Where do all the joke keep coming from? The Foz Spot of course! And the great bunch of contributors who keep us laughing out loud.
A man walked into the vegetable section of his local supermarket and asked for half a head of lettuce. The boy working there told him that they only sold whole heads of lettuce. The man was insistent that the boy asked his manager about the matter.
Walking into the back room, the boy said to his manager, "Some tosser wants to buy a half a head of lettuce." As he finished his sentence, he turned to find the man standing right behind him, so he added, "And this gentleman kindly offered to buy the other half."
The manager approved the deal and the man went on his way. Later, the manager found the boy and said, "I was impressed with the way you got yourself out of that situation earlier. We like people who think on their feet here. Where are you from son?"
"Originally from Essex sir," the boy replied.
"Why did you leave Essex?" the manager asked.
The boy answered, "Sir, there's nothing but whores and footballers there."
"Really?" said the manager. "My wife is from Essex."
"You're joking!" the boy replied. "Who does she play for?"
One day, in line at the works cafeteria, Jack says to Mike behind him: "My elbow hurts like hell. I suppose I'd better see a doctor!"
"Listen; don't waste your time down at the surgery", Mike replies. "There's a diagnostic computer at Tesco. Just give it a urine sample and the computer will tell you what's wrong, and what to do about it. It takes ten seconds and only costs five quid, a lot quicker and better than a doctor and you get Club Card points."
So Jack collects a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to Tesco. He deposits five pounds and the computer lights up and asks for the urine sample. He pours the sample into the slot and waits. Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout:
"You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy activity. It will improve in two weeks".
That evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Jack began wondering if the computer could be fooled.
He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and daughter and "pleasured himself" into the mixture for good measure. Jack hurried back to Tesco, eager to check what would happen. He deposited five pounds, poured in his concoction and awaited the results.
The computer printed the following:
1) Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener.
2) Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo.
3) Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab.
4) Your wife is pregnant. Twins. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer.
5) And if you don't stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get better. Thank you for shopping at Tesco.
A motorcycle officer stops a man for running a red light. The guy is a real jerk and comes running back to the motor officer who, with the knee high boots, helmet, and mirror sunglasses, looks like some kind of Adonis (at least in his own eyes).
The violator demands why he is being harassed by the Gestapo! So the officer calmly tells him of the red light violation. The "Motorist" instantly goes on a tirade, questioning the officer's ancestry, sexual orientation, etc., in rather explicit terms. The officer, being a professional, takes it all in stride, figuring "Battleship mouth and Rowboat Ass".
The tirade goes on without the cop saying anything. When he gets done with writing the citation he puts an "AH" in the lower right corner of the narrative portion of the citation. He then hands it to the "Violator" for his signature.
The guy signs the cite angrily, tearing the paper, and when presented his copy points to the "AH" and demands to know what it stands for. The officer then removes his mirror sunglasses, gets in the middle of the guys face and say, "That's so when we go to court, I'll remember you're an Asshole!"
Three months later they are in court. The violator has such a bad record he is about to lose his license and has hired an attorney to represent him. On the stand the officer testifies to seeing the man run the red light. Under cross examination the defence attorney asks; "Officer is this a reasonable facsimile of the citation you issued my client?"
Officer responds, "Yes sir, this is the defendants copy, his signature and mine, same number at the top."
Attorney: "Officer, is there any particular marking or notation on this citation you don't normally make?"
Officer: "Yes sir, in the lower right corner of the narrative there is an AH, underlined."
Attorney: "What does the AH stand for, officer?"
Officer? (Gulp) "Aggressive and Hostile Sir"
Attorney: "Aggressive and hostile?"
Officer: "Yes Sir."
Attorney: "Officer, are you sure it doesn't stand for Asshole?"
Officer: "Well Sir, you know your client better than I do!"
A fifteen year-old boy came home with a Porsche and his parents began to yell and scream, "Where did you get that car???!!!"
He calmly told them, "I bought it today."
"With what money?" demanded his parents. "We know what a Porsche costs."
"Well," said the boy, "this one cost me fifteen dollars."
So the parents began to yell even louder. "Who would sell a car like that for fifteen dollars?" they said.
"It was the lady up the street," said the boy. "I don't know her name, they just moved in. She saw me ride past on my bike and asked me if I wanted to buy a Porsche for fifteen dollars."
"Oh my Goodness!" moaned his mother, "she must be a child abuser. Who knows what she will do next? John, you go right up there and see what's going on."
So the boy's father walked up the street to the house where the lady lived and found her out in the yard calmly planting petunias! He introduced himself as the father of the boy to whom she had sold a Porsche for fifteen dollars and demanded to know why she did it.
"Well," she said, "this morning I got a phone call from my husband. I thought he was on a business trip, but I learned from a friend he has run off to Hawaii with his secretary and really doesn't intend to come back. He claimed he was stranded and asked me to sell his new Porsche and send him the money. So I did."
Mick, from Dublin , appeared on 'Who Wants To Be A Millionaire' and towards the end of the program had already won 500,000 pounds.
You've done very well so far,' said, Chris Tarrant, the show's presenter, 'but for a million pounds you've only got one lifeline left - phone a friend. Everything is riding on this question ... will you go for it?'
'Sure,' said Mick. 'I'll have a go!'
'Which of the following birds does NOT build its own nest?'
'I haven't got a clue,' said Mick, 'so I'll use me last lifeline and phone me friend Paddy back home in Dublin '.
Mick called up his mate, and told him the circumstances and repeated the question to him.
'Fookin hell, Mick!' cried Paddy. 'Dat's simple......it's a cuckoo.'
'Are you sure?'
'I'm fookin sure.' Mick hung up the phone and told Chris, 'I'll go wit Cuckoo as me answer.'
'Is that your final answer?' asked Chris 'Dat it is, Sir.'
There was a long - long pause, then the presenter screamed, 'Cuckoo is the correct answer! Mick, you've won 1 million pounds!'
The next night, Mick invited Paddy to their local pub to buy him a drink.
'Tell me, Paddy? How in Heaven's name did you know it was da Cuckoo that doesn't build it's own nest?
'Because he lives in a Fookin clock!'
A father passing by his son's bedroom was astonished to see the bed nicely made up and everything neat and tidy. Then he saw an envelope propped up prominently on the pillow. It was addressed, "Dad". With the worst premonition, he opened the envelope and read the letter with trembling hands:
It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you. I had to elope with my new girlfriend because I wanted to avoid a scene with you and Mum. I've been finding real passion with Joan and she is so nice. I knew you would not approve of her because of all her piercings, tattoos, her tight motorcycle clothes and because she is so much older than I am but it's not only the passion, Dad, she's pregnant. Joan says that we are going to be very happy. She owns a caravan in the woods and has a stack of firewood, enough for the whole winter. We share a dream of having many more children. Joan has opened my eyes to the fact that marijuana doesn't really hurt anyone. We'll be growing it and trading it with the other people in the commune for all the cocaine and ecstasy we want.
In the meantime, we'll pray that science will find a cure for AIDS so Joan can get better; she sure deserves it! Don't worry Dad, I'm 15 years old now and I know how to take care of myself. Someday, I'm sure we'll be back to visit so you can get to know your grandchildren.
Your son, Mark
P.S. Dad, none of the above is true. I'm over at Tommy's house. I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than the report card that's in my desk drawer. I love you! Call when it is safe for me to come home!
A rabbit walked into a pub and said to the barman "Can I have a pint of beer and a ham and cheese toastie."
The barman was amazed but gave the rabbit a pint of beer and a ham and cheese toastie.
The rabbit drank the beer and ate the toastie and left.
The following night the rabbit returned and again asked for a pint of beer and a ham and cheese toastie.
The barman, intrigued by the rabbit and the extra drinkers in the pub (because word gets round) gave the rabbit the pint and the toastie. The rabbit consumed them and left.
The next night, the pub was packed, in walked the rabbit and said "A pint of beer and a ham and cheese toastie, please barman."
The crowd hushed as the barman gave the rabbit his pint and toastie and then burst into applause as the rabbit wolfed them down.
The next night there was standing room only in the pub, coaches had been laid on for the crowds of patrons attending, the barman was making more money in one week than he did all last year.
In walked the rabbit and said, "A pint of beer and a ham and cheese toastie, please barman", smiled and accepted the tributes of the masses.
The barman said, "I'm sorry rabbit, old mate, old mucker, but we are right out of them ham and cheese toasties."
The rabbit looked aghast, the crowd quietened to almost a whisper, when the barman cleared his throat nervously and added, "We do have a very nice cheese and onion toastie."
The rabbit looked him in the eye and said, "Are you sure I will like it." The audience was ear shatteringly silent.
The barman, with a roguish smile said, "Do you think that I would let down one of my best friends? I know you'll love it."
"Ok" said the rabbit, "I'll have a pint of beer and a cheese and onion toastie."
The pub erupted with glee as the rabbit quaffs the beer and guzzles the toastie. He then waved to the crowd and left.
NEVER TO RETURN!!!!!!
One year later in the now impoverished public house, the barman (who had only served four drinks all night, three of which were his) called time.
When he was cleaning down the now empty bar, he saw a small white form, floating above the bar.
The barman said, "Who are you?"
To which he was answered, "I am the ghost of the rabbit that used to frequent your public house."
The barman said, "I remember you, you made me famous, you would come in every night and have a pint of beer and a ham and cheese toastie. Masses came to see you and this place was famous."
The rabbit said, "Yes I know."
The barman said, "I remember, on your last night we didn't have any ham and cheese toasties, you had a cheese and onion one instead."
The rabbit said "Yes, you promised me that I would love it."
The barman said "You never came back, after that fateful night. What happened?"
"I DIED", said the Rabbit.
"Bugger" said the barman, "What from?"
After a short pause the rabbit sobbed...
"Mixing Me Toasties!"
The husband had just finished reading a new book entitled, "You can be THE MAN OF YOUR HOUSE."
He stormed to his wife in the kitchen and announced,
"From now on, you need to know that I am the man of this house and my word is law. You will prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I'm finished eating my meal, you will serve me a sumptuous dessert."
"After dinner, you are going to go upstairs with me and we will have the kind of sex that I want. Afterwards, you are going to draw me a bath so I can relax. You will wash my back and towel me dry and bring me my robe. Then, you will massage my feet and hands. Then tomorrow, guess who's going to dress me and comb my hair?"
The wife replied, "The funeral director would be my first guess."
Don't laugh!" said the patient.
"Of course I won't laugh," the doctor said. "I'm a professional. In over twenty years I've never laughed at a patient."
"Okay then." the patient said, and proceeded to drop his trousers, revealing the tiniest 'whoo-hoo' the doctor had ever seen. It couldn't have been bigger than the size of a AAA battery.
Unable to control himself, the doctor started giggling, then fell laughing to the floor. Ten minutes later he was able to struggle to his feet and regain his composure.
"I'm so sorry," said the doctor. "I really am. I don't know what came over me. On my honour as a doctor and a gentleman, I promise it won't happen again. Now what seems to be the problem?"
WARNING.. beer contains female hormones
This is serious stuff...Beer contains female hormones! Last month, National University of Lesotho scientists released the results of a recent analysis that revealed the presence of female hormones in beer. Men should take a concerned look at their beer consumption. The theory is that beer contains female hormones (hops contain phytoestrogens) and that by drinking enough beer, men turn into women. To test the theory, 100 men drank 8 pints of beer each within a 1 hour period. It was then observed that 100% of the test subjects:
1) Argued over nothing.
2) Refused to apologize when obviously wrong.
3) Gained weight.
4) Talked excessively without making sense.
5) Became overly emotional.
6) Couldn't drive.
7) Failed to think rationally
8) Had to sit down while urinating.
No further testing was considered necessary
Charlie was fixing a door and he found that he needed a new hinge, so he sent his wife Mary to B&Q.
At B&Q Mary saw a beautiful teapot on a top shelf while she was waiting for Ray, the manager, to finish waiting on a customer.
When Ray was finished, Mary asked "How much for the teapot?"
Ray replied, "That's silver and it costs £300."
"My goodness that sure is a lot of money!" Mary exclaimed.
Then she proceeded to describe the hinge that Charlie had sent her to buy, and Ray went to the back room to find it.
From the back room Ray yelled, "Mary, you wanna screw for that hinge?"
Mary replied, "No, but I will for the teapot."
This is why you can't send a woman to B&Q.
The following is the transcript of an actual radio conversation in October 1995, between a US Navy ship and The British authorities, off the Scottish North coast.
The transcript was released by the MoD on 10/10/95.
BRITISH : Please divert your course 15 degrees to the South, to avoid collision.
US Navy : Recommend you divert YOUR course 15 degrees to the North to avoid a collision.
BRITISH : Negative.You will have to divert your course 15 degrees to The South to avoid a collision.
US Navy : This is the Captain of US Navy ship. I say again, divert YOUR course.
BRITISH : Negative. I say again. You will have to divert your course.
US NAVY : THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER USS LINCOLN. THE SECOND LARGEST SHIP IN THE UNITED STATES' ATLANTIC FLEET. WE ARE ACCOMPANIED BY THREE DESTROYERS, THREE CRUISERS AND NUMEROUS SUPPORT VESSEL. DEMAND THAT YOU CHANGE YOUR COURSE 15 DEGREES NORTH, THAT'S 15 DEGREES NORTH, OR COUNTER MEASURES WILL BE UNDERTAKEN TO ENSURE THE SAFETY OF THIS SHIP.
BRITISH : We are a lighthouse. Sod off.
After his exam the doctor said to the elderly man: "You appear to be in good health. Do you have any medical concerns you would like to ask me about?"
"In fact, I do," said the old man.
"After I have sex I am usually cold and chilly, and then, after I have sex with her the second time, I am usually hot and sweaty."
After examining his elderly wife, the doctor said: "Everything appears to be fine. Do you have any medical concerns that you would like to discuss with me?"
The lady replied that she had no questions or concerns.
The doctor then said to her: "Your husband had an unusual concern. He claims that he is usually cold and chilly after having sex with you the first time, and then hot and sweaty after the second time. Do you know why?"
"Oh, that crazy old fart," she replied. "That's because the first time is usually in January and the second time is in August."
An attractive blonde from Cork arrived and bet twenty-thousand dollars on a single roll of the dice, at the casino.
She said, "I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm completely nude." With that, she stripped from the neck down, rolled the dice and yelled, "Come on, baby, Mama needs new clothes!"
As the dice came to a stop, she jumped up and down and squealed..."YES! YES! I WON, I WON!"
She hugged each of the dealers and then picked up her winnings and her clothes and quickly departed.
The dealers stared at each other dumbfounded. Finally, one of them asked, "What did she roll?"
The other answered, "I don't know - I thought you were watching."
MORAL OF THE STORY
Not all Irish are stupid and not all blondes are dumb, but all men are men.
A woman stopped by her recently married son's house. She rang the doorbell and walked in. She was shocked to see her daughter-in-law lying on the couch totally naked. Soft music was playing, and the aroma of perfume filled the room.
What are you doing?" she asked.
I'm waiting for your son to come home from work." the daughter-in-law answered.
But you're naked!" the mother-in-law exclaimed!
"This is my love dress." the daughter-in-law explained.
"Love dress? But you're naked!" said the mother-in-law.
"Your son loves me to wear this dress," daughter-in-law explained. "It excites him no end. Every time he sees me in this dress, he instantly becomes romantic and it goes on for hours. He can't get enough of me."
The mother-in-law left. When she got home, she undressed, showered, put on her best perfume, dimmed the lights, put on a romantic CD, and laid on the couch waiting for her husband to arrive. Finally, her husband came home. He walked in and saw her lying there so provocatively.
"What are you doing?" he asked.
"This is my love dress." she whispered, sensually.
"Needs ironing," he said. "What's for dinner?"
In Pharmacology, all drugs have two names, a trade name and generic name.
For example, the trade name of Tylenol also has a generic name of Acetaminophen. Aleve is also called Naproxen. Amoxil is also call Amoxicillin and Advil is also called Ibuprofen.
The FDA has been looking for a generic name for Viagra. After careful consideration by a team of government experts, it recently announced that it has settled on the generic name of Mycoxafloppin. Also considered were Mycoxafailin, Mydixadrupin, Mydixarizin, Dixafix, and of course, Ibepokin.
Pfizer Corp. announced today that Viagra will soon be available in liquid form, and will be marketed by Pepsi Cola as a power beverage suitable for use as a mixer. It will now be possible for a man to literally pour himself a stiff one. Obviously we can no longer call this a soft drink, and it gives new meaning to the names of "cocktails", "highballs" and just a good old-fashioned "stiff drink". Pepsi will market the new concoction by the name of: MOUNT & DO.
Thought for the day: There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra today than on Alzheimer's research. This means that by 2040, there should be a large elderly population with perky boobs and huge erections and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them.
Bill Clinton, Al Gore, and George W. Bush went to a fitness spa for some fun. After a stimulating, healthy lunch, all three decided to visit the men's room and they found a strange-looking gent sitting at the entrance.
He said, "Welcome to the gentlemen's room. Be sure to check out our newest feature, a mirror that, if you look into it and say something truthful, you will be rewarded with your wish.
But, be warned: if you say something FALSE, you will be sucked into the mirror to live in a void of nothingness for all eternity!"
The three men quickly entered and upon finding the mirror, Bill Clinton stepped up and said, "I think I'm the most intelligent of us three." and he suddenly found the keys to a brand new Bentley in his hands.
Al Gore stepped up and said, "I think I'm the most aware of the environmental problems of us three." and in an instant, he was surrounded by a pile of money to fund his next Presidential Campaign.
Excited over the possibility of finally having a wish come true, George W. Bush looked into the mirror and said, "I think...,"
and was promptly sucked into the mirror.
An elderly couple were attending church services. About halfway through she leaned over and said to her husband, "I just let out a silent fart what do you think I should do?"
He replied "Put a new battery in your hearing aid!!!!! "
Working people frequently ask retired people what they do to make their days interesting.
Well for example, the other day I went into town and went to a shop in Queen Street.
I was only in there for about 5 minutes. When I came out there was a cop writing out a parking ticket.
I went up to him and said, "Come on mate, how about giving a senior a break?"
He ignored me and continued writing the ticket. I called him a Nazi.
He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having worn tyres.
So I called him a piece of dog sh**.
He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first.
Then he started writing a third ticket. This went on for about 20 minutes.
The more I abused him, the more tickets he wrote.
Personally, I didn't give a damn. I came into town by bus.
I try to have a little fun each day now that I'm retired.
It's important at my age.
On a golf tour in Ireland, Tiger Woods drives his BMW into a petrol station in a remote part of the Irish countryside.
The pump attendant, who knows nothing about golf, greets him in a typical Irish manner completely unaware of who the golfing pro is.
"Top of the mornin' to yer, sir," says the attendant.
Tiger nods a quick "Hello" and bends forward to pick up the nozzle.
As he does so, two tees fall out of his shirt pocket onto the ground.
"What are dose?", asks the attendant.
"They're called tees," replies Tiger.
"Well, what on the good God's earth are dey for?" inquires the Irishman.
"They're for resting my balls on when I'm driving", says Tiger.
"Fookin Jaysus", says the Irishman, "BMW tinks of everyting."
A little boy got on the bus, sat next to a man reading a book, and noticed he had his collar on backwards. The little boy asked why he wore his collar that way.
The man, who was a priest, said, "I am a Father."
The little boy replied, "My Daddy doesn't wear his collar like that."
The priest looked up from his book and answered, "I am the Father of many."
The boy said, "My Dad has 4 boys, 4 girls and two grandchildren and he doesn't wear his collar that way."
The priest, getting impatient, said, "I am the Father of hundreds" and went back to reading his book.
The little boy sat quietly thinking for a while, then leaned over and whispered, "Maybe you should wear your pants backwards instead of your collar."
In the hospital the relatives gathered in the waiting room, where their family member lay gravely ill.
Finally, the doctor came in looking tired and sombre.
"I'm afraid I'm the bearer of bad news." he said as he surveyed the worried faces.
"The only hope left for your loved one at this time is a brain transplant. It's an experimental procedure, very risky but it is the only hope. Insurance will cover the procedure, but you will have to pay for the brain yourselves."
The family members sat silent as they absorbed the news. After a great length of time, someone asked, "Well, how much does a brain cost?"
The doctor quickly responded, "$5,000 for a male brain, or $200 for a female brain."
The moment turned awkward. Men in the room tried not to smile, avoiding eye contact with the women, but some actually smirked.
A man unable to control his curiosity, blurted out the question everyone wanted to ask.
"Why is the male brain so much more?"
The doctor smiled and explained to the entire group, "It's just standard pricing procedure. We have to mark down the price of the female brains because they've actually been used."
Age Activated Attention Deficit Disorder
I have got this......
This is how it develops:
You decide to water your garden.
As you turn on the hose in the driveway, you look over at your car and decide the car needs washing.
As you start toward the garage, you notice that there is post on the table that you brought in from the letterbox earlier.
You decide to go through the mail before you wash the car.
You lay the car keys down on the table, put the junk mail in the rubbish bin under the table, and notice that the bin is full.
So, you decide to put the bills back on the table and take out the rubbish first.
But then you think, when I take out the rubbish, I may as well go to the post box and pay the bills. You take the cheque book off the table, and see that there is only 1 cheque left.
The new cheque book is in the desk in the study, so you go inside the house to the desk where you find the can of Coke that you had been drinking.
You go to look for the cheque book, but first you need to push the Coke aside so that you don't accidentally knock it over. You see that the Coke is getting warm, and decide you should put it in the refrigerator to keep it cold.
As you head toward the kitchen with the Coke, a vase of flowers on the counter catches your eye - they need to be watered.
You set the Coke down on the counter, and discover your reading glasses that you've been searching for all morning.
You decide you better put them back on the desk, but first you are going to water the flowers.
You set the glasses back down on the counter, fill a container with water and suddenly spot the TV remote. Someone left it on the kitchen table.
You realize that tonight when you go to watch TV, you will be looking for the remote, but you won't remember that it's on the kitchen table, so you decide to put it back in the holder where it belongs, but first you'll water the flowers.
You pour some water in the flowers, but quite a bit of it spills on the floor. So, you set the remote back down on the table, get some towels and wipe up the spill.
Then, you head down the hall trying to remember what you were planning to do.
At the end of the day:
- the car isn't washed,
- the bills aren't paid,
- there is a warm can of Coke sitting on the counter,
- the flowers don't have enough water,
- there is still only 1 cheque in your cheque book,
- you can't find the remote,
- you can't find your glasses,
- and you don't remember what you did with the car keys.
Then, when you try to figure out why nothing got done today, you are really baffled because you know you were busy all day long, and you are really tired.
You realize this is a serious problem, and you'll try to get some help for it, but first you'll check the e-mail.
Don't laugh -- if this isn't you yet, your day is coming.......!
GROWING OLDER IS MANDATORY. GROWING UP IS OPTIONAL. LAUGHING AT YOURSELF IS THERAPEUTIC.
P.S I just remembered. I LEFT THE WATER RUNNING IN THE DRIVEWAY! GOTTA GO!!!!
I am passing this on to you because it definitely worked for me and we could all use a little more calmness in our lives.
By following the simple advice I heard on the radio yesterday, I have finally found inner peace:
The phone in show was talking about the potential damage to our health of the stress we have in our lives. Dr Phil proclaimed "The way to achieve inner peace is to finish all the things you've started but never finished."
So, this morning, I looked around my house to see all the things I had started and hadn't finished and before leaving the house, I finished off a bottle of Merlot, a bottle of White Zinfandel, a bottle of Bailey's Irish Cream, a bottle of Bombay Sapphire Gin, a packet of Jaffa cakes, the remainder of an old Prozac prescription, the rest of the cheesecake, some Doritos and a box of chocolates............You have no idea how bloody good I feel!!!! The man is a genius!
Please pass this on to those you feel might be in need of inner peace.
Paddy and Mick were walking down a street in London. Paddy happened to look in one of the shop windows and saw a sign that caught his eye.
The sign said "Suits £5.00 each, Shirts £2.00 each, Trousers £2.50 per pair."
Paddy said to his pal, "Mick, look! We could buy a whole lot of dose, and when we get back to Ireland, we could make a fortune. Now, when we get into the shop, you be quiet, okay? Just let me do all the talking cause if they hear our accent, they might not be nice to us. I'll speak in my best English accent."
"Roight y'are, Paddy, I'll keep me mouth shut, so I will." said Mick.
They went in and Paddy said, "I'll take 50 suits at £5.00 each, 100 shirts at £2.00 each and 50 pairs of trousers at £2.50 each. I'll back up my truck and..."
The owner of the shop interrupted, "You're from Ireland, aren't you?"
"Well ..... yes," said a surprised Paddy. "How der hell d'y'know dat?"
The owner said, "This is a dry cleaners."
A bit of black tarmac walks into a bar and orders a pint. He's just starting his pint when a bit of red tarmac walks in.
"Oi! Mate!" says the black tarmac. "I'm a piece of black tarmac, so that makes me a road. What are you?"
"I'm a bus lane." says the piece of red tarmac.
"Well it's nice to meet you." says rad. "Come and join me for a pint."
After a few beers the road says "'Ere. do you fancy going to that new club in town?!" and the bus lane says, "No mate, I'm a lightweight, I always end up getting my head kicked in."
So road says, "Don't worry about it, I'm a bit of a hard case, I'll look after you."
So bus lane says "Fair enough, as long as you look after me." So off they go.
After a few more beers in the club, three bits of green tarmac walk in. As soon as he sees them, road hides under the table. The bits of green tarmac take one look at bus lane and start kicking him, punching him and generally having a laugh. After a while they get bored and walk out. Bus Lane pulls his battered body over to the table, turns to road and says, "I thought you were going to look after me?!
"I was!!" says road, "But those bits of green tarmac are bloody cycle paths!"
A Jelly Bean walks into a bar and starts talking to a Smartie.
After a few beers the Smartie says "Ere, a bunch of us are heading to that new club, fancy tagging along?"
The Jelly Bean says "No mate, I'm a soft centre, I always end up getting my head kicked in."
So Smartie says "Don't worry about it, I'm a bit of a hard case, I'll look after you."
Jelly Bean thinks about it for a minute and says "Fair enough, as long as you'll look after me", and off they go.
After a few more beers in the club, three Lockets walk in.
As soon as he sees them, Smartie hides under the table.
The Lockets take one look at Jelly Bean and start kicking the jelly sh*t out of him, breaking bottles over his little jelly head, lamping him with chairs, and generally having a laugh.
After a while they get bored and walk out.
Jelly Bean pulls his battered Jelly Bean body over to the table and. turns to Smartie and says "I thought you were going to look after me."
"I was!" says Smartie, "But those Lockets are f**king menthol".
George W. Bush has a heart attack and dies.
He goes to hell where the devil is waiting for him.
"I'm not sure what to do," says the devil. "You're on my list but I have no room for you. You definitely have to stay here, so I'm going to have to let someone else go. I've got three folks here who weren't quite as bad as you.
I'll let one of them go, but you have to take their place. I'll even let you decide who leaves!!"
George thought that sounded pretty good, so he agreed.
The devil opened the first room. In it was Richard Nixon and a large pool of water. He kept diving in and climbing out, over and over. Such was his fate in hell.
"No!" George said. "I don't think so. I'm not a good swimmer and I don't think I could do that all day long."
The devil led him to the next room. In it was Tony Blair with a sledge hammer and a room full of rocks. All he did was swing the hammer, time after time.
"No!" said George, I've got this problem with my shoulder. I would be in constant agony if all I could do was break rocks all day."
The devil opened a third door.
In it, George saw Bill Clinton lying on the floor. His arms were staked over his head. His legs were staked in a spread-eagle pose. Bent over him was Monica Lewinsky. She was doing what she was famous for.
George Bush looked at this in disbelief for a while. Finally he said, "Yeah, I can handle that."
The devil smiled and said, "OK, Monica, you're free to go!!!"
One morning while making breakfast, a man walked up to his wife, pinched her on the butt and said, "If you firmed up, we could get rid of your control top panty hose".
While this was on the edge of intolerable, she kept silent.
The next morning the man woke his wife with a pinch on each of her breasts and said, "You know, if you firmed these up, we could get rid of your bra."
This was beyond a silent response, so she rolled over and grabbed him by his "wackie".
With a death grip in place, she said, "You know, if you firmed this up, we could get rid of the gardener, the postman, the pool man, and your brother!"
A Priest was about to finish his tour of duty and was leaving his Mission in the jungle where he has spent years teaching the natives when he realizes that the one thing he never taught them was how to speak English.
So he takes the chief for a walk in the forest. He points to a tree and says to the chief, "This is a tree." The chief looks at the tree and grunts, "Tree." The Priest is pleased with the response.
They walk a little further and he points to a rock and says, "This is a rock." Hearing this, the chief looks and grunts, "Rock." The Priest was really getting enthusiastic about the results when he hears a rustling in the bushes.
As they peek over the top, he sees a couple of natives in the midst of heavy sexual activity. The Priest is really flustered and quickly responds, "Man riding a bike." The chief looks at the couple briefly, pulls out his blowgun and kills them.
The Priest goes ballistic and yells at the chief that he has spent years teaching the tribe how to be civilized and be kind to each other, so how could he kill these people in cold blood that way?
The chief replied, "My bike."
A Woman came home and told her husband, "Remember those headaches I've been having all these years? Well, they're gone. No more headaches."
His wife replied, "The doctor referred me to a hypnotist. He told me to stand in front of a mirror, stare at myself and repeat 'I do not have a headache ... I do not have a headache ... I do not have a headache.' It worked! The headaches are all gone."
"Well, that is wonderful." the husband said.
His wife then said, "You know, you haven't been exactly a ball of fire in the bedroom these last few years. Why don't you go see the hypnotist and see if he can do anything for that?"
The husband agreed to try it.
Following his appointment, the husband came home, ripped off his clothes, picked up his wife and carried her into the bedroom. He put her on the bed and said, "Don't move, I'll be right back." He went into the bathroom and came back a few minutes later, jumped into bed and made passionate love to his wife like never before.
His wife said, "Boy, that was wonderful!"
The husband said, "Don't move! I will be right back." He went back into the bathroom, came back and round two was even better than the first time.
The wife struggled to sit up and her head was spinning. Her husband again said, "Don't move, I'll be right back." With that, he went back in the bathroom.
This time, his wife quietly followed him and there, in the bathroom, she saw him standing at the mirror and saying, "She's not my wife ... She's not my wife ... She's not my wife!"
A Scotsman walking down the street saw a woman with perfect breasts. He said to her, "Hey miss, would you let me bite your breasts for £100?"
"Are you sick?!!!" she replied, and kept walking away.
He turned around, ran around the block and got to the corner before she did. "Would you let me bite your breasts for £1,000?" he asked again.
"Listen you. I'm not that kind of woman! Got it?"
So the Scotsman ran around the next block and faced her again. "Would you let me bite your breasts just once for £10,000?"
She thought about it for a while and said, "Hmmm, £10,000; Ok, just once, but not here. Let's go to that dark alley over there."
So they went into the alley, where she took off her blouse to reveal the most perfect breasts in the world. As soon as he saw them, he grabbed them and started caressing them, fondling them slowly, kissing them, licking them, burying his face in them, but not biting them.
The woman finally got annoyed and asked, "Well? Are you gonna bite them or not?"
"Naa", said the Scotsman ... "Costs too much..."
A man asked his wife what she'd like for her birthday.. "I'd love to be eight again" she replied.
On the morning of her birthday he arose early, made her a nice big bowl of Coco Pops and then took her off to the local theme park.
What a Day!
He put her on every ride in the park:
The Death Slide
The Wall of Fear
The Screaming Monster Roller Coaster
Five hours later she staggered out of the theme Park.
Her head was reeling and her stomach felt upside down.
Right away they journeyed to a McDonalds where her loving husband ordered her a Happy Meal with extra fries and a refreshing chocolate milk shake.
Then it was off to the movies: the latest Star Wars epic, a hot dog, popcorn, all the Coke she could drink, her favourite lolly and M&M's.
What a fabulous adventure!
Finally she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed onto the bed exhausted. He leaned over his precious wife with a big smile and lovingly asked "Well Dear, what was it like being eight again?"
Her eyes slowly opened and her expression suddenly changed. "I meant my dress size, you f*ckin tw*t"
The moral of this story: Even when a man is listening, he's still going to get it wrong.
An old member approached a very beautiful woman shopping in a supermarket and said, "I've lost my wife here somewhere. Can you talk to me for a couple of minutes?"
The woman looked puzzled. "Why talk to me?" she asked.
"Because every time I talk to a woman with tits like yours, my wife appears out of nowhere."
Two builders (Dave and Stuart) were in a rough pub when a well-dressed man entered, ordered a beer and sat on a stool at the bar. The two builders started to speculate about the occupation of the suit...
Dave: - I reckon he's an accountant.
Stuart: - No way he's a stockbroker.
Dave: - He ain't no stockbroker! A stockbroker wouldn't come in here!
The argument repeated itself for some time until the volume of beer got the better of Dave and he made for the toilet. On entering the toilet he saw that the suit was standing at a urinal. Curiosity and the several beers got the better of the builder...
Dave: - Scuse me, no offence meant, but me and me mate were wondering what you do for a living?
Suit: - No offence taken! I'm a Logical Scientist by profession!
Dave: - Oh! What's that then?
Suit: - I'll try to explain by example. Do you have a goldfish at home?
Dave: - Er mmm well yeah, I do as it happens!
Suit: - Well, it's logical to follow that you keep it in a bowl or in a pond. Which is it?
Dave: - It's in a pond!
Suit: - Well then it's reasonable to suppose that you have a large garden then?
Dave: - As it happens, yes I have got a big garden!
Suit: - Well then it's logical to assume that in this town if you have a large garden then you have a large house?
Dave: - As it happens I've got a five bedroom house, built it myself.
Suit: - Well given that you've built a five bedroom house it is logical to assume that you haven't built it just for yourself and that you are quite probably married?
Dave: - Yes I am married, I live with my wife and three children.
Suit: - Well then it is logical to assume that you are sexually active with your wife on a regular basis?
Dave: - Yep! Four nights a week!
Suit: - Well then it is logical to suggest that you do not masturbate very often?
Dave: - Me? Never.
Suit: - Well there you are! That's logical science at work!
Dave: - How's that then?
Suit: - Well from finding out that you had a goldfish, I've told you about your sex life!
Dave: - I see! That's pretty impressive, thanks mate!
Both left the toilet and Dave returned to his mate.
Stuart: - I see the suit was in there. Did you ask him what he does?
Dave: - Yep! He's a logical scientist!
Stuart: - What's that then?
Dave: - I'll try and explain. Do you have a goldfish?
Stuart: - Nope.
Dave: - Well then, you're a wanker.
A couple went for a meal at a Chinese restaurant and ordered the 'Chicken Surprise.'
The waiter brought the meal, served in a lidded cast iron pot.
Just as the wife was about to serve herself, the lid of the pot rose slightly and she briefly saw two beady little eyes looking around before the lid slammed back down.
'GOOD GRIEF, DID YOU SEE THAT?' she asked her husband.
He didn't, so she asked him to look in the pot.
He reached for it and again the lid rose, and he saw TWO LITTLE EYES LOOKING AROUND before it slammed down.
Rather perturbed, he called the waiter over, explained what was happening and demanded an explanation.
'Please sir,' said the waiter, 'what you order?'
The husband replied, 'Chicken Surprise.'
'Ah! So solly,' said the waiter, 'I bring you PEEKING DUCK!'
Nelson Mandella was sitting at home, watching TV and having a beer, when there was a knock at the door. He opened the door to find a small Chinaman holding a clipboard, shouting, "You sign. You sign." Behind him was a huge lorry full of car exhausts.
"You got the wrong man," said Mandella, and slammed the door.
A couple of days later, he heard a knock at the door again and found the same Chinaman with his clipboard, which he thrust under Mandella's nose, shouting, "You sign. You sign".
This time there was a lorry load of car brake pads. By now, Mandella was getting hacked off, so he pushed the Chinaman back saying, "Look - I don't want them. Go away!"
The following day - knock, knock; same Chinaman, this time with two huge lorries containing car parts. He again thrust his clipboard at Mandella, shouting, "You sign. You sign"
At this, Mandella completely lost it. He grabbed the Chinaman by his lapels and shouted, "Don't you understand. I don't want these parts. Who are you supposed to deliver them to?"
The Chinaman looks confused, checked his delivery form and said ...
"You not Nissan Main Dealer?"
A married man was having an affair with an Italian woman.
Then one day she told him that she was pregnant.
Not wanting to ruin his reputation or his marriage, he paid her a great deal of money to go back to Italy to have the baby in secret, telling her that if she promised to stay in Italy and raise the child, he would pay child support until it was eighteen.
She agreed to this, but asked him how she would let him know when the baby was born.
He told her, to keep things discrete, to send him a postcard with the codeword 'Spaghetti' written on the back.
About nine months later, the man's wife was bemused as she watched him read the postcard that has arrived in the post, turn ghostly white and fall over in a dead faint.
On the postcard was written:
"Spaghetti, spaghetti, spaghetti, spaghetti, spaghetti. Three with meatballs, two without.
SEND EXTRA SAUCE!"
Thought for the day: Treat every situation like a dog.
If you can't eat it or screw it, piss on it and walk away!
Four married members went out for a day's motorcycle ride. Before they set off one of them said, "You've no idea what I've gone through to get out with you chaps for the day. I had to promise my wife that I'd redecorate the hall and staircase."
"That's nothing," said the second, "I had to promise to build a load of decking in the garden."
"You fellows had it easy," said the third, "I had to promise to completely remodel the kitchen."
After awhile they pulled in for a break and the first three realized that the forth man hadn't said a word, so they asked him what he had to do to get out for the day.
He replied, "I set the alarm for five-thirty and when it went off I nudged the wife and said, 'Motorcycling or sex?' and she said....
'Take your waterproofs!'"
A new Marine Captain was assigned to an outfit in a remote post in the African desert. During his first inspection of the outfit, he noticed a Camel hitched up behind the mess tent. He asked the Sergeant why the camel is kept there.
The nervous sergeant said, "Well sir, as you know, there are 250 men here on the post and no women. And sir, sometimes the men have urges. That's why we have Molly the Camel."
The Captain said, "I can't say that I condone this, but I understand about urges, so the camel can stay."
About a month later, the Captain started having his own "urges". Crazy with passion, he asked the Sergeant to bring the camel to his tent. Putting a ladder behind the camel, the Captain stood on the ladder, pulled his pants down and had wild, insane sex with the camel.
When he'd done, he asked the Sergeant, "Is that how the men do it?"
"No, not really, sir...
1st Surgeon: "Accountants are the best to operate on because when you open them up everything is numbered."
2nd Surgeon; "Nah, librarians are best, everything is in alphabetical order."
3rd Surgeon:"Try electricians! Everything inside them is colour coded."
4th Surgeon: "I prefer lawyers. They are heartless, spineless, gutless and their heads and arses are interchangeable."
5th Surgeon who has been listening to the conversation. "I like BSA bike restorers ... They always understand when you tell them you have a few parts left over in the end."
The following are all replies that women have written on Child Support Agency Forms in the section for listing "father's details;" or putting it another way.... Who's yo Daddy? These are genuine excerpts from the forms.
1. Regarding the identity of the father of my twins, child A was fathered by Jim Munson. I am unsure as to the identity of the father of child B, but I believe that he was conceived on the same night.
2. I am unsure, as to the identity of the father of my child as I was being sick out of a window when taken unexpectedly from behind. I can provide you with a list of names of men that I think were at the party if this helps.
3. I do not know the name of the father of my little girl. She was conceived at a party at 3600 East Grand Boulevard where I had unprotected sex with a man I met that night. I do remember that the sex was so good that I fainted. If you do manage to track down the father, can you please send me his phone number? Thanks.
4. I don't know the identity of the father of my daughter. He drives a BMW that now has a hole made by my stiletto in one of the door panels. Perhaps you can contact BMW service stations in this area and see if he's had it replaced.
5. I have never had sex with a man. I am still a Virginian. I am awaiting a letter from the Pope confirming that my son's conception was ejaculate and that he is the Saver risen again.
6. I cannot tell you the name of child A's dad as he informs me that to do so would blow his cover and that would have cataclysmic implications for the economy. I am torn between doing right by you and right by the country. Please advise.
7. I do not know who the father of my child was as they all look the same to me.
8. Peter Smith is the father of child A . If you do catch up with him, can you ask him what he did with my AC/DC CDs? Child B who was also borned at the same time.... well, I don't have clue.
9. From the dates it seems that my daughter was conceived at Disney World; maybe it really is the Magic Kingdom.
10. So much about that night is a blur. The only thing that I remember for sure is Delia Smith did a program about eggs earlier in the evening. If I had stayed in and watched more TV rather than going to the party at 8956 Miller Ave, mine might have remained unfertilized.
11. I am unsure as to the identity of the father of my baby, after all, like when you eat a can of beans you can't be sure which one made you fart.
Yep, you guessed it right - you are all paying taxes to support these dim wits!!!!
Murphy called to see his mate Paddy who had a broken leg. Paddy said, "Me feet are freezing mate, could you nip upstairs and get me slippers?"
"No bother," he said, and he ran upstairs and there were Paddy's two stunning 19 year old twin daughters sat on their beds. "Hello dere girls, your Da' sent me up here to shag ya both."
"Fook off ... you liar!".
"I'll prove it." Murphy says.
So he shouted down the stairs, "Both of them, Paddy?"
"Of course, what's the use of fookin' one?"
A distinguished young woman on a flight from Switzerland asked the Priest beside her, "Father, may I ask a favour?"
"Of course. What may I do for you?"
"Well, I bought an expensive woman's electronic hair dryer for my mother's birthday. The dryer is unopened and well over the Customs limits and I'm afraid they'll confiscate it. Is there any way you could carry it through Customs for me? Under your robes perhaps?"
"I would love to help you, dear, but I must warn you: I will not lie."
"With your honest face, Father, no one will question you."
When they reached the Customs area she let the priest go ahead of her.
The official asked: "Father, do you have anything to declare?"
"From the top of my head down to my waist, I have nothing to declare."
The official thought this answer strange, so asked, "And what do you have to declare from your waist to the floor?"
"I have a marvellous instrument designed to be used on a woman, but which is, to date, unused."
Roaring with laughter, the official said, "Go ahead, Father."
A Horse, A Chicken & A Harley
On the farm lived a chicken and a horse, both of whom loved to play together.
One day the two were playing, when the horse fell into a bog and began to sink.
Scared for his life, the horse whinnied for the chicken to go get the farmer for help!
Off the chicken ran, back to the farm. Arriving at the farm, he searched and searched for the farmer, but to no avail, for he had gone to town with the only tractor.
Running around, the chicken spied the farmer's new Harley. Finding the keys in the ignition, the chicken sped off with a length of rope hoping he still had time to save his friend's life.
Back at the bog, the horse was surprised, but happy, to see the chicken arrive on the shiny Harley, and he managed to get a hold of the loop of rope the chicken tossed to him.
After tying the other end to the rear bumper of the farmer's bike, the chicken then drove slowly forward and, with the aid of the powerful bike, rescued the horse!
Happy and proud, the chicken rode the Harley back to the farmhouse, and the farmer was none the wiser when he returned.
The friendship between the two animals was cemented: Best Buddies, Best Pals.
A few weeks later, the chicken fell into a mud pit and soon, she too, began to sink and cried out to the horse to save her life!
The horse thought a moment, walked over, and straddled the large puddle.
Looking underneath, he told the chicken to grab his hangy-down thing and he would then lift her out of the pit.
The chicken got a good grip, and the horse pulled her up and out, saving her life.
The moral of the story? (yep, you betcha, there IS a moral!)
"When You're Hung Like A Horse, You Don't Need A Harley To Pick Up Chicks"
53,000 Geordies meet in St James Park for a "Geordies Are Not Stupid" convention.
Alan Shearer addresses the crowd "We are all here today to prove to the world that Geordies are not stupid. Can I have a volunteer please, Gazza gingerly works his way through the crowd and steps up to the stage.
Shearer asks him "What is 15 plus 15?" After 15 or 20 seconds Gazza says, "Eighteen!"
Obviously everyone is a little disappointed. Then the Geordies start chanting "Give him another chance! Give him another chance!"
Shearer says "Well since we have a capacity crowd, world-wide press and global broadcast media here, I think we can give him another chance."
So he asks "What is 5 plus 5?"
After nearly 30 seconds he eventually says, "Ninety?"
Shearer looks down and just lets out a dejected sigh.
Everyone is disheartened and Gazza starts crying.
But then the 53,000 Geordies begin to yell and wave their hands shouting "GIVE HIM ANOTHER CHANCE! GIVE HIM ANOTHER CHANCE!"
Shearer, unsure whether he is now doing more harm than good eventually says, "What is 2 plus 2?"
Silence hangs over the stadium. Gazza closes his eyes and after a whole minute eventually says, "Four?"
Pandemonium breaks out throughout the stadium as the Geordie crowd stand to a man, wave their arms, stomp their feet and scream ...
"GIVE HIM ANOTHER CHANCE! GIVE HIM ANOTHER CHANCE!"
A man suspected his wife of seeing another man. So, he hired a famous Chinese detective, Mea Lookzee Yu, to watch and report any activities that might develop. A few days later, he received this report:
Most honorable sir:
If you had purchased £1,000 of shares in Delta Airlines one year ago, you would have £49.00 today.
If you had purchased £1,000 of shares in AIG one year ago, you would have £33.00 today.
If you had purchased £1,000 of shares in Lehman Brothers one year ago, you would have £0.00 today.
But, if you had purchased£1,000 worth of beer one year ago, drank all the beer, then turned in the aluminum cans for recycling refund, you would have received £214.00.
Based on the above, the best current investment plan is to drink heavily & recycle.
At dawn the telephone rings, "Hello, Senor Rod?"
This is Ernesto, the Caretaker at your country house."
"Ah yes, Ernesto. What can I do for you? Is there a problem?"
"Um, I am just calling to advise you, Senor Rod, that your parrot, he is dead"
"My parrot? Dead? The one that won the International competition?"
"Si, Senor, that's the one."
"Damn! That's a pity! I spent a small fortune on that bird. What did he die from?"
"From eating the rotten meat, Senor Rod."
"Rotten meat? Who the hell fed him rotten meat?"
"Nobody, Senor. He ate the meat of the dead horse."
"Dead horse? What dead horse?"
"The thoroughbred, Senor Rod."
"My prize thoroughbred is dead?"
"Yes Senor Rod, he died from all that work pulling the water cart."
"Are you insane?? What water cart?"
"The one we used to put out the fire, Senor."
"Good Lord!! What fire are you talking about, man??"
"The one at your house, Senor! A candle fell and the curtains caught on fire."
"What the hell?? Are you saying that my mansion is destroyed because of a candle?? !!"
"Yes, Senor Rod."
"But there's electricity at the house! What was the candle for?"
"For the funeral, Senor Rod."
"WHAT BLOODY FUNERAL??!!"
"Your wife's, Senor Rod', she showed up very late one night and I thought she was a thief, so I hit her with your new tailor made R9-460 driver."
SILENCE . . ... . .. . .. . ..LONG SILENCE . . . .. . . . ....
"Ernesto, if you broke that golf club, you're in DEEP-SHIT!"
A nun is sitting with her Mother Superior chatting. "I used some horrible language this week and feel absolutely terrible about it."
"When did you use this awful language?" asks the elder.
"Well, I was golfing and hit an incredible drive that looked like it was going to go over 280 yards, but it struck a phone line that was hanging over the fairway and fell straight down to the ground after going only about 100 yards."
"Is that when you swore?"
"No, Mother," says the nun. "After that, a squirrel ran out of the bushes and grabbed my ball in its mouth and began to run away."
"Is THAT when you swore?" asked the Mother Superior again.
"Well, no." says the nun. "You see, as the squirrel was running, an eagle came down out of the sky, grabbed the squirrel in his talons and began to fly away!"
"Is THAT when you swore?" asked the amazed elder nun.
"No, not yet. As the eagle carried the squirrel away in its claws, it flew near the green and the squirrel dropped my ball."
"Did you swear THEN?" asked Mother Superior, becoming impatient.
"No, because the ball fell on a big rock, bounced over the sand trap, rolled onto the green, and stopped about six inches from the hole."
The two nuns were silent for a moment.
Then Mother Superior sighed and said, "You missed the fcuking putt, didn't you?"
Thanks for all the jokes from Adam Fosberry, Eric Tindall, MaLu, Rob Winnett, Graham Mills and others.