Where do all the joke keep coming from? The Foz Spot of course! And the great bunch of contributors who keep us laughing out loud.
An Irishman moved to the USA and finally attended his first baseball game.
The first batter approached the batters' box, took a few swings and then hit a double. Everyone was on their feet screaming, "Run, run".
The next batter hit a single and the Irishman listened as the crowd again cheered,"Run, run". The Irishman enjoyed the game and began screaming with the fans.
The fifth batter came up and four balls went by. The umpire called "Walk" and the batter started his slow trot to first base. The Irishman stood up and screamed, "R--r-r-run ye bastard, run!"
The people around him began laughing.
Embarrassed, the Irishman sat back down.
A friendly fan noted the man's embarrassment, leaned over and explained -- "He can't run. He's got four balls."
The Irishman stood up and screamed, "Walk with pride, lad!"
A Cow, an Ant and an Old Fart are debating on who is the greatest of the three of them.
The Cow: I give 50 litres of milk every day and that's why I am the greatest!
The Ant: I work day and night, summer and winter, I can carry 52 times my own weight and that's why I am the greatest!
Why are you scrolling down? It's your turn to say something...
A man went to the Job Centre in Leicester and saw a card advertising for a Gynaecologist's Assistant. Interested, he went in and asked the clerk for details.
The clerk pulled up the file and read;
"The job entails getting the ladies ready for the gynaecologist. You have to help the women out of their underwear, lay them down and carefully wash their private regions, then apply shaving foam and gently shave off their pubic hair, then rub in soothing oils so they're ready for the gynaecologist's examination. The annual salary is £25,000, and if you're interested you'll have to go to Thurso.
"My God, is that where the job is?" asked the man.
She answered, "No sir, that's where the end of the queue is."
Did you know That the words "race car" spelled backward still spells "race car".
That "eat" is the only word that if you take the first letter and move it to the last, it spells its own past tense".
That if you rearrange the letters in "illegal immigrants", and add just a few more letters, it spells out: "Go home you f*cking, free-loading, benefit grabbing, kid-producing, violent, non-English speaking ars*holes and take those hairy-faced, sandal wearing, bomb making, goat loving, raggedy ass bast*rds with you."
How weird is that?
Five secrets to a perfect relationship:-
1 It's important to have a woman that cooks, cleans, has a good job.
2 It's important to have a woman that can make you laugh.
3 It's important to have a woman you can trust and who would never lie.
4 It's important to have a woman who is good in bed and also very loving and likes being with you.
5 But it's absolutely essential the four women don't know each other.
No one believes seniors . . . everyone thinks they are senile.
An elderly couple was celebrating their sixtieth anniversary. The couple had married as childhood sweethearts and had moved back to their old neighborhood after they retired. Holding hands, they walked back to their old school. It was not locked, so they entered, and found the old desk they'd shared, where Andy had carved "I love you, Sally."
On their way back home, a bag of money fell out of an armoured car, practically landing at their feet. Sally quickly picked it up and, not sure what to do with it, they took it home. There, she counted the money - fifty thousand dollars! Andy said, "We've got to give it back." Sally said, "Finders keepers." She put the money back in the bag and hid it in their attic.
The next day, two police officers were canvassing the neighborhood looking for the money and knocked on their door. "Pardon me, did either of you find a bag that fell out of an armoured car yesterday?" Sally said, "No". Andy said, "She's lying. She hid it up in the attic." Sally said, "Don't believe him, he's getting senile."
The agents turned to Andy and began to question him. One said: "Tell us the story from the beginning." Andy said, "Well, when Sally and I were walking home from school yesterday ...." The first police officer turned to his partner and said, "We're outta here!"
Have you ever been guilty of looking at others your own age and thinking, surely I can't look that old?
Well ... you'll love this one.
My name is Alice, and I was sitting in the waiting room for my first appointment with a new dentist.
I noticed his Diploma on the wall, which bore his full name. Suddenly, I remembered a tall, handsome, dark-haired boy with the same name had been in my high school class some 30-odd years ago.
Could he be the same guy that I had a secret crush on, way back then?
Upon seeing him, however, I quickly discarded any such thought.
This balding, grey-haired man with the deeply lined face was way too old to have been my classmate.
After he examined my teeth, I asked him if he had attended Morgan Park High School.
'Yes. Yes, I did.' he gleamed with pride.
'When did you graduate?' I asked.
He answered, 'In 1975. Why do you ask?'
'You were in my class!', I exclaimed.
He looked at me closely.
Then, that ugly,
'WHAT DID YOU TEACH?'
I just took a leaflet out of my letterbox, informing me that I can have sex at 84!
I'm sooooo happy, because I live at 73 .....
so it's not far to walk home afterwards!
Guy goes in an adult store and asks for an inflatable doll.
Guy behind the counter says, 'Male or female?'
Customer says, 'Female.'
Counter guy asks, 'Black or white?
Customer says, 'White.'
Counter guy asks, 'Christian or Muslim?'
Customer says, 'What the hell does religion have to do with it?'
Counter guy says, 'The Muslim one blows itself up'
An Irishman was terribly overweight, so his doctor put him on a diet.
"I want you to eat regularly for 2 days, then skip a day, and repeat this procedure for 2 weeks. The next time I see you, you should have lost at least 5 pounds."
When the Irishman returned two weeks later he shocked the doctor by having lost nearly 60lbs!
"Why, that's amazing!" the doctor said, "Did you follow my instructions?"
The Irishman nodded..."I did indeed sir, but I'll tell you though, by jaesuz I t'aut I were going to drop dead on dat 3rd day."
"From the hunger, you mean?" asked the doctor.
"No! begorrah doctor, twas from all the bloody skippin'."
Their weekend assignment was to sell something, then give a talk on productive salesmanship.
Little Sally led off: "I sold girl scout cookies and I made £30," she said proudly, "My sales approach was to appeal to the customer's civil spirit and I credit that approach for my obvious success."
"Very good," said the teacher.
Little Mary was next:
"I sold magazines," she said, "I made £45 and I explained to everyone that magazines would keep them up on current events."
"Very good, Mary" said the teacher.
Eventually, it was Little Donny's turn.
The teacher held her breath ...
Little Donny walked to the front of the classroom and dumped a box full of cash on the teacher's desk. "£2,467," he said.
"£2,467!" cried the teacher, "What in the world were you selling?"
"Toothbrushes," said Little Donny.
"Toothbrushes?" echoed the teacher, "How could you possibly sell enough tooth brushes to make that much money?"
"I found the busiest corner in town," said Little Donny. "I set up a Dip & Chip stand and gave everybody who walked by a free sample."
They all said the same thing, "Hey, this tastes like dog shit!"
Then I would say, "It is dog shit. Wanna buy a toothbrush?"
"I used the governmental approach of giving you something shitty for free, and then making you pay to get the shitty taste out of your mouth."
This letter was sent to the Lions Bay School Principal's office in West Vancouver after the school had sponsored a luncheon for seniors. An elderly lady received a new radio at the lunch as a door raffle prize and was writing to say thank you.
This story is a credit to all humankind. Forward this to anyone you know who might need a lift today.
Dear Lions Bay School,
God bless you for the beautiful radio I won at your recent Senior Citizens luncheon. I am 87 years old and live at the West Vancouver Home for the Aged. All of my family has passed away so I am all alone. I want to thank you for the kindness you have shown to a forgotten old lady.
My roommate is 95 and has always had her own radio; but, she would never let me listen to it. She said it belonged to her long dead husband, and understandably, wanted to keep it safe.
The other day her radio fell off the nightstand and broke into a dozen pieces. It was awful and she was in tears.
She asked if she could listen to mine and I was overjoyed that I could now tell her to fuck off.
Thank you for that wonderful opportunity.
God bless you all.
New Telephone Greeting:
'GOOD MORNING, WELCOME TO THE UNITED KINGDOM SOCIAL SERVICES AND BENEFITS OFFICE'
'Press '1' if you speak English.'
'Press '2' to disconnect until you can.'
Did you ever wonder why there are no dead penguins on the ice in Antarctica - where do they go?
Wonder no more!
It is a known fact that the penguin is a very ritualistic bird which lives an extremely ordered and complex life.
The penguin is very committed to its family and will mate for life, as well as maintaining a form of compassionate contact with its offspring throughout its life.
If a penguin is found dead on the ice surface, other members of the family and social circle have been known to dig holes in the ice, using their vestigial wings and beaks, until the hole is deep enough for the dead bird to be rolled into and buried.
The male penguins then gather in a circle around the fresh grave and sing:
"Freeze a jolly good fellow"
"Freeze a jolly good fellow."
Then they kick him in the ice hole.
You really didn't believe that I know anything about penguins, did you!
A plane was on its way to Melbourne when a blonde in Economy Class got up, moved to the First Class section and sat down.
The Flight attendant watched her do this and asked to see her ticket.
She then told the blonde passenger that she would have to return to her Economy seat.
The blonde replied, "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to Melbourne and I'm staying right here!"
The flight attendant went into the cockpit and told the pilot and co-pilot that there was a blonde bimbo sitting in First Class who belonged in Economy who wouldn't move back to her seat.
The co-pilot went back to the blonde and tried to explain that, because she only paid for Economy, she was only entitled to an Economy seat and she would have to return to her original seat.
The blonde replied, "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to Melbourne and I'm staying right here!"
Exasperated, the co-pilot told the pilot that it was no use and he probably should have the police waiting when they land to arrest the blonde, because she wouldn't listen to reason.
"You say she's blonde? I'll handle this. I'm married to a blonde, so I can speak blonde!" said the pilot.
The pilot went back to the blonde, and whispered in her ear.
She said, "Oh I'm sorry - I had no idea", then got up and moved back to her seat in Economy.
The flight attendant and co-pilot were amazed and asked him what he said to make her move without any fuss.
The pilot replied, "I told her, First class isn't going to Melbourne".
A friend of mine has just started his own business, manufacturing landmines that look like prayer mats.
It's doing well.
He says Prophets are going through the roof.
You are riding down the road on your motorcycle on a wild, stormy night, when you pass by a bus stop and you see three people waiting for the bus:
1. An old lady who looks as if she is about to die.
2. An old friend who once saved your life.
3. The perfect partner you have been dreaming about.
Which one would you choose to offer a ride to, knowing that there could only be one pillion on your bike? Think before you continue reading.
This is a moral/ethical dilemma that was once actually used as part of a job application. You could pick up the old lady, because she is going to die, and thus you should save her first. Or you could take the old friend because he once saved your life, and this would be the perfect chance to pay him back. However, you may never be able to find your perfect mate again.
YOU WON'T BELIEVE THIS...
The candidate who was hired (out of 200 applicants) had no trouble coming up with his answer. He simply answered: "I would give motorcycle to my old friend and let him take the lady to the hospital. I would stay behind and wait for the bus with the partner of my dreams."
Sometimes, we gain more if we are able to give up our stubborn thought limitations.
Never forget to Think Outside of the Box.
I just love happy endings!
An elderly couple was watching a Discovery Channel special about a West African bush tribe whose men all had penises 24 inches long. When the male reaches a certain age, a string is tied around his penis and on the other end is a weight. After a while, the weight stretches the penis to 24 inches.
Later that evening as the husband was getting out of the shower, his wife looked at him and said, "How about we try the African String-and-weight procedure?" The husband agreed and they tied a string and a weight to his penis.
A few days later, the wife asked the husband, "How is our little Tribal experiment coming along?"
"Well, it looks like we're about half way there," he replied.
"Wow, you mean it's grown to 12 inches?"
"No. It's turned black."
An old, blind ex-biker wandered into an all-girl bar by mistake.
He found his way to a bar stool and ordered a shot of whiskey.
After sitting there for a while, he yelled to the bartender, "Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?"
The bar immediately fell absolutely silent.
In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him said, "Before you tell that joke I think it is only fair, given that you are blind, that you should know five things:
"1. The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat.
"2. The bouncer is a blonde girl.
"3. I'm a 6-foot tall, 175-pound blonde woman with a black belt in karate.
"4. The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weight lifter.
"5. The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler.
"Now, think about it seriously, do you still wanna tell that blonde joke?"
The blind guy thinks for a second, shakes his head and mutters, "No... not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times."
The Pope was having a shower. Although he's very strict about celibacy, he occasionally felt he needed to exercise the Papal wrist, and this happened to be one of those occasions.
Just as he reached the Papal climax, he saw a photographer taking a picture of the Holy seed flying through the air.
"Hold on a minute!", said the Pope, "You can't do that - you'll destroy the reputation of the Church!"
"This is my lottery win," said the photographer, "I'll be financially secure for life with these photos!" So, the Pope offered to buy the camera from the photographer, and after much negotiation, they eventually settled on a figure of $2,000,000. The Pope clothed himself and headed off to destroy the images on the camera.
Along the vast Vatican hallways, he bumped into his personal housekeeper.
Being a bit of a photography buff, she noticed the camera and said, "That looks like a really expensive digital SLR camera, how much did it cost you?"
Not being one to lie, the Pope replied, "Two million dollars..."
"TWO MILLION DOLLARS!" replied the housekeeper, "They must have seen you coming!"
A stark naked, drunken woman jumped into a vacant Taxi at a London Cab Rank.
The Indian driver was immediately beside himself and just kept on staring at the woman. He made no attempt to start the cab.
"What's wrong with you Luv, haven't you ever seen a naked white woman before?"
"I'll not be staring at you lady, I am telling you, that would not be proper, where I am coming from."
"Well if your not bloody staring at me Luvie, what are you doing then?"
"Well, I am telling you, I am thinking to myself, where is this lady keeping the money to be paying me with."
When I was considerably younger, I picked up my date at her parents' home.
I'd scraped together enough money to take her to a very nice restaurant.
She ordered the most expensive items on the menu: Shrimp cocktail, Lobster, Champagne.
I asked her, "Does your mother feed you like that when you eat at home?"
"No," she replied. "but my mother's not expecting a blow job tonight."
I said "enjoy..."
An LPMCC member marched into a chemist shop.
Very carefully he opened his Belstaff breast pocket and pulled out a neatly folded cotton bandana, unfolded that to reveal a smaller silk square handkerchief, which he also unfolded to reveal a condom.
The condom had a number of puncture repair patches on it.
The chemist held it up and eyed it critically.
"How much to repair it?" the biker asked the chemist.
"Six pence," said the chemist.
"How much for a new one?"
"Ten pence" said the chemist.
The biker painstakingly folded the condom into the silk square handkerchief and the cotton bandana, replaces it carefully in his pocket and walked out of the door.
A moment or two later the chemist heared a great shout go up outside, followed by an even greater shout.
The biker marched back into the chemist and addressed the proprietor, this time with a grin on his face.
"The Club has taken a vote," he said.
"We'll have a new one."
A guy was motorcycling around the back roads when he saw a sign in front of a broken down shanty-style house: 'Talking Dog For Sale ' He rang the bell and the owner appeared and told him the dog was in the backyard.
The guy went into the backyard and saw a nice looking Labrador retriever sitting there.
"You talk?" he asked.
"Yep." the Lab replied.
After the guy recovered from the shock of hearing a dog talk, he said "So, what's your story?"
The Lab looked up and said, "Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told the MI6. In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping."
"I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running. But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I decided to settle down."
"I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals."
"I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired."
The guy was amazed. He went back in and asked the owner what he wanted for the dog.
"Ten quid." the guy said.
"Ten pounds? This dog is amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?"
"Because he's a liar. He never did any of that shit."
It was a slow day in a hot little Greek town. The sun was beating down and the streets were deserted. Times were tough, everybody was in debt, and everybody lived on credit.
On this particular day a rich German tourist stopped at the local hotel and laid a €100 note on the desk, told the hotel owner he wanted to inspect the rooms upstairs in order to pick one to spend the night. The owner gave him some keys and, as soon as the visitor walked upstairs, the hotelier grabbed the €100 note and ran next door to pay his debt to the butcher.
The butcher took the €100 note and ran down the street to repay his debt to the pig farmer.
The pig farmer took the €100 note and headed off to pay his bill at the supplier of feed and fuel.
The guy at the Farmers' Co-op took the €100 note and ran to pay his drinks bill at the pub.
The publican slipped the money along to the local prostitute drinking at the bar, who was also facing hard times and had to offer him services on credit.
The hooker then rushed to the hotel and paid off her room bill to the hotel owner with the €100 note.
The hotel proprietor then placed the €100 note back on the counter.
At that moment the traveller came down the stairs, picked up the €100 note, stating that the rooms were not satisfactory, pocketed the money and left town.
No one produced anything. No one earned anything.
However, the whole town is now out of debt and looking to the future with a lot more optimism.
And that, Ladies and Gentlemen, is how the bailout package works.
Two Irishmen were waiting at the bus stop when a truck went past loaded up with rolls of turf.
Jimmy said, "I'm gonna do that when I win the lottery."
"What's that then?" asks Mikey.
"Send me lawn away to be cut."
Finding a woman sobbing that she had locked her keys in her car, a passing soldier assured her that he could help.
She looked on amazed as he removed his trousers, rolled them into a tight ball and rubbed them against the car door.
Magically it opened.
"That's so clever." the woman gasped, "How did you do it?"
"Easy," replied the man...
"These are my khakis."
A mother was working in the kitchen, listening to her son playing with his new electric train set in the living room.
She heard the train stop and her son saying, "All of You b*****ds who want off, get off now, 'cos we're in a hurry! And all of you b*****ds who are getting on, get on now, 'cos we're going down the tracks."
The horrified mother went in and told her son, "We don't use that kind of language in this house. Now I want you to go to your room and stay there for TWO HOURS. When you come out, you may play with your train, but I want you to use nice language."
Two hours later, the son came out of the bedroom and resumed playing with his train. Soon the train stopped and the mother heard her son say,
"All passengers who are disembarking the train, please remember to take all of your belongings with you. We thank you for travelling with us today and hope your trip was a pleasant one."
She heard the little boy continue, "For those of you just boarding, we ask you to stow all of your hand luggage under your seat. Remember, there is no smoking on the train. We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today."
As the mother began to smile, the child added ...
"For those of you who are pissed off about the TWO HOUR delay, please see the fat controller in the kitchen!!"
A large earthquake with a strength of 8.1 on the Richter scale has hit the Middle East.
Two million have died and over a million are injured.
The countries are totally ruined and the governments don't know where to start with providing help to rebuild.
The rest of the world is in shock.
The United States is sending troops to help.
Saudi Arabia is sending oil.
Latin American countries are sending supplies.
New Zealand is sending sheep, cattle and food crops.
The European community is sending money.
The Asian continent is sending labour to assist in rebuilding infrastructure.
Australia is sending medical teams and supplies.
Britain, not to be outdone, are sending two million replacement Muslims.
God Bless British Generosity!
A lady walked into a Police Station and the desk Sergeant said "Can I help you?"
"Yes" she said, "I'd like to report a case of sexual assault."
"Where did it happen?" the Sergeant asked.
"In the park just down the road" she replied.
"Can you describe what happened?"
"Yes, I was walking along the footpath in the park near the trees when a man jumped out of the bushes and dragged me in there, removed my underwear then he dropped his pants to his knees and had his way with me."
"Could you give me a description of him?"
"Yes, he was wearing white shoes, long white trousers, a white shirt and he had these two big long pads from his feet up to and over his knees, one on each leg."
"Sounds to me like he was a cricketer, most probably a batsman", said the Sergeant.
"Yes", said the lady, "He was an Aussie Cricketer."
"That's very observant", said the Sergeant, "You worked that out from his accent?"
"No", she replied. "I worked it out because he wasn't in for very long."
Muslim suicide bombers in Britain are set to begin a three-day strike next Monday in a dispute over the number of virgins they are entitled to in the afterlife. Emergency talks with Al Qaeda have so far failed to produce an agreement.
The unrest began last Tuesday when Al Qaeda announced that the number of virgins a suicide bomber would receive after his death will be cut by 25% this August from 72 to only 54.
The rationale for the cut was the increase in recent years of the number of suicide bombings and a subsequent shortage of virgins in the afterlife. The suicide bombers' union, the British Organization of Occupational Martyrs (or B.O.O.M.) responded with a statement that this was unacceptable to its members and immediately balloted for strike action.
General Secretary Abdullah Amir told the press, "Our members are literally working themselves to death in the cause of Jihad. We don't ask for much in return but to be treated like this is like a kick in the teeth."
Speaking from his shed in Tipton in the West Midlands in which he currently resides, Al Qaeda's chief executive explained.
"We sympathize with our workers' concerns but Al Qaeda is simply not in a position to meet their demands. They are simply not accepting the realities of modern-day Jihad in a competitive marketplace. Thanks to Western depravity, there is now a chronic shortage of virgins in the afterlife. It's a straight choice between reducing expenditure and laying people off. I don't like cutting wages but I'd hate to have to tell 3000 of my staff that they won't be able to blow themselves up."
Spokespersons for the union in Newcastle, Middlesbrough, Essex and Australia stated that they would be unaffected as there are no virgins in these areas anyway.
Apparently the drop in the number of suicide bombings has been largely put down to the emergence of the Scottish singing star, Susan Boyle. Now that Muslims know what a virgin looks like, they are not so keen on going to paradise.
The Lone Ranger was ambushed and captured by an enemy Indian War Party.
The Indian Chief proclaimed, "So, you are the great Lone Ranger? You will be executed in three days. Before I kill you, I grant you three requests. What is your FIRST request?'
The Lone Ranger responded, "I'd like to speak to my horse."
The Chief nodded and Silver was brought before the Lone Ranger who whispered in Silver's ear and the horse galloped away.
Later that evening, Silver returned with a beautiful blonde woman on his back.
As the Indian Chief watched, the blonde entered the Lone Ranger's tent and spent the night.
The next morning the Indian Chief admitted he was impressed...
"You have a very fine and loyal horse, but I will still kill you in two days. What is your SECOND request?"
The Lone Ranger again asked to speak to his horse.
Silver was brought to him, and he again whispered in the horse's ear.
As before, Silver took off and disappeared over the horizon.
Later that evening, to the Chief's surprise, Silver again returned, this time with a voluptuous brunette, more attractive than the blonde.
She entered the Lone Rangers tent and spent the night.
The following morning the Indian Chief was again impressed.
"You are indeed a man of many talents, but I will still kill you tomorrow. What is your LAST request?"
The Lone Ranger responded, "I'd like to speak to my horse alone."
The Chief was curious, but he agreed, and Silver was brought to the Lone Ranger's tent.
Once they were alone, the Lone Ranger grabbed Silver by both ears, looked him square in the eye and said,
"READ MY LIPS!!!!"
"FOR... THE... LAST... TIME..."
A small boy said to his father "Dad, what's the difference between 'theoretically' and 'realistically'?"
His dad thought and then replied "Right-ho son, go and ask your mother if she'd sleep with Wayne Rooney for a million quid."
The boy toddled off and came back saying "Dad, dad, she said she would! She would sleep with Wayne Rooney for a million pounds."
"OK son," said his dad. "Now go and ask your sister the same question."
The boy toddled off, and came back saying "Dad, dad, she said she would too!"
So then his dad said "Right, son, now go and ask your brother if he'd sleep with Wayne Rooney for a million pounds."
The son came back excitedly saying "Dad! Dad! He said he would too!"
"Well there you have it, son," said his dad.
"Theoretically we could be sitting on three million quid."
"Realistically we're living with two tarts and a poof."
A university holds an annual competition to find which student comes up with the best definition of a phrase in current use.
The winner in defining political correctness was: "Political correctness is a doctrine, fostered by a delusional, illogical minority, and rabidly promoted by an unscrupulous mainstream media, which holds forth the proposition that it is entirely possible to pick up a piece of shit by the clean end."
Dave arrived home from work one evening to find his wife stressing out.
"My boss is coming round for dinner with his French girlfriend." she said, "I need you to go down to the market and get some snails for the starter."
On the way back Dave bumped into Colin from the bike club.
"Fancy a pint Dave?"
"Just a quick one mate, I've got to get back." Dave replied.
So he went in for a pint with Colin and one quickly turned to five.
Dave then chatted up a blonde girl at the bar and soon headed back to her flat only to pass out and wake up the next morning.
He got dressed, grabbed the snails and ran home,but just as he got to the doorstep he tripped and the snails went everywhere.
His wife opened the door, and screamsed "WHERE THE F*** HAVE YOU BEEN?"
Dave looked down and shouted, "Come on lads, nearly there!"
Teacher: "Can you tell me the name of three kings who have brought happiness and peace into people's lives?"
Little Jonny, the problem kid in class, put up his hand and yelled out "Yes miss, yes miss, I know."
Reluctantly she allowed him to stand up and tell the class the names of three Kings.
He said, "Drin - King, Smo - King, Fuc - King!"
A man went into Waterstones and asked the young lady assistant, "Do you have the new book out for men with short penises?"
She replied, "I'm not sure if it's in yet."
"That's the one, I'll take a copy."
When a Phoenix member died his wife put the usual death notice in the paper, but added that he died of gonorrhoea.
No sooner were the papers delivered when his old pals phoned and complained bitterly, "You know very well that he died of diarrhoea, not gonorrhoea."
Replied the widow, "I nursed him night and day so of course I know he died of diarrhoea, but I thought it would be better for posterity to remember him as a great lover rather than the big shit he always was."
A refuse collector was driving along a street picking up the wheelie bins and emptying them into his compactor.
He went to one house where the bin hadn't been left out, and in the spirit of kindness, and after having a quick look about for the bin, he got out of his truck, went to the front door and knocked. There was no answer.
Being a kindly and conscientious bloke, he knocked again - much harder.
Eventually a Chinese man comes to the door. "Harro prease!" said the Chinese man.
"Gidday, mate! Where's ya bin?" asked the collector.
"I bin on toiret," explained the Chinese bloke, a bit perplexed.
Realising the fellow had misunderstood him, the bin man smiled and tried again. "No! No! Mate, Where's your dust bin?"
"I dust been to toiret, I toll you!" said the Chinese man, still perplexed.
"Listen," said the collector. "You're misunderstanding me. Where's your 'wheelie' bin?'"
"OK, OK." replied the Chinese man with a sheepish grin and whispered in the collector's ear. "I wheelie bin having sex wiffa wife's sista!"
An old Phoenix member was sitting at home on the veranda with his wife and he said, "I love you."
She asked, "Is that you or the beer talking?"
He replied, "It's me ...
"talking to the beer."
Last year I replaced all the windows in my house with that expensive double-pane energy efficient kind. And today I got a call from the contractor who installed them.
He was complaining that the work had been completed a whole year ago and I still hadn't paid for them.
Hellloooo...just because I'm grey doesn't mean that I am automatically stupid. So, I told him just what his fast talking sales guy had told me last year. That in ONE YEAR these windows would pay for themselves!
Helllooooo...it's been a year I told him.
There was only silence at the other end of the line, so I finally just hung up.
He never called back. I bet he felt like an idiot.
A man doing market research knocked on a door and was greeted by a young woman with three small children running around at her feet.
He said, "I'm doing some research for Vaseline. Have you ever used the product?"
She said, "Yes. My husband and I use it all the time."
"And if you don't mind me asking, what do you use it for?"
"We use it for sex."
The researcher was a little taken back. "Usually people lie to me and say that they use it on a child's bicycle chain or to help with a gate hinge. But, in fact, I know that most people do use it for sex. I admire you for your honesty. Since you've been frank so far, can you tell me exactly how you use it for sex?"
The woman said, "I don't mind telling you at all... My husband and I put it on the door knob and it keeps the kids out."
And you thought what?
Mr Cadbury met Miss Rowntree on a Double Decker.
It was just After Eight.
They got off at Quality Street.
He asked her name. "Polo, I'm the one with the hole." she said with a Wispa.
"I'm Marathon, the one with the nuts." he replied.
He touched her Cream Eggs, which was a Kinder Surprise for her.
Then he slipped his hand into her Snickers, which made her Ripple.
He fondled her Jelly Babies and she rubbed his Tic Tacs.
Soon they were Heart Throbs.
It was a Fab moment as she screamed in Turkish Delight.
But, three days later, his Sherbet Dip Dab started to itch...
Turns out Miss Rowntree had been with Bertie Bassett and he had Allsorts!
What do you call the first Afghan off the boat?
What do you call the second Afghan off the boat?
What do you call the third Afghan off the boat?
Amir Azwel Azzim!
A ragged, old, derelict shuffled into a dirty backstreet pub. Stinking of beer and cigarettes, his hands shook as he took the "Piano Player Wanted"sign from the window and handed it to the landlord.
"I'd like to apply for the job," he said. "I was a Leicester Phoenix MCC member back in the 70s but I crashed a bike and a marriage pretty bad. I learned to play the piano so here I am."
The landlord wasn't too sure about this doubtful looking old guy, but it had been quite a while since he had a piano player and business was falling off. So, why not give him a try. The seedy biker staggered his way over to the piano while several patrons snickered. By the time he was into his third bar of music, every voice was silenced. What followed was a rhapsody of soaring music unlike anything heard in the bar before. When he finished there wasn't a dry eye in the place.
The landlord took the old biker a beer and asked him the name of the song he had just played?
It's called "Drop your Skivvies, Baby, I'm Going Balls To The Wall For You" he said. After a long pull from the beer, leaving it empty, he said "I wrote it myself."
The landlord and the crowd winced at the title, but the piano player just went on into a knee-slapping, hand-clapping bit of ragtime that had the place jumping. After he finished, the past LPMCC member acknowledged the applause, downed a second proffered mug, and told the crowd the song was called, "Big Boobs Make My Tail Light Glow."
He then launched into another mesmerizing song and everyone in the room was enthralled. He announced that it was the latest rendition of his song, "Spread 'em Baby, It's Foggy Out Tonight and I Need To See The Centreline", excused himself and headed for the gents.
When he came out the landlord went over to him and said, "Hey, the job is yours, but do you know your fly is open and your pecker is hanging out.
"Know it?" our old pal replied, "Hell, I wrote it!"
A guy was sitting in the bar in departures at a busy airport. A beautiful woman walked in and sat down at the table next to him.
He decided, because she's got a uniform on, she's probably an off-duty flight attendant. So he'd have a go at picking her up by identifying the airline she works for, thereby impressing her greatly.
He leaned across to her and said the Delta Airlines motto: "We love to fly and it shows".
The woman looked at him blankly.
He sat back and thought up another line.
He leaned forward again and delivered the Air France motto "Winning the hearts of the world".
Again, she just stared at him with a slightly puzzled look on her face.
Undeterred, he tried again, this time saying the Malaysian Airlines motto "Going beyond expectations".
The woman looked at him sternly and said "What the fuck do you want?"
"Ah!" he said, sitting back with a big smile on his face.
Voted Best Joke in Ireland
John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, between the legs of me darlin' wife!"
That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night!
He went home and told his wife, Mary, "I won the prize for the best toast of the night."
She said, "Aye, did ye now. And what was your toast?"
John said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church beside me wife."
"Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!" Mary said.
The next day, Mary ran into one of John's drinking buddies on the street corner. The man chuckled leeringly and said, "John won the prize the other night at the pub with a toast about you, Mary."
She said, "Aye, he told me, and I was a bit surprised myself. You know, he's only been in there twice in the last four years. Once he fell asleep, and the other time I had to pull him by the ears to make him come."
A blonde got a job as a teacher.
She noticed a boy in the field standing alone, while all the other kids are running around having fun.
She took pity on him and decided to speak to him.
"You ok?" she asked.
"Yes." he said.
"You can go and play with the other kids you know" she said.
"It's best I stay here." he said.
"Why?" ask the blonde.
The boy said: "Because I'm the f*cking goal keeper."
Martha recently lost her husband, a past member of the Leicester Phoenix MCC. She had him cremated and brought his ashes home.
Picking up the urn that he was in, she poured him out on the patio table.
Then, while tracing her fingers in the ashes, she started talking to him.
"You know that holiday you promised me? I bought it with the insurance money!"
She paused for a minute tracing her fingers in the ashes then said, "Remember that car you promised me? Well, I sold your bikes and used the money!"
Again, she paused for a few minutes and while tracing her fingers in the ashes she said, "Remember that diamond ring you promised me? Bought it with money from selling your tools and kit!"
Finally, still tracing her fingers in the ashes, she said, "Remember that blow job I promised you?"
"Here it comes."
A Rabbi and a Priest are driving one day and, by a freak accident, have a head-on collision with tremendous force. Both cars are totally demolished, but amazingly, neither of the clerics has a scratch on him.
After they crawl out of their cars, the rabbi sees the priest's collar and says, "So you're a priest. I'm a rabbi. Just look at our cars. There is nothing left, yet we are here, unhurt. This must be a sign from God!"
Pointing to the sky, he continues, "God must have meant that we should meet and share our lives in peace and friendship for the rest of our days on earth."
The priest replies, "I agree with you completely. This must surely be a sign from God!"
The rabbi is looking at his car and exclaims, "And look at this! Here's another miracle! My car is completely demolished, but this bottle of Mogen David wine did not break. Surely, God wants us to drink this wine and to celebrate our good fortune."
The priest nods in agreement.
The rabbi hands the bottle to the priest, who drinks half the bottle and hands the bottle back to the rabbi.
The rabbi takes the bottle and immediately puts the cap on, then hands it back to the priest.
The priest, baffled, asks, "Aren't you having any, Rabbi?"
The rabbi replies, "Nah... I think I'll wait for the police."
A big Texan stopped at a local restaurant following a day roaming around Mexico.
While sipping his tequila, he noticed a sizzling, scrumptious looking platter being served at the next table. Not only did it look good, the smell was wonderful.
He asked the waiter, "What is that you just served?"
The waiter replied, "Ah senor, you have excellent taste! Those are called Cojones de Toro, bull's testicles from the bull fight this morning. A delicacy!"
The cowboy said, "What the heck, bring me an order."
The waiter replied, "I am so sorry senor. There is only one serving per day because there is only one bull fight each morning. If you come early and place your order, we will be sure to save you this delicacy."
The next morning, the cowboy returned, placed his order, and that evening was served the one and only special delicacy of the day. After a few bites, inspecting his platter, he called to the waiter and said, "These are delicious, but they are much, much smaller than the ones I saw you serve yesterday."
The waiter shrugged his shoulders and replied, "Si, Senor. Sometimes the bull wins."
The Christmas panto "Jack and the Beanstalk" has been cancelled in the following towns:-
Barking, Bedford, Birmingham, Blackburn, Bradford, Burnley, Coventry, Leeds, Leicester, Luton, Manchester, Nottingham, Sheffield and Wolverhampton.
The giant couldn't smell the blood of an Englishman!
Thanks for all the jokes from Adam Fosberry and others.