Another cheerful year-full. They may not be PC but they're damned funny. Please excuse the shakey typing.
It's all in the way a story is portrayed.
A biker was visiting Twycross Zoo when he saw a little girl leaning into the lion's cage.
Suddenly, the lion grabbed her by the cuff of her jacket and tried to pull her inside to slaughter her, under the eyes of her screaming parents.
The biker ran to the cage and hit the lion square on the nose with a powerful punch. Whimpering from the pain the lion jumped back and let go of the girl. The biker then took her to her terrified parents, who thanked him endlessly.
A reporter saw the whole scene, and addressing the biker, said, "Sir, this was the most gallant and brave thing I saw a man do in my whole life."
"Why, it was nothing really." said the biker, "The lion was behind bars. I just saw this little kid in danger and acted as I felt right."
"I noticed a badge on your jacket," said the journalist.
"Yeah, I ride with the Leicester Phoenix Motorcycle Club," the biker replied.
"Well, I'll make sure this won't go unnoticed. I'm a journalist with the Daily Mail and tomorrow's papers will have this on the front page."
The following morning the biker bought the paper to see if it indeed brought out the news of his actions.
On the front page was the headline:
"BIKER GANG MEMBER ASSAULTS AFRICAN IMMIGRANT AND STEALS HIS LUNCH"
Two Red Indians and an Irishman were walking through the woods.
All of a sudden one of the Red Indians ran up a hill to the mouth of a small cave.
"Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!" he called into the cave and listened closely until he heard an answering, "Wooooo! Wooooo! Woooooo!" He then tore off his clothes and ran into the cave.
The Irishman was puzzled and asked the remaining Indian what it was all about. "Was the other Indian crazy or what?"
The Indian replied "No, It is our custom during mating season when Indian men see cave, they holler 'Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!' into the opening. If they get an answer back, it means there's a beautiful squaw in there waiting for us."
Just then they came upon another cave.
The second Indian ran up to the cave, stopped, and hollered, "Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!"
Immediately, there was the answer. "Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!" from deep inside.
He also tore off his clothes and ran into the opening.
The Irishman wandered around in the woods alone for a while, and then spied a third large cave.
As he looked in amazement at the size of the huge opening, he was thinking, "Hoo, man! Look at the size of this cave! It's bigger than those the Indians found. There must be some really big, fine women in this cave!"
He stood in front of the opening and hollered with all his might "Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!"
Like the others, he then heard an answering call, "WOOOOOOOOO, WOOOOOOOOO WOOOOOOOOO!"
With a gleam in his eye and a smile on his face, he raced into the cave,tearing off his clothes as he ran.
The following day, the headline of the local newspaper read:
NAKED IRISHMAN RUN OVER BY TRAIN
The Penis asks for a Raise
I, the Penis, hereby request a raise in salary for the following reasons:
I do physical labour.
I work at great depths.
I plunge headfirst into everything I do.
I do not get weekends or public holidays off.
I work in a damp environment.
I work in a dark workplace that has poor ventilation.
I work in high temperatures.
My work exposes me to contagious diseases.
The Response --
After assessing your request, and considering the arguments you have raised, the administration rejects your request for the following reasons:
You do not work 8 hours straight.
You fall asleep after brief work periods.
You do not always follow the orders of the management team. You do not stay in your designated area and are often seen visiting other locations.
You do not take initiative - you need to be pressured and stimulated in order to start working.
You leave the workplace rather messy at the end of your shift.
You don't always observe necessary safety regulations, such as wearing the correct protective clothing.
You will retire well before you are 65.
You are unable to work double shifts.
You sometimes leave your designated work area before you have completed the assigned task.
And if that were not all, you have been seen constantly entering and exiting the workplace carrying two suspicious-looking bags.
It was a hot Saturday evening in the summer of 1960, and Fred had a date with Peggy Sue.
He arrived at her house and rang the bell. "Oh, come on in!" Peggy Sue's mother said as she welcomed Fred in. "Have a seat in the living room. Would you like something to drink? Lemonade? Iced tea?"
"Iced tea, please," Fred said. Mom brought the iced tea.
"So, what're you and Peggy Sue planning to do tonight?" she asked.
"Oh, probably catch a movie, then maybe grab a bite to eat at the malt shop, maybe take a walk on the beach..."
"Peggy likes to screw, you know," Mom informed him.
"Really?" Fred asked, eyebrows rose.
"Oh yes," the Mother continued. "When she goes out with her friends, that's all they do!"
"Is that so?" asked Fred, incredulous.
"Yes," said the Mother. "As a matter of fact, she'd screw all night if we let her!"
"Well, thanks for the tip!" Fred said as he began thinking about alternative plans for the evening.
A moment later, Peggy Sue came down the stairs looking pretty as a picture, wearing a pink blouse and a hoop skirt, and with her hair tied back in a bouncy ponytail. She greeted Fred.
"Have fun, kids!" the Mother said as they left.
Half an hour later, a completely dishevelled Peggy Sue burst into the house and slammed the front door behind her.
"Twist, Mom!" she angrily yelled to her Mother in the kitchen. "The Twist, Dammit! It's called the Twist!"
A FIREMAN came home from work one day and told his wife, "You know, we have a wonderful system at the fire station: BELL 1 rings and we all put on our jackets, BELL 2 rings and we all slide down the pole, BELL 3 rings and we're on the fire truck ready to go.
"From now on when I say BELL 1 I want you to strip naked. When I say BELL 2 I want you to jump in bed. And when I say BELL 3 we are going to make love all night."
The next night he came home from work and yelled "BELL 1!"
The wife promptly took all her clothes off.
When he yelled "BELL 2!", the wife jumped into bed.
When he yelled "BELL 3!", they began making love.
After a few minutes the wife yelled "BELL 4!"
"What the hell is BELL 4?" asked the husband?
"ROLL OUT MORE HOSE," she replied "YOU'RE NOWHERE NEAR THE FIRE."
A man was riding his Harley along a California beach when suddenly the sky clouded above his head and, in a booming voice, the Lord said, "Because you have tried to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish."
The biker pulled over and said, "Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can ride over anytime I want."
The Lord said, "Your request is materialistic. Think of the enormous challenges for that kind of undertaking; the supports required reaching the bottom of the Pacific and the concrete and steel it would take! It will nearly exhaust several natural resources. I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and think of something that could possibly help mankind."
The biker thought about it for a long time. Finally, he said, "Lord, I wish that I and all men could understand women; I want to know how she feels inside, what she's thinking when she gives me the silent treatment, why she cries, what she means when she says nothing's wrong, and how I can make a woman truly happy."
The Lord replied, "You want that bridge two lanes or four?"
Where would you be?
If - you had all the money your heart desires
If - you had no worries
If - you came home and the finest meal is awaiting you
If - your bath water had been run
If - you had the perfect kids or pets
If - your partner was awaiting you, with open arms and kisses
So, where would you be?
Well ... hellooooo!
You'd be in the wrong friggin' house!
The other day I was in the pub having a few quiet beers by myself.
The door opened and in walked the most stunning woman I've ever laid eyes on. 5'9" tall, stunning blue eyes, silky blonde hair, an hourglass figure barely covered by a tiny mini skirt and a flimsy cotton top. I could see she was not wearing a bra and her incredibly firm breasts were on show.
After watching her walk in I turned back to my beer. No sooner had I taken a sip when I turn to see her pulling another bar stool up close to me and sitting down.
She said "Hi", and I said "Hi" in return. She asked how I was and took my hand and placed it on her perfect inner thigh, rubbing it up and down.
"So, does that make you feel good?" she asked. "I'll bet you feel good," she continued. "In fact, I'll bet you've never felt this good before."
"Well, I have," I corrected her. "You see, when I was 18, I was picked to play for the school 1st. XV in the Public School Finals in front of a crowd of about 3000 and I felt really good."
I immediately felt a bit pathetic saying that and I thought she would get up and go but she took my hand off her thigh and put it up the front of her top. Her nipple pushed into my palm as she massaged my hand into her pert, perfect breast.
"How do you feel now?" she purred.
"OK" I replied.
Again, she said, "I'll bet you do. In fact, I'll bet you've never felt THIS good before!"
Unbelievably I heard myself saying "Well, actually I have. In that game, we were down by six points with about 20 seconds left in the match. The Opposition kicked the ball deep into our half of the field, where I caught it. I ran up field, side-stepping past the first few defenders, palmed off a couple of would-be tacklers burst through a few forwards, chipped over their fullback, regathered and scored a Try right under the posts with about 2 or 3 seconds 'til full time. We were still behind by one point, but I had a simple kick at goal with which to win the match and......... "
" Ahhh...." she growled between clenched teeth, more than a bit miffed, pulled my hand from under her top and thrust it down the front of her skirt. My fingers immediately met what felt like a wisp of soft cotton, and she was wet!
She snapped, "Well tell me this, Smart Ass: Have you ever felt such a c*nt?"
"I certainly have" I answered, "I missed the kick."
A widowed lady, still in good shape, was sunbathing on a deserted beach in Boca Raton, Florida. She looked up and noticed that a man her age, also in good shape, had walked up, placed his blanket on the sand near hers and began reading a book.
Smiling, she attempted to strike up a conversation with him. "How are you today?"
"Fine, thank you," he responded, and turned back to his book.
"I love the beach. Do you come here often?" she asked.
"First time since my wife passed away 2 years ago." he replied and turned back to his book.
"I'm sorry to hear that. My husband passed away three years ago and it is very lonely, she countered. "Do you live around here?" She asked.
"Yes, I live over in Coral Springs" he answered, and again he resumed reading.
Trying to find a topic of common interest, she persisted, "Do you like pussy cats?"
With that, the man dropped his book, came over to her blanket, tore off her swimsuit and gave her the most passionate lovemaking of her life.
When the cloud of sand began to settle, she gasped and asked the man, "How did you know that was what I wanted?"
The man replied. "How did you know my name was Katz?"
After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's license to verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later. The woman said, "Unbutton your shirt". So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair. She said, "That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me" and she processed my Social Security application. When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office. She said, "You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability, too".
My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table. My wife asked, "Do you know her?" "Yes," I sighed, "She's my old girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since." "My God!" says my wife, "Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?"
Forty Gypsies arrive at the Pearly Gates in their Transit vans and caravans.
St Peter goes into the gatehouse and phones up God, saying. "I've got 40 travellers here. Can I let them in?"
God says "We are over quota on Pikeys. Go out to the Pearly Gates and tell them to choose between them which are the 12 most worthy and I will let just the dozen in."
Less than a minute later St Peter is on the phone to God again. "They've gone!" he tells God.
"What?" says God, "All 40 of them?"
"No, the f***ing gates!"
The only way to pull off a Sunday afternoon quickie with their 8 year-old son in the apartment was to send him out on the balcony with a lollipop and tell him to report on all the neighbourhood activities.
He began his commentary as his parents put their plan into operation:
"There's a car being towed from the parking lot", he shouted.
"An ambulance just drove by."
"Looks like the Anderson's have company", he called out.
"Matt's riding a new bike...."
"Looks like the Sanders are moving"
"Jason is on his skate board...."
After a few moments he announced, "The Coopers are having sex!!"
Startled, his Mother and Dad shot up in bed! Dad cautiously called out, "How do you know they are having sex?"
"Jimmy Cooper is standing on his balcony with a lollipop."
Once upon a time in the Kingdom of Heaven, God went missing for six days. Eventually Archangel Michael found him on the seventh day resting.
He enquired of God "Where have you been?"
God pointed downwards through the clouds. "Look Michael look what I've made" said God.
Archangel Michael looked puzzled and said "What is it?"
"It's a planet" replied God "and I've put LIFE on it. I'm going to call it Earth and it's going to be a great place of balance."
"Balance?" inquired Michael still confused. God explained pointing down to different parts of the Earth "For example North America will be a place of great opportunity and wealth while South America is going to be poor, the Middle East over there will be a hot spot and Russia will be a cold spot. Over there I've placed a continent of white people and over there is a continent of black people."
God continued pointing to the different countries. "This one will be extremely hot and arid while this one will be very cold and covered in ice."
The Archangel, impressed by God's work, then pointed to another area of land and asked "What's that?"
"Ah" said God. "That's the North of England the most glorious place on earth. There are beautiful people, seven Premiership football teams in the North West alone and many impressive cities. It is the home of the world's finest artists, musicians, writers, thinkers, explorers and politicians. The people from the North of England are going to be modest intelligent and humorous and they're going to be found travelling the world. They'll be extremely sociable hardworking and high-achieving and they will be known throughout the world as speakers of truth."
Michael gasped in wonder and admiration but then proclaimed "What about balance God you said there will be BALANCE!"
God replied very wisely "Wait till you see the bunch of tossers I'm putting down South!"
A young reporter went to a retirement home to interview an aged but legendary motorcyclist. The reporter asked the old man to tell him the most frightening experience he had ever had.
The old Phoenix member said, "Once I was drag racing a blown Harley at Santa Pod against an American hot rod. I was watching the lights, opening the throttle and holding the clutch in. Suddenly the clutch cable broke and I wheelied off with a mighty ROARRRR! I soiled myself."
The reporter said, "Under those circumstances anyone would have done the same."
The old rider said, "No, not then - just now when I went ROARRRR!"
When I was 14, I hoped that one day I would have a girlfriend.
When I was 16 I got a girlfriend, but there was no passion, so I decided I needed a passionate girl with a zest for life.
In college I dated a passionate girl, but she was too emotional. Everything was an emergency; she was a drama queen, cried all the time and threatened suicide. So I decided I needed a girl with stability.
When I was 25 I found a very stable girl but she was boring. She was totally predictable and never got excited about anything. Life became so dull that I decided that I needed a girl with some excitement.
When I was 28 I found an exciting girl, but I couldn't keep up with her. She rushed from one thing to another, never settling on anything. She did mad impetuous things and made me miserable as often as happy. She was great fun initially and very energetic, but directionless. So I decided to find a girl with some real ambition.
When I turned 30, I found a smart ambitious girl with her feet planted firmly on the ground, so I married her. She was so ambitious that she divorced me and took everything I owned.
I am older and wiser now, and am looking for a girl with big tits.
Three women go down to Mexico one night to celebrate college graduation. They have way too much to drink and wake up in jail, only to find that they are to be executed in the morning - though none of them can remember what they did the night before.
The first one, a redhead, is strapped in the electric chair and is asked if she has any last words. She says, "I just graduated from Bible College and believe in the almighty power of God to intervene on the behalf of the innocent." They throw the switch and nothing happens. They all immediately fall to the floor on their knees, beg for forgiveness, and release her.
The second one, a brunette, is strapped in and gives her last words. "I just graduated from the Harvard School of Law and I believe in the power of Justice to intervene on the part of the innocent." They throw the switch and again nothing happens. Again they all immediately fall to their knees, beg for forgiveness and release her.
The last one, a blonde, is strapped in and says, "Well I'm from the University of Texas and just graduated with a degree in Electrical Engineering, and I'll tell ya right now, ya'll ain't gonna electrocute nobody if you don't plug this thing in."
A woman was very distraught at the fact that she had not had a date or any sex in quite some time. She was afraid she might have something wrong with her, so she decided to seek the medical expertise of a sex therapist.
Her doctor recommended that she see the well known Chinese sex therapist Dr. Chang.
So she went to see him; upon entering the examination room Dr. Chang said "OK take off all your crose."
The woman did as she was told; "Now get down and craw reery, reery fass to odderside of room." Again the woman did as she was instructed; Dr. Chang then said "OK, now craw reery, reery fass back to me."
So she did.
Dr. Chang shook his head slowly and said "Your probrem vewy bad. You haf Ed Zachary disease; worse case I ever see. Dat why you not haf sex or dates."
The worried woman asked anxiously "Oh my God Dr.Chang what is Ed Zachary Disease?"
Dr. Chang sighed deeply and replied "Ed Zachary Disease is when your face look Ed Zachary like your arse."
Two past members were eating breakfast in a restaurant one morning. Ernest noticed something funny about Arthur's ear and he said, "Arthur, do you know you've got a suppository in your left ear?"
Arthur answered, "I have a suppository in my ear?"
He pulled it out and stared at it. Then he said, "Ernest, I'm glad you saw this thing. Now I think I know where to find my hearing aid."
When Madonna first moved to England she said she wanted to be more English.
She is now an unmarried mother, with 3 kids, one of them black.
JOB DONE THEN!
At the end of a bar stood an ex-club member. He's having a few beers when a short, well-dressed and obviously gay man walks in and sits beside him.
After three or four beers the gay fella finally plucks up the courage to say something to the old biker. Leaning over he whispers, "Do you want a blow-job?"
At this the biker leaps up with fire in his eyes and smacks the man in the face, knocking him swiftly off the stool. He proceeds to beat him all the way out of the bar before leaving him bruised and battered in the car park, and returned to his seat at the bar.
Amazed, the barman quickly brings over another beer. "I've never seen you react like that", he says, "Just what did he say to you?"
"I'm not sure", the past member replies, "something about a job...."
Two past members took their young son on a holiday and went to a nude beach. The father went for a walk on the beach and his son went to play in the water. The son came running up to his mum and said "Mummy, I saw ladies with boobies a lot bigger than yours!"
Mum said, "The bigger they are, the dumber they are."
So he went back to play. Minutes later he ran back and said, "Mummy, I saw men with willies a lot bigger than Daddy's!"
The mum says, "The bigger they are, the dumber they are."
So he went back to play. Several minutes later he came running back and said, "Mummy, I just saw Daddy talking to the dumbest lady I ever saw and the more and more he talked, the dumber and dumber he got!"
Bob, an ex-member, walked into a bar around 9:58 pm and sat down next to a blonde.
The news was about to start and so they both looked up at the TV above the bar.
The news crew was covering a story of a man on a ledge of a large building preparing to jump.
The blonde looked at Bob and said "Do you think he'll do it?"
Bob says "You know what, I bet he will jump."
The blonde replied "Well, I bet he won't."
Bob placed £10 on the bar and said "You're on!"
Just as the blonde placed her money on the bar, the guy on the ledge did a swan dive off the building, falling to his death. The blonde was very upset but, without grudge, handed her £10 to Bob, saying
"Fair's fair. Here's your money."
Bob replied "I can't take your money, I saw this earlier on the 5pm news and so I knew he'd jump."
The blond responded "I did too but I didn't think he'd do it again."
Bob took the money!
John and Helen met while on vacation, and John fell head over heels 'In Love' with her. But after a couple of weeks in which John took Helen out to various dance clubs, restaurants, concerts, etc. He was convinced that it was true love.
And so....on the last night of his vacation, the two of them went to dinner and had a serious talk about how the relationship would continue. "It's only fair to warn you, I'm a total golf nut," John said to his newfound lady friend. "I eat, sleep and breathe golf, so if that's going to be a problem, you'd better say so now!"
Helen took a deep breath and responded: "Since we're being honest with each other, here goes ... You need to know that I'm a hooker."
"I see." John replied. "That's a problem, for sure." He spent some time looking down at the table, deep in thought. Then he added, "You know, it's probably because you're not keeping your wrists straight when you tee off."
Far away in the tropical waters of the Caribbean , two prawns were swimming around in the sea
One called Justin and the other called Christian.
The prawns were constantly being harassed and threatened by sharks that inhabited the area.
Finally one day Justin said to Christian, "I'm fed up with being prawn; I wish I was a shark, and then I wouldn't have any worries about being eaten."
A large mysterious cod appeared and said, "Your wish is granted"
Lo and behold, Justin turned into a shark.
Horrified, Christian immediately swam away, afraid of being eaten by his old mate.
Time passed (as it does) and Justin found life as a shark boring and lonely.
All his old mates simply swam away whenever he came close to them.
Justin didn't realize that his new menacing appearance was the cause of his sad plight.
While swimming alone one day he saw the mysterious cod again and he thought perhaps the mysterious fish could change him back into a prawn.
He approached the cod and begged to be changed back, and, lo and behold, he found himself turned back into a prawn.
With tears of joy in his tiny little eyes Justin swam back to his friends and bought them all a cocktail.
Looking around the gathering at the reef he realized he couldn't see his old pal.
"Where's Christian?" he asked.
'He"s at home, still distraught that his best friend changed sides to the enemy & became a shark", came the reply.
Eager to put things right again and end the mutual pain and torture, he set off to Christian's abode.
As he opened the coral gate, memories came flooding back.
He banged on the door and shouted, "It's me, Justin, your old friend, come out and see me again."
Christian replied, "No way man, you'll eat me. You're now a shark, the enemy, and I'll not be tricked into being your dinner."
Justin cried back "No, I'm not. That was the old me. I've changed."
"I've found Cod. I'm a Prawn again Christian"
A golfer playing in Ireland hooked his drive into the woods. Looking for his ball, he found a little Leprechaun flat on his back, a big bump on his head and the golfer's ball beside him.
Horrified, the golfer got his water bottle from the cart and poured it over the little guy, reviving him.
"Arrgh! What happened?" the Leprechaun asked.
"I'm afraid I hit you with my golf ball." the golfer says.
"Oh, I see. Well, ye got me fair and square. Ye get three wishes, so whaddya want?"
"Thank God, you're all right!" the golfer answers in relief. "I don't want anything, I'm just glad you're OK, and I apologize."
And the golfer walks off. "What a nice guy," the Leprechaun says to himself. "I have to do something for him. I'll give him the three things I would want... a great golf game, all the money he ever needs, and a fantastic sex life."
A year goes by and the golfer is back. On the same hole, he again hits a bad drive into the woods and the Leprechaun is there waiting for him.
"Twas me that made ye hit the ball here," the little guy says. "I just want to ask ye, how's yer golf game?"
"My game is fantastic!" the golfer answers. "I'm an internationally famous golfer now." He adds, "By the way, it's good to see you're all right."
"Oh, I'm fine now, thank ye. I did that fer yer golf game, you know. And tell me, how's yer money situation?"
"Why, it's just wonderful!" the golfer states. "When I need cash, I just reach in my pocket and pull out $100 bills I didn't even know were there!"
"I did that fer ye also. And tell me, how's yer sex life?"
The golfer blushes, turns his head away in embarrassment, and says shyly, "It's OK."
"C'mon, c'mon now," urged the Leprechaun, "I'm wanting to know if I did a good job. How many times a week?"
Blushing even more, the golfer looks around then whispers, "Once, sometimes twice a week."
"What??" responds the Leprechaun in shock. "That's all? Only once or twice a week?"
"Well," says the golfer, "I figure that's not bad for a Catholic priest in a small parish."
THE THREE BEARS
A far more accurate account of the events of that fateful morning...
Baby bear goes downstairs, sits in his small chair at the table. He looks into his small bowl. It is empty. "Who's been eating my porridge?" he squeaks.
Daddy Bear arrives at the big table and sits in his big chair. He looks into his big bowl and it is also empty. "Who's been eating my porridge?!?" he roars.
Mummy Bear puts her head through the serving hatch from the kitchen and yells, "For God's sake, how many times do I have to go through this with you idiots? It was Mummy Bear who got up first. It was Mummy Bear who woke everyone in the house. It was Mummy Bear who made the coffee. It was Mummy Bear who unloaded the dishwasher from last night and put everything away. It was Mummy Bear who swept the floor in the kitchen. It was Mummy Bear who went out in the cold early morning air to fetch the newspaper and croissants. It was Mummy Bear who set the damn table.
"It was Mummy Bear who walked the bloody dog, cleaned the cat's litter tray, gave them their food, and refilled their water.
"And now that you've decided to drag your sorry bear-asses downstairs and grace Mummy Bear with your grumpy presence, listen carefully, because I'm only going to say this once....
"I HAVEN'T MADE THE F***ING PORRIDGE YET"
Grandmas don't know everything...
Little Tony was 9 years old and was staying with his grandmother for a few days.
He'd been playing outside with the other kids for a while when he came into the house and asked her,
"Grandma, what's that called when two people sleep in the same room and one is on top of the other?"
She was a little taken aback, but she decided to tell him the truth.
"It's called sexual intercourse, darling."
Little Tony said, "Oh, OK." and went back outside to play with the other kids.
A few minutes later he came back in and said angrily,
"Grandma, it isn't called sexual intercourse. It's called Bunk Beds.
"And Jimmy's mum wants to talk to you."
A little old lady is walking down the street, dragging two large plastic rubbish bags with her, one in each hand. Unfortunately, there's a rip in one of the bags, and every once in a while a £20 note falls out onto the pavement.
Noticing this, a policeman stops her. "Excuse me, there are £20 notes falling out of your bag "
"Oh, really? I'd better go back and see if I can collect them. Thanks for the warning!"
"Well, now, not so fast," says the Policeman.
"How did you get all that money? You didn't steal it, did you?"
"Oh, no," says the little old lady. "You see, my back garden is right next to the car park of the football stadium. Each time there's a game, a lot of fans come and pee through the bushes, right into my flower beds!
So,I go and stand behind the bushes with a big hedge clipper, and each time someone sticks his little thingy through the bushes, I say, '£20, or off it comes.'"
"Well, that seems only fair," laughs the Policeman. "Okay, good luck! By the way, what's in the other bag?"
"Well," says the little old lady, "not everybody pays."
She was standing in the kitchen preparing to boil eggs for breakfast, Wearing only the T' shirt that she normally slept in.
As I walked in almost awake, She turned and said softly, "You've got to make love to me this very moment."
My eyes lit up and I thought, "I am either still dreaming or this is going to be my lucky day."
Not wanting to lose the moment, I embraced her and then gave it my all; Right there on the kitchen table.
Afterwards she said, "Thanks," and returned to the stove, her 'T' shirt still around her neck.
A little puzzled, I asked, "What was that all about?"
She explained, "The egg timer's broken."
A man met a beautiful blonde lady and decided he wanted to marry her right away.
She said, "But we don't know anything about each other."
He said, "That's all right, we'll learn about each other as we go along."
So she consented, they were married, and off they went on a honeymoon at a very nice resort.
One morning they were lying by the pool, when he got up off of his towel, climbed up to the 10 metre board and did a two and a half tuck, followed by three rotations in the pike position, at which point he straightened out and cut the water like a knife.
After a few more demonstrations, he came back and lay down on the towel.
She said, "That was incredible!"
He said, "I used to be an Olympic diving champion. You see, I told you we'd learn more about each other as we went along."
So she got up, jumped in the pool and started doing lengths.
After seventy-five lengths she climbed out of the pool, lay down on her towel and was hardly out of breath.
He said, "That was incredible! Were you an Olympic endurance swimmer?"
"No," she said, "I was a prostitute in Liverpool but I worked both sides of the Mersey."
Siamese twins walk into a pub in Brisbane and park themselves on a bar stool.
One of them says to the barman, "Don't mind us, we're joined at the hip. I'm Joe, he's Jim, we'll have two XXXX Draught beers please"
The barman, feeling slightly awkward, tries to make polite conversation while pouring the beers.
"Been on holiday yet, boys?"
"Off to America next month," says Joe. "We go to the States every year and hire a car and drive for miles, don't we, Jim?"
"Ah, America," says the barman. "Wonderful country ... The history, the beer, the culture..."
"Nah, we don't like that US garbage." says Joe.
"Meat Pies & XXXX beer, that's us, hey Jim?"
"We can't stand the Yanks - they're arrogant, rude & egotistical."
"So why keep going to America?" asks the barman.
Joe replies, "It's the only chance Jim gets to drive."
A virile, middle aged Italian gentlemen named Guido was relaxing at his favourite bar in Rome, when he managed to attract a spectacular young blond woman.
Things progressed to the point where he took her back to his apartment and, after some small talk, they retired to his bedroom where he rattled her senseless.
After a pleasant interlude, he asked with a smile, "So........ You finish?"
She paused for a second, frowned, and replied, "No."
Surprised, Guido reached for her and the rattling resumed.
This time she thrashed about wildly and there were screams of passion.
The sex finally ended and, again, Guido smiled and asked, "You finish?"
Again, after a short pause, she returned his smile, cuddled closer to him and softly said, "No."
Stunned, but damned if he was going to leave this woman unsatisfied, Guido reached for the woman yet again. Using the last of his strength, he barely managed it, but they ended together screaming, bucking, clawing and ripping the bed sheets.
Exhausted, Guido fell onto his back, gasping, barely able to turn his head, he looked into her eyes, smiled proudly and asked again, "You finish?"
Barely able to speak, the beautiful blond whispered in his ear, "No, I Norwegian."
The love story of Ralph and Edna.
Just because someone doesn't love you the way you want them to, doesn't mean they don't love you with all they have.
Ralph and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital.
One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool. Ralph suddenly jumped into the deep end. He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there. Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled him out.
When the Head Nurse Director became aware of Edna's heroic act she immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as she now considered her to be mentally stable.
When she went to tell Edna the news she said, "Edna, I have good news and bad news. The good news is you're being discharged, since you were able to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life of the person you love. I have concluded that your act displays sound mindedness. The bad news is, Ralph hung himself in the bathroom with his bathrobe belt right after you saved him. I am so sorry, but he's dead."
Edna replied, "He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry. How soon can I go home?"
A passenger in a taxi leaned over to ask the driver a question and tapped him on the shoulder. The driver screamed, lost control of the cab, nearly hit a bus, drove up over the curb, and stopped just inches from a large plate glass window.
For a few moments everything was silent in the cab, and then the still = shaking driver said, "I'm sorry, but you scared the daylights out of me."
The frightened passenger apologized to the driver and said he didn't realize a mere tap on the shoulder could frighten him so much.
The driver replied, "No, no, I'm sorry, it's entirely my fault. Today is my first day driving a cab."
"For the last 25 years I've been driving a hearse."
Maria had just got married, and being a traditional Italian, she was still a virgin.
On her wedding night, she stayed at her mother's house, and was very nervous.
Her mother reassured her: "Don't worry Maria, Tony's a good man. Go upstairs and he'll take care of you. Meanwhile, I'll be making pasta."
So, up she went. When she got upstairs, Tony took off his shirt and exposed his hairy chest.
Maria ran downstairs to her mother and says, "Mama, Mama, Tony's got a big hairy chest."
"Don't worry, Maria," says the mother, "All good men have hairy chests. Go back he'll take good care of you."
So, up she went again. When she got up in the bedroom, Tony took off his pants exposing his hairy legs.
Again, Maria ran downstairs to her mother, "Mama, Mama, Tony took off his pants and he's got hairy legs!"
"Don't worry! All good men have hairy legs. Tony's a good man. Go upstairs and he'll take good care of you."
So, up she went again. When she got there, Tony took off his socks and on his left foot he was missing three toes.
When Maria saw this, she ran downstairs. "Mama, Mama, Tony's got a foot and a half!"
Her Mama said, "Stay here and stir the pasta."
Past member Tom quit his job and bought 50 acres of land in Alaska as far from humanity as possible.
He saw the postman once a week and fetched groceries once a month. Otherwise it was total peace and quiet.
After six months or so of almost total isolation, someone knocked on his door.
He opened it and a huge, bearded man was standing there.
"Name's Lars, your neighbour from forty miles up the road. Having a Christmas party Friday night. Thought you might like to come. About 5:00."
"Great", said Tom, "after six months out here I'm ready to meet some local folks. Thank you."
As Lars was leaving, he stopped. "Gotta warn you, be some drinkin'."
"Not a problem," said Tom. "After 25 years of being a rally going LPMCC member, I can drink with the best of 'em."
Again, the big man started to leave and stopped. "More'n likely gonna be some fightin' too."
"Well, I get along with people, I'll be all right. I'll be there. Thanks again."
"More'n likely be some wild sex, too."
"Now that's really not a problem." said Tom, warming to the idea. "I've been all alone for six months! I'll definitely be there."
"By the way, what should I wear?"
"Don't much matter ... Just gonna be the two of us."
Recently a routine Police patrol car parked outside the local bikes' pub. Late in the evening the officer noticed a man leaving the bar so intoxicated that he could barely walk. The man stumbled around the car park for a few minutes, with the officer quietly observing. After what seemed an eternity and trying his keys on five bikes. The man managed to find his motorcycle, which he fell over. He was there for a few minutes as a number of other members left the bar and rode off. Finally he kicked his bike into life, flicked the indicators on, then off, tooted the horn and then switched on the lights.
He wobbled his bike forward a few metres, almost toppled over and then remained stationary for a few more minutes as some more riders left. At last he pulled out of the car park and started to weave slowly down the road. The Police officer, having patiently waited all this time, now started up the patrol car, put on the flashing lights, promptly pulled the biker over and carried out a random breathalyser test. To his amazement the breathalyser indicated no evidence of the man's intoxication.
The Police officer said "I'll have to ask you to accompany me to the Police station - this breathalyser equipment must be broken."
I doubt it," said the rider, "tonight I'm the designated decoy".
A woman was in town on a shopping trip. She began her day finding the most perfect shoes in the first shop and a beautiful dress on sale in the second. In the third everything had just been reduced to a fiver when her mobile phone rang. It was a female doctor notifying her that her husband had just been in a terrible motorcycle accident and was in critical condition in hospital.
The woman told the doctor to inform her husband where she was and that she'd be there as soon as possible.
As she hung up she realized she was leaving what was shaping up to be her best day ever in the shops. She decided to get in a couple of more shops before heading to the hospital.
She ended up shopping the rest of the morning, finishing her trip with a cup of coffee and a beautiful cream slice complementary from the last shop. She was jubilant.
Then she remembered her husband. Feeling guilty, she dashed to the hospital. She saw the doctor in the corridor and asked about her husband's condition.
The lady doctor glared at her and shouted, "You went ahead and finished your shopping trip didn't you! I hope you're proud of yourself! While you were out for the past four hours enjoying yourself in town, your husband has been languishing in the Intensive Care Unit! It's just as well you went ahead and finished, because it will more than likely be the last shopping trip you ever take! For the rest of his life he will require round the clock care. And you'll now be his carer!"
The woman was feeling so guilty she broke down and sobbed.
The lady doctor then chuckled and said, "I'm just pulling your leg. He's dead. What did you buy?"
A man comes home and gives his wife a cocksucking frog,
She said "What the fuck do you want me to do with this?"
He said, "Teach it to cook!"
Two women friends went for a girl's night out.
Both were very faithful and loving wives; however they became over-enthusiastic on the Bacardi Breezers.
Incredibly drunk and walking home they needed to pee, so they stopped in the Cemetery.
Neither had anything to wipe with so one of them thought she would take off her panties and use them.
Her friend however was wearing a rather expensive pair of panties and did not want to ruin them.
She was lucky enough to squat down next to a grave that had a wreath with a ribbon on it, so she wiped with that.
After the girls did their business they continued on home.
The next day one of the woman's husband was concerned that his normally sweet and innocent wife was still in bed, hung over; so he phoned the other husband and said: "These girl nights out have got to stop! I'm starting to suspect the worst. My wife came home with no panties!"
"That's nothing," said the other husband. "Mine came back with a card stuck to her arse that said ...
"From all of us at the Fire Station. We'll never forget you."
A.A.A.D.D. KNOW THE SYMPTOMS....PLEASE READ!
Thank goodness there's a name for this disorder.
Somehow I feel better, even though I have it!
Recently, I was diagnosed with A.A.A.D.D. - Age Activated Attention Deficit Disorder.
This is how it manifests:
I decided to water my garden.
As I turned on the hose in the driveway, I looked over at my car and decided it needed washing.
As I started toward the garage, I noticed mail on the hall table that I took in earlier.
I decided to go through the mail while I still had dry hands.
I put my car keys on the table, threw the junk mail into the garbage box under the table, and saw that the bin was full.
So I put the bills back on the table and took out the garbage first.
But then I thought, since I'm going to be near the mailbox when I take out the garbage anyway, I may as well pay the bills first.
I took my cheque book off the table and saw that there was only one cheque left.
My extra cheques are in my desk in the study, so I went inside the house to my desk where I found the can of Coke I'd been drinking.
I was going to look for my cheques, but first I pushed the Coke aside so that I didn't accidentally knock it over.
The Coke was getting warm so I decided to put it in the refrigerator to keep it cold.
As I headed toward the kitchen with the Coke, a vase of flowers on the counter caught my eye - they needed water.
I put the Coke on the counter and discovered my reading glasses that I'd been searching for all morning.
I decided I better put them back on my desk, but first I was going to water the flowers.
I set the glasses back down on the counter, filled a container with water and spotted the TV remote. Someone left it on the kitchen table.
I realised that tonight, when we go to watch TV, I'd be looking for the remote, but I won't remember that it's on the kitchen table, so I decide to put it back in the front room where it belongs, but first I'd water the flowers.
I started to pour some water in the flowers, but quite a bit of it spilt on the floor.
So I set the remote back on the table, got some towels and wiped up the spill.
Then, I headed down the hall trying to remember what I was planning to do.
At the end of the day: the car wasn't washed, the bills weren't paid, a warm can of Coke was sitting on the counter, the flowers didn't have enough water, there was still only 1 cheque in my cheque book, I couldn't find the remote, I'd lost my glasses and I couldn't remember what I did with the car keys.
Then, when I tried to figure out why nothing got done, I was really baffled because I know I was busy all damn day, and I was really tired.
I realise this is a serious problem, and I'll try to get some help for it, but first I'll check my e-mail....
Don't laugh - if this isn't you yet, your day is coming!
It was the talk of the club when an 80 year old em-member married a 20 year old girl.
After a year of marriage she went into the hospital to give birth.
The nurse came out to congratulate the fellow saying: "This is amazing. How do you do it at your age?"
He answered, "You got to keep the old motor running."
The following year the young bride gave birth again.
The same nurse said: "You're amazing. How do you do it?"
He again said: "You've got the keep the old motor running."
The same thing happened the next year.
The nurse then said: "Well, well, well! You certainly are quite a man!"
He responded again, "You've got to keep that old motor running."
The nurse said: "Well, you better change the oil. This one's black."
A mechanic was removing a cylinder head from the motor of a BSA motorcycle when he spotted a well-known heart surgeon in his shop. The surgeon was there waiting for the service manager to come take a look at his bike. The mechanic shouted across the garage, "Hey Doc can I ask you a question?"
The surgeon, a bit surprised, walked over to the mechanic working on the motorcycle. The mechanic straightened up, wiped his hands on a rag and asked, "So Doc, look at this engine. I open its heart, take valves out, fix them, put them back in, and when I finish, it works just like new."
"So how come I get such a small salary and you get the really big bucks, when you and I are doing basically the same work?"
The surgeon paused, smiled, leaned over and whispered to the mechanic ...
"Try doing it with the engine running."
A past member went in for his yearly physical with his wife tagging along.
When the doctor entered the examination room he said, "I will need a urine sample, a stool sample, and a sperm sample."
Our pal, being hard of hearing, turned to his wife and asked, "What did he say?"
His wife yelled back to him, "GIVE HIM YOUR UNDERPANTS"
A motorcycle patrolman was rushed to the hospital with an inflamed appendix. The doctors operated and advised him that all was well.
However, the patrolman kept feeling something pulling at the hairs in his crotch. Worried that it might be a second surgery and the doctors hadn't told him about it, he finally got enough energy, and courage, to pull his hospital gown up enough so he could look at what was making him so uncomfortable.
Taped firmly across his pubic hair were three wide strips of adhesive tape, the kind that doesn't come off easily.
Written in large black letters was the sentence:
"Get well soon ... from the nurse on the Honda scooter you pulled over last week."
The FBI had an opening for an assassin.
After all the background checks, interviews and testing were done, there were three finalists; Two men and a woman.
For the final test, the FBI agents took one of The men to a large metal door and handed him a gun.
"We must know that you will follow your instructions no matter what the circumstances. Inside the room you will find your wife sitting in a chair .. . . Kill her!"
The man said, "You can't be serious. I could Never shoot my wife."
The agent said, "Then you're not the right man for this job. Take your wife and go home."
The second man was given the same instructions.
He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about 5 minutes. The man came out with tears in his eyes, "I tried, but I can't kill my wife."
The agent said, "You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go home."
Finally, it was the woman's turn. She was given the same instructions, to kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet.
The door opened slowly and there stood the woman, wiping the sweat from her brow.
"This gun is loaded with blanks" she said. "I had to beat him to death with the chair."
MORAL: Women are crazy. Don't mess with them.
A crusty old biker on his way to a rally pulled up to a tavern in the middle of nowhere, parked his bike and walked inside. As he passed through the swinging door, he saw a sign hanging over the bar:
COLD BEER : £2.00
HAMBURGER : £2.25
CHEESEBURGER : £2.50
CHICKEN SANDWICH : £3.50
HAND JOB : £50.00
Checking his wallet to be sure he had the necessary payment, the old biker walked up to the bar and beckoned to the exceptionally attractive female bartender who was serving drinks to a couple of sun-wrinkled farmers.
She glided down behind the bar to the old biker.
"Yes?" she enquired with a wide, knowing smile, "may I help you?"
The old biker leaned over the bar, "I was wondering young lady," he whispered, "are you the one who gives the hand-jobs?"
She looked into his eyes with that wide smile and purred, "Why yes, yes, I sure am".
The old biker leaned closer and into her left ear whispered softly, "Well, wash your hands real good, 'cos I want a cheeseburger".
Daffy duck on a dirty weekend calls reception and asks for condoms. The reception says, "Shall I put them on your bill?"
"Don't be thucking thupid, I'd thufficate."
Took my dad to the shopping centre the other day to buy some new shoes (he is 94). We decided to grab a bite at the food court.
I noticed he was watching a teenager sitting next to him. The teenager had spiked hair in all different colours: green, red, orange, and blue.
My dad kept staring at him.
The teenager would look and find him staring every time. When the teenager had had enough, he sarcastically asked: "What's the matter old man, never done anything wild in your life?"
Knowing my Dad, I quickly swallowed my food so that I would not choke on his response, knowing he would have a good one.
And in classic style he did not bat an eye in his response: "Got stoned once and fu**ed a peacock. I was just wondering if you were my son."
Three Hillbillies were sitting on a porch shootin' the breeze.
1st Hillbilly said: "My wife sure is stupid! ... She bought an air conditioner."
2nd Hillbilly said: "Why is that stupid?"
1st Hillbilly said: "We ain't got no 'lectricity!"
2nd Hillbilly said: "That's nothin'! My wife is so stupid, she bought one of them new fangled warshin' machines!"
1st Hillbilly said: "Why is that so stupid?"
2nd Hillbilly said: "'Cause we ain't got no plummin'!"
3rd Hillbilly said: "That ain't nuthin'! My wife is dumber than both yer wifes put together! I was going through her purse the other day lookin' fer some change, and I found 6 condoms in thar."
1st and 2nd Hillbillies said: "Well, what's so dumb about that? "
3rd Hillbilly said: "She ain't got no pecker.
A man got on the bus with both of his front pockets full of golf balls and sat down next to a beautiful blonde. The puzzled blonde kept looking at him and his bulging pockets.
Finally, after many such glances from her, he said, "Its golf balls."
Nevertheless, the blonde continued to look at him for a very long time, thinking deeply about what he had said.
After several minutes, not being able to contain her curiosity any longer, she asked, "Does it hurt as much as tennis elbow?"
Thanks for all the jokes from Adam Fosberry and others.