Where do all the joke keep coming from? The Foz Spot of course! And the great bunch of contributors who keep us laughing out loud.
An Amish woman and her daughter were riding in an old buggy one cold blustery day.
The daughter said to her mother, "My hands are freezing cold."
The mother replied, "Put them between your legs. Your body heat will warm them up."
The daughter did, and her hands warmed up.
The next day, the daughter was riding with her boyfriend who said, "My hands are freezing cold."
The girl replied, "Put them between my legs. The warmth of my body will warm them up."
He did and warmed his hands.
The following day, the boyfriend was again in the buggy with the daughter.
He said, "My nose is cold."
The girl replied, "Put it between my legs. The warmth of my body will warm it up".
He did and warmed his nose.
The next day the boyfriend was again driving with the daughter, and he said, "My penis is frozen solid."
The following day the daughter was driving in the buggy with her mother again, and she says to her mother, "Have you ever heard of a penis?"
Slightly concerned the mother said," Why, yes...?! Why do you ask?"
The daughter replies: "They make one hell of a mess when they defrost, don't they?!"
Just wanted to send you this Warning and to be on the lookout!
I thought you would want to know about this e-mail virus. Even the most advanced programs from Norton or McAfee cannot take care of this one.
It appears to affect those who were born prior to 1960.
1. Causes you to send the same e-mail twice.
2. Causes you to send a blank e-mail.
3. Causes you to send e-mail to the wrong person.
4. Causes you to send it back to the person who sent it to you.
5. Causes you to forget to attach the attachment.
6. Causes you to hit "SEND" before you've finished.
7. Causes you to hit "DELETE" instead of "SEND."
8. Causes you to hit "SEND" when you should "DELETE."
IT IS CALLED THE "C-NILE VIRUS."
A very loud, unattractive, hard-faced woman walked into Tesco with her two kids in tow, screaming obscenities at them all the way through the entrance.
The door greeter said, "Good morning and welcome to Tesco, nice children you've got there. Are they twins?"
The fat ugly woman stopped screaming long enough to snarl: "Of course they bloody aren't! The oldest is nine and the youngest is seven. Why the hell would you think they're twins? Do you really think they look alike, you dickhead?"
"Absolutely not," replied the greeter, "I just can't believe anyone would shag you twice!"
The SAS, the Parachute Regiment and the Police decide to go on a survival weekend together to see who comes out on top. After some basic exercises the trainer tells them that their next objective is to go down into the woods and catch a rabbit, returning with it ready to skin and cook.
First up - the SAS. They don infrared goggles, drop to the ground and crawl into the woods in formation. Absolute silence for 5 minutes, followed by the unmistakable muffled "phut-phut" of their trademark silenced "double-tap". They emerge with a large rabbit shot cleanly between the eyes.
"Excellent!" remarks the trainer.
Next up - the Paras. They finish their cans of lager, smear themselves with camouflage cream, fix bayonets and charge down into the woods, screaming at the top of their lungs. For the next hour the woods ring with the sound of rifle and machine-gun fire, hand grenades, mortar bombs and blood curdling war cries. Eventually they emerge, carrying the charred remains of a rabbit.
"A bit messy, but you achieved the aim; well done", says the trainer.
Lastly, in go the coppers, walking slowly, hands behind backs whistling Dixon of Dock Green. For the next few hours, the silence is only broken by the occasional crackle of a walkie-talkie "Sierra Lima Whisky Tango Fanta One, suspect headed straight for you..." etc. After what seems an eternity, they emerge escorting a squirrel in handcuffs.
"What the hell do you think you are doing?" asks the incredulous trainer, "Take this squirrel back and get me a rabbit like I asked you five hours ago!".
So back they go. Minutes pass. Minutes turn to hours, night drags on and turns to day. The next morning, the trainer and the other teams are awakened by the police, holding the handcuffed squirrel, now covered in bruises, one eye nearly shut.
"Are you taking the p*ss!!??" asks the now seriously irate trainer.
The police team leader nudges the squirrel, who squeaks:
"Alright, alright, I'm a ******in' rabbit!"
This story happened a while ago in Dublin , and even though it sounds like an Alfred Hitchcock tale, its true. John Bradford, a Dublin University student, was on the side of the road hitchhiking on a very dark night and in the midst of a storm. The night was rolling on and no car went by. The storm was so strong he could hardly see a few feet ahead of him. Suddenly, he saw a car slowly coming towards him and stopped. John, desperate for shelter and without thinking about it, got into the car and closed the door.. only to realise there was nobody behind the wheel and the engine wasn't on!!
The car started moving slowly. John looked at the road ahead and saw a curve approaching. Scared, he started to pray, begging for his life.
Then, just before the car hit the curve, a hand appeared through the window and turned the wheel. John, paralysed with terror, watched as the hand repeatedly came through the window, but never touched or harmed him. Shortly thereafter John saw the lights of a pub appear down the road, so, gathering strength, he jumped out of the car and ran to it.
Wet and out of breath, he rushed inside and started telling everybody about the horrible experience he had just had. A silence enveloped the pub when everybody realised he was crying and....wasn't drunk. Suddenly, the door opened, and two other people walked in from the stormy night.
They, like John, were also soaked and out of breath. Looking around, and seeing John Bradford sobbing at the bar, one said to the other "Look Paddy, there's that f..king idiot that got in the car while we were pushing it!!!!"
A dwarf with a lisp goes into a stud farm, "I'd like to buy a horth"he says to the owner of the farm.
"What sort of horse?" said the owner.
"A female horth" the dwarf replies. So the owner shows him a mare.
"Nithe horth." says the dwarf, "Can I thee her eyeth?"
So the owner picks up the dwarf to show him the horses eyes.
"Nithe eyeth.", says the dwarf, "Can I thee her teeth?"
Again the owner picks up the dwarf to show him the horses teeth.
Nithe teeth.... can I see her eerth?" the dwarf says.
The owner is getting fed up but again picks up the dwarf to show him the horses ears.
"Nithe eerth.' He says, "Now...can I see her twot?"
With this the owner picks the dwarf up by the scruff of his neck and hoves his head deep inside the horse's v*gina. He holds him there for a couple of seconds before pulling him out and putting him down.
The dwarf shakes his head and says:
"Perhaps I should weefwaze that. Can I see her wun awound?"
A woman was at home when she heard someone knock at the door. She went to the door and opened the door to see a man standing there. He asked the lady "Do you have a vagina?"
She slammed the door in disgust.
The next morning she heard a knock at the door and it was the same man and he asked the same question of the woman, "Do you have a vagina?" She slammed the door again.
Later that night when her husband got home she told him what has happened for the last two days. The husband told his wife in a loving and concerned voice "Honey I am taking tomorrow off to be home just in case this guy shows up again".
The next morning they heard a knock at the door and both ran to the door.
The husband said to the wife in a whispered voice "Honey, I'm going to hide behind the door and listen and if it is the same guy I want you to answer 'yes' to the question because I want to see where he is going with it". She nodded yes to her husband and opened the door.
Sure enough the same fellow was standing there and asked the same question.
"Do you have a vagina?"
"Yes" she said.
The man replied. "Good! Would you mind telling your husband to leave my wife's alone and start using yours?"
An extremely modest man was in the hospital for a series of tests, the last of which had left his bodily systems extremely upset.
Upon making several false alarm trips to the bathroom, he decided the latest episode was another and stayed put. He suddenly filled his bed with diarrhoea and was embarrassed beyond his ability to remain rational.
In a complete loss of composure he jumped out of bed, gathered up the bed sheets, and threw them out the hospital window.
A Phoenix member was returning to a rally past the hospital when the sheets landed on him. He started yelling, cursing, and swinging his arms violently trying to get the unknown things off and ended up with the soiled sheets in a tangled pile at his feet.
As the past member stood there, unsteady on his feet, staring down at the sheets, a hospital security guard, (barely containing his laughter), and who had watched the whole incident, walked up and asked, "What the heck is going on here?"
The past member, still staring down replied: "I think I just beat the shit out of a ghost."
Herb decided to propose to Sandy, but prior to her acceptance Sandy had to confess to her man about her childhood illness.
She informed Herb that she suffered a disease that left her breasts at the maturity of a 12 year old. He stated that it was OK because he loved her sooo much.
However, Herb felt this was also the time for him to open up and admit that he had a deformity too. Herb looked Sandy in the eyes and said...."I too have a problem. My winky is the same size as an infant and I hope you could deal with that once we are married."
She said, "Yes I will marry you and learn to live with your infant size winky."
Sandy and Herb got married and they could not wait for the honeymoon.
Herb whisked Sandy off to their hotel suite and they started touching and teasing, holding one another.
As Sandy put her hands in Herb's pants, she began to scream and ran out of the room!
Herb ran after her to find out what was wrong.
She said, "You told me your winky was the size of an infant!"
"Yes, it is.... 7 pounds, 8 ounces & 19 inches long."
One evening a husband, thinking he was being funny, said to his wife. "Perhaps we should start washing your clothes in Slim Fast. Maybe it would take a few inches off of your butt!!"
His wife was not amused and decided that she simply couldn't let such a comment go unrewarded.
The next morning the husband took a pair of underwear out of his drawer.
"What the Hell is this?" he said to himself as a little 'dust' cloud appeared when he shook them out. "April," he hollered into the bathroom, "Why did you put talcum powder in my underwear?"
She replied with a snicker, "It's not talcum powder ... it's Miracle Grow".
I think you may be AT RISK.
There is a dangerous virus being passed around electronically, orally, and by hand.
This virus is called Weary-Overload-Recreational-Killer (WORK).
If you receive WORK from any of your colleagues, your boss, or anyone else via any means DO NOT TOUCH IT.
This virus will wipe out your private life completely.
If you should come into contact with WORK, put your jacket on and take two good friends to the nearest grocery store. Purchase the antidote known as Work-Isolating-Neutralizer-Extract (WINE) or Bothersome-Employer-Elimination-Rebooter (BEER). Take the antidote repeatedly until WORK has been completely eliminated from your system.
Just in case you ever get these two environments mixed up, this should make things a little bit clearer.
You spend the majority of your time in a 10X10 cell @ PRISON
You spend the majority of your time in an 6X6 cubicle /office @ WORK
You get three meals a day fully paid for @ PRISON
You get a break for one meal and you have to pay for it @ WORK
You get time off for good behavior @ PRISON
You get more work for good behavior @ WORK
The guard locks and unlocks all the doors for you @ PRISON
You must often carry a security card and open all the doors for yourself@ WORK
You can watch TV and play games @ PRISON
You could get fired for watching TV and playing games @ WORK
You get your own toilet @ PRISON
You have to share the toilet with some people who pee on the seat @ WORK
They allow your family and friends to visit @ PRISON
You aren't even supposed to speak to your family @ WORK
All expenses are paid by the taxpayers with no work required @ PRISON
You get to pay all your expenses to go to work, and they deduct taxes from your salary to pay for prisoners @ WORK
You spend most of your life inside bars wanting to get out you spend most of your time wanting to get out and go inside bars
@ PRISON you must deal with sadistic wardens
@ WORK they are called managers
THERE IS SOMETHING SERIOUSLY WRONG WITH THIS PICTURE!!!!
Now get back to work. You're not getting paid to check EMAIL
Three little ducks go into a bar ...
"Say, what's your name?" the bartender asked the first duck.
"Huey," was the reply.
"How's your day been, Huey?"
"Great. Lovely day. Had a ball. Been in and out of puddles all day. What else could a duck want?" said Huey.
"Oh. That's nice," said the bartender. He turned to the second duck,
"Hi, and what's your name?"
"Dewey," came the answer from duck number two.
"So how's your day been, Dewey?" he asked.
"Great. Lovely day. I've had a ball too. Been in and out of puddles all day myself. What else could a duck want?"
The bartender turned to the third duck and said, "So, you must be Louie?"
"No," she said, batting her eyelashes.
"My name is Puddles."
We all need a little stress-reliever! This only takes a minute.
Sometimes when you have a stressful day or week, you need some silliness to break up the day. If we are honest, we have a lot more stressful days than not.
Here is your dose of humour...
A. Follow the instructions to find your new name.
B. Once you have your new name, put it in the subject box and email it to friends and family & co-workers with the URL of this page ... www.lpmcc.net/news/foz12.htm#foz14
And don't go all adult - a senior manager is now known far & wide as Dorky Gizzardsniffer!
The following is excerpted from a children's book, Captain Underpants And the Perilous Plot Professor Poopypants, by Dave Pilkey, in which the evil Professor forces everyone to assume new names...
1. Use the third letter of your first name to determine your New first name:
2. Use the second letter of your last name to determine the first half of your new last name:
3. Use the third letter of your last name to determine the second half of your new last name:
Thus, for example, George W. Bush's new name is: Fluffy Chucklefanny.
Children laugh an average of 146 times a day; adults laugh an average of 4 times a day.
Put more laughter in your day.
A man came to visit his grandparents, and he noticed his grandfather sitting on the porch, in the rocking chair, wearing only a shirt, with nothing on from the waist down.
"Grandpa, what are you doing? Your weenie is out in the wind for everyone to see!" he exclaimed.
The old man looked off in the distance without answering.
"Grandpa, what are you doing sitting out here with nothing on below the waist?" he asked again.
The old man slowly looked at him and said, "Well ... last week I sat out here with no shirt on, and I got a stiff neck. This is your grandma's idea."
If I bought a teddy bear for £10.00, called it Mohamed and sold it for £20 ...
Would I have made a profit?
Past Phoenix member stripped naked and asked wife "What turns you on more - my handsome face or naked body?"
"Neither," she replied as she looked him up and down closely. "it's your sense of humour dear!"
A Mexican family was considering putting their grandfather (abuelo) in a nursing home. All the Hispanic facilities were completely full so they had to put him in an Irish home. After a few weeks in the Irish facility, they came to visit grandpa.
'How do you like it here?' asks the grandson.
'It's wonderful! Everyone here is so courteous and respectful,' says grandpa.
'We're so happy for you. We were worried that this was the wrong place for you. You know, since you are a little different from everyone.'?
'Oh, no! Let me tell you about how wonderfully they treat the residents. Abuelo says with a big smile. 'There's a musician here -- he's 85 years old. He hasn't played the violin in 20 years and everyone still calls him 'Maestro'!'
'There is a judge in here -- he's 95 years old . He hasn't been on the bench in 30 years and everyone still calls him 'Your Honour'!'
'There's a dentist here -- 90 years old. He hasn't fixed a tooth for 25 years and everyone still calls him 'Doctor'!'
'And me -- I haven't had sex for 35 years and they still call me 'The Fucking Mexican'!
A bloke walks into a Glasgow library and says to the prim librarian, "Excuse me Miss, dey ye hiv ony books on suicide?"
To which she stops doing her tasks, looks at him over the top of her glasses and says, "Fook off, ye'll no bring it back!"
A doctor in Dublin wanted to get off work and go fishing, so he approached his assistant.
"Murphy, I am going hunting tomorrow and don't want to close the clinic. I want you to take care of the clinic and take care of all me patients".
"Yes, sir!" answers Murphy.
The doctor goes fishing and returns the following day and asks: "So Murphy, how was your day?"
Murphy told him that he took care of three patients. "The first one had a headache so he did, so I gave him Paracetamol."
"Bravo Murphy lad, and the second one?" asks the doctor.
"The second one had indigestion and I gave him Gaviscon, so I did sir" says Murphy.
"Bravo, bravo! You're good at this and what about the third one?" asks the doctor.
"Sir, I was sitting here and suddenly the door flies open and a young gorgeous woman bursts in so she does. Like bolt outta the blue, she tears off her clothes, taking off everyting including her bra and her panties and lies down on the table, spreading her legs and shouts: 'HELP ME for the love of St Patrick! For five years I have not seen any man!'"
"Tunderin' lard Jesus Murphy, what did you do?" asks the doctor.
"I put drops in her eyes."
How to Make a Woman Happy
It's not difficult to make a woman happy. A man only needs to be:
1. a friend
WITHOUT FORGETTING TO:
45. give her compliments regularly
AND AT THE SAME TIME, YOU MUST ALSO:
51. give her lots of attention, but expect little yourself
IT IS VERY IMPORTANT:
54. Never to forget:
HOW TO MAKE A MAN HAPPY
1. Show up naked
An attorney arrived home late, after a very tough day trying to get a stay of execution for a client who was due to be hanged for murder at midnight. His last minute plea for clemency to the governor had been made and he was feeling worn out and depressed.
As soon as he walked through the door at home, his wife started on him. "What time of night to be getting home is this? Where have you been?"
"Dinner is cold and I'm not reheating it." And on and on and on.
Too shattered to play his usual role in this familiar ritual, he went and poured himself a shot of whisky and headed off for a long hot soak in the bathtub, pursued by the predictable sarcastic remarks as he dragged himself up the stairs.
While he was in the bath, the phone rang. His wife answered and was told that her husband's client, James Wright, had been granted a Stay of Execution after all. Wright would not be hanged tonight.
Finally realising what a terrible day he must have had, she decided to go upstairs and give him the good news.
As she opened the bathroom door, she was greeted by the sight of her husband, bent over naked, drying his legs and feet.
"They're not hanging Wright tonight," she said.
To which he whirled around and screamed,
"GOOD GOD, WOMAN. DON'T YOU EVER STOP?"
A married Irishman went into the confessional and said to his priest, 'I almost had an affair with another woman.'
The priest said, "What do you mean, almost?"
The Irishman said, "Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but then I stopped."
The priest said, "Rubbing together is the same as putting it in. You're not to see that woman again. For your penance, say five Hail Mary's and put £50 in the poor box."
The Irishman left the confessional, said his prayers, and then walked over to the poor box.
He paused for a moment and then started to leave.
The priest, who was watching, quickly ran over to him saying, "I saw that. You didn't put any money in the poor box!"
The Irishman replied, "Yeah, but I rubbed the £50 on the box, and according to you, that's the same as putting it in!"
A young couple who had just met at a rally decided to go for a walk.
They walked hand in hand and, as they strolled, the young man's lustful desire rose to a peak. He was just about to get frisky when the young woman said, "I hope you don't mind, but I really do need to have a piss."
Slightly taken aback by this vulgarity, he suggested she go behind a hedge.
She nodded in agreement and disappeared behind the hedge. As he waited, he could hear the sound of tight panties sliding down voluptuous legs and he imagined what loveliness was being exposed.
Unable to contain his animal thoughts a moment longer he reached through a gap in the foliage and touched her smooth, bare leg. He gently brought his hand further up to her thigh until suddenly, and with great astonishment, he found himself gripping a long, warm, thick appendage hanging between her legs. He gasped in horror, "My God Mary, have you changed your sex!?"
"No," she replied, "I've changed my mind; I'm having a dump instead."
The local news station was interviewing an 80-year-old lady because she had just gotten married - for the fourth time.
The interviewer asked her questions about her life, about what it felt like to be marrying again at 80, and then about her new husband's occupation. "He's a funeral director," she answered.
"Interesting," the newsman thought. He then asked her if she wouldn't mind telling him a little about her first three husbands and what they did for a living.
She paused for a few moments, needing time to reflect on all those years. After a short time, a smile came to her face and she answered proudly, explaining that she'd first married a banker when she was in her early 20's, then a circus ringmaster when in her 40's, later on a preacher when in her 60's, and now in her 80's, a funeral director.
The interviewer looked at her, quite astonished, and asked why she had married four men with such diverse careers.
She smiled and explained, "I married one for the money, two for the show, three to get ready, and four to go."
A 7 year old and a 4 year old were upstairs in their bedroom.
"You know what?", said the 7 year old, "I think it's bloody well time we started swearing."
The 4 year old nodded his head in approval.
"When we go downstairs for breakfast I'm gonna swear first, then you swear after me, ok?"
"Ok" the 4 year old agreed with enthusiasm.
Their mother walked into the kitchen and asked the 7 year old what he wanted for breakfast.
"Oh, shit mum, I guess I'll have some Coco Pops"
WHACK!! He flew out of his chair, tumbled across the kitchen floor, got up, and ran upstairs crying his eyes out.
She looked at the 4 year old and asked with a stern voice, "And what do YOU want for breakfast, young man?"
"I don't know," he blubbered, "but it won't be fucking Coco Pops!"
Dear Tech Support,
Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a distinct slow down in overall system performance - particularly in the flower and jewellery applications, which operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0
In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs, such as Romance 9.5 and Personal Attention 6.5 and then installed undesirable programs such as F.A.CUP 5.0, The Ashes 3.0, and Golf Clubs 4.1.
Conversation 8.0 no longer runs, and Housecleaning 2.6 simply crashes the system. I've tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, but to no avail! What can I do?
First keep in mind, Boyfriend 5.0 is an Entertainment Package, while Husband 1.0 is an Operating System.
Please enter the command: "http: I Thought You Loved Me.html" and try to download Tears 6.2 and don't forget to install the Guilt 3.0 update. If that application works as designed, Husband 1.0 should then automatically run the applications Jewellery 2.0 and Flowers 3.5.
But remember, overuse of the above application can cause Husband 1.0 to default to Grumpy Silence 2.5, Happy Hour 7.0 or Beer 6.1.
Beer 6.1 is a very bad program that will download the Snoring Loudly Beta.
Whatever you do, DO NOT install Mother-in-law 1.0 (it runs a virus in the background that will eventually seize control of all your system resources).
Also, do not attempt to reinstall the Boyfriend 5.0 program. These are unsupported applications and will crash Husband 1.0.
In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly. You might consider buying additional software to improve memory and performance. We recommend Food 3.0, Hot Lingerie 7.7. and Lap dance 69.69
Good Luck, Tech Support
A petrol station in Queensland was trying to increase its sales, so the owner put up a sign saying, "Free Sex with Fill-Up." Soon a local pulled in, filled his tank, and then asked for his free sex. The owner told him to pick a number from 1 to 10. If he guessed correctly, he would get his free sex.
The bloke then guessed 8, and the proprietor said, "You were close. The number was 7. Sorry, no sex this time."
A week later, the same bloke came along, with his mate, Bluey, pulled in for a fill-up. Again he asked for his free sex. The proprietor again gave him the same story, and asked him to guess the correct number.
The bloke guessed 2 this time. Again the proprietor said, "Sorry, it was 4. You were close, but no free sex this time."
As they were driving away, the bloke said to his mate, "I think that game is rigged and he doesn't really give away free sex."
Blue replied, "No, it ain't, Bill. It ain't rigged -- my Missus won twice last week."
A man was sitting on a blanket at the beach. He had no arms and no legs.
Three women were walking past, one from the Midlands, the second from Surrey and the third from Yorkshire. They felt sorry for the poor man.
The Midlands woman said "Have you ever had a hug?"
The man said "No." so she gave him a hug and walked on.
The Surrey woman said, "Have you ever had a kiss?"
The man said, "No." so she gave him a kiss and walked on.
The Yorkshire woman came to him and said, "Have you ever been f ** ked?"
The man broke into a big smile and said, "No."
She said, "You will be when the tide comes in."
Two cows chatting in a field. One says "Isn't this mad cow thing terrible. I hear some of them have got it over at the Johnson's farm".
The other replies "Not too bothered, it doesn't affect us ducks."
How many managers does it take to change a light bulb?
1) A roomful - they have to hold a meeting to discuss all the ramifications of the change.
2) None, they like to keep employees in the dark.
3) "This topic was resumed from last week's discussion, but is incomplete pending resolution of some action items. It will be continued next week. Meanwhile ..."
4) "We've formed a task-force to study the problem of why light bulbs burn out, and to figure out what, exactly, we as supervisors can do to make the bulbs work smarter, not harder."
Mick and Paddy had promised their uncle Seamus, who had been a seafaring gent all his life, to bury him at sea when he died.
Of course, in due time, he did pass away and the boys kept their promise.
They set off with Uncle Seamus all stitched up in a burial bag and loaded onto their rowboat. After a while Mick says, "Do yer tink dis is fer enuff out, Paddy?"
Without a word Paddy slips over the side only to find himself standing in water up to his knees.
"Dis'll never do, Mick. Let's row some more."
After a bit more rowing Paddy slips over the side again but the water is only up to his belly, so they row on.
Again Mick asks Paddy, "Do yer tink dis is fer enuff out Paddy?"
Once again Paddy slips over the side and almost immediately says, "No dis'll neva do."
The water was only up to his chest.
So on they row and row and row and finally Paddy slips over the side and disappears. Quite a bit of time goes by and poor Mick is really getting himself into a state when suddenly Paddy breaks the surface gasping for breath.
"Well is it deep enuff yet, Paddy?"
"Aye 'tis, hand me da shovel."
Shamus and Murphy fancied a pint or two but didn't have a lot of money. Between them, they could only raise the staggering sum of one Euro.
Murphy said "Hang on, I have an idea."
He went next door to the butcher's shop and came out with one large sausage.
Shamus said "Are you crazy? Now we don't have any money left at all!"
Murphy replied, "Don't worry - just follow me."
He went into the pub where he immediately ordered two pints of Guinness and two glasses of Jamieson Whisky.
Shamus said "Now you've lost it. Do you know how much trouble we will be in? We haven't got any money!!"
Murphy replied, with a smile. "Don't ! worry, I have a plan, Cheers!"
They downed their drinks. Murphy said, "OK, I'll stick the sausage through my zipper and you go on your knees and put it in your mouth."
The barman noticed them, went berserk, and threw them out.
They continued this, pub after pub, getting more and more drunk, all for free.
At the tenth pub Shamus said "Murphy - I don't think I can do any more of this. I'm drunk and me knees are killin' me!"
Murphy said, "How do you think I feel? I lost the sausage in the third pub."
The teacher was explaining biology to her 4th grade students. "Human beings are the only animals that stutter", she said.
A little girl raised her hand. "I had a kitty-cat who stuttered", she said.
The teacher, knowing how precious some of these stories could become, asked the girl to describe the incident and why she thought the cat stuttered.
"Well", she began, "I was in the back yard with my kitty and the Rottweiler that lives next door got a running start and before we knew it, he jumped over the fence into our yard!
"That must've been scary", said the teacher.
"It sure was", said the little girl.
"My kitty raised his back, went 'Fffff, Fffff, Fffff'... and before he could say 'F*ck', the Rottweiler ate him!"
At a Senior Citizen's luncheon, an elderly gentleman and an elderly lady struck up a conversation and discovered that they both loved to fish.
Since both of them were widowed, they decided to go fishing together the next day.
The gentleman picked the lady up, and they headed to the river to his fishing boat and started out on their adventure.
They were riding down the river when there was a fork in the river and the gentleman asked the lady, "Do you want to go up or down?"
All of a sudden the lady stripped off her shirt and pants and made mad passionate love to the man right there in the boat!
When they finished, the man couldn't believe what had just happened, but he had just experienced the best sex that he'd had in years.
They fished for a while and continued on down the river, when soon they came upon another fork in the river.
He again asked the lady, "Up or down?"
There she went again, stripped off her clothes and made wild passionate love to him again.
This really impressed the elderly gentleman, so he asked her to go fishing again the next day.!
She said yes and there they were the next day, riding in the boat when they came upon the fork in river and the elderly gentleman asked, "Up or down?"
The woman replied, "Down."
A little puzzled and disappointed, the gentleman guided the boat down the river when he came upon another fork in the river and he asked the lady, "Up or down?"
She replied, "Up."
This really confused the gentleman so he asked, "What's the deal? Yesterday, every time I asked you if you wanted to go up or down you made mad passionate love to me. Now today, nothing!"
She replied, "Well, yesterday I wasn't wearing my hearing aid and I thought the choices were fuck or drown."
A husband was at home watching a motorcycle GP match when his wife interrupted.
"Honey, could you fix the light in the hallway? It's been flickering for weeks now."
He looked at her and said angrily, "Fix the lights now? Does it look like I have "Powergen" written on my forehead? I don't think so!"
Then the wife asked, "Well then, could you fix the fridge door? It won't close right."
To which he replied, "Fix the fridge door? Does it look like I have "Fridgidaire" written on my forehead? I don't think so!"
"Fine!" she said "Then you could at least fix the steps to the front door? They are about to break."
"I'm not a carpenter and I don't want to fix steps." he said, "Does it look like I have "Taylor Woodrow" written on my forehead? I don't think so! I've had enough of this, I'm going to the bike club!"
So he went to the club for a couple of hours ...
He started to feel guilty about how he treated his wife and decided to go home. As he walked into the house he noticed that the steps were already fixed.
As he entered the house he saw the hall light was working.
As he went to get a beer, he noticed the fridge door was fixed.
Honey, he asked, "How'd all this get fixed?"
She said, "Well, when you left I sat outside and cried. Just then a nice young man asked me what was wrong and I told him. He offered to do all the repairs and all I had to do was either go to bed with him or bake a cake."
He said, "So what kind of cake did you bake?"
She replied, "Hellooooo.., do you see "Mr Kipling" written on my forehead? I don't think so!"
In 1986, Dan Harrison was on holiday in Kenya after graduating from Northwestern University.
On a hike through the bush, he came across a young bull elephant standing with one leg raised in the air. The elephant seemed distressed, so Dan approached it very carefully.
He got down on one knee and inspected the elephant's foot and found a large piece of wood deeply embedded in it..
As carefully and as gently as he could, Dan worked the wood out with his hunting knife, after which the elephant gingerly put down its foot.
The elephant turned to face the man, and with a rather curious look on its face, stared at him for several tense moments.
Dan stood frozen, thinking of nothing else but being trampled. Eventually the elephant trumpeted loudly, turned, and walked away.
Dan never forgot that elephant or the events of that day.
Twenty years later, Dan was walking through the Chicago Zoo with his teenage son.
As they approached the elephant enclosure, one of the creatures turned and walked over to near where Dan and his son Dan Jr. were standing.
The large bull elephant stared at Dan, lifted its front foot off the ground, and then put it down. The elephant did that several times then trumpeted loudly, all the while staring at the man.
Remembering the encounter in 1986, Dan couldn't help wondering if this was the same elephant.
Dan summoned up his courage, looked to see if any guards were around and then climbed over the railing and made his way into the enclosure. He walked right up to the elephant and stared back in wonder. =
The elephant trumpeted again, wrapped its trunk around one of Dan's legs and slammed him against the railing, killing him instantly.
Probably wasn't the same elephant.
In the beginning God covered the earth with broccoli, cauliflower and spinach, with green, yellow and red vegetables of all kinds, so Man and Woman would live long and healthy lives.
Then, using God's bountiful gifts, Satan created Dairy Ice Cream and Magnums. And Satan said "You want hot fudge with that?" And Man said "Yes!" And Woman said "I'll have one too with chocolate chips". And lo they gained 10 pounds.
And God created the healthy yoghurt that Woman might keep the figure that Man found so fair.
And Satan brought forth white flour from the wheat and sugar from the cane and combined them. And Woman went from size 12 to size 14.
So God said "Try my fresh green salad". And Satan presented Blue Cheese dressing and garlic croutons on the side. And Man and Woman unfastened their belts following the repast.
God then said "I have sent you healthy vegetables and olive oil in which to cook them". And Satan brought forth deep fried coconut king prawns, butter-dipped lobster chunks and chicken fried steak, so big it needed its own platter. And Man's cholesterol went through the roof.
Then God brought forth the potato, naturally low in fat and brimming with potassium and good nutrition. Then Satan peeled off the healthy skin and sliced the starchy centre into chips and deep fried them in animal fats adding copious quantities of salt. And Man put on more pounds.
God then brought forth running shoes so that his Children might lose those extra pounds. And Satan came forth with a cable TV with remote control so Man would not have to toil changing the channels. And Man and Woman laughed and cried before the flickering light and started wearing stretch jogging suits.
Then God gave lean beef so that Man might consume fewer calories and still satisfy his appetite. And Satan created McDonalds and the 99p double Cheeseburger. Then Satan said "You want fries with that?" and Man replied "Yes, and super size 'em". And Satan said "It is good." And Man and Woman went into cardiac arrest. God sighed and created quadruple by-pass surgery. And then Satan chuckled and created the National Health Service and MRSA.
THE FINAL WORD ON NUTRITION
After an exhaustive review of the research literature, here's the final word on nutrition and health -
1 Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than us
2 Mexicans eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than us
3 Chinese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than us
4 Italians and French drink excessive amounts of red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than us
5 Germans drink beer and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than us
Eat and drink what you like - speaking English is apparently what kills you.
An Irishman who had a little too much to drink was driving home from the city one night and, of course, his car is weaving violently all over the road.
A cop pulled him over "So," said the cop to the driver, "where have ya been?"
"Why, I've been to the pub of course," slurred the drunk.
"Well," said the cop, "it looks like you've had quite a few to drink this evening."
"I did all right," the drunk replied with a smile.
"Did you know," said the cop, standing straight and folding his arms across his chest, "that a few intersections back, your wife fell out of your car?"
"Oh, thank heavens," sighed the drunk. "For a minute there, I thought I'd gone deaf."
_ _ _ _
A drunk staggered into a Catholic Church, entered a confessional booth, sat down, but said nothing.
The priest coughed a few times to get his attention but the drunk continued to just sit there.
Finally, the priest pounded three times on the wall.
The drunk mumbled, "There's no use knocking, there's no paper on this side either!"
Three women: one engaged, one married, and one a mistress, are chatting about their relationships and decide to amaze their men. That night all three would wear a leather bodice S&M style, stilettos and a mask over their eyes.
After a few days they met again.
The engaged girlfriend: "The other night, when my boyfriend came back home, he found me with the leather bodice, 12cm stilettos and mask. He saw me he said: 'you are the woman of my life, I love you'. Then we made love all night long."
The mistress: "Ah! Me too, the other night I met my lover in the office and I was wearing the leather bodice, mega stilettos, mask over my eyes and a raincoat, when I opened the raincoat he did not say anything but we had wild sex all night."
The married one: "The other night I sent the kids to stay at my mothers for the night, I got myself ready: leather bodice, super stilettos and mask over my eyes. My husband comes back from work, opened the door and said:
'Alright Batman, what's for dinner?"
A Woman was out golfing one day when she hit the ball into the woods.
She went into the woods to look for it and found a frog in a trap.
The frog said to her, "If you release me from this trap, I will grant you three wishes."
The woman freed the frog, and the frog said, "Thank you, but I failed to mention that there was a condition to your wishes. Whatever you wish for, your husband will get times ten!"
The woman said, "That's okay."
For her first wish, she wanted to be the most beautiful woman in the world.
The frog warned her, "You do realize that this wish will also make your husband the most handsome man in the world, an Adonis whom women will flock to."
The woman replied, "That's okay, because I will be the most beautiful Woman and he will have eyes only for me."
So, KAZAM - she's the most beautiful Woman in the world!
For her second wish, she wanted to be the richest woman in the world.
The frog said, "That will make your husband the richest man in the world and he will be ten times richer than you".
The woman said, "That's okay, because what's mine is his and what's his is mine."
So, KAZAM-she's the richest woman in the world!
The frog then inquired about her third wish, and she answered, "I'd like a mild heart attack."
Moral of the story: Women are clever.
Don't mess with them.
Attention female readers : This is the end of the joke for you. Stop here and continue feeling good.
Male readers: Please read on.
The man had a heart attack ten times milder than his wife.
Moral of the story: Women are really dumb but think they're really smart.
Let them continue to think that way and just enjoy the show.
PS: If you are a woman and are still reading this; it only goes to show that women never listen ... now run along and put the kettle on, there's a love.
Swearing at Work
Dear Staff Members:
It has been brought to Head Office's attention that some individuals throughout the company have been using foul language during the course of normal conversation with their colleagues.
Due to complaints received from some employees who may be easily offended, this type of language will no longer be tolerated.
We do, however, realise the critical importance of being able to accurately express your feelings when communicating with colleagues.
Therefore, a list of 13 New and Innovative "TRY SAYING" phrases have been provided so that proper exchange of ideas and information can continue in an effective manner.
1. Try Saying: I think you could do with more training Instead Of: You don't have a f***ing clue, do you?
2. Try Saying: She's an aggressive go-getter. Instead Of: She's a f***ing power-crazy b*tch
3. Try Saying: Perhaps I can work late Instead Of: And when the f*** do you expect me to do this?
4. Try Saying: I'm certain that isn't feasible Instead Of: F*** off a*se-hole
5. Try Saying: Really? Instead Of: Well f*** me backwards with a telegraph pole
6. Try Saying: Perhaps you should check with... Instead Of: Tell someone who gives a f***.
7. Try Saying: I wasn't involved in the project. Instead Of: Not my f***ing problem.
8. Try Saying: That's interesting. Instead Of: What the f***?
9. Try Saying: I'm not sure this can be implemented within the given timescale. Instead Of: No f***ing chance mate.
10. Try Saying: It will be tight, but I'll try to schedule it in Instead Of: Why the f*** didn't you tell me that yesterday?
11. Try Saying: He's not familiar with the issues Instead Of: He's got his head up his f***ing a*se.
12. Try Saying: Excuse me, sir? Instead Of: Oi, f*** face.
13. Try Saying: Of course, I was only going to be at home anyway Instead Of: Yeah, who needs f***ing holidays anyway.
Thank you for your understanding.
An LPMCC member took his missus on a ride around Ireland, he loved the roads but his missus was all fed up and wanted to go to a pub and warm up.
Fed up of her whinging, he pulled over and told her to put her leather jacket on back to front, reasoning that the wind wouldn't get through the zip and she would feel warmer.
So he set of again, the next pub was about 10 miles away he reckoned, so decided to thrash it to get there quickly and so shut her whinging up.
He loved the twisties, getting his knee down and really enjoying himself ... in fact it felt like she was not even there.
Very soon he reached the pub car park, pulled up and turned to his missus, challenging her to say that wasn't fun. To his shock his missus was not there!
He quickly turned around and hammered it to look for her, fearing the worse. A few miles up the road there was a group of locals, standing around her body.
He jumped off his bike, ran over pushing the local people that had stopped to help out the way. Kneeling down he sobbed out to his poor wife, "Babes I'm sorry", he blurted. "are you ok?"
To which one of the locals replied ... "She was fine when we got to her, but she didn't half moan when we twisted her head back the right way!"
Miss Beatrice, the church organist, was in her eighties and had never been married. She was admired for her sweetness and kindness to all.
One afternoon the pastor came to call on her and she showed him into her quaint sitting room. She invited him to have a seat while she prepared tea.
As he sat facing her old Hammond organ, the young minister noticed a cut-glass bowl sitting on top of it. The bowl was filled with water, and in the water floated, of all things, a condom!
When she returned with tea and scones, they began to chat.
The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl of water and its strange floater, but soon it got the better of him and He could no longer resist. "Miss Beatrice", he said, "I wonder if you would tell me about this?" pointing to the bowl.
"Oh, yes," she replied, "Isn't it wonderful? I was walking through the park a few months ago and I found this little package on the ground. The directions said to place it on the organ, keep it wet and that it would prevent the spread of disease. Do you know I haven't had the flu all winter."
George Phillips of Gold Coast, Australia was going up to bed when his wife told him that he'd left the light on in the garden shed, which she could see from the bedroom window. (Does this sound familiar?)
George opened the back door to go turn off the light but saw that there were people in the shed stealing things.
He phoned the police, who asked "Is someone in your house?" and he said "no". Then they said that all patrols were busy, and that he should simply lock his door and an officer would be along when available. George said, "Okay," hung up, counted to 30, and phoned the police again.
"Hello, I just called you a few seconds ago because there were people stealing things from my shed. Well, you don't have to worry about them now because I've just shot them." Then he hung up.
Within five minutes three police cars, an Armed Response Unit, and an ambulance showed up at the Phillips' residence and caught the burglars red-handed.
One of the Policemen said to George: "I thought you said that you'd shot them!"
George said, "I thought you said there was nobody available!"
Don't mess with old people!
Three Club members worked at the same factory.
Each day, they noticed the foreman left work early.
One day the guys decided that when the boss left, they would leave right behind him. After all, he never called or came back to work, so how would he know they went home early?
The Triumph owner was thrilled to be home early. He did a little fettling to his Bonnie, spent time with his son, and went to bed early.
The Norton owner was elated to be able to go for a quick blast on his Atlas before meeting a dinner date.
The BSA owner was happy to get home early and surprise his wife, but when he got to the bedroom, he heard a muffled noise from inside. Slowly and quietly, he cracked open the door and was mortified to see his wife in bed with the foreman! Gently, he closed the door and crept out of the house.
The next day, at their tea break, the Triumph and Norton owners planned to leave early again, and they asked the BSA owner if he was going to go with them.
"No way", the guy exclaimed. "I almost got caught yesterday."
One of our club members walked into a Brighton curio/antique shop.
After looking around for a while, he noticed a very life-like bronze statue of a rat.
It had no price tag, but it was so striking that he decided to buy it anyway.
He took it to the owner and said: "How much is this bronze rat?"
The owner replied: "It's £12 for the rat, and £100 for the story."
The club member gave the owner his £12 and said: "I'll just take the rat. You can keep the story."
As he walked off down the street, he noticed that a few real rats had crawled out of the sewers and begun following him.
This was a little disconcerting, so he started to walk a little faster, but within a short distance, the swarm of rats had grown to hundreds, and they were all squealing and screeching in a very menacing way.
He increased his speed & ran on towards the beach, and as he ran, he looked behind him and saw the rats now numbered in their MILLIONS, and they were running faster & faster. By now very concerned, he ran down to the end of the pier and threw the bronze rat far out into the water. Amazingly, the millions of real rats jumped into the water after it and were all drowned.
The club member walked back to relate all this to the shop owner, who said: "Ah, you've come back for the story then?"
"No," said the club member, "I came back to see if you've got a bronze Muslim Fundamentalist Cleric, a couple of immigrants, a poof, a Man U supporter and anything French!"
Driving Tuesday on the M69 motorway, I looked over to my right and there was a woman in a brand New BMW doing 90 miles per hour with her face up close to her rear view mirror putting on her eyeliner!
I looked away for a couple of seconds and when I looked back she was halfway over in my lane still working on that makeup!
It scared me (and this coming from a bloke....) so much that I dropped my electric shaver, which knocked the bacon roll out of my other hand.
In all the confusion of trying to straighten up the car using my knees against the steering wheel, it knocked my mobile from my ear, which fell into the coffee between my legs, causing it to splash and burn BIG JIM AND THE TWINS, causing me to scream, which made me drop the cigarette out of my mouth, ruined my shirt and DISCONNECTED AN IMPORTANT CALL.
Let's find out just how clever you really are....
You are participating in a race. You overtake the second person. What position are you in?
Answer: If you answered that you are first, then you are absolutely wrong! If you overtake the second person, you take his place, so you are second!
Try not to screw up next time.
Now answer the second question, but don't take as much time as you took for the first one, OK?
If you overtake the last person, then you are...?
Answer: If you answered that you are second to last, then you are wrong again. Tell me, how can you overtake the LAST Person?
You're not very good at this, are you?
Very tricky arithmetic! Note: This must be done in your head only .
Do NOT use paper and pencil or a calculator. Try it.
Take 1000 and add 40 to it. Now add another 1000 . Now add 30 .
Add another 1000 . Now add 20 . Now add another 1000
Now add 10 . What is the total?
Did you get 5000?
The correct answer is actually 4100.
If you don't believe it, check it with a calculator!
Today is definitely not your day, is it?
Maybe you'll get the last question right....
Mary's father has five daughters: 1. Nana, 2. Nene, 3. Nini, 4. Nono.
What is the name of the fifth daughter?
Did you Answer Nunu?
NO! Of course it isn't.
Her name is Mary. Read the question again!
Okay, now the bonus round:
A mute person goes into a shop and wants to buy a toothbrush. By imitating the action of brushing his teeth he successfully expresses himself to the shopkeeper and the purchase is done.
Next, a blind man comes into the shop who wants to buy a pair of sunglasses; how does HE indicate what he wants?
He just has to open his mouth and ask...
It's really very simple.... Like you!
Next time you think your hotel bill is too high you might want to consider this.
Husband and wife were traveling by car from Key West to Boston.
After almost twenty-four hours on the road, they were too tired to continue and decide to stop for a rest. They stopped at a nice hotel and took a room, but they only planned to sleep for four hours and then get back on the road.
When they checked out four hours later, the desk clerk handed them a bill for $350.00.
The man exploded and demanded to know why the charge was so high. He told the clerk, although it's a nice hotel, the rooms certainly aren't worth $350.00! When the clerk told him $350.00 was the standard rate, the man insisted on speaking to the Manager.
The Manager appeared, listened to the man, and then explained that the hotel had an Olympic-sized pool and a huge conference centre that were available for the husband and wife to use.
"But we didn't use them," the man complained. "Well, they are here, and you could have," explained the Manager.
He went on to explain they could have taken in one of the shows for which the hotel was famous. "The best entertainers from New York , Hollywood, and Las Vegas perform here," the Manager said.
"But we didn't go to any of those shows," complained the man again.
"Well, we have them, and you could have," the Manager replied.
No matter what amenity the Manager mentioned, the man replied, "But we didn't use it!"
The Manager was unmoved, and eventually the man gave up and agreed to pay. He wrote a cheque and gave it to the Manager.
The Manager was surprised when he looked at the cheque. "But sir," he said, this cheque is only made out for $50.00."
"That's correct," said the man. "I charged you $300.00 for sleeping with my wife."
"But I didn't!" exclaimed the Manager.
"Well, too bad," the man replied. "She was here and you could have."
Su Wong marries Lee Wong. The next year, the Wongs have a new baby.
The nurse brings over a lovely, healthy, bouncy, but definitely a Caucasian, WHITE baby boy.
"Congratulations," says the nurse to the new parents.
"Well Mr. Wong, what will you and Mrs. Wong name the baby?"
The puzzled father looks at his new baby boy and says, "Well, two Wong's don't make a white, so I think we will name him...
(Are you ready for this?)
"Sum Ting Wong"
A middle aged Irish woman visited her physician to seek his help in reviving her husband's libido.
"What about trying Viagra? Asks the doctor.
"Not a chance," she said. "He won't even take an aspirin."
"Not a problem," replied the doctor. "Give him an Irish Soluble Viagra. Drop it into his coffee. He won't even taste it. Give it a try and call me in a week to let me know how things went."
It wasn't a week later that she called the doctor, who directly inquired as to progress.
The poor dear exclaimed, "Oh, faith, bejaysus and begorrah! 'Twas horrid. Just terrible doctor!."
"Really? What happened?" asked the doctor?"
"Well, I did as you advised and slipped it in his coffee and the effect was almost immediate. He jumped his self straight up, with a twinkle in his eye, and with his pants a-bulgin' fiercely! With one swoop of his arm, he sent the cups and tablecloth flyin', ripped me clothes to tatters and took me then and there, making wild, mad, passionate love to me on the table-top! It was a nightmare, I tell you, an absolute nightmare!"
"Why so terrible?" asked the doctor, "Do you mean the sex your husband provided wasn't good"?
"Oh, no, no, no, doctor, the sex was fine indeed! 'Twas the best sex I've had in 30 years of marriage! But sure as I'm sittin' here, I'll niver be able to show me face in Asda again."
Thanks for all the jokes from Adam Fosberry and many others.