We found a few more jokes for 2018 thanks to friends sending them in.
Nineteen past club members went to the cinema. The ticket lady asked "Why so many of you?"
I replied, "The film said 18 or over."
My daughter asked me for a pet spider for her birthday, so I went to our local pet shop and they were £70!
Blow this, I thought, I can get one cheaper off the web.
I waunt to apply for the secritary job I seen in the Paper. I can type real kwik wit one finggar and do Sum Acounting 2.
I think I am good on the fone and I am a pepole Person. Pepole really seam to respond goodly to me.
I'm lookin for a jobb as a secritary but it Kant be 2 complikaited.
My spelling is not 2 good but find that I awfin get a job Bcuz of my persinalety.
My salerery is open so we can discus wat you want To pay me and wat you think that I am wurth, I can start imeditely.
Thank you in advanse 4 yore Anser.
Hopifuly I M Yore best aplicant so phar.
Peggy May McBiggins
PS : I half includeded a pickture of me B low.
Dear Peggy May:
Start on Monday.
We have spell check.
Two businessmen who were opening a new store in a new shopping mall were sitting down for a break in their soon-to-be new shop.
As the shop wasn't ready yet, they only had a few shelves set up.
One said to the other, "I bet any minute now some pensioner is going to pass by, put their face to the window, and ask what we're selling."
No sooner were the words out of his mouth when, sure enough, the Embers, pushing their bicycles along the street, paused at the window, had a peek, and asked ...
"What are you selling here?"
One of the men replied sarcastically, "We're selling ass-holes."
Without skipping a beat one old guy said, "Must be doing well... Only two left!"
Lesson: Don't mess with old folk!
Three contractors were bidding to refurbish the fence at 10 Downing Street. One was from Birmingham, another from Liverpool and the third some bloke from London.
All three went with a Downing Street official to examine the fence. The Brummie took out a tape measure and pencil, did some measuring then worked out some figures with his pencil.
"Well," he said, "I figure the job will run about £900, £400 for materials. £400 for my crew and £100 profit for me."
The Scouse contractor also did some measuring and figuring.
"I can do this job for £700. £300 for materials, £200 for my crew and £200 profit for me."
The bloke from London didn't bother to measure or figure. He leaned over to the Downing Street official and whispered "£2,700."
The official, incredulous, said, "You didn't even measure like the others. How did you come up with such a high figure?"
The bloke whispered back "£1000 for me, £1000 for you and we hire the guy from Liverpool to do the job."
"Done!" replied the official.
And that is how Carillion was born.
A man spoke to each of his three sons when he sent them off to college. "It's my duty to provide you with the best possible education and you do not owe me anything for that. However, I want you to appreciate it. As a token, please each put £1,000 into my coffin when I die."
His sons became a doctor, a lawyer and a financial planner, each very successful financially. When their father's time had come and they saw their father in the coffin, they remembered his wish.
The doctor put 20 crisp £50 notes onto the coffin. Then, the financial planner put £1,000 there in 50 crisp £20 notes.
Finally, it was the turn of the heartbroken lawyer. He reached into his pocket, pulled out his chequebook, wrote a cheque for £3,000, put it into his father's coffin and took the £2,000 cash.
The lawyer is now running for Parliament, possibly in your constituency.
While riding my motorcycle I swerved to avoid hitting a deer, lost control and landed in a ditch, severely banging my head. Dazed and confused I crawled out of the ditch to the edge of the road when a shiny new convertible pulled up with a very beautiful woman who asked "Are you okay?"
As I looked up, I noticed she was wearing a low cut blouse with cleavage to die for.
"I'm okay, I think," I replied as I pulled myself up to the side of the car to get a closer look.
She said, "Get in and I'll take you home so I can clean and bandage that nasty scrape on your head."
"That's nice of you," I answered, "but I don't think my wife will like me doing that!"
"Oh, come now, I'm a nurse," she insisted. "I need to see if you have any more scrapes and then treat them properly."
Well, she was really pretty and very persuasive. Being sort of shaken and weak, I agreed, but repeated, "I'm sure my wife won't like this."
We arrived at her place which was just few miles away and, after a couple of cold beers and the bandaging, I thanked her and said, "I feel a lot better, but I know my wife is going to be really upset, so I'd better go now."
"Don't be silly!" she said with a smile, while unbuttoning her blouse exposing the most beautiful set of breasts I've ever seen. "Stay for a while. She won't know anything. By the way, where is she?"
"Still in the ditch with my motorbike, I guess."
An 80 year old woman was arrested for shop lifting. When she went before the judge he asked her, "What did you steal?"
She replied, "A can of peaches."
The judge then asked her why she had stolen the can of peaches and she replied that she was hungry.
The judge then asked her how many peaches were in the can.
She replied "Six."
The judge then said, "I will then give you six days in jail."
Before the judge could actually pronounce the punishment the woman's husband spoke up and asked the judge if he could say something.
The judge said, "What is it?"
The husband said, "She also stole a can of peas."
We were dressed and ready to go out for a dinner for the evening. We turned on a 'night light', turned the answering machine on, covered our pet parrot and put the cat in the garden. We phoned the local company for a taxi.
The taxi arrived and we opened the front door to leave the house. As we walked out the door, the cat we had put out shot back into the house. We didn't want the cat shut in the house because she always tries to eat the parrot. My wife walked on out to the taxi, while I went back inside to get the cat.
The cat ran upstairs, with me in hot pursuit.
Waiting in the car, my wife didn't want the driver to know that the house would be empty for the night, so she explained to the taxi driver that I would be out soon. "He's just going upstairs to say good-bye to my mother".
A few minutes later, I got into the car. "Sorry I took so long", I said, as we drove away. "That stupid bitch was hiding under the bed and I had to poke her arse with a coat hanger to get her to come out. She tried to take off, so I grabbed her by the neck. Then, I had to wrap her in a blanket to keep her from scratching me. But it worked, so I hauled her downstairs and threw her out. She'd better not crap in the vegetable garden again!"
The silence in the taxi was deafening.
TEXT TO NEIGHBOUR:
I've been riddled with guilt for a few months and have been trying to get up the courage to tell you face-to-face. At least I'm telling you in this text and I can't live with myself a minute longer without you knowing about this. The truth is that when you're not around I've been sharing your wife, day and night. In fact, probably much more than you. I haven't been getting it at home recently and I know that that's no excuse. The temptation was just too great. I can't live with the guilt and hope you'll accept my sincere apology and forgive me. Please suggest a fee for usage and I'll pay you.
Fred, feeling so angered and betrayed, grabbed his gun and shot Richard, killing him. He went back home and poured himself a stiff drink and sat down on the sofa. Fred then looked at his phone and discovered a second text message from Richard.
SECOND TEXT MESSAGE:
Hi, Fred Richard here again. Sorry about the typo on my last text. I expect you figured it out and noticed that the damned Auto-Correct had changed "wi-fi" to "wife." Technology, huh? It'll be the death of us all.
One of our old Embers loves to fish.
He was sitting in his boat the other day when he heard a voice say, "Pick me up."
He looked around and couldn't see anyone.
He thought he was dreaming when he heard the voice say again, "Pick me up."
He looked in the water and there, floating on the top, was a frog.
The man said, "Are you talking to me?"
The frog said, "Yes, I'm talking to you. Pick me up, then kiss me and I'll turn into the most beautiful woman you have ever seen. I'll make sure that all your friends are envious and jealous, because I will be your bride!"
The man looked at the frog for a short time, reached over, picked it up carefully and placed it in his shirt pocket.
The frog said, "What, are you nuts? Didn't you hear what I said? I said, Kiss me, and I will be your beautiful bride."
He opened his pocket, looked at the frog and said, "Nah, at my age, I'd rather have a talking frog."
A man was looking for a place to sit in a crowded university library. He asked a girl: "Do you mind if I sit beside you?"
The girl replied, in a loud voice "NO, I DON'T WANT TO SPEND THE NIGHT WITH YOU!"
All the people in the library started staring at the man, who was deeply embarrassed and moved to another table.
After a couple of minutes, the girl walked quietly to the man's table and said with a laugh: "I study psychology, and I know what a man is thinking; I bet you felt embarrassed, right?"
The man responded in a loud voice: "£500 FOR ONE NIGHT? ... I'M NOT PAYING YOU THAT MUCH!"
All the people in the library looked at the girl in shock.
The man whispered to her: "I study law and I know how to screw people."
A couple from a circus went to an adoption agency, but social workers were doubtful about their accommodation.
So they produced photos of their 15 metre long caravan, the back half of which is a beautifully equipped nursery.
The social workers were then doubtful about the education that would be provided.
"We've employed an Oxford don who'll teach the child all the subjects along with Mandarin and ICT skills".
There were then doubts expressed about the child's healthy upbringing.
"Our full time nanny is an expert in paediatric welfare and diet", they replied.
So the social workers are finally satisfied and ask what age of child they were looking for.
"It doesn't really matter," they said, "as long as he fits in the cannon."
A wily biker saved his girlfriend's phone number on his mobile as 'Low Battery'.
Whenever she calls him, in his absence, his wife takes the phone and plugs it into the charger.
Give that man a medal.
Two Thai girls asked me if I'd like to go bed with them; they said it would be just like winning Lotto!
I agreed, and they were right.
We all stripped off, and to my horror, we had six matching balls!
An Oz drover walked into a bar with a pet crocodile by his side. He put the crocodile up on the bar and turned to the astonished patrons.
"I'll make you a deal. I'll open this crocodile's mouth and place my manhood inside. Then the croc will close his mouth for one minute. Then he'll open his mouth and I'll remove my unit unscathed. In return for witnessing this spectacle, each of you will buy me a drink."
The crowd murmured their approval.
The man stood up on the bar, dropped his trousers and placed his Johnson and related parts in the crocodile's open mouth.
The croc closed his mouth as the crowd gasped.
After a minute, the man grabbed a beer bottle and smacked the crocodile hard on the top of its head.
The croc opened his mouth and the man removed his tackle unscathed as promised.
The crowd cheered, and the first of his free drinks was delivered.
The drover stood up again and made another offer.
"I'll pay anyone $100 who's willing to give it a try!"
A BSA owner at the back of the bar put up his hand.
"Me, me! Pick me! ...
",.. just don't hit me so hard with the beer bottle!"
A government survey has shown that 91 percent of illegal immigrants come to the UK so that they can see their own doctor.
If you get an email telling you that you can catch swine flu from tins of ham, delete it.
A Scot was drinking in a bar in London when he received a call on his mobile phone. He ordered drinks for everybody in the bar as he announced his wife had just produced a typical Scottish baby boy weighing 25 pounds.
Nobody believed that any new baby could weigh in at 25 pounds, but the man just shrugged, "That's about average up our way, folks. Like I said - my boy's a typical Highland baby boy."
Two weeks later the man returned to the bar. The bartender said, "Say, you're the father of that typical Scottish baby that weighed 25 pounds at birth, aren't you? Everybody's been making bets about how big he'd be in two weeks. So how much does he weigh now?"
The proud father answered, "Seventeen pounds."
The bartender was puzzled and concerned. "What happened? He was 25 pounds the day he was born."
The father took a slow swig from his Johnny Walker whisky, wiped his lips on his shirt sleeve, leaned into the bartender and proudly said...
"Had him circumcised."
A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced ten husbands.
On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle, I'm still a virgin."
"What?" said the puzzled groom. "How can that be if you've been married ten times?"
"Well, husband #1 was a sales representative, he kept telling me how great it was going to be but never delivered.
"Husband #2 was in software services, he was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he'd look into it and get back to me.
"Husband #3 was a Leicester Phoenix MCC member and all he wanted to ride a was his lousy motorbike.
"Husband #4 was in telemarketing, even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver.
"Husband #5 was an engineer, he understood the basic process but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method.
"Husband #6 was from finance and administration, he thought he knew how, but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not.
"Husband #7 was in marketing, although he had a nice product, he was never sure how to position it.
"Husband #8 was a psychologist, all he ever did was talk about it.
"Husband #9 was a gynaecologist, all he did was look at it.
"Husband #10 was a stamp collector, all he ever did was ... God! I miss him!
"But now that I've married you, I'm really excited!"
"Good," said her new husband, "but why?"
"You're a lawyer. This time I know I'm gonna get screwed!"
An Englishman, a Frenchman, a Spaniard and a German were standing watching a street performer doing some juggling. The juggler noticed that the four gentlemen had a poor view, so he stood on a large wooden box and called out "Can you all see me now?"
I read that 415,323 people got married last year. Not to cause any trouble but...
... shouldn't that be an even number?
When wearing a bikini, women reveal 90% of their body.
Men are so polite they only look at the covered parts.
My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance.
We'll see about that!
I think my neighbour is stalking me.
She's been Googling my name on her computer.
I saw it through my telescope last night.
Relationships are a lot like algebra.
Have you ever looked at your X and wondered Y?
Gladys' son e-mailed her to ask why she didn't do something useful with her time.
"Like sitting around playing on my computer is not a good thing?" She asked.
He said he was "only thinking of you", and suggested that she go down to the Senior Centre and hang out with the men. So she did and when Gladys got home last night she e-mailed her son and told him that she had joined a Parachute Club.
He replied, "Are you nuts? You are 70 years old and now you're going to start jumping out of aeroplanes?"
Gladys told him that she even got a Membership Card and e-mailed a copy to him.
He immediately telephoned and yelled, "Good grief, Mom, where are your glasses?
"This is a Membership to a Prostitute Club, not a Parachute Club!"
"Oh man, I'm in trouble again," she said, "I really don't know what to do. I signed up for five jumps a week!"
The line went quiet and his wife picked up the phone and told Gladys that her son had fainted.
Life as a Senior Citizen does not get any easier, but sometimes it can be fun ...
A customer asked, "In what aisle could I find the Irish sausage?"
The assistant asked, "Are you Irish?"
The guy, clearly offended, said, "Yes I am. But let me ask you something. If I had asked for Italian sausage, would you ask me if I'm Italian?
"Or if I had asked for German Bratwurst, would you ask me if I'm German? Or if I asked for a kosher hot dog would you ask me if I'm Jewish?
"Or if I had asked for a Taco, would you ask if I'm Mexican? Or if I asked for Polish sausage, would you ask if I'm Polish?"
The assistant replied, "No, I probably wouldn't."
The guy said, "Well then, just because I asked for Irish sausage, why did you ask me if I'm Irish?"
The assistant replied, "Because you're in Halfords."
If you think nobody cares whether you're alive, try missing a couple of payments.
It's a new word to add to your vocabulary. Especially useful for us senior folk.
Exhaustipated: meaning "too tired to give a shit".
An old physician, Doctor Gordon Geezer, became very bored in retirement and decided to re-open a medical clinic.
He put a sign up outside that said: "Dr Geezer's clinic. Get your treatment for $500 - if not cured, get back $1,000."
Doctor Digger Young, who was positive that this old geezer didn't know beans about medicine, thought this would be a great opportunity to get $1,000. So he went to Dr Geezer's clinic.
Dr Young: "Dr Geezer, I have lost all taste in my mouth. Can you please help me?"
Dr Geezer: "Nurse, please bring medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops in Dr Young's mouth."
Dr Young: 'Aaagh! -- This is Gasoline!"
Dr Geezer: "Congratulations! You've got your taste back. That will be $500."
Dr Young got annoyed and went back after a couple of days figuring to recover his money.
Dr Young: "I have lost my memory, I cannot remember anything."
Dr Geezer: "Nurse, please bring medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops in the patient's mouth."
Dr Young: "Oh, no you don't - that is Gasoline!"
Dr Geezer: "Congratulations! You've got your memory back. That will be $500."
Dr Young (after having lost $1000) left angrily and came back after several more days.
Dr Young: "My eyesight has become weak - I can hardly see anything!"
Dr Geezer: "Well, I don't have any medicine for that so, "Here's your $1000 back" (giving him a $10 bill).
Dr Young: "But this is only $10!"
Dr Geezer: "Congratulations! You got your vision back! That will be $500."
Moral of story - Just because you're "Young" doesn't mean that you can outsmart an "old Geezer"
Remember: Don't make old people mad. We don't like being old in the first place, so it doesn't take much to piss us off.
We don't have a Foz Spot this week but we did make a rare addition to our Foz Lists.
This one from Ken Wells is entitled "Hello - Operator" and is the 123rd of the series. Click the link at the bottom of the list to go to the full index and we'll see you next week.
The frequency of sexual activity of senior males depends on where they were born.
Statistics just released from British Board of Health revealed that:
British men between 60 and 80 years of age, will on average, have sex two to three times per week, whereas Japanese men, in exactly the same age group, will have sex only once or twice per year if they are lucky.
This has been very upsetting news to Embers as none of us had any idea we were Japanese!
In a Chicago hospital, a gentleman had made several attempts to get into the men's restroom, but it had always been occupied. A nurse noticed his predicament.
"Sir," she said "You may use the ladies room if you promise not to touch any of the buttons on the wall."
He did what he needed to and, as he sat there, he noticed the buttons he had promised not to touch.
Each button was identified by letters: WW, WA, PP, and a red one labelled ATR.
Who would know if he touched them?
He couldn't resist. He pushed WW and warm water was sprayed gently upon his bottom.
"What a nice feeling," he thought. "Men's restrooms don't have nice things like this."
Anticipating greater pleasure, he pushed the WA button. Warm air replaced the warm water, gently drying his underside.
When this stopped, he pushed the PP button. A large powder puff caressed his bottom adding a fragile scent of spring flowers to this unbelievable pleasure.
When the powder puff was complete he couldn't wait to push the ATR button which he knew would be supreme ecstasy.
Next thing he knew he was in a hospital bed and a nurse was staring down at him.
"What happened?" he exclaimed. "The last thing I remember was pushing the ATR button."
"The ATR button is an Automatic Tampon Remover. Your penis is under your pillow."
As a bagpiper, Jock played many gigs. Recently he was asked by a funeral director to play at a graveside service for a homeless man. He had no family or friends, so the service was to be at a pauper's cemetery in the countryside.
As Jock was not familiar with the area he got lost and, being a typical man, wouldn't ask for directions.
He finally arrived an hour late and saw the funeral guy had evidently gone and the hearse was nowhere in sight. There were only the diggers and crew left and they were eating lunch. He felt badly and apologized to the men for being late.
He then went to the side of the grave and looked down where the vault lid was already in place. He didn't know what else to do, so he started to play.
The workers put down their lunches and began to gather around. He played out his heart and soul for this man with no family and friends. He played like he'd never played before for this homeless man. And as he played "Amazing Grace", the workers began to weep. They wept, he wept, they all wept together.
When he finished, he packed up his bagpipes and started for his car. His head was hung low and his heart was full.
As he opened the door to his car he heard one of the workers say, "I never seen anything like that before and I've been putting in septic tanks for twenty years."
Apparently, he's still lost...
While walking down the street one day an MP was tragically hit by a bus and died. His soul arrived in heaven and was met by St Peter at the entrance.
"Welcome to heaven," said St. Peter. "Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem. We seldom see a high official around these parts, you see, so we're not sure what to do with you."
"No problem, just let me in," said the man.
"Well, I'd like to, but I have orders from higher up. What we'll do is have you spend one day in hell and one in heaven. Then you can choose where to spend eternity."
"Really, I've made up my mind. I want to be in heaven," said the MP.
"I'm sorry, but we have our rules."
And with that, St. Peter escorted him to the elevator and he went down, down, down to hell. The doors opened and he found himself in the middle of a green golf course. In the distance was a clubhouse and standing in front of it were all his friends, party donors and other politicians who had worked with him.
Everyone was very happy and in evening dress. They ran to greet him, shook his hand and reminisced about the good times they had while getting rich at the expense of the ordinary people.
They played a friendly game of golf and then dined on lobster, caviare and champagne.
Also present was the devil, who really was a very friendly guy who had a good time dancing and telling jokes. They were having such a good time that before he realised it, it was time to go.
Everyone gave him a hearty farewell and waved while the elevator ascended.
The elevator went up, up, up and the door reopened on heaven where St Peter was waiting for him.
"Now it's time to visit heaven."
So, 24 hours passed with the MP joining a group of contented souls moving from cloud to cloud, playing the harp and singing. They had a good time and, before he realize, the 24 hours had gone by and St Peter returned.
"Well, you've spent a day in hell and another in heaven. Now choose your eternity."
The MP reflected for a minute, then he answered: "Well, I would never have said it before, I mean heaven has been delightful, but I think I would be better off in hell."
So St Peter escorted him to the elevator and he went down, down, down to hell.
The doors of the elevator opened and he was in the middle of a barren land covered with waste and garbage.
He saw all his friends, dressed in rags, picking up the trash and putting it in black bags as more trash fell from above.
The devil came over to him and put his arm around his shoulder.
"I don't understand," stammered the MP. "Yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and clubhouse, and we ate lobster and caviare, drank champagne, and danced and had a great time. Now there's just a wasteland full of garbage and my friends look miserable. What happened?"
The devil looked at him, smiled and said, "Yesterday we were campaigning ... Today you voted."
One day a 12-year old boy was walking down the street, when a car pulled up beside him and the window was wound down.
"I'll give you a bag of lollies if you get in the car," said the male driver.
"No way, get stuffed", replied the boy.
"How about a bag of lollies and £10?" asked the driver.
"No way", replied the irritated youngster.
"What about a bag of lollies and £50, eh?" quizzed the driver, still rolling slowly to keep up with the walking boy.
"No, I'm not getting in the car!" answered the boy.
"OK, I know what you want - I'll give you £100 and a bag of lollies." the driver offered.
"NO," screamed the boy.
"What will it take to get you into the car?" asked the driver sighing.
The boy replied: "Listen Dad, you bought a Volvo - you live with it!"
Theresa May was touring the country in a chauffeur-driven car selling Brexit.
Suddenly a cow ran into the road and the car hit it full on.
Theresa, in her usual charming manner, said to the chauffeur "Get out and check, you were driving."
The chauffeur checked and reported that the animal was dead.
"You were driving, go and tell the farmer." said Theresa.
Five hours later the chauffeur returned totally plastered, his hair ruffled and with a big grin on his face.
"My God, what happened to you?" asked Theresa.
The chauffeur replied "When I got there the farmer opened his best bottle of malt whiskey, his wife gave me a slap-up meal and the daughter made love to me."
"What on earth did you say?" asked Theresa.
"I knocked on the door and when they answered I told them I'm Theresa May's chauffeur and I just killed the cow."
Time to pull some crackers!
What did the grape do when it got stepped on?
It gave out a little wine.
What is a vampire's favourite fruit?
A blood orange.
Where do ghosts go swimming?
The Dead Sea.
What do you get if you cross Santa with a duck?
A Christmas quacker.
What did one pig say to the other pig?
Will you be my pen pal?
What has 22 legs and 2 wings but cannot fly?
A football team.
How do snails keep their shells shiny?
They use snail varnish.
What kind of sandals do frogs wear?
Why are police officers so strong?
Because they hold up traffic.
A blonde pushed her BMW into a repair garage. She told the mechanic it died.
After he worked on it for a few minutes, it was idling smoothly.
She said, "What's the story?"
He replied, "Just crap in the carburettor."
She asked, "How often do I have to do that?"
Thanks for all the jokes from Ken Wells, Simon Over, Ray Barton, Ian Bower and others.