretty badly. He decided that he'd just throw a cinder block through a liquor store window, grab some booze, and run. So he lifted the cinder block and heaved it over his head at the window. The cinder block bounced back and hit the would-be thief on the head, knocking him unconscious. The liquor store window was made of Plexiglas. The whole event was caught on videotape.

As a female shopper exited a New York convenience store, a man grabbed her purse and ran. The clerk called 911 immediately, and the woman was able to give them a detailed description of the snatcher. Within minutes, the police apprehended the snatcher. They put him in the car and drove back to the store. The thief was then taken out of the car and told to stand there for a positive ID. To which he replied, "Yes, officer, that's her. That's the lady I stole the purse from."

The Ann Arbor News crime column reported that a man walked into a Burger King in Ypsilanti, Michigan at 5 A.M., flashed a gun, and demanded cash. The clerk turned him down because he said he couldn't open the cash register without a food order. When the man ordered onion rings, the clerk said they weren't available for breakfast ... The man, frustrated, walked away.

When a man attempted to siphon gasoline from a motor home parked on a Seattle street by sucking on a hose, he got much more than he bargained for ... Police arrived at the scene to find a very sick man curled up next to a motor home near spilled sewage. A police spokesman said that the man admitted to trying to steal gasoline, but he plugged his siphon hose into the motor home's sewage tank by mistake. The owner of the vehicle declined to press charges saying that it was the best laugh he'd ever had.

OFFICE LANGUAGE . . .

Try Saying: "I think you could  do with more training" Instead Of: "You don't have a f***ing clue, do you?"

Try Saying: "She's an aggressive go-getter." Instead Of: "She's a f***ing power-crazy b*tch"

Try Saying: "Perhaps I can work late" Instead Of: "And when the f*** do you expect me to do this?"

Try Saying: "I'm certain that isn't feasible" Instead Of: "F*** off a*sehole"

Try Saying: "Really?" Instead Of: "Well f*** me backwards with a telegraph pole"

Try Saying: "Perhaps you should check with..." Instead Of: "Tell someone who gives a f***."

Try Saying: "I wasn't involved in the project." Instead Of: "Not my f***ing problem."

Try Saying: "That's interesting." Instead Of: "What the f***?"

Try Saying: "I'm not sure this can be implemented within the given timescale." Instead Of: "No f***ing chance mate."

Try Saying: "It will be tight, but I'll try to schedule it in" Instead Of: "Why the f*** didn't you tell me that yesterday?"

Try Saying: "He's not familiar with the issues" Instead Of: "He's got his head up his f***ing a*se."

Try Saying: "Excuse me, sir?" Instead Of: "Oi, f*** face."

Try Saying: "Of course, I was only going to be at home anyway" Instead Of: "Yeah, who needs f***ing holidays anyway."

Try Saying: "I don't think it was supposed to turn out like that" Instead Of: "I see the f**k up fairy has visited again then"

Try Saying: "Sorry - I didn't quite catch that" Instead Of: "What the f**k are you wittering on about this time ?"

Try Saying: "Do you really think so?" Instead Of: "No sh*t Sherlock"

Try Saying: "Do you think that's appropriate work wear for the office ? Instead Of Have you seen the f**king state of that ?"

Try Saying: "There is a cleaner required in the lavatories" Instead Of: "I'd give that a while"

Try Saying: "He's / she's quite attractive" Instead Of: "I'd do it"

Try Saying: "He does have a tendency to procrastinate" Instead Of: "He's so f**king boring, I am losing the will to live"

Try Saying: "It's so nice to be in a busy office environment" Instead Of: "Why don't you all just shut the f**k up"

INTERESTING THINGS WHEN YOU HAVE SONS . . .

A king size waterbed holds enough water to fill a 200 m2 house to a depth of 10 cm.

If you spray hair spray on dust balls and run over them with roller blades, they can ignite.

A 3-year old boy's voice is louder than 200 adults in a crowded restaurant.

If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan, the motor is not strong enough to rotate a 20 Kg boy wearing Batman underwear and a Superman cape. It is strong enough, however, if tied to a paint can, to spread paint on all four walls of a 6m x 6m room.

You should not throw cricket balls up when the ceiling fan is on. When using a ceiling fan as a bat, you have to throw the ball up a few times before you get a hit. A ceiling fan can hit a cricket ball a long way.

The glass in windows (even double-glazed) doesn't stop a cricket ball hit by a ceiling fan.

When you hear the toilet flush and the words 'uh oh', it's already too late.

Brake fluid mixed with bleach makes smoke, and lots of it.

A six-year old Boy can start a fire with a flint rock even though a 36-year old Man says they can only do it in the movies,

Certain Lego's will pass through the digestive tract of a 4- year old Boy..

Play dough and microwave should not be used in the same sentence.

Super glue is forever.

No matter how many jelly crystals you put in a swimming pool you still can't walk on water.

Pool filters do not like jelly crystals.

VCRs do not eject 'BL&T' sandwiches even though TV commercials show they do.

Garbage bags do not make good parachutes.

Marbles in petrol tanks make lots of noise when driving.

You probably DO NOT want to know what that smell is.

Always look in the oven before you turn it on; plastic toys do not like ovens.

The fire department has a 5-minute response time.

The spin cycle on the washing machine does not make earthworms dizzy.

It will, however, make cats dizzy.

Cats throw up twice their body weight when dizzy.

MEN ARE LIKE . . .

Men are like ... Laxatives
They irritate the crap out of you.

Men are like ... Bananas
The older they get, the less firm they are.

Men are like ... Weather
Nothing can be done to change them.

Men are like ... Blenders
You need One, but you're not quite sure why.

Men are like ... Chocolate Bars
Sweet, smooth, & they usually head right for your hips.

Men are like ... Commercials
You can't believe a word they say.

Men are like ... Department Stores
Their clothes are always 1/2 off!

Men are like ... Government Bonds
They take soooooooo long to mature.

Men are like ... Mascara
They usually run at the first sign of emotion.

Men are like ... Popcorn
They satisfy you, but only for a little while.

Men are like ... Snowstorms
You never know when they're coming, how many inches you'll get or how long it will last.

Men are like ... Lava Lamps
Fun to look at, but not very bright.

Men are like ... Parking Spots
All the good ones are taken, the rest are handicapped.

SCHOOL REPORTS . . .

Since my last report, your child has reached rock bottom and has started to dig.

I would not allow this student to breed.

Your child has delusions of adequacy.

Your son is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot.

Your son sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them.

The student has a 'full six-pack' but lacks the plastic thing to hold it all together.

This child has been working with glue too much.

When your daughter's IQ reaches 50, she should sell.

The gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming.

If this student were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week.

It's impossible to believe the sperm that created this child beat out 1,000,000 others.

The wheel is turning but the hamster is definitely dead.

TOO RUDE TO TELL . . .

I was sitting watching Match of the Day when the Mrs came into the lounge and says "Fancy a shag Babe?"
I said, "After the football love."
She said, "You do realise that you can record it?"
I said, "Nice, you get the camcorder, I'll come upstairs when the footy finishes".

My girlfriend has just asked me how many women I've shagged. I said, "I really dont want to answer that love, you know I've had a past and I don't want to upset you!"
"C'mon" she said, "I can handle it!"
So I had to sit there and count them all. "1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, you, 10, 11, 12."

My Wife asked me to go to the doctor about my erection problem. She wasn't pleased when I came back and gave her some slimming pills.

A man donated blood to his wife after she was badly hurt in a car crash.
A few years later they went through a bitter divorce and he demanded his blood back!
So she threw a tampon in his face and said "There you go you miserable git, I'll pay you back monthly!"
And the moral of this story is :- Even if a woman eventually pays back what she owes a man, there will always be a string attached!

I was at a wedding reception when the dj announced "All the married men out there go and stand by the person who makes your life worth living."
The barman was crushed to death.

My missus asked me to help her stop sucking her thumb, so I drew a cock on it.

I reported a dead woman lying in a field to the police. They asked me: "How did you find her body?"
I said, "Her tits were ok, but the rigormortis had tightened her arse a bit too much for my liking."

My wife was in the bathroom for hours getting ready to go out when finally the door swung open and she said, "Honestly, do I look fat in this?"
I replied, "Yes love, but to be fair, it's only a small bathroom."

BACK IN THE PADDY FIELDS . . .

Joe says to Paddy, "Close your curtains the next time you're having sex with your wife. The whole street was watching and laughing at you yesterday."
Paddy says, "Well the joke's on them, 'cos Oi wasn't even at home yesterday."

Mick walks into Paddy's barn and catches him dancing naked and playing with himself in front of a tractor.
Mick says, "Jaysus Paddy, what're ye doing?"
Paddy says, "Well me and Mary haven't been gettin' on in the bedroom lately & the therapist recommended Oi do something sexy to attracter."

Paddy says to Mick, "Oi'm ready for a holiday, only this year Oi'm going to do it a bit different. Tree years ago Oi went to Spain and Mary got pregnant. Two years ago Oi went to Italy and Mary got pregnant. Last year Oi went to Majorca and Mary got pregnant."
Mick asks, "So what are you going to do this year?"
Paddy replies, "Oi'll take her wit' me!"

Paddy goes to America for the 1st time, walking up 5th Avenue. He sees a building on fire and rushes over to see people stuck at the 4th floor windows. He shouts up, "Oi'm Paddy-John Dara O'Neill, the Oirish rugby player! Jump and Oi'll catch ye's".
A girl jumps out and Paddy catches her, a guy jumps and Paddy gets him too. Then a black guy jumps and Paddy lets him hit the concrete, then shouts up, "Come on now folks, there's no point t'rowin down the burnt ones!"

Paddy says to Mick, "Christmas is on a Friday this year."
Mick says, "Let's hope it's not the 13th."

Paddy & Mick find three hand grenades, so they take them to a police station.
Mick: "What if one explodes, before we get there?"
Paddy: "We'll lie and say we only found two."

Paddy's in the bathroom and Murphy shouts to him, "Did you find the shampoo?"
Paddy says, "Yes but it's for dry hair and Oi've just feckin' wet mine."

MORE RUDE STUFF . . .

I was devastated to find out my wife was having an affair, but by turning to religion I was soon able to come to terms with the whole thing. I converted to Islam, and we're stoning her in the morning!

The wife suggested I get myself one of those dick enlargers, so I did.... she's 21 and her name's Lucy.

Went to the pub with my girlfriend last night. Locals were shouting paedo and other names at me just because my girlfriend is 21 and I'm 50. It completely spoilt our 10th anniversary.

The thing I love most about this hot weather is the short skirts and low cut tops. Although they do make me look a bit gay.

Following the tragic death of the Human Cannonball at the Sydney Show, a spokesman said "We'll struggle to get another man of the same calibre."

My son was thrown out of school today for letting a girl in his class give him a hand-job. I said "Son, that's three schools this year. You want to stop before you're banned from teaching altogether."

Q: What's the difference between a blond and a brick?
A: The brick doesn't follow you home after you lay it.

Remember the 7 qualities for the perfect girlfriend - Beautiful, Intelligent, Gentle, Thoughtful, Innocent, Trustworthy, Sensible.
Or in other words ... B.I.G.T.I.T.S.

Just been to the gym. They've got a new machine in. Only used it for half an hour as I started to feel sick. It's great though. It does everything - KitKats, Mars Bars, Snickers, Crisps, the lot.

Prince William said he didn't want the traditional fruit cake at his wedding. Prince Philip told him he didn't give a toss, he was still going.

The cost of living has now got so bad that my wife is having sex with me because she can't afford batteries!

Some bastard's just pinched a pair of my wife's knickers off the washing line. She's not bothered about the knickers but she wants the 12 pegs back.

MEN ARE JUST HAPPIER PEOPLE . . .

NICKNAMES
If Laura, Kate and Sarah go out for lunch, they will call each other Laura, Kate and Sarah.
If Mike, Dave and John go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Bubba and Wildman.

EATING OUT
When the bill arrives, Mike, Dave and John will each throw in £20, even though it's only for £32.50. None of them will have anything smaller and none will actually admit they want change back.
When the girls get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.

MONEY
A man will pay £2 for a £1 item he needs.
A woman will pay £1 for a £2 item that she doesn't need but it's on sale.

BATHROOMS
A man has six items in his bathroom: toothbrush and toothpaste, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel.
The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 337. A man would not be able to identify more than 20 of these items.

ARGUMENTS
A woman has the last word in any argument.
Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

FUTURE
A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

MARRIAGE
A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, but she does.

DRESSING UP
A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the trash, answer the phone, read a book, and get the mail.
A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.

NATURAL
Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.
Women somehow deteriorate during the night.

OFFSPRING
Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and romances, best friends, favorite foods, secret fears and hopes and dreams.
A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.

THOUGHT FOR THE DAY
A married man should forget his mistakes.
There's no use in two people remembering the same thing!

DREADFUL BRITISH PUNS . . .

My wife was counting all the pennies out on the kitchen table when she suddenly got very angry and started shouting and crying for no reason. I thought to myself, "She's going through the change."

When I was in the pub I heard a couple of blokes saying that they wouldn't feel safe on an aircraft if they knew the pilot was a woman. What a pair of nutters. I mean, it's not as if she'd have to reverse the bloody thing!

Local Police hunting the 'knitting needle nutter' who has stabbed six people in the backside in the last 48 hours, believe the attacker could be following a pattern.

Bought some 'rocket salad' yesterday but it went off before I could eat it!

A teddy bear is working on a building site. He goes for a tea break and when he returns he notices his pick has gone missing. The bear is angry and reports the theft to the foreman. The foreman grins at the bear and says "Oh, I forgot to tell you, today's the day the teddy bears have their pick nicked."

Murphy says to Paddy "What ya talkin to an envelope for?" "I'm sending a voicemail ya thick head!"

Just got back from my mate's funeral. He died after being hit on the head with a tennis ball. It was a perfect service.

BEST SHORT LETTERS . . .

Dear Twilight fans,
Please realize that because vampires are dead and have no blood pumping through them, they can never get an erection. Enjoy fantasizing about that.
Sincerely,
Logic

Dear Icebergs,
Sorry to hear about the global warming. Karma's a bitch.
Sincerely,
The Titanic

Dear 2010,
So I hear the best rapper is white and the president is black? WTF happened?
Sincerely,
1985

Dear girls who have been dumped,
There are plenty of fish in the sea... Just kidding! They're mostly dead.
Sincerely,
BP Oil

Dear Saturn,
I liked it, so I put a ring on it.
Sincerely,
God

Dear Fox News,
So far, no news about foxes.
Sincerely,
Unimpressed

Dear Skin-Colored Band Aids,
Please make one for every skin color.
Sincerely,
Black Folks

Dear Scissors,
I feel your pain ... no one wants to run with me either.
Sincerely,
Sarah Palin

Dear Customers,
Yes, we ARE making fun of you in Vietnamese.
Sincerely,
Nail Salon Ladies

Dear Ugly People,
You're welcome.
Sincerely,
Alcohol

Dear World,
Please stop freaking out about 2012. Our calendar ends there because
some Spanish dirtbags invaded our country and we got a little busy, ok?
Sincerely,
The Mayans

Dear White People,
Don't you just hate immigrants?
Sincerely,
Native Americans

Dear iPhone,
Please stop spellchecking all of my rude words into nice words.
You piece of shut.
Sincerely,
Every iPhone User

Dear Man,
It's cute, but can you pick up peanuts with it?
Sincerely,
The Elephants

PUNS FOR THE EDUCATED . . .

King Ozymandias of Assyria was running low on cash after years of war with the Hittites. His last great possession was the Star of the Euphrates, the most valuable diamond in the ancient world.
Desperate, he went to Croesus, the pawnbroker, to ask for a loan. Croesus said, "I'll give you 100,000 dinars for it."
"But I paid a million dinars for it," the King protested.
"Don't you know who I am? I am the king!"
Croesus replied, "When you wish to pawn a Star, makes no difference who you are."

Evidence has been found that William Tell and his family were avid bowlers. Unfortunately, all the Swiss League records were destroyed in a fire ... and so we'll never know for whom the Tells bowled.

A man rushed into a busy doctor's surgery and shouted, "Doctor! I think I'm shrinking!"
The doctor calmly responded, "Now, settle down. You'll just have to be a little patient."

An Indian chief was feeling very sick, so he summoned the medicine man. After a brief examination, the medicine man took out a long, thin strip of elk rawhide and gave it to the chief, telling him to bite off, chew, and swallow one inch of the leather every day. After a month, the medicine man returned to see how the chief was feeling. The chief shrugged and said, "The thong is ended, but the malady lingers on."

A famous Viking explorer returned home from a voyage and found his name missing from the town register. His wife insisted on complaining to the local civic official, who apologized profusely saying, "I must have taken Leif off my census."

There were three Indian squaws. One slept on a deer skin, one slept on an elk skin, and the third slept on a hippopotamus skin. All three became pregnant. The first two each had a baby boy. The one who slept on the hippopotamus skin had twin boys. This just goes to prove that ... the squaw of the hippopotamus is equal to the sons of the squaws of the other two hides.

A sceptical anthropologist was cataloguing South American folk remedies with the assistance of a tribal elder who indicated that the leaves of a particular fern were a sure cure for any case of constipation. When the anthropologist expressed his doubts, the elder looked him in the eye and said, "Let me tell you, with fronds like these, you don't need enemas."

REVIEW OF 2012 . . .

To commemorate the release of the topless photos of Kate Middleton, Royal Doulton will be releasing a Collector's Edition of two small jugs.

Seven wheelchair athletes have been banned from the next Paralympics after they tested positive for WD40.

A mummy covered in chocolate and nuts has been discovered in Egypt. Archaeologists believe it may be Pharaoh Roché.

Just a reminder to those who stole electrical goods in last year's riots. Your one year manufacturer's warranty runs out soon.

"IT'S A BOY" I shouted "A BOY, I DON'T BELIEVE IT, IT'S A BOY" and with tears streaming down my face I swore I'd never visit another Thai brothel!

Two junkies accidentally snorted curry powder instead of cocaine. They're both in hospital. One's in a korma and the other's got a dodgy tikka!

In the first few days of the 2012 Olympic Games, the Romanians took gold, silver, bronze, copper, lead and anything else they could get their bloody hands on.

The 100m final at the 2012 Olympics was just like any other Friday night in Brixton. You heard a gunshot followed by eight black guys legging it!

Ireland failed to gain a medal in water polo because their horses drowned.

Canada did not win a medal in the pool because the ice was too slushy!

Sailing results are just in; Team GB took gold, the USA took silver and Somalia took a middle aged couple from Weymouth.

The wife's got a pair of Union Jack knickers. I call them her Belfast pants as every time I take them down there's a violent protest.

HORSEBURGERS . . .

Following on from the Tesco horse DNA scandal it is now being reported that Primark has found Cameltoe in a pair of leggings.

German supermarket chain changes their brand tag line in wake of horse meat incident. "My Lidl Pony" has been met with uproar.

Had a horse burger last night, gave me the trotts....

Went into my freezer last night to check my burgers. Aaaaaaannnnnnnd they're off!

Checked the nutritional value on my value burgers. Good thing is they are low in fat. However they are high in shergar.

Lidl have re-branded all of their hotdogs to Franklefurters.

Ordered a burger yesterday and was asked if I would like anything on it, so I stuck a tenner on each way.

I was taken ill after eating a burger. I am ok now. You could say I am in a stable condition.

PUNOGRAPHY . . .

I tried to catch some fog. I mist.

When chemists die they barium.

Jokes about German sausage are wurst.

A soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.

I know a guy who's addicted to brake fluid. He says he can stop anytime.

How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it.

I stayed up all night to see where the sun went. Then it dawned on me.

This girl said she recognised me from the vegetarian club but I'd never met herbivore.

I'm reading a book about antigravity. I can't put it down.

They told me I had type A blood but it was a typo.

A dyslexic man walked into a bra.

PMS jokes aren't funny. Period.

Why were the Indians here first? Because they had reservations.

Class visit to the Coka Cola factory. I hope there's no pop quiz.

Energiser bunny arrested: Charged with battery.

I didn't like my beard at first. Then it grew on me.

How do you make holy water? Boil the hell out of it.

What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary? A Thesaurus.

When you get a bladder infection, urine trouble.

What does a clock do when it's hungry? It goes back four seconds.

I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me.

Broken pencils are pointless.

I did a theatrical performance about puns. It was a play on words.

A LAUGH OR TWO . . .

Now on sale at IKEA - LESBIAN beds, no nuts or screwing involved, it's all tongue and groove.

A Muslim has been shot in the head with a starting pistol; police say it's definitely race related.

Due to a water shortage in Ireland , Dublin swimming baths have announced they are closing lanes 7 and 8.

I got a letter from Screw Fix Direct thanking me for my interest, but explaining they were not a dating agency.

Paddy thought his new girlfriend might be the one but after looking through her underwear drawer and finding a nurse's outfit, a French maids outfit, and a police womans uniform, he finally decided if she can't hold down a job, she's not for him.

Paddy was doing some roofing work for Murphy. Near the top of the ladder he started shaking and going dizzy. He called down to Murphy "I tink I will have to go home, I've come all over giddy and feel sick." Murphy asks "Ave y' got vertigo?" Paddy replies "No I only live round the corner."

After 100 years lying on the sea bed, Irish divers were amazed to find that the Titanics swimming pool was still full.

CONFUCIUS DID NOT SAY . . .

Man who wants pretty nurse, must be patient.

Passionate kiss, like spider web, leads to undoing of fly.

Lady who goes camping must beware of evil intent.

Squirrel who runs up woman's leg will not find nuts.

Man who leaps off cliff jumps to conclusion.

Man who runs in front of car gets tired. Man who runs behind car gets exhausted.

Man who eats many prunes get good run for money.

War does not determine who is right, it determines who is left.

Man who fight with wife all day get no piece at night.

It takes many nails to build a crib but only one screw to fill it.

Man who drives like hell is bound to get there.

Man who stands on toilet is high on pot.

Wise man not keep sledge hammer and slow computer in same room.

Man who live in glass house should change clothes in basement.

Man who fish in other man's well often catch crabs.

A lion will not cheat on his wife, but a Tiger Wood!

Thomas Cook Holidays complaints . . .

I think it should be explained in the brochure that the local store does not sell proper biscuits like custard creams or ginger nuts.

It's lazy of the local shopkeepers to close in the afternoons. I often needed to buy things during 'siesta' time - this should be banned.

On my holiday to Goa in India, I was disgusted to find that almost every restaurant served curry. I don't like spicy food at all.

We booked an excursion to a water park but no-one told us we had to bring our swimming costumes and towels.

The beach was too sandy.

We found the sand was not like the sand in the brochure. Your brochure shows the sand as yellow but it was white.

Topless sunbathing on the beach should be banned. The holiday was ruined as my husband spent all day looking at other women.

No-one told us there would be fish in the sea. The children were startled.

There was no egg slicer in the apartment.

We went on holiday to Spain and had a problem with the taxi drivers as they were all Spanish.

The roads were uneven.

It took us nine hours to fly home from Jamaica to England. It only took the Americans three hours to get home.

I compared the size of our one-bedroom apartment to our friends' three-bedroom apartment and ours was significantly smaller.

The brochure stated: 'No hairdressers at the accommodation'. We're trainee hairdressers - will we be OK staying there?

There are too many Spanish people. The receptionist speaks Spanish. The food is Spanish. Too many foreigners now live abroad.

We had to queue outside with no air conditioning.

It is your duty as a tour operator to advise us of noisy or unruly guests before we travel.

I was bitten by a mosquito, no-one said they could bite.

My fiance and I booked a twin-bedded room but we were placed in a double-bedded room. We now hold you responsible for the fact that I find myself pregnant. This would not have happened if you had put us in the room that we booked.

Best two liners . . .

Parallel lines have so much in common.
It's a shame they'll never meet.

My wife accused me of being immature.
I told her to get our of my fort.

Women only call me ugly until they find out how much money I make.
Then they call me ugly and poor.

How many Germans does it take to screw in a light bulb?
One, they're efficient and not very funny.

What do you call a dog with no legs?
It doesn't matter; it's not going to come.

Someone stole my Microsoft Office and they're gonna pay.
You have my Word.

What's green and fuzzy and it it fell our of a tree it would kill you?
A pool table.

Apparently someone in London gets stabbed every 52 seconds.
Poor bastard.

How do you find Will Smith in the snow?
Look for the fresh prints.

I went to a really emotional wedding the other day.
Even the cake was in tiers.

We have a genetic disposition for diarrhoea.
Runs in out jeans.

I physicist sees a young man about to jump off the Empire State Building.
He yells "Don't do it! You have so much potential!"

A hot blonde orders a double entendre at the bar.
The bartender gives it to her.

Want to hear a word I just made up?
Plagiarism.

Why do cows wear bells?
Because their horns don't work.

What did the pirate say when he turned 80?
Aye Matey.

To the handicapped guy who stole my bag ...
You can hide but you can't run.

I took the shell of my racing snail to make him run faster.
If anything it made him more sluggish.

How do you think the unthinkable?
With an itheberg.

Someone stole my mood ring.
I don't know how I feel about that.

Whoever stole my antidepressants...
I hope you're happy now!

I tried to catch fog yesterday.
Mist.

Why does a chicken coop have two doors?
If it had four doors it would be a sedan.

I told my wife she was drawing her eyebrows too high.
She looked surprised.

Hello - Operator . . .

Caller: "I've been calling 0800-1700 for two days and can't get through; can you help?"
Operator: "Where did you get that number, sir?"
Caller: "It's on the door of their business."
Operator: "Sir, those are the hours that they are open."

Samsung Electronics
Caller: "Can you give me the telephone number for Jack?"
Operator: "I'm sorry, sir, I don't understand who you are talking about."
Caller: "On page 1, section 5, of the user guide it clearly states that I need to unplug the fax machine from the AC wall socket and telephone Jack before cleaning. Now, can you give me the number for Jack?"
Operator: "I think it means the telephone plug on the wall."

RAC Motoring Services
Caller: "Does your European Breakdown Policy cover me when I am traveling in Australia ?"
Operator: "Does the policy name give you a clue?"

Caller; (inquiring about legal requirements while traveling in Europe)
"If I register my car in France, and then take it to England, do I have to change the steering wheel to the other side of the car?"

Directory Inquiries
Caller: "I'd like the number of the Argo Fish Bar, please"
Operator: "I'm sorry, there's no listing. Are you sure that the spelling is correct?"
Caller: "Well, it used to be called the Bargo Fish Bar but the 'B' fell off."

Then there was the caller who asked for a knitwear company in Woven.
Operator: "Woven? Are you sure?"
Caller: "Yes.. That's what it says on the label -- Woven in Scotland."

On another occasion, a man making heavy breathing sounds from a phone box told a worried operator:
"I haven't got a pen, so I'm steaming up the window to write the number on."

Tech Support: "I need you to right-click on the Open Desktop."
Customer: "OK."
Tech Support: "Did you get a pop-up menu?"
Customer: "No."
Tech Support: "OK. Right-Click again. Do you see a pop-up menu?"
Customer: "No."
Tech Support: "OK, sir. Can you tell me what you have done up until this point?"
Customer: "Sure. You told me to write 'click' and I wrote 'click' ."

Tech Support: "At the bottom left hand side of your screen, can you see the 'OK' button displayed?"
Customer: "Wow! How can you see my screen from there?"

Caller: "I deleted a file from my PC last week and I just realized that I need it. So, if I turn my system clock back two weeks will I get my file back again?"