Another year shot but the Foz Spot continued to keep us smiling. The old ones are the best, aren't we!
On the farm lived a chicken and a donkey, both of whom loved to play together. One day the two were playing when the donkey fell into a bog and began to sink.!
Scared for his life, the donkey 'hee hawed' for the chicken to go get the farmer for help!
Off the chicken ran, back to the farm.
Arriving at the farm, she searched and searched for the farmer, but to no avail, for he had gone to town with the only tractor.
Running around, the chicken spied the farmer's new BMW...
Finding the keys in the ignition, the chicken started the beautiful motor car and the chicken sped off with a length of rope, hoping she still had time to save her friend's life. Back at the bog, the donkey was surprised, but happy, to see the chicken arrive in the shiny BMW, and he managed to get a hold of the loop of rope the chicken tossed to him. After tying the other end to the rear bumper of the farmer's car, the chicken then drove slowly forward and, with the aid of the powerful car, rescued the donkey!
Happy and proud, the chicken drove the BMW back to the farm house, and the farmer was none the wiser when he returned.
The friendship between the two animals was cemented: best buddies.
A few weeks later, would you believe, the chicken fell into the same bog, and soon, she too began to sink and cried out to the donkey to save her life!
The donkey thought a moment, walked over and straddled the large puddle. Looking underneath, he told the chicken to grab his "thing" and he would then lift her out of the bog.
The chicken got a good grip, and the donkey pulled her up and out, saving her life.
The moral of the story?
When you're hung like a donkey, you don't need a BMW to pick up chicks.
This is what marriage is about:
He ordered one hamburger, one order of French fries and one drink.
The old man unwrapped the plain hamburger and carefully cut it in half.
He placed one half in front of his wife. He then carefully counted out the French fries, dividing them into two piles and neatly placed one pile in front of his wife. He took a sip of the drink, his wife took a sip and then set the cup down between them.
As he began to eat his few bites of hamburger, the people around them kept looking over and whispering. You could tell they were thinking, "That poor old couple - all they can afford is one meal for the two of them."
As the man began to eat his fries a young man came to the table. He politely offered to buy another meal for the old couple. The old man said they were just fine - They were used to sharing everything.
The surrounding people noticed the little old lady hadn't eaten a bite.
She sat there watching her husband eat and occasionally taking turns sipping the drink.
Again the young man came over and begged them to let him buy another meal for them. This time the old woman said "No, thank you, we are used to sharing everything."
As the old man finished and was wiping his face neatly with the napkin, the young man again came over to the little old lady who had yet to eat a single bite of food and asked "What is it you are waiting for?"
She answered: "THE TEETH."
A police officer pulls over a speeding car. The officer says, "I clocked you at 80 miles per hour, sir."
The driver says, "Really, officer? I had it on cruise control at 60."
Not looking up from her knitting the wife says: "Now don't be silly dear, you know that this car doesn't have cruise control."
As the officer writes out the ticket, the driver looks over at his wife and growls, "Can't you keep your mouth shut for once?"
The wife smiles demurely and says, "You should be thankful your radar detector went off when it did."
As the officer makes out the second ticket for the illegal radar detector unit, the man glowers at his wife and says through clenched teeth, "Damn it, woman, can't you keep your mouth shut?"
The officer frowns and says, "And I notice that you're not wearing your seat belt, sir. That's an automatic £75 fine."
The driver says, "Yeah, well, you see officer, I had it on, but took it off when you pulled me over so that I could get my licence out of my back pocket "
The wife says, "Now, dear, you know very well that you didn't Have your seat belt on. You never wear your seat belt when you're driving."
And as the police officer is writing out the third ticket the driver turns to his wife and barks, "WHY DON'T YOU SHUT THE F**K UP??"
The officer looks over at the woman and asks, "Does your husband always talk to you this way, Ma'am?"
"Only when he's been drinking."
The US army decided to cut back on it's Generals to save money.
They called in three 3 Star Generals and informed them that they were being given early retirement. They were to receive full pensions, but as a bonus they would receive 10,000 dollars for every inch of their body from whichever point they chose to another.
The first stepped forward, saluted and said, "SIR from the tip of my toes to the top of my head."
"Six foot." said the medic measuring.
"720,000 dollars. THANK YOU SIR."
The second stepped forward raised his arms above his head and said "SIR from the tips of my toes to the tips of my fingers."
The medic said "8 foot."
"960,000 dollars -THANK YOU SIR."
The third a wizened old pro stepped forward and said "SIR from the tip of my p***s to the back of my te***cles."
The 4 Star General said "The others have left with big sums of money, please re-think."
The old pro insisted, dropped his trousers and the medic stepped forward.
He placed the measure on the tip of the old pros p***s pulled back the measure and looking startled said "Where are your te***cles?"
A farmer went out one day and bought a brand new stud rooster for his chicken coop. The new rooster struts over to the old rooster and says, "OK old fart, time for you to retire."
The old rooster replies, "Come on, surely you cannot handle ALL of these chickens. Look what it has done to me. Can't you just let me have the two old hens over in the corner?"
The young rooster says, "Beat it: You are washed up and I am taking over.."
The old rooster says, "I tell you what, young stud. I will race you around the farmhouse. Whoever wins gets the exclusive domain over the entire chicken coop."
The young rooster laughs. "You know you don't stand a chance, old man. So, just to be fair, I will give you a head start."
The old rooster takes off running. About 15 seconds later the young rooster takes off running after him. They round the front porch of the farmhouse and the young rooster has closed the gap.
He is only about 5 feet behind the old rooster and gaining fast. The farmer, meanwhile, is sitting in his usual spot on the front porch when he sees the roosters running by. He grabs his shotgun and - BOOM - he blows the young rooster to bits.
The farmer sadly shakes his head and says,
"Darn.....third gay rooster I bought this month."
Moral of this story? ...
Don't mess with us OLD FARTS - age, skill, and treachery will always overcome youth and arrogance!
A past Phoenix member staggered home very late after another evening with his drinking old pals. He took off his shoes to avoid waking his wife.
He tiptoed as quietly as he could toward the stairs leading to their upstairs bedroom, but misjudged the bottom step. As he caught himself by grabbing the banister, his body swung around and he landed heavily on his rump. A whiskey bottle in each back pocket broke and made the landing especially painful.
Managing not to yell, the old biker sprung up, pulled down his pants, and looked in the hall mirror to see that his butt cheeks were cut and bleeding. He managed to quietly find a full box of Band-Aids and began putting a Band-Aid as best he could on each place he saw blood.
He then hid the now almost empty Band-Aid box and shuffled and stumbled his way to bed.
In the morning, he woke up with searing pain in both his head and butt and his missus staring at him from across the room.
She said, "You were drunk again last night weren't you?"
The past member said, "Why do you say such a mean thing?"
"Well," she said, "it could be the open front door, it could be the broken glass at the bottom of the stairs, it could be the drops of blood trailing through the house, it could be your bloodshot eyes, but mostly ..... it's all those Band-Aids stuck on the hall mirror!"
* * * Bonus Joke * * *
Sean Connery was interviewed by Michael Parkinson, and bragged that despite being 72 years of age, he could still have sex 3 times a night.
Cilla Black, who was also a guest, looked intrigued. After the show, Cilla said, "Sean, if I'm not bein too forward, I'd luv to 'ave sex with yer. Let's go back to my 'ouse, we could 'ave a lorra fun.
So they went back to her place. After a couple of drinks they went off to bed and had an hour of mad passionate sex together.
Afterwards, Sean says, "If you think that was good, let me shleep for half an hour, and we can have better shex. But while I'm shleeping, hold my balls in your left hand and ma willie in your right hand."
Cilla looks a bit perplexed, but says "Okay".
He sleeps for half an hour, awakens, and they have even better sex than before.
Then Sean says, "Shilla, that was wonderful. But if you let me shleep for an hour, we can have the besht shex yet. You'll have to......."
"I know Sean. Yer want me to 'old onto yer bat 'n balls again. No problem hun." and Cilla complies with the routine.
The results this time are absolutely mind blowing.
Once it's all over, they have a drink, Sean lights a cigarette and Cilla asks "Sean, tell me, dis 'oldin yer balls in one hand and yer willie in de other - does it really stimulate yer dat much?"
Sean replies, "No, not at all Shilla, but the lasht time I shlept with a shcouser, the b!tch shtole ma wallet!".
Two couples were playing Poker one evening. John accidentally dropped some cards on the floor. When he bent down under the table to pick them up, he noticed that Bill's wife's legs were wide apart, and she wasn't wearing any underwear! Shocked by this, John upon trying to sit back up again, hit his head on the table and emerged red-faced.
Later, John went to the kitchen to get some refreshments. Bill's wife Sue, followed and asked, "Did you see anything that you liked under there?" Surprised by her boldness, John admitted that, well, indeed he did. She said, "Well, you can have it but it will cost you £500."
After taking a minute or two to assess the financial situation as well as the moral costs of this offer, John says that he is indeed interested. She tells him that since her husband, Bill, works Friday afternoons and John doesn't, that John should be at her house around 2pm Friday afternoon.
When Friday rolled around, John showed up at Bill's house for the planned time at 2pm sharp and after paying her the agreed upon £500, they went to the bedroom and completed their sexual transaction as Sue had promised. Afterwards, John quickly dressed and left.
As usual, Bill came home from work at 6pm and upon entering the house, asks his wife abruptly, "Did John come by the house this afternoon?"
With a lump in her throat, Bill's wife answered, "Why yes, he did stop by for a few minutes this afternoon".
Her heart nearly skipped a beat when her husband curtly asked, "And did he give you £500?"
In terror, she assumed that somehow he had found out, and after mustering up her best poker face, replied, "Well, yes, in fact he did give me £500".
Bill, with a satisfied look on his face, surprised his wife by saying, "Good, I was hoping he did. John came by the office this morning and borrowed £500 from me. He promised me he'd stop by our house this afternoon on his way home and pay me back."
NOW THAT'S A REAL POKER PLAYER !!
The doctor said, "Joe, the good news is I can cure your headaches. The bad news is that it will require castration. You have a very rare condition, which causes your testicles to press on your spine, and the pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles."
Joe was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he had anything to live for. He had no choice but to go under the knife.
When he left the hospital he was without a headache for the first time in 20 years, but he felt like he was missing an important part of himself.
As he walked down the street, he realized that he felt like a different person.
He could make a new beginning and live a new life.
He saw a men's clothing store and thought, "That's what I need - a new suit."
He entered the shop and told the salesman, "I'd like a new suit."
The elderly tailor eyed him briefly and said, "Let's see ... size 44 chest."
Joe laughed, "That's right, how did you know?"
"Been in the business 60 years!" the tailor said.
Joe tried on the jacket. It fit perfectly.
As Joe admired himself in the mirror, the salesman eyed Joe's trousers and said, "Let's see..size 32 inside leg."
Joe laughed "Ah! ha! I got you! I've worn size 34 since I was 18 years old."
The salesman shook his head, "You can't wear a size 34.
A 34 would press your testicles up and give you one hell of a headache."
Private Operation = £4000
New suit = £200
Second opinion: PRICELESS
A story about a fly, a fish, a bear, a hunter, a mouse and a cat.
There is a moral to this story, but not exactly the one most of us are expecting!
In the dead of summer a fly was resting on a leaf beside a lake. The hot, dry fly who said to no one in particular, "Gosh ... if I go down three inches I will feel the mist from the water and I will be refreshed."
There was a fish in the water thinking, "Gosh ... if that fly goes down three inches, I can eat him."
There was a bear on the shore thinking, "Gosh ... if that fly goes down three inches that fish will jump for the fly ... and I will grab him!"
It also happened that a hunter was further up the bank of the lake preparing to eat a cheese sandwich. "Gosh," he thought, "if that fly goes down three inches ... and that fish leaps for it ... that bear will expose himself and grab for the fish. I'll shoot the bear and have a proper lunch."
Now, you probably think this is enough activity on one bank of a lake, but I can tell you there's more ....
A wee mouse by the hunter's foot was thinking, "Gosh if that fly goes down three inches ... and that fish jumps for that fly ... and that bear grabs for that fish ... the dumb hunter will shoot the bear and drop his cheese sandwich."
A cat lurking in the bushes took in this scene and thought, (as was fashionable to do on the banks of this particular lake around lunch time) "Gosh ... if that fly goes down three inches ... and that fish jumps for that fly ... and that bear grabs for that fish and that hunter shoots that bear ... and that mouse makes off with the cheese sandwich ... then I can have mouse for lunch."
The poor fly is finally so hot and so dry that he heads down for the cooling mist of the water.
The fish swallows the fly ... The bear grabs the fish ... The hunter shoots the bear ... The mouse grabs the cheese sandwich ... The cat jumps for the mouse ... The mouse ducks ... The cat falls into the water and drowns.
The moral of the story is:
Whenever a fly goes down three inches, some pussy is in serious danger.
Corporate Lesson 1
A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower when the doorbell rings. The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs. When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next door neighbour. Before she says a word, Bob says, "I'll give you $800 to drop that towel."
After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob. After a few seconds, Bob hands her $800 dollars and leaves. The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs.
When she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks, "Who was that?"
"It was Bob the next door neighbour," she replies. "Great!" the husband says, "Did he say anything about the $800 he owes me?"
Moral of the story: If you share critical information pertaining to credit and risk with your shareholders in time, you may be in a position to prevent avoidable exposure.
Corporate Lesson 2
A priest offered a lift to a Nun. She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to reveal a leg. The priest nearly had an accident. After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg.
The nun said, "Father, remember Psalm 129?"
The priest removed his hand. But, changing gears, he let his hand slide up her leg again.
The nun once again said, "Father, remember Psalm 129?"
The priest apologized, "Sorry sister but the flesh is weak."
Arriving at the convent, the nun went on her way. On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to look up Psalm 129.
It said, "Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory."
Moral of the story: If you are not well informed in your job, you might miss a great opportunity.
Corporate Lesson 3
A sales rep, an administration clerk, and the manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp. They rub it and a Genie comes out. The Genie says, "I'll give each of you just one wish."
"Me first! Me first!" says the admin. clerk. "I want to be in the Bahamas, driving a speedboat, without a care in the world." Poof! She's gone.
"Me next! Me next!" says the sales rep. "I want to be in Hawaii, relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of Pina Coladas, and the love of my life." Poof! He's gone.
"OK, you're up." the Genie says to the manager.
The manager says, "I want those two back in the office after lunch."
Moral of the story: Always let your boss have the first say.
Corporate Lesson 4
A crow was sitting on a tree, doing nothing all day. A rabbit asked him, "Can I also sit like you and do nothing all day long?"
The crow answered: "Sure, why not."
So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the crow, and rested. A fox jumped on the rabbit and ate it.
Moral of the story: To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very high up.
Corporate Lesson 5
A turkey was chatting with a bull. "I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree," sighed the turkey, but I haven't got the energy."
"Well, why don't you nibble on my droppings?" replied the bull. "They're packed with nutrients." The turkey pecked at a lump of dung and found that it gave him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree. The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch. Finally after a fourth night, there he was proudly perched at the top of the tree. Soon he was spotted by a farmer, who shot the turkey out of the tree.
Moral of the story: Bullshit might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there.
Corporate Lesson 6
What does it mean to give more than 100%? Have you ever wondered about those people who say they are "giving more than 100%"? We have all been to meetings where someone wants you to give over 100%. How about achieving 103%? What makes up 100% in life?
This is a mathematical formual that might clarify the subject:
A B C D E F G H I J etc
is represented by
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 etc
11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5 = 96%
8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 = 98%
1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5 = 100%
2+21+12+12+19+8+9+20 = 103%
and look how far ass kissing will take you -
1+19+19+11+9+19+19+9+14+7 = 127%
Moral of the story: You can conclude with mathematical certainty that hard work and knowledge will get you close, and attitude will get you there but it is the bullshit and ass kissing that will put you over the top.
* * * Bonus Joke * * *
A posh hotel holds three weddings on the same day and at the end of the night, the three grooms, all past Phoenix members of course, meet up at the bar to discuss the days events over a couple of beers.
One questions the other two, "Listen, it's our wedding night and I was wondering - how many times are we expected to ... um ... you know .... DO IT ???"
Eventually, they all decide to retire to their respective wives and see how the night goes, with the idea to meet up the following morning over breakfast to discuss what went on.
Suddenly one pipes up, "Hold on lads, we can't discuss our first nights marital goings on over the breakfast table with our new wives sat with us."
"No you're right. What we'll do then, is for every piece of toast we order with our breakfast, that'll be the amount times we did it." offers another groom. They all decide it's an excellent idea and depart.
The next day in the hotel dining room, the grooms are all looking a bit dishevelled, but that's nothing compared to the brides, who can barely stagger across the room to their tables.
The waitress comes up to the first groom to take his order, "Hello, I'll have the full English breakfast with THREE pieces of toast please."
The other two grooms smile at him and raise a glass of fresh orange in a toast to his fantastic prowess.
The waitress moves to the second couple, and the groom orders, "I too would like the full English breakfast but could I have FOUR pieces of toast."
The waitress gets to the last groom.
"I shall also have the full English breakfast please, yet I shall have..." he takes a deep breath "SEVEN, yes SEVEN PIECES OF TOAST" he calls for everyone's benefit, whilst giving a big cheesy grin to his two mates.
"Seven pieces of toast sir?" queries the waitress. "Why, that's an awful lot."
"Yes indeed young lady, seven pieces of toast it is."
She writes down his order and turns away, but before she can leave, he calls after her ...
"And by the way love, can you make two of those Brown?"
A man was dying, and his wife was at his side.
"Roy, I must confess" she said, "During the course of our marriage, I cheated on you 3 times, but please, hear me out."
"Do you remember when you needed that operation, but we could not afford it? And then the doctor miraculously offered you it for free? Well, I slept with him, and I'm sorry"
"That's ok" he said
"And do you remember the time you wanted a new car, but were $1000 short, but the salesman let you have it anyway? Well, I slept with him and I'm sorry"
"That's ok, I forgive you" he said. "But what about the third time?"
"Well, remember when you wanted to join the golf club, and all you needed was 19 votes?"
It was getting a little crowded in Heaven, so God decided to change the admittance policy. The new law was that, in order to get into Heaven, you had to have a really bad day the day you died. The policy would go into effect at noon the following day. So the next day at 12:01 the first person came to the gates of Heaven.
The angel at the gate, remembering the new law, promptly asked the man, "Before I can let you in, I need you to tell me about the day you died.
"No problem," said the man. "Well, for some time now, I've thought my wife was having an affair. I believed that each day on her lunch hour, she'd bring her lover home to our 25th floor apartment and have sex with him. So today I was going to come home to catch them. Well, I got there and busted in and immediately began searching for this guy. My wife was naked and yelling at me as I searched the entire apartment. But, damn it, I couldn't find him! Just as I was about to give up, I happened to glance out onto the balcony and noticed that there was a man hanging off the edge by his fingertips! The nerve of that guy to think he could hide from me! Well, I ran out there and promptly stomped on his fingers until he fell to the ground. But, wouldn't you know it, he landed in some bushes that broke his fall, and he didn't die. In a rage I went back inside to get the first thing I could find to throw at him. And oddly enough, the first thing I could grab was the refrigerator. I unplugged it, pushed it out onto the balcony and heaved it over the side. It plummeted 25 stories and crushed him! The excitement of the moment was so great that right after that I had a heart attack and died almost instantly."
The angel sat back and thought for a moment. Technically, the guy DID have a bad day, and it WAS a crime of passion, so he announced, "Ok, sir. Welcome to the Kingdom of Heaven," and let him in.
A few seconds later the next guy came up. "Ok. Here's the rule. Before I can let you in, I need to hear about the day you died."
"Sure thing," the man replied. "But you're not gonna believe this. I was out on the balcony of my 26th floor apartment doing my daily exercises when I got a little carried away and accidentally fell over the side! Luckily however, I was able to catch myself by my fingertips on the balcony directly beneath mine. When all of a sudden this crazy man comes running out of his apartment and starts cussing and stomping on my fingers! Well of course I fall. I hit some trees and bushes on the way down which broke my fall so I didn't die right away. As I'm laying there face up on the ground, unable to move and in excruciating pain, I see the man push his refrigerator, of all things, over the ledge and it falls directly on top of me and kills me!"
The angel is quietly laughing to himself as the man finishes his story. "I could get used to this new policy," he thinks to himself. "Very well," the angel announces. "Welcome to the Kingdom of Heaven," and he lets the man enter.
A few seconds later the third man in line comes up to the gate. "Tell me about the day you died," said the angel.
"Ok. Picture this," says the man. "I'm naked inside a refrigerator..."
The 1st Affair
A married man was having an affair with his secretary. One day they went to her place and made love all afternoon. Exhausted, they fell asleep and woke up at 8pm. The man hurriedly dressed and told his lover to take his shoes outside and rub them in the grass and dirt. He put on his shoes and drove home.
"Where have you been?" his wife demanded.
"I can't lie to you," he replied, "I'm having an affair with my secretary. We had sex all afternoon."
She looked down at his shoes and said: "You lying *******! You've been playing golf!"
The 2nd Affair
A middle-aged couple had two beautiful daughters but always talked about having a son. They decided to try one last time for the son they always wanted. The wife got pregnant and delivered a healthy baby boy. The joyful father rushed to the nursery to see his new son.
He was horrified at the ugliest child he had ever seen. He told his wife: "There's no way I can be the father of this baby. Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered! Have you been fooling around behind my back?"
The wife smiled sweetly and replied: "Not this time!"
The 3rd Affair
A Mortician was working late one night. He examined the body of Mr. Schwartz about to be cremated and made a startling discovery. Schwartz had the largest private part he had ever seen! "I'm sorry Mr. Schwartz," the mortician commented, "I can't allow you to be cremated with such an impressive private part. It must be saved for posterity."
So, he removed it, stuffed it into his briefcase, and took it home
"I have something to show you won't believe," he said to his wife, opening his briefcase.
"My God!" the wife exclaimed, "Schwartz is dead!"
The 4th Affair
A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening the front door. "Hurry," she said, "stand in the corner."
She rubbed baby oil all over him, and then dusted him with talcum powder. "Don't move until I tell you," she said, "pretend you're a statue."
"What's this?" the husband inquired as he entered the room.
"Oh it's a statue," she replied, "the Smiths bought one and I liked it so I got one for us, too."
No more was said, not even when they went to bed. Around 2am the husband got up, went to the kitchen and returned with a sandwich and a beer.
"Here," he said to the statue, "have this. I stood like that for two days at the Smiths and nobody offered me a damned thing."
The 5th Affair
A man walked into a cafe, went to the bar and ordered a beer. "Certainly, Sir, that'll be one cent."
"One Cent?" the man exclaimed. He glanced at the menu and asked: "How much for a nice juicy steak and a bottle of wine?"
"A nickel." the barman replied.
"A nickel?" exclaimed the man. "Where's the guy who owns this place?"
The bartender replied: "Upstairs, with my wife."
The man asked: "What's he doing upstairswith your wife?"
The bartender replied: "The same thing I'm doing to his business down here."
The 6th Affair
Jake was dying. His wife sat at the bedside. He looked up and said weakly: "I have something I must confess."
"There's no need to, " his wife replied.
"No," he insisted, "I want to die in peace I slept with your sister, your best friend, her best friend, and your mother!"
"I know," she replied, "now just rest and let the poison work."
Four older ladies are sitting around playing bridge.
The first lady says, "You know girls, I have known you all a long time and there is something I must get off my chest. I am a Kleptomaniac. But, don't worry, I have never stolen from you and I never will; we have been friends for too long."
The second lady says, "Well, since we are having true confessions here, I must get something off my chest too. I am a Nymphomaniac. But don't worry, I have not hit on your husbands. They don't interest me and never will; we have been friends for too long."
"Well," says the third lady, "I, too, must confess something. I am a Lesbian. But do not worry, I will not hit on you. You are not my type. We have been friends too long for me to ruin our friendship."
The fourth lady stands up, says, "I have a confession to make also.
I am an uncontrollable gossip, and I have some phone calls to make!
A large corporation recently hired several cannibals.
"You are all part of our team now," said the HR rep during the welcoming briefing. "You get all the usual benefits and you can go to the cafeteria for something to eat, but please .... don't eat any of the other employees."
The cannibals promised they would not. Four weeks later their boss remarked, "You're all working very hard and I'm satisfied with your work. However, one of our secretaries has disappeared. Do any of you know what happened to her?"
The cannibals all shook their heads "No."
After the boss had left, the leader of the cannibals said to the others, "Which one of you dummies ate the secretary?"
A hand rose hesitantly.
"You fool," the leader continued. "For four weeks we've been eating managers and no one noticed anything. But NOOOooooo, you had to go and eat someone who actually DOES something!"
A sign in the Bank lobby reads: "Please note that this Bank is installing new drive-through teller machines enabling customers to withdraw cash without leaving their vehicles. Customers using these facilities are requested to use the procedures outlined below when gaining access to their accounts. After months of careful research, MALE & FEMALE procedures have been developed. Please follow the appropriate steps for your gender."
1. Drive up to the cash machine.
2. Put down your car window.
3. Insert card into machine and enter PIN.
4. Enter amount of cash required to withdraw.
5. Retrieve card, cash and receipt.
6. Put window up.
7. Drive off.
1. Drive up to cash machine.
2. Reverse and back up the required amount to align car window with the machine.
3. Set parking brake, put the window down.
4. Find handbag, remove all contents on to passenger seat to locate card.
5. Tell person on cell phone you will call them back and hang up
6. Attempt to insert card into machine.
7. Open car door to allow easier access to machine due to its distance from the car.
8. Insert card.
9. Re-insert card the right way.
10. Dig through handbag to find diary with your PIN written on the inside back page.
11. Enter PIN.
12. Press cancel and re-enter correct PIN.
13. Enter amount of cash required.
14. Check makeup in rear view mirror.
15. Retrieve cash and receipt.
16. Empty handbag again to locate wallet and place cash inside.
17. Write debit amount in check register and place receipt in back of checkbook.
18. Re-check makeup.
19. Drive forward 2 feet.
20. Reverse back to cash machine.
21. Retrieve card.
22. Re-empty hand bag, locate card holder, and place card into the slot provided.
23. Give appropriate one-fingered hand signal to irate male driver waiting behind you.
24. Restart stalled engine and pull off.
25. Redial person on cell phone.
26. Drive for 2 to 3 miles.
27. Release Parking Brake.
Brian came home from a past members' reunion late one Friday evening stinko drunk, as he always did, and crept into bed beside his wife who was already asleep. He gave a peck on the cheek and fell asleep. When he awoke he found a strange man standing at the end of his bed wearing a long flowing white robe.
"Who the hell are you?" demanded Brian, "And what are you doing in my bedroom?"
The mysterious Man answered "This isn't your bedroom and I'm St Peter."
Brian was stunned "You mean I'm dead!!! That can't be, I have so much to live for, I haven't said goodbye to my family and all my old pals .... you've got to send me back straight away."
St Peter replied "Yes you can be reincarnated but there is a catch. We can only send you back as a dog or a hen."
Brian was devastated, but knowing there was a farm not far from his house, he asked to be sent back as a hen. A flash of light later he was covered in feathers and clucking around pecking the ground.
"This ain't so bad" he thought until he felt this strange feeling welling up inside him.
The farmyard rooster strolled over and said "So you're the new hen, how are you enjoying your first day here?"
"It's not so bad " replies Brian," but I have this strange feeling inside like I'm about to explode".
"You're ovulating." explained the rooster, "Don't tell me you've never laid an egg before."
"Never" replies Brian.
"Well just relax and let it happen."
And so he did and after a few uncomfortable seconds later, an egg pops out from under his tail.
An immense feeling of relief swept over him and his emotions got the better of him as he experienced motherhood for the first time. When he laid his second egg, the feeling of happiness was overwhelming and he knew that being reincarnated as a hen was the best thing that ever happened to him...ever!!!
The joy kept coming and as he was just about to lay his third egg he felt an enormous smack on the back of his head and heard his wife shouting...
"Brian, wake up you drunken bas#ard, you're shi##ing the bed."
A very confident James Bond walks into a bar and takes a seat next to a very attractive woman. He gives her a quick glance, then casually looks at his watch for a moment.
The women notices this and asks, "Is your date running late?"
"No," he replies, "Q has just given me this state-of-the-art watch. I was just testing it."
The intrigued woman says, "A state-of-the-art watch? What's so special about it?"
Bond explains, "It uses alpha waves to talk to me telepathically."
The lady says, "What's it telling you now?"
"Well, it says you're not wearing any knickers...."
The woman giggles and replies, "Well it must be broken because I am wearing knickers!"
Bond smirks, taps his watch and says, "Bloody thing's an hour fast."
A teacher asks her class to use the word 'contagious'.
Roland, the class swot, gets up and says, "Last year I got the measles and my Mum said it was contagious."
"Well done, Roland." says the teacher. "Can anyone else try?"
Katie, a sweet little girl with pigtails, says, "My grandma says there's a bug going round, and it's contagious."
"Well done, Katie." says the teacher. "Anyone else?"
Little Patrick jumps up and says in a broad Irish voice, "Our next door neighbour is painting his house with a two-inch brush and my Dad says it will take the contagious."
A past LPMCC member was standing naked looking in the bedroom mirror and said to his wife.
"I look horrible. I'm fat, my beer gut and my backside are getting bigger every the day, I find a new wrinkle every morning and less hair every evening and my dickie is disappearing."
Sitting down with his head in his hands he continued, "I just feel so old and ugly."
His wife replied "Well if it's any consolation your eyesight's spot on!"
Bonde girl goes into a sex shop and asks for a vibrator. "Choose from our range on the wall," says the man.
"I'll take the red one." she says.
The man replies, "That's the fire extinguisher!"
An blonde girl walks into her local dry-cleaners. She places a garment on the counter.
"I'll be back tomorrow afternoon to pick up my dress", she says.
"Come again?", says the man, cupping his ear.
"No," she replies, "this time it's mayonnaise."
An blonde girl is involved in a nasty car crash and is trapped and losing blood.
The paramedics soon arrive and one says, "I'm a doctor and I'm going to ask you some questions".
"O.K." she replies.
"What's your name?"
"O.K. Sharon, is this your car?"
"Where are you bleeding from?"
"An blonde girl was driving along the A13 when her car 'phone rang. It was her boyfriend, urgently warning her, "Treacle, I've just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on the A13; please be careful !"
"It's not just one car," she says. "There's hundreds of 'em!"
Another blonde girl is involved in a car crash and there's blood everywhere.
The paramedics arrive and drag the girl out of the car and lie her flat.
Medic: "I'm going to check to see if you're concussed."
Medic: "How many fingers am I putting up?"
Girl: "Oh my God ... I'm paralysed from the waist down!"
A journalist in Jerusalem heard about an old Jewish man who'd been going to the Wailing Wall, to pray, twice a day, every day for sixty years.
She thought that this would make a nice 'feelgood' news item, so she went to the Wailing Wall to find the man.
After a while, he arrived. She watched him pray for about forty five minutes and when he turned to leave, she approached him for an interview. "I'm Rebecca Smith from BBC News, sir. How long have you been coming to the Wailing Wall to pray?"
"For sixty years," he replies, slowly.
"That's amazing ! What do you pray for?" she asks.
"I pray for peace between Christians, Jews and Muslims, ma'am. I pray for all the hatred to stop and I pray that all our children should grow up in peace and friendship, already."
"How do you feel, after doing this for sixty years?" she enquires.
"Like I'm talking to a brick wall!"
Six past LPMCC members were playing poker.
loses £500 on a single hand. He clutches his chest and drops dead at the table.
Showing respect for their fallen brother the other five continue playing standing up.
looks around and asks, "Oh, boys, someone's got to tell 's wife. Who will it be?"
They draw cards. picks the low one. They tell him to be discrete, be gentle, don't make a bad situation any worse.
"Discrete? I'm the most discrete man you'll ever meet. Discretion is my middle name. Leave it to me."
goes over to 's house and knocks on the door.
's wife answers and asks what he wants.
declares: "Your husband just lost £500 and is afraid to come home."
"Tell him to drop dead!", says 's wife.
"I'll go tell him," says
THE LONELY BRAIN CELL
Once upon a time there was a female brain cell which, by mistake, happened to end up in a Leicester Phoenix MCC man's head. She looked around nervously because it was all empty and quiet.
"Hello?" she cried, but no answer. "Is there anyone here?" she cried a little louder, but still no answer. Now the female brain cell started to feel alone and scared and yelled at the top of her voice,
"HELLO, IS THERE ANYONE HERE?"
Then she heard a faint voice from far, far away..............
"We're down here ..."
A past LPMCC member and a woman who had never met before, but were both married to other people, found themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on a transcontinental train.
Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room, they were both very tired and fell asleep quickly... he in the upper bunk and she in the lower.
At 1:00 AM, the past member leaned over and gently woke the woman saying, "Ma'am, I'm sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach into the closet to get me a second blanket? I'm awfully cold."
"I have a better idea," she replied. "Just for tonight, let's pretend that we're married."
"Wow! That's a great idea!" he exclaimed.
"Good," she replied. "Get your own damned blanket."
After a moment of silence, he farted.
Two old ladies are outside their nursing home, having a drink and a smoke, when it starts to rain. One of the old ladies pulls out a condom, cuts off the end, puts it over her cigarette, and continues smoking.
Maude: What in the hell is that?
Mable: A condom. This way my cigarette doesn't get wet.
Maude: Where did you get it?
Mable: You can get them at any chemists.
The next day, Maude hobbles herself into the local chemists and announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms.
The pharmacist, obviously embarrassed, looks at her kind of strangely (she is after all, over 80 years of age), but very delicately asks what brand of condom she prefers.
"Doesn't matter Sonny, as long as it fits on a Camel."
The pharmacist fainted.
A little paper bag was feeling unwell, so he took himself off to the doctors.
"Doctor, I don't feel too good," said the little paper bag.
"Hmm, you look ok to me," said the Doctor, "but I'll do a blood test and see what that shows. Come back and see me in a couple of days."
The little paper bag felt no better when he went back for the results.
"What's wrong with me?" asked the little paper bag.
"I'm afraid you are HIV positive!" said the doctor.
"No, I can't be - I'm just a little paper bag!" said the little paper bag.
"Have you been having unprotected sex?" asked the doctor.
"NO, I can't do things like that - I'm just a little paper bag!"
"Well have you been sharing needles with other drug users?" asked the doctor.
"NO, I can't do things like that - I'm just a little paper bag!"
"Perhaps you've been abroad recently and required a jab or a blood transfusion?" queried the doctor.
"No, I don't have a passport - I'm just a little paper bag!"
"Well", said the doctor, "are you in a homosexual relationship?"
"NO! I told you I can't do things like that, I'm just a little paper bag!"
"Then there can be only one explanation," said the doctor.
"Your mother must have been a carrier!!"
A psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy session with four young mothers and their small children...
"You all have obsessions," he observed. To the first mother, Mary, he said, "You are obsessed with eating. You've even named your daughter Candy."
He turned to the second Mom, Ann: "Your obsession is with money. Again, it manifests itself in your child's name, Penny."
He turns to the third Mom, Joyce: "Your obsession is alcohol. This too manifests itself in your child's name, Brandy."
At this point, the fourth mother, Kathy, gets up, takes her little boy by the hand and whispers.......
"Come on, Dick, we're leaving."
German guy approaches a prostitute and says "I vish to buy sex vit you."
"OK" says the girl, "I'll charge 100 dollars an hour."
"Ist goot, But I must varn you, I am a little kinky."
"No problem." she replies cautiously, "I can do a little kinky."
So off they go to the girl's flat, where the German produces four large bedsprings and a duck caller.
"I vant you to tie ze springs to each of your limbs."
The girl finds this very strange, but complies, fastening the springs to her hands and knees.
"Now you vill get on your hans and knees."
She duly does this, balancing on the springs.
"You vill please blow zis vistle as I make love to you."
She finds all this very odd, but figures it's harmless, and the guy is paying.
The sex is fantastic. She is bounced all over the room by the energetic German, all the time honking on the duck caller. The climax is the most sensational she has ever experienced, and it is several minutes before she has recovered her breath.
Finally she gasps "That was totally amazing . . . . what do you call that?"
"Ah", says the German ...
"Four-sprung duck technique."
An elderly man in North Queensland owned a large property. He had a dam in the next paddock, fixed up nice - picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and some mango and avocado trees. The dam was properly shaped and fixed up for swimming when it was built.
One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the dam, as he hadn't been there for a while, to look it over. He grabbed a five gallon bucket to bring back some fruit. As he neared the dam, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee. As he came closer he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his dam.
He called out and made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end. One of the women shouted to him, "We're not coming out until you leave!"
The old man frowned, "I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the dam naked." Holding the bucket up he said,
"I'm here to feed the crocodile."
Moral: Old men might walk slow, but they can still think fast.
A couple made a deal that whoever died first would come back and inform the other of the afterlife. Their biggest fear was that there was no afterlife.
After a long life, the husband was the first to go, and true to his word he made contact,
"Is that you, Joe?"
"Yes, I've come back like we agreed."
"What's it like?"
"Well, I get up in the morning, I have sex. I have breakfast, off to the golf course, I have sex. I bathe in the sun, and then I have sex twice.
I have lunch, another romp around the golf course, then sex pretty much all afternoon. After supper, golf course again. Then have sex until late at night. The next day it starts again."
"Oh, Joe you surely must be in heaven."
"Not exactly, I'm a rabbit on a golf course in Arizona."
A past member spent every spare minute he had riding his motorcycle and rallying. One Saturday morning he got up and the weather was terrible. Whilst loading his tent onto his bike he checked the local forecast. It was going to get worse. The bike was unloaded and he went back to bed. As he got back into bed he said to his wife "The weather out there is terrible."
His wife replied "That stupid husband of mine is out motorcycling in it."
A man walks into a bar and asks for a beer.
After drinking it, he looks in his shirt pocket and asks for another beer.
After drinking that one, he looks in his shirt pocket again and asks for another beer.
This happens about another seven times before the bartender asks Him,
"Why do you keep looking in your pocket?"
The man replies, "I have a picture of my wife in there. When she looks good enough, I'll go home."
A guy gets on a plane and finds himself seated next to a cute blonde. He immediately turns to her and makes his move.
"You know," he says, "I've heard that flights will go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger. So let's talk."
The blonde, who had just opened her book, closes it slowly and says to the guy, "What would you like to discuss?"
"Oh, I don't know," says the guy, smiling. "How about nuclear power?"
"OK," says the blonde. "That could be an interesting topic. But let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same stuff -- grass. Yet the deer excretes little pellets, the cow turns out a flat patty, and the horse produces muffins of dried poop. Why do you suppose that is?"
The guy is dumbfounded. Finally he replies, "I haven't the slightest idea."
"So tell me," says the blonde, "How is it that you feel qualified to discuss nuclear power when you don't know shit?"
A married couple was in a terrible accident where the woman's face was severely burned. The doctor told the husband that they couldn't graft any skin from her body because she was too skinny. So the husband offered to donate some of his own skin. However, the only skin on his body that the doctor felt was suitable would have to come from his buttocks.
The husband and wife agreed that they would tell no one about where the skin came from, and requested that the doctor also honour their secret. After all, this was a very delicate matter.
After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the woman's new beauty. She looked more beautiful than she ever had before! All her friends and relatives just went on and on about her youthful beauty!
One day, she was alone with her husband, and she was overcome with emotion at his sacrifice.
She said, "Dear, I just want to thank you for everything you did for me. There is no way I could ever repay you."
"My darling," he replied, "think nothing of it. I get all the thanks I need every time I see your mother kiss you on the cheek."
A farmer goes out to his field one morning only to find all of his cows frozen solid.
As far as the eye can see are cows, motionless like statues. it had been a cold night, but he'd never thought anything like this would happen.
The realisation of the situation then dawned on him. With his entire livestock gone, how would he make ends meet? How would he feed his wife and kids? How would he pay the mortgage?
He sat with his head in his hands, trying to come to terms with his impending poverty.
Just then, an elderly woman walked by, "What's the matter?" asked the old lady.
The farmer gestured toward the frozen cows and explained his predicament to the woman.
Without hesitation the old woman smiled and began to rub one of the cows noses.
After a few seconds the cow began to twitch and was soon back to normal and chewing the cud.
One by one the old woman defrosted the cows until the whole field was full of healthy animals.
The farmer was delighted and asked the woman what she wanted as a repayment for her deed.
She declined his offer and walked off across the field.
A passer-by who had witnessed the whole thing approached the farmer.
"You know who that was don't you?" asked the passer-by.
"No" said the farmer "who?"
"That was Thora Hird."
A past LPMCC member had two great tickets for the MotoGP. As he sat down, another man came down and asked if anyone was sitting in the seat next to him.
"No", he said, "the seat is empty".
"This is incredible!" said the man, "who in their right mind would have a seat like this for the MotoGP, the best race of the year, and not use it?"
He replies, "well, actually, the seat belongs to me. My wife was supposed to come with me, but she passed away. This is the first race meeting we haven't been together since we got married."
"Oh .. I'm sorry to hear that. That's terrible. I guess you couldn't find someone else, a motorcycling friend or relative or even a neighbour to take the seat?"
The past member shook his head... "No. They're all at the funeral. "
A hunter killed a deer and brought it home. He decided to clean it, prepare it, and serve the deer meat for dinner. He knew his kids were fussy eaters, and won't eat it if they know what it is, so he didn't tell them.
His little boy kept asking him, "What's for dinner dad?"
"You'll see", he replied.
They started eating dinner and his daughter kept asking him what they were eating.
"Ok", said her dad, "Here's a hint. It's what your mother sometimes calls me."
His daughter screams "Don't eat it, Jimmy! It's a fucking arsehole!
A few minutes before the church services started, the townspeople were sitting in their pews and talking.
Suddenly, Satan appeared at the front of the church. Everyone started screaming and running for the front entrance, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away from evil incarnate.
Soon, everyone had exited the church except for one old man calmly sitting in his pew without moving, seeming oblivious to the fact that God's ultimate enemy was in his presence.
So Satan walked up to the old man and said "Don't you know who I am?"
"Yep, sure do."
"Aren't you afraid of me?"
"Nope, sure ain't."
"Don't you realize I can kill you with a word?"
"Don't doubt it for a minute."
"Did you know that I could cause you profound, horrifying, physical agony for all eternity??"
"Yep", was the calm reply.
"And you're still not afraid??" asked Satan.
More than a little perturbed, Satan asked, "Well, why aren't you afraid of me?"
The man calmly replied...... "Been married to your sister for 35 years."
Here is one for the Trick or Treaters who haunt us at Haloween.
A man was walking home alone late one foggy night, when behind him he hears:
Walking faster, he looks back and through the fog he makes out the image of an upright casket banging its way down the middle of the street toward him.
Terrified, the man begins to run toward his home, the casket bouncing quickly behind him
He runs up to his door, fumbles with his keys, opens the door, rushes in, slams and locks the door behind him.
However, the casket crashes through his door, with the lid of the casket
on his heels, the terrified man runs.
Rushing upstairs to the bathroom, the man locks himself in. His heart is
pounding; his head is reeling; his breath is coming in sobbing gasps.
With a loud CRASH the casket breaks down the door.
Bumping and clapping toward him.
The man screams and reaches for something, anything, but all he can find is a bottle of cough syrup!
Desperate, he throws the cough syrup at the casket and ...
The coffin stops.
At the end of the tax year, the Tax Office sent an inspector to audit the books of a synagogue. While he was checking the books he turned to the Rabbi and said: "I notice you buy a lot of candles. What do you do with the candle drippings?"
"Good question," noted the Rabbi. "We save them up and send them back to the candle makers, and every now and then they send us a free box of candles."
"Oh," replied the auditor, somewhat disappointed that his unusual question had a practical answer. But on he went, in his obnoxious way: "What about all these biscuit purchases? What do you do with the crumbs?"
"Ah, yes," replied the Rabbi, realising that the inspector was trying to trap him with an unanswerable question. "We collect them and send them back to the manufacturers, and every now and then they send a free box of holy biscuits."
"I see," replied the auditor, thinking hard about how he could fluster the know-it-all Rabbi. "Well, Rabbi," he went on, "what do you do with all the leftover foreskins from the circumcisions you perform?"
"Here, too, we do not waste," answered the Rabbi. "What we do is save up all the foreskins and send them to the Tax Office, and about once a year they send us a complete dick."
A man bumps into a woman in a hotel lobby and as he does, his elbow goes into her breast. They are both quite startled. The man turns to her and says,
"Ma'am, if your heart is as soft as your breast, I know you'll forgive me."
She replies, "If your penis is as hard as your elbow, I'm in room 221."
One night, as a couple lays down for bed, the husband starts rubbing his wife's arm.
The wife turns over and says, "I'm sorry honey, I've got a gynecologist appointment tomorrow and I want to stay fresh."
The husband, rejected, turns over a few minutes later; he rolls back over and taps his wife again. "Do you have a dentist appointment tomorrow too?"
Bill worked in a pickle factory. He had been employed there for a number of years when he came home one day to confess to his wife that he had a terrible compulsion. He had an urge to stick his whatsit into the pickle slicer.
His wife suggested that he should see a sex therapist to talk about it, but Bill said he would be too embarrassed. He vowed to over come the compulsion on his own.
One day a few weeks later, Bill came home and his wife could see at once that something was seriously wrong.
"What's wrong, Bill?" she asked.
"Do you remember that I told you how I had this tremendous urge to put my whatsit into the pickle slicer?"
"Oh, Bill, you didn't!" she exclaimed.
"Yes, I did." he replied.
"My God, Bill, what happened?"
"I got fired."
"No, Bill. I mean, what happened with the pickle slicer?"
"Oh ... she got fired too."
A couple had been married for 50 years. They were sitting at the breakfast table one morning when the wife says, "Just think, fifty years ago we were sitting here at this breakfast table together."
"Yes, I know," the old man said.
"We were probably sitting here naked as a jaybird fifty years ago."
"Well," Granny snickered. "let's relive some old times."
Where upon, the two stripped to the buff and sat down at the table.
"You know, honey," the little old lady breathlessly replied, "my nipples are as hot for you today as they were fifty years ago."
"I wouldn't be surprised," replied Gramps.
"... one's in your coffee and the other is in your oatmeal."
A past club member was walking down the street when he was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless man who asked him for a couple of quid for dinner.
Our pal took out his wallet, extracted ten pounds and asked, "If I give you this money, will you buy some beer with it instead of dinner?"
"No, I had to stop drinking years ago," the homeless man replied.
"Will you use it to buy petrol for your motorcycle instead of buying food?" the ex-member asked.
"No, I don't have a motorbike," the homeless man said. "I need to spend any cash trying to stay alive."
"Will you spend the money on a woman in the red light district instead of food?" the our pal asked.
"What disease would I get for ten nicker?" exclaimed the homeless man.
"Well," said the past club member, "I'm not going to give you the money. Instead, I'm going to take you home for a terrific dinner cooked by my wife."
The homeless man was astounded. "Won't your wife be furious with you for doing that? I know I'm dirty, and I probably smell pretty disgusting."
Our pal replied, "That's okay. It's important for her to see what a man looks like after he has given up beer, bikes and sex."
Three bulls heard via the grapevine that the rancher was going to bring yet another bull onto the ranch, and the prospect raised a discussion among them.
First Bull: "Boys, we all know I've been here 5 years. Once we settled our differences, we agreed on which 100 of the cows would be mine. Now, I don't know where this newcomer is going to get HIS cows, But I aint' givin' him any of mine."
Second Bull: "That pretty much says it for me, too. I've been here 3 years and have earned my right to the 50 cows we've agreed are mine. I'll fight 'im till I run him off or kill 'im, but I'M KEEPIN' ALL MY COWS."
Third Bull: "I've only been here a year, and so far you guys have only let me have 10 cows to "take care of". I may not be as big as you fellows (yet) but I am young and virile, So I simply MUST keep all MY cows."
They had just finished their big talk when an eighteen-wheeler pulls up in the middle of the pasture with only one animal in it: the biggest son-of-another-bull these guys had ever seen! At 4700 pounds, each step he took toward the ground strained the steel ramp to the breaking point.
First Bull: "Ahem ... You know, it's actually been some time since I really felt I was doing all my cows justice, anyway. I think I can spare a few for our new friend."
Second Bull: "I'll have plenty of cows to take care of if I just stay on the opposite end of the pasture from HIM. I'm certainly not looking for an argument."
They look over at their young friend, the 3rd bull, and find him pawing the dirt, shaking his horns, and snorting.
First Bull: "Son, let me give you some advice real quick. Let him have some of your cows and live to tell about it."
Third Bull: "Sh*t, he can have ALL my cows. I'm just making sure he knows I'm a bull!!
A woman sitting in a restaurant suddenly began to cough.
After a few seconds it became apparent that she was in real distress, and two old LPMCC lads, Abe and Zak sitting at the next table turned to look at her.
"Can you swallow?" asked Zak
The woman signalled "No!", desperately shaking her head.
"Can you breathe?" asked Abe.
The woman shook her head, No!!!
With that, Zak walked behind her, lifted up the back of her dress, yanked down her knickers and ran his tongue up and down the crack of her arse.
This shocked the woman into such a violent spasm that the obstruction flew out of her mouth and she began to breathe again.
Zak swaggered back to his table and took a deep swig of his beer.
Abe said in admiration "Ya know Zak, I'd heard of that bloody Hind Lick Manoeuvre, but that's the first time I ever seen somebody do it."
* * * Bonus Joke * * *
Three old motorcyclists died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates.
"In honor of this holy season," Saint Peter said, "you must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven."
The first biker fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. "It represents a candle." he said.
"You may pass through the pearly gates." Saint Peter said.
The second biker reached into his pocket and pulled out his morotcycle keys. He shook them and said, "They're bells."
Saint Peter said "You may pass through the pearly gates."
The third motocyclist started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women's panties.
St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, "And just what do those symbolize?"
The biker replied, "These are Carols."
Thanks for jokes through the year from Adam Fosberry, Eric Tindall, Rob Winnett, John Sim, Ken Wells, Carol Evans, Phil Barton, Jeff Waller and many others.
I enjoyed your site - well presented and some good jokes a few of which I thought were new - Loved the Hind Lick Manouevre one.