By Popular Demand. All the 2004 jokes on one bumper page.
Sitting in a pub and draining his glass Murphy said "I must be off now I'm taking night school classes in Vietnamese."
"Why so?" asked the barman.
"Well, my wife and I have just adopted a Vietnamese baby and I want to know what it says when it grows up." replied Murphy.
A man is really cheesed off with his wife's cat, so he decides to get rid of it one day by driving it a few miles away and leaving it in a park.
As he's getting home, walking up his driveway, the cat is sitting by the back door meowing to be let in.
So the next day he decides to drive the cat 20 miles away, throw the cat out of his window and drive swiftly home.
As he gets out of his car, there's the cat sat at the back door again, waiting to be let in.
This happens every day. Each day the man drives further and further away, but every time he arrives back home, the cat is always waiting to be let in at the back door.
Finally the man drives 50 miles away. Turning left then right, doing u-turns, going twice around the traffic islands, until he finds a park many miles away from where he lives and drops the cat off.
Many hours later, the man phones his wife.
"Is the cat there?" he asks.
"Yes," says the wife, "why do you ask?"
Frustrated the man replies, "put the bastard on the phone.......I'm lost and need directions"
Two past Phoenix members were sitting outside in the sun talking over old times.
"Do you know" says Zak "you are without doubt my very best friend."
"Is that so?" says Abe.
"Yes, and if I had two Rolls Royce motor cars, as my best friend I would give you one. And if I had two houses I would give you one of those."
"Would you?" says Abe.
"Yes I would. And if I had two sea going yachts one would be yours."
"Aha" said Abe "How about motorbikes?"
"SOD OFF." said Zak "YOU KNOW I'VE GOT TWO MOTORBIKES."
A past Phoenix member went to the doctor and said "Doctor, whatever I touch, it hurts."
The doctor asks "What do you mean?"
"When I touch my shoulder," says Abe "it really hurts. And if I touch my knee, it hurts as well. And if I touch my head it is really painful."
"Did you belong to the Leicester Phoenix Motorcycle Club?" asks the doctor.
"Yes, I certainly did Doctor." replied Abe.
"I thought you must have." says the doctor. "You've broken your finger."
A language teacher was explaining to her class that in French, nouns unlike their English counterparts, are grammatically designated as masculine or feminine. "House" in French, is feminine - "la maison." "Pencil" in French, is masculine - "le crayon." One puzzled student asked, "What gender is computer?" The teacher did not know and the word was not in her French dictionary. So for fun she split the class into two groups appropriately enough, by gender, and asked them to decide whether "computer" should be a masculine or a feminine noun. Both groups were required to give four reasons for their recommendation.
The men's group decided that computer should definitely be of the feminine gender ('la computer"), because:
- No one but their creator understands their internal logic;
- The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else;
- Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long-term memory for possible later retrieval;
- As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.
The women's group, however, concluded that computers should be masculine ('le computer") because:
- In order to do anything with them, you have to turn them on;
- They have a lot of data but still can't think for themselves;
- They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they ARE the problem;
- As soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you had waited a little longer, you could have gotten a better model.
The Women won!!!
On the night of a Leicester Phoenix past member's reunion the weather blew up a gale. When Abe set off for home in his car he was having some difficulty. Coming round a bend he saw a tree crashing into his path but just managed to swerve past it, only to be confronted by another tree and another all the way down the road. He only just avoided them all by skilful driving. Suddenly he was flagged down by a police patrol car.
"What was the reason for all that swerving about sir?" asked the police officer.
"Didn't you see?" explained Abe, "I was avoiding all those trees."
"That was your air freshener, sir!"
A plane is about to crash. There are five passengers on board but only four parachutes.
The first passenger says "I am Ronaldo, the best footballer in the world. The football world needs me and I cannot die on my fans."
He grabs the first parachute and jumps out of the plane.
The second passenger, Hillary Clinton says "I am the wife of the former president of the United States. I am the senator of New York and I have a good chance of being president of the United States in the future."
She grabs a parachute and jumps off the plane.
The third passenger, George W Bush says "I am the president of the United States of America. I have huge responsibilities in the world. Besides, I am the smartest president in the history of my country and can't shun the responsibility to my people by dying."
He grabs a pack and jumps off the plane.
The fourth passenger, the Pope says to the fifth passenger, a young school boy, "I am old. I have lived my life as a good person and priest should and so I shall leave the last parachute to you. You have the rest of your life ahead of you."
To this the little boy says "Don't fret old man....
....there is a parachute for each of us....
....the smartest president of America took my school bag..."
The moral of this story.
Each country gets the president it deserves.
An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman were invited to have dinner with a bishop. They were told that the bishop was very formal and that everything said at the meal had to be chanted in rhyming verse.
The Englishman went: "Your honour divine, will you pass me the wine?"
The Scotsman went: "Your honour supreme, will you pass me the cream?"
The Irishman went: "You bald headed bugger, will you pass me the sugar?"
God grant me the senility to forget the people I never did like, the good fortune to run into the ones I do like and the eyesight to tell the difference.
Where do you get virgin wool from?
How does a Phoenix member show he is planning for the future?
He buys two crates of beer.
What happened whan the wheel was invented?
It caused a revolution.
The (ex) Phoenix member wakes up at home with a huge hangover. He forces himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins and a glass of water on the side table. He sits down and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed.
He looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotless, clean. So is the rest of the house. He takes the aspirins and notices a note on the table "Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to go shopping. Love you."
So he goes to the kitchen and sure enough there is a hot breakfast and the morning newspaper. His son is also at the table, eating. He asks, "Son, what happened last night?"
His son says, "Well, you came home after 3am, drunk and delirious. Broke some furniture, puked in the hallway, and gave yourself a black eye when you stumbled into the door."
Confused, the (ex) Phoenix member asks, "So, why is everything in order and so clean, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me?"
His son replies, "Oh that! Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your pants off, you said, "Lady, leave me alone, I'm married!"
A self-induced hangover - £100.00
Broken furniture - £200.00
Breakfast - £4.00
Saying the right thing - PRICELESS
One night a past Phoenix member takes his girlfriend home. As they are about to kiss each other goodnight at the front door, the guy starts feeling a little horny. With an air of confidence, he leans with his hand against the wall and smiling, he says to her, "Honey, would you give me a blow job?"
Horrified, she replies, "Are you mad? My parents will see us!"
"Oh come on! Who's gonna see us at this hour?" He asks grinning at her.
"No, please. Can you imagine if we get caught?"
"Oh come on! There's nobody around, they're all sleeping!"
"No way. It's just too risky!"
"Oh please, please, I love you so much?!?"
"No, no, no. I love you too, but I just can't!"
"Oh yes you can. Please?"
Out of the blue, the light on the stairs goes on, and the girl's sister shows up in her pyjamas, hair disheveled and in a sleepy voice she says,
"Dad says to go ahead and give him a blow job, or I can do it. Or if need be, mom says she can come down herself and do it. But for God's sake tell him to take his hand off the intercom!"
A woman was shopping at her local supermarket where she selected:
- a pint of milk,
- a carton of eggs,
- a litre of orange juice,
- a head of lettuce,
- a 2lb can of coffee,
- a 1lb pack of bacon.
As she was unloading her items on the conveyor belt to check out, a drunk standing behind her watched as she placed the items in front of the cashier.
While the cashier was ringing up her purchases, the drunk calmly stated: "You must be single."
The woman was a bit startled by this proclamation, but was intrigued by the derelict's intuition, since she was indeed single.
She looked at her six items on the belt and saw nothing particularly unusual about her selections that could have tipped off the drunk to her marital status.Curiosity getting the better of her, she said "Well, you know what, you're absolutely correct. But how on earth did you know that?"
The drunk replied, "'Cos you're ugly."
An American tourist was on a guided tour around London one day & having become bored with the whole thing, he slipped away from the group & ducked into a little pub.
He tried a couple of the "Real Ales" on offer & then moved on to another hostelry further down the road where he sampled some of their beers.
In no time he had visited several bars & found himself totally lost. He was in an area of London devoid of pubs, bars, shops, & most importantly public conveniences which he now needed desperately! The real ale was making it's presence felt not only in his bladder but in his bowels also.
Every road he looked down was full of large imposing houses without a sign of a lavatory anywhere !
Becoming desperate he walked down the rear of a row of large houses and in desperation, decided to relieve himself behind some dustbins.
He was just in the act of dropping his trousers when a policeman appeared and said, "Now now sir, you can't do that sort of thing here you know."
The tourist apologised profusely & explained his desperate situation. "In that case come with me" said the copper as he led him down a small service road between two mansions. They had only gone a few yards when the copper opened a gate & and gesturing the Yank through said "In here sir, you can do as you like there"
The tourist found himself in a beautiful garden with superb flower beds & a manicured lawn resembling a bowling green. He thought, well if the copper said it would be OK, I'll just do a dump in the middle of the lawn. Leaving a large steaming heap in the centre of the grass, he left through the gate once more & found the bobby still standing there.
"Thank's a bunch, that was really good of you, I was desperate" said the tourist, "Is that what they call British hospitality?"
"Oh no", said the copper, "That's what we call, The French Embassy!"
Some years ago a Phoenix member was shopping with his wife and asked a shop assistant what something might be.
"It is a stainless steel vacuum flask sir." answered the assistant.
"Oh, that's nice," said Zak. "what's it for?"
"Well sir, it keeps hot things hot & it can also keep cold things cold." explained the assistant.
"Ooh, lovely," said Zak's wife, "You should get one of them, you could take it with you on your club runs."
So Zak bought the flask & took it to the very next club run and took it out of his exWD bag when they stopped for a break. At that point Abe asked Zak "What's that?"
Zak said, "It's a vacuum flask."
"That's nice, what's it for?" asked Abe.
"It keeps hot things hot & cold things cold." explained Zak.
"That's great! What have you got in it?" asked Abe.
"Two cups of coffee & a choc ice!"
A blonde phones up her boyfriend and says, "Can you come round my place and help me out please! I've got a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to get it started."
Her boyfriend asks, "What's it meant to be when it's finished?"
The blonde says, "According to the picture on the box, it's supposed to be a tiger."
Her boyfriend decides to go round and help her with the puzzle. She lets him in and shows him the puzzle, which is spread out all over the table.
He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns to her and says:
"First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a tiger."
He takes her hand and says, "Secondly, I want you to relax."
"Let's have a nice cup of tea, and then....." he sighed, "let's put all these Frosties back in the box."
Twycross Zoo had acquired a female of a very rare species of Gorilla. Within a few weeks the gorilla became very cantankerous and difficult to handle. Upon examination the zoo veterinarian determined the problem. The gorilla was on heat. To make matters worse there were no male gorillas of the species available. While reflecting on their problem the zoo management noticed Zak, a past Leicester Phoenix Motorcycle Club member, responsible for fixing the zoo's machinery. Zak, like most past members, had little sense but seemed to be possessed with ample ability to satisfy a female of ANY species. So the zoo administrators thought they might have a solution.
Zak was approached with a proposition. Would he be willing to have sex with the gorilla for £500? Zak showed some interest but said he would have to think the matter over carefully. The following day Zak announced that he would accept their offer only under three conditions:
"Firstly," he said, "she must be tied up and with a bag over her head."
"Secondly, you must never tell anyone about this."
The zoo administration quickly agreed to these conditions so they asked what was his third condition.
"Well," said Zak, "You gotta give me another week to come up with the £500."
When the big day came the gorilla was prepared and Zak was put into the cage. After a few minutes the gorilla became so excited she broke all the ropes and grabbed Zak in a vice-like hug. Zak began to shout at the top of his voice "Get it off! Get it off!" so the keepers rushed into the cage and pulled at the gorilla.
"No, no!" shouted Zak, "I mean the bag. I want to kiss her!"
There are two Mexicans who have been lost in the desert for weeks, & they're at death's door. As they stumble on, hoping for salvation in the form of an oasis or something similar, they suddenly spy, through the heat haze, a tree, off in the distance.
As they get closer, they can see that the tree is draped with rasher upon rasher of bacon. There's smoked bacon, crispy bacon, life-giving juicy nearly- raw bacon, all sorts.
"Hey, Pepe" says the first bloke (Don Pedro). "ees a bacon tree!!! We're saved!!!"
"You're right, amigo!" says Pepe.
So Pepe goes on ahead and runs up to the tree salivating at the prospect of food. But as he gets to within five feet of the tree, there's the sound of machine gun fire, and he is shot down in a hail of bullets. His friend quickly drops down on the sand, and calls across to the dying Pepe.
"Pepe!! Pepe!! Que pasa hombre?" With his dying breath Pepe calls out....
"Ugh, run, amigo, run!! Ees not a Bacon Tree"
"ees... a.... Ham bush"
Recently a "Husband Super Store" opened where women could go to choose a husband from among many men. It was laid out in five floors, with the men increasing in positive attributes as you ascended. The only rule was, once you opened the door to any floor, you HAD to choose a man from that floor; if you went up a floor, you couldn't go back down except to leave the place, never to return.
A couple of girlfriends went to the shopping centre to find some husbands...
The door had a sign saying, "These men have jobs and love kids." The women read the sign and said, "Well, that's better than not having a job or not loving kids, but I wonder what's further up?" So up they went.
The sign read, "These men have high paying jobs, love kids, and are extremely good looking." "Hmmm," said the ladies, "But, I wonder what's further up?"
This sign read, "These men have high paying jobs, are extremely good looking, love kids and help with the housework." "Wow," said the women, "Very tempting." But there was another floor, so further up they went.
This door had a sign saying "These men have high paying jobs, love kids, are extremely good looking, help with the housework and have a strong romantic streak." "Oh, mercy me," they cried, "Just think what must be awaiting us further on!
So up to the fifth floor they went.
The sign on that door said, "This floor is empty and exists only to prove that women are impossible to please. The exit is to your left, we hope you fall down the stairs."
OK mates, we can laugh at that but did this really happen or was it a dream?
I was choosing a girlfriend from a similar store. I was looking for the door that said "Redheads" and was tempted by the door that said "Good Cooks" but I rushed through the door that said "Big Tits" and found myself back outside.
A man was sick and tired of going to work every day while his wife stayed home. He wanted her to see what he went through so he prayed: "Dear Lord: I go to work every day and put in 8 hours while my wife merely stays at home. I want her to know what I go through, so please allow her body to switch with mine for a day. Amen."
God, in his infinite wisdom, granted the man's wish. The next morning, sure enough, the man awoke as a woman. He arose, cooked breakfast for his mate, awakened the kids, set out their school clothes, fed them breakfast, packed their lunches, drove them to school, came home and picked up the dry cleaning, took it to the cleaners and stopped at the bank to make a deposit, went grocery shopping, then drove home to put away the groceries, paid the bills and balanced the cheque book. He cleaned the cat's litter box and bathed the dog.
Then it was already 1pm and he hurried to make the beds, do the laundry, vacuum, dust, and sweep and mop the kitchen floor. Ran to the school to pick up the kids and got into an argument with them on the way home. Set out milk and cookies and got the kids organized to do their homework, then set up the ironing board and watched TV while he did the ironing.
At 4:30 he began peeling potatoes and washing vegetables for salad, breaded the pork chops and snapped fresh beans for supper. After supper, he cleaned the kitchen, ran the dishwasher, folded laundry, bathed the kids, and put them to bed. At 9pm he was exhausted and, though his daily chores weren't finished, he went to bed where he was expected to make love which he managed to get through without complaint.
The next morning, he awoke and immediately knelt by the bed and said, "Lord, I don't know what I was thinking. I was so wrong to envy my wife being able to stay home all day. Please, oh please, let us trade back."
The Lord, in his infinite wisdom, replied, "My son, I feel you have learned your lesson and I will be happy to change things back to the way they were. You'll just have to wait nine months, though. You got pregnant last night."
Keep this philosophy in mind the next time you either hear or are about to repeat a rumour.
In ancient Greece (469 - 399 BC), Socrates was widely lauded for his wisdom.
One day the great philosopher came upon an acquaintance who ran up to him excitedly and said, "Socrates, do you know what I just heard about one of your students?"
"Wait a moment," Socrates replied. "Before you tell me I'd like you to pass a little test. It's called the Triple Filter Test."
"Triple filter?" asked the acquaintance.
"That's right," Socrates continued. "Before you talk to me about my student let's take a moment to filter what you're going to say. The first filter is Truth. Have you made absolutely sure that what you are about to tell me is true?"
"No," the man said, "actually I just heard about it."
"All right," said Socrates. "So you don't really know if it's true or not. Now let's try the second filter, the filter of Goodness. Is what you are about to tell me about my student something good?"
"No, on the contrary ...".
"So," Socrates continued, "you want to tell me something bad about him, even though you're not certain it's true?".
The man shrugged, a little embarrassed.
Socrates continued." You may still pass the test though, because there is a third filter - the filter of Usefulness. Is what you want to tell me about my student going to be useful to me?"
"No, not really..."
"Well," concluded Socrates, "if what you want to tell me is neither True nor Good nor even Useful, why tell it to me at all?"
The man was defeated and ashamed.
This is the reason Socrates was a great philosopher and held in such high esteem.
It also explains why he never found out that Plato was screwing his wife!
A cruise in the Pacific went all wrong, the ship sank and there were only 3 survivors; Damian, Darren and Deirdre.
They manage to swim to a small island and they lived there for a couple of years, doing what's natural for men and women to do.
After several years of casual sex, all the time, Deirdre felt absolutely terrible about what she was doing.
She felt having sex with both Damian and Darren was so bad that she killed herself.
It was very tragic but Damian and Darren managed to get through it and, after a while, nature once more took its inevitable course.
A couple more years went by and Damian and Darren began to feel absolutely terrible about what they were doing.
So. . .
They buried her.
Subject: HOW TO THOROUGHLY CLEAN THE TOILET
- Add the required amount of shampoo to the toilet water and put both lids up.
- Pick up the cat and soothe him while you carry him toward the bathroom.
- In one smooth movement, put the cat in the toilet and close both lids. (You may need to stand on the lid.) The cat will self-agitate and make ample suds. (Never mind the noises that come from the toilet, the cat is actually enjoying this.)
- Flush the toilet three or four times. (This provides a "power-wash" and "rinse.")
- Have someone open the door to the outside. (Be sure that there are no people between the toilet and the outside door.)
- Stand behind the toilet as far as you can and quickly lift both lids.
- The cat will rocket out of the toilet and run outside where he will dry himself off. Both the commode and the cat will now be sparkling clean!
At age 4 success is . . . not peeing in your pants.
At age 12 success is . . . having friends.
At age 18 success is . . . having a drivers license.
At age 20 success is . . . going all the way.
At age 35 success is . . . having money.
At age 50 success is . . . having money.
At age 60 success is . . . going all the way.
At age 70 success is . . . having a drivers license.
At age 75 success is . . . having friends.
At age 80 success is . . . not peeing in your pants.
A man took his wife to the County Show and one of the exhibits was breeding bulls. They went up to the first pen and there was a sign that said, "This bull mated 50 times last year." The wife poked her husband in the ribs and said, "He mated 50 times last year."
They walked a little further and saw another pen with a sign that said, "This bull mated 120 times last year." The wife hit her husband and said, "That's more than twice a week! You could learn a lot from him."
They walked further and a third pen had a bull with a sign saying, "This bull mated 365 times last year." The wife got really excited and said, "That's once a day. You could REALLY learn something from this one."
The husband looked at her and said, "Go up and ask him if it was with the same cow."
Subject: Duck Hunting.
Chester and Earl are going hunting. Chester says to Earl, "I'll send my dog out to see if there are any ducks out in the pond. If there's no ducks out there, I ain't going hunting."
So he sends the dog out to the pond. The dog comes back and barks twice. Chester says, "Well, I ain't goin' out. He only saw two ducks out there."
Earl says, "You're going to take the dog's barks for the truth?"
Earl doesn't believe it, so he goes to look for himself. When he gets back he says, "I don't believe it. Where did you get that dog? There really are only two ducks out there!"
Chester says, "I got him from the breeder up the road. If you want, you can get one from him, too."
So Earl goes to the breeder and says he wants a dog like the one his friend Chester has.
Earl brings the dog home and tells it to go out and look for ducks. Minutes later the dog returns with a stick in its mouth and starts humping Earl's leg. Outraged, Earl takes the dog back to the breeder and says, "This dog is a fraud. I want my money back!"
The breeder asks Earl what the dog did. So Earl tells him that when he sent the dog out to look for ducks, it came back with a stick in its mouth and started humping his leg.
The breeder says, "Earl, all he was trying to tell you was that there are more fucking ducks out there than you can shake a stick at."
A young lady in the maternity ward just prior to labour is asked by the midwife if she would like her husband to be present at the birth.
"I'm afraid I don't have a husband" she replied.
"O.K. do you have a boyfriend?" asks the Midwife.
"No, no boyfriend either."
"Do you have a partner then?"
"No, I'm unattached, I'll be having my baby on my own."
After the birth the midwife again speaks to the young woman. "You have a healthy bouncing baby girl, but I must warn you before you see her that the baby is black"
"Well," replies the girl. I was very down on my luck, with no money and nowhere to live, and so I accepted a job in a Porno movie. The lead man was black."
"Oh, I'm very sorry," says the midwife, "that's really none of my business and I'm sorry that I have to ask you these awkward questions but I must also tell you that the baby has blonde hair."
"Well yes," the girl again replies, "you see I desperately needed the money and there was this Swedish guy also involved in the movie, what else could I do?"
"Oh, I'm sorry," the midwife repeats, "that's really none of my business and I hate to pry further but your baby has slanted eyes."
"Well yes," continues the girl, "I was incredibly hard up and there was a little Chinese man also in the movie, I really had no choice."
At this the midwife again apologises, collects the baby and presents her to the girl, who immediately proceeds to give baby a slap on the bum.
The baby starts crying and the mother exclaims, "Well thank god for that!"
"What do you mean?" says the midwife, shocked.
"Well," says the girl extremely relieved, "I had this horrible feeling that it was going to bark."
One afternoon a wealthy lawyer was riding in his limousine when he saw two men along the roadside eating grass. Disturbed, he ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate.
He asked one man "Why are you eating grass?"
"We don't have any money for food," the poor man replied. "We have to eat grass."
"Well, then, you can come with me to my house and I'll feed you" the lawyer said.
"But sir, I have a wife and two children with me. They are over there, under that tree."
"Bring them along," the lawyer replied. Turning to the other poor man he stated, "You come with us also."
The second man, in a pitiful voice then said, "But sir, I also have a wife and SIX children with me!"
"Bring them all, as well," the lawyer answered.
They all entered the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as large as the limousine was. Once underway, one of the poor fellows turned to the lawyer and said, "Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us with you."
The lawyer replied, "Glad to do it. You'll really love my place - the grass is almost a foot high!"
Why I Fired My Secretary. . .
Two weeks ago was my 44th birthday and I wasn't feeling too good that morning. I went to breakfast knowing my wife would be pleasant and say, "Happy Birthday!", and probably have a present for me.
As it turned out, she didn't even say good morning, let alone any happy birthday. I thought, well, that's wives for you, the children will remember.
The children came in to breakfast and didn't say a word. So when I left for the office, I was feeling pretty low and despondent.
As I walked into my office, my secretary Janet said, "Good morning, Boss. Happy Birthday". And I felt a little better that someone had remembered.
I worked until noon, then Janet knocked on my door and said, "You know, it's such a beautiful day outside, and it's your birthday, let's go to lunch, just you and me."
I said, "By George, that's the greatest thing I've heard all day. Let's go!" We went to lunch.
We didn't go where we normally go; instead we went out to a private little place. We had two martinis and enjoyed lunch tremendously.
On the way back to the office, she said, "You know, it's such a beautiful day. We don't need to go back to the office, do we?"
I said, "No, I guess not."
She said, "Let's go to my apartment."
After arriving at her apartment she said, "Boss, if you don't mind, I think I'll go into the bedroom."
"Sure!" I excitedly replied. She went into the bedroom and, in about six minutes, she came out carrying a huge birthday cake -----
followed by my wife, children, and dozens of our friends, all singing Happy Birthday.
And I just sat there ----
on the couch ----
A drunk had been at a pub all night. At last call, the drunk stood up to leave and fell flat on his face. He tried to stand one more time, to the same result.
He figured he'd crawl outside to get some fresh air, since maybe that would sober him up. Once outside, he stood up and fell flat on his face. So he decided to crawl the four blocks to his house.
When he arrived at the door he stood up and again fell flat on his face.
He crawled through the door and into his bedroom. When he reached his bed he tried one more time to stand up.
This time he managed to pull himself upright, but he quickly fell right into bed and was sound asleep the second his head hit the pillow.
He was awakened the next morning by his wife shouting, "So, you've been out drinking again have you!"
"No! What makes you say that?" he asked, putting on his best innocent expression.
"The pub called... you forgot your wheelchair again."
You might be a Floridian if:
- You now understand what that little "2% hurricane deductible" phrase really means
- You exhibit a slight twitch when introduced to anyone with the names Charley, Frances, Ivan, or Jeanne
- Your freezer never has more than $20 worth of food in it any given time
- You're looking at paint swatches for the plywood on your windows, to accent the house color
- You think of your hall closet/saferoom as "cozy"
- Your pool is more accurately described as "framed in" than "screened in"
- Your freezer in the garage now only has homemade ice in it
- You no longer worry about relatives visiting during the summer months
- You too haven't heard back from the insurance adjuster
- You're putting a collage together on your driveway of roof shingles from your neighborhood
- You were once proud of your 16" electric chain saw
- Your Street has more than 3 "NO WAKE" signs posted
- You now own 5 large ice chests
- Your parrot can now say "hammered, pounded and hunker down"
- You recognize people in line at the free ice, gas and plywood locations
- You stop what you're doing and clap and wave when you see a convoy of power company trucks come down your street
- You're depressed when they don't stop
- You have the personal cell phone numbers of the managers for: plywood, roofing supplies and generators at Home Depot on your speed dialer
- You've spent more than $20 on "Tall white kitchen bags" to make your own sand bags
- You're considering upgrading from a 16" to a 20" chainsaw
- You know what "Bar chain oil" is
- You're thinking of getting your wife the hardhat with the ear protector and face shield for Christmas
- You now think the $6000 whole house generator seems reasonable
- You look forward to discussions about the merits of "cubed, block and dry ice"
- Your therapist refers to your condition as "generator envy"
- You just learned how to "grill" canned ravioli
- You fight the urge to put on your winter coat and wool cap and parade around in front of your picture window, when you finally get power and your neighbor across the street, with the noisy generator doesn't get electric
- And finally you might be a Floridian if you ask your relatives up north to start saving the Sunday real estate classifieds
The teacher said to young Johnny, "If there were three birds sitting on a wall, and the farmer shot one of them, how many would be left?"
"Well," said Johnny, "there would be none left because the sound of the farmer's gun would have frightened the others away."
"That's not the answer I was looking for, as we're doing subtraction today," said the teacher, "but I like the way you're thinking!"
"I have a question for you Miss," said Johnny, the next day.
"If three women were walking down the road, one licking an ice lolly, one sucking an ice lolly and one biting an ice lolly, which of the three was the married woman?"
"I think it would be the one sucking the ice lolly" said the teacher.
"You would be wrong Miss" said Johnny. "It's the one with the wedding ring on her finger, but I like the way you're thinking!"
GEOGRAPHY OF WOMEN
Between 18 and 22 a woman is like Africa, half discovered, half wild, naturally beautiful with fertile soil.
Between 23 and 30 a woman is like America, well developed and open to trade, especially for someone with cash.
Between 31 and 35 a woman is like India, very hot, relaxed and convinced of her own beauty.
Between 36 and 40 a woman is like France, gently aging but still warm and a desirable place to visit.
Between 41 and 50 a woman is like Great Britain, with a glorious and all conquering past.
Between 51 and 60 a woman is like Yugoslavia, lost the war and haunted by past mistakes.
Between 61 and 70 a woman is like Russia, very wide and borders are now unpatrolled.
After 70 she becomes Tibet. Wildly beautiful, with a mysterious past and the wisdom of the ages....only those with an adventurous spirit and a thirst for spiritual knowledge visit there.
GEOGRAPHY OF MEN
Between 1 and 70, a man is like Iraq - ruled by a dick.
One winter year, these two little fleas headed for the warm sunny beaches of Spain to escape the cold. The first flea got there and started rubbing suntan lotion on his little flea arms and his little flee legs. Just then, the second flea arrived just a shiverin' and a shakin'.
The first flea asked, "What the hell happened to you?"
To which the second flea replied "I just rode out here on a biker's mustache and I'm so very coldd-d-d!"
The first flea said, "Don't you know the special trick to getting here, first you go to the airport, go straight to the ladies cammode, wait for a pretty young stewardess to come along, and when she sits down you climb right up in there where its nice and warm".
The second flea agreed that this was a grand idea. The next winter comes along and it was time for the fleas to head for the sunny beaches again. The first flea arrived and began putting suntan lotion on his little flea arms and his little flea legs.
About that time, the second flea arrived again just a shiverin', shakin', and mumbling about how cold he was.
The first flea exclaimed "Didn't you learn anything that I taught you about getting here nice and warm?"
To which the second flea replied, "I did just as you said; I went to the ladies cammode and this pretty stewardess came in and sat down, I climbed right up in there and it was so very warm. Next thing I know we stop at a bar and I fell asleep. All of a sudden I woke and there I was, right back on that biker's mustache!
On the first day, God created the dog.
God said, "Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. I will give you a life span of twenty years."
The dog said, "That's too long to be barking. Give me ten years and I'll give you back the other ten." So God agreed.
On the second day, God created the monkey.
God said, "Entertain people, do monkey tricks, make them laugh. I'll give you a twenty-year life span."
The monkey said, "How boring, monkey tricks for twenty years? I don't think so. Dog gave you back ten, so that's what I'll do too, okay?" And God agreed.
On the third day, God created the cow.
God said, "You must go to the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer. I will give you a life span of sixty years."
The cow said, "That's kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty years. Let me have twenty and I'll give back the other forty." And God agreed again.
On the fourth day, God created man.
God said, "Eat, sleep, play, marry and enjoy your life. I'll give you twenty years."
Man said, "What? Only twenty years? Tell you what, I'll take my twenty, and the forty the cow gave back, and the ten the monkey gave back, and the ten the dog gave back. That makes eighty, okay?"
"Okay," said God, "You've got a deal."
So that is why the first twenty years we eat, sleep, play, and enjoy ourselves;
for the next forty years we slave in the sun to support our family;
for the next ten years we do monkey tricks to entertain the grandchildren;
and for the last ten years we sit on the front porch and bark at everyone.
An Old Flame
I got a phone call from a gorgeous ex-girlfriend of mine the other day. We lost track of time, chatting about the wild nights we used to enjoy together. I couldn't believe it when she asked if I'd like to meet up and maybe rekindle a little of that magic.
"Wow!" I said, "I don't know if I could keep pace with you now! I'm a bit older and a bit balder than when you last saw me!"
She giggled and said she was sure I'd meet the challenge!
"Yeah", I said, "just so long as you don't mind a man with a waistband that's a few inches wider these days!"
She laughed and told me to stop being so silly!
She teased me, saying that she thought tubby bald men were cute!
"Anyway, I've put on a couple of pounds myself!" she giggled...
...so I told her to clear off.
Little Johnny's neighbours had a baby. Unfortunately, the baby was born without ears. When mother and new baby came home from the hospital Johnny's family was invited over to see the baby.
Before they left their house, Little Johnny's dad had a talk with him and explained that the baby had no ears. His dad also told him that if he so much as mentioned anything about the baby's missing ears or even said the word ears he would get the spanking of his life when they came back home.
Little Johnny told his dad he understood completely.
When Johnny looked in the crib he said, "What a beautiful baby."
The mother said, "Why, thank you, Little Johnny."
Johnny said, "He has beautiful little feet and beautiful little hands, a cute little nose and really beautiful eyes. Can he see?"
"Yes", the mother replied, "we are so thankful, the Doctor said he will have 20/20 vision."
"That's great", said Little Johnny, "coz he'd be fucked if he needed glasses."
A woman asks her husband if he'd like some breakfast. "Would you like bacon and eggs, perhaps? A slice of toast? Grapefruit and coffee to follow?" she asks.
He declines. "It's this Viagra," he says, "It's really taken the edge off my appetite."
At lunchtime, she asks if he would like something. "A bowl of home-made soup, home-made muffins or a cheese sandwich?" she inquires.
He declines. "It's this Viagra," he says, "It's really taken the edge off my appetite."
Come dinnertime, she asks if he wants anything to eat. She'll go to the store and buy him some food. "Would you like maybe a steak, then an apple pie? Maybe you'd like a pizza micro waved or a tasty stir-fry? That would only take a couple of minutes."
He declines. "It's this Viagra," he says, "It's really taken the edge off my appetite."
"Well," she says, "would you mind letting me get up, then? I'm starving!"
Three motorcyclists were sitting naked in a sauna. Suddenly there was a beeping sound. The BMW owner pressed his forearm and the beep stopped. The others looked at him questioningly.
"That was my pager," he said, "I have a microchip under the skin in my arm."
A few minutes later a phone rang.
The Honda rider lifted his palm to his ear. When he finished he explained, "That was my mobile phone, I have a microchip in my hand"
The Ariel owner felt decidedly low tech, but not to be outdone he decided he had to do something just as impressive. He stepped out of the sauna and went to the bathroom. When he returned he had a piece of toilet paper hanging from his arse. The others raised their eyebrows and stared at him. The Ariel rider glanced around behind and said.....
"Will you look at that, I'm getting a fax!"
Irish daughter had not been to the house for over 5 years.
Upon her return, her father cussed her out: "Where have you been all this time, you ingrate! Why didn't you write us, not even a line to let us know how you were doing? Why didn't you call? You little tramp! Don't you know what you put your Mom through??!!"
The girl, crying: "Sniff, sniff... Dad... I became a prostitute..."
"WHAT? Out of here, you shameless harlot, sinner, you're a disgrace to this family - I don't ever want to see you again!"
"OK, Dad - as you wish. I just came back to give Mom this fur coat and title to a mansion, a savings account certificate of $5 million for my little brother, and for you, Daddy, this gold Rolex, the spanking new BMW that's parked outside and a lifetime membership to the Country Club... an invitation for you all to spend New Years' Eve on board my new yacht in the Riviera, and... "
"Now what was it you said you had become?"
Girl, crying again: Sniff, sniff "A prostitute Dad!" .. Sniff, sniff
"Oh! you scared me half to death, girl! I thought you said a Protestant. Come here and give your old dad a hug!"
Stevie Wonder is touring one year, doing live gigs every night. On his last night the crowd is really rammed and go berserk as Stevie takes to the stage. After a few toons a Japanese man stands up in the crowd and screams at the top of his voice "DO A JAZZ CHORD"
So Stevie, being the hero that he is, plays an A on his piano, followed by a 10 minute inprovised jazz solo. The crowd goes barmy, but the same Japanese man stands up and shouts again "NO....DO A JAZZ CHORD". So Stevie plays a B minor, followed by another 10 minute riff.
"A JAZZ CHORD" screams the Japanese man again.
"Look man" says an irritated Stevie Wonder as the crowd goes silent "your gonna have to gimme a clue here, cos I don't know what you're on about man."
So the Japanese man stands up, and at the top of his voice sings.........
"A JAZZ CHORD, TOO SAY..... I RUV YOOOOOU"
A wealthy hospital benefactor was visiting the hospital when, during her tour, she passed a room where a male patient was masturbating.
"Oh my god!" screamed the woman. "that's disgraceful! Why is he doing that?"
The doctor leading the tour explained, "I am very sorry, but this man has a serious condition where the testicles rapidly fill with semen. If he doesn't do that five times a day, he'll be in extreme pain and his testicles could rupture."
"Oh, well in that case, I guess it's ok," commented the woman.
In the very next room they could see that a nurse was performing oral sex on a different male patient. Again the woman screamed, "Oh my god! How can that be justified?"
The doctor replied..."Same illness, better health plan."
After having their 11th child, a past Phoenix member and his spouse decided that was enough, as they could not afford a larger bed. So the husband went to his doctor and told him that he and his wife didn't want to have any more children.
The doctor told him there was a procedure called a vasectomy that would fix the problem but it was expensive. A less costly alternative was to go home, get a firework, light it, put it in a beer can, then hold the can up to his ear and count to 10.
The past member said to the doctor, "I may not be the smartest guy in the world, but I don't see how putting a firework in a beer can next to my ear is going to help me."
"Trust me, I know you bikers - it will do the job", said the doctor.
So the past member went home, lit a banger and put it in a beer can. He held the can up to his ear and began to count: "1, 2, 3, 4, 5," at which point he paused, placed the beer can between his legs so he could continue counting on his other hand...
Now you know why we are ex-members!
Here's the exercise program I am using to stay in shape this year.
You might want to take it easy at first, then do it faster as you become more proficient.
It may be too strenuous for some.
ALWAYS CONSULT YOUR DOCTOR BEFORE STARTING ANY EXERCISE PROGRAM.
NOW SCROLL DOWN...
NOW SCROLL UP...
That's enough for this year.
Many thanks to Foz and Val Fosberry, Lynda and Paul Dunn, Sue and Eric Tindall, MaLu and the many others who contibuted to the Foz Spot through 2004 and kept us rolling about. Keep them coming!