Three Englishmen were in a bar and spotted an Irishman. One of the guys said he was going to bug him.

He walked over to the Irishman and tapped him on the shoulder. "Hey, I hear your St. Patrick was a sissy."

"Oh really, hmm, didn't know that."

Puzzled, the Englishman walked back to his buddies. "I told him St. Patrick was a sissy and he didn't care!"

"You just don't know how to set him off. Watch and learn." The second Englishman walked over and tapped the Irishman on the shoulder. "I hear your St. Patrick was a transvestite!"

"Oh, wow, I didn't know that, thank you."

Shocked beyond belief, the Englishman went back to his buddies. "You are right, he is unshakable!"

The third Englishman said: "No, no, no, I will really bug him, you just watch."

The Englishman walked over to the Irish man, tapped him on the shoulder and said: "I hear your St. Patrick was an Englishman!"

"Yeah, that's what your buddies were trying to tell me."

A little old Jewish lady took her young grandson to the beach. He was playing in the shallow water. She was standing on the beach not wanting to get her feet wet, when all of a sudden, a huge wave appeared from nowhere and crashed directly over the spot where the little boy was wading.

The water receded and the boy was no longer there. He had simply vanished into the sea.

The grandmother raised her hands high up toward the sky, screamed and cried, "Lord, how could you take him? Have I not been a wonderful grandmother? Have I not been a wonderful mother? Have I not given to B'nai B'rith? Have I not given to Hadassah? Have I not lit candles every Friday night at dusk? Have I not tried my very best to live the life that you would have me live?"

A loud voice boomed down from the sky, "Okay, okay, already!" A few seconds later another huge wave appeared out of nowhere and crashed on the beach.

As the water receded, the little boy was playing there, smiling, splashing around as if nothing had ever happened. The loud voice boomed again "I have returned your grandson. Are you satisfied?"

The grandmother looked at the boy for a moment, cupped her hands to her mouth and yelled up at the sky,

"He had a hat!"

Mr Luckinbill came home one night, and his wife threw her arms around his neck: "I have great news... I'm a month overdue. I think we're going to have a baby!

The doctor gave me a test today, but until we find out for sure, we can't tell anybody."

The next day, Mrs Luckinbill received a telephone call from Reliance Energy because the electricity bill had not been paid.

"Am I speaking to Mrs Luckinbill?"

"Yes, speaking"

Reliance guy, "You're a month overdue, you know!"

"How do YOU know?" stammered the young woman.

"Well, ma'am, it's in our files!" said the Reliance guy.

"What are you saying? It's in your files ... HOW?"

"Yes ... We have a system of finding out who's overdue."

"GOD! This is too much..."

"Madam, I am sorry, I am just following orders, I have to inform that you are overdue."

"I know that ... let me talk to my husband about this tonight. He will speak to your company tomorrow."

That night, she told her husband about the incident, and he, mad as a bull, rushed to the Reliance office the next morning.

"What's going on? You have it on file that my wife is a month overdue? What business is that of yours?" the husband shouted.

"Just calm down," said the lady at the reception at Reliance, "it's nothing serious. All you have to do is pay us."

"PAY you? And if I refuse?"

"Well, in that case, sir, we'd have no option but to cut yours off."

"And what would my wife do then?" the husband asked.

"Well, I don't know. I guess she'd have to use a candle!"

Three Oz motorcycle friends were out on the road, Mongrel, Coot and Bluey.

As they reached a series of bends Coot lost the plot, high-sided, hit a post and was killed instantly.

As the ambulance took his body away, Bluey said, "Someone's gotta go and break it to Coot's wife."

Mongrel said, "OK, I'm pretty good at that sensitive stuff, I'll do it."

Two hours later, he came back carrying a case of beer. Bluey said, "Where'd you get the grog, Mongrel?"

"Coot's wife gave it to me," Mongrel replied.

"That's unbelievable. You told the Missus her husband was dead and she gave you a case of beer?"

"Well, not exactly", Mongrel said. "When she answered the door, I said to her, 'You must be Coot's widow.' and she said, 'You're mistaken. I'm not a widow.'".

"Then I said, 'I'll betcha a case of beer you are'."

A woman took a job at The Tickle Me Elmo factory, which makes dolls that laugh when tickled under the arms, and she reported for her first day promptly at 8:00 am.

At 8:45 am there was a knock at the Personnel Manager�s door. The Foreman threw open the door and began a rant about the new employee.

He complained that she was incredibly slow and the whole line was backing up, putting the entire production line behind schedule.

The Personnel Manager decided he should see this for himself, so the two men marched down to the factory floor. When they got there the line was so backed up that there were Tickle Me Elmos all over the factory floor and really beginning to pile up.

At the end of the line the woman stood surrounded by mountains of Tickle Me Elmos. She had a roll of plush red fabric and a huge bag of small marbles.

The two men watched in amazement as she cut a little piece of fabric, wrapped it around two marbles and began to carefully sew the little package between Elmo's legs.

The Personnel Manager burst into laughter. After several minutes of hysterics he pulled himself together and approached her.

"I'm sorry," he said to her, barely able to keep a straight face, "but I think you misunderstood the instructions I gave you."

"Your job is to give Elmo two test tickles."

A horny gorilla saw a lion bent over a small stream, taking a drink. The gorilla ran up behind the lion, grabbed on, and had his way with him. The gorilla then took off running, with the very angry lion on his heels. As they ran through the jungle, the gorilla gained a bit of a lead, and saw a safari camp ahead.

The gorilla entered the camp, grabbed some khakis that were hung out to dry, and put on pants, a shirt, and a hat. He sat on a chair by the campfire and picked up a copy of the local paper, pretending to read, to hide his face.

The lion entered the campsite and let out a huge roar. He yelled, "Did anyone see a gorilla run through here?"

The gorilla, in full disguise, called out, "You mean the one that ****ed the lion up the ar5e?"

The lion exclaimed, "Oh my god! It's in the paper already!"

A woman in her 70s decided it was finally time to get married.

She put an ad in the newspaper. "Husband wanted. Must not beat me, must not walk all over me, must still be good in bed"

She got many applicants but after a few weeks she didn't find anybody suitable. She was about to give up, when she heard her doorbell ring. She opens the door to find a man with no arms or legs sitting in a wheelchair.

"Can I help you?" She asks.

The man smiled and said "It's me, your new husband!"

"You must be joking..." The woman laughed.

"Well think about it," he said. "I have no arms so I cannot beat you. I have no legs so I can't walk all over you."

The woman's eyes narrowed and she asked "Are you still good in bed?"

The man leaned back in his chair and smiled.

"I rang the doorbell didn't I?"