Four husbands were outside a maternity ward, waiting for the nurse to tell them about the babies their wives give birth to.

The nurse walked up to the first man and said, "Congratulations, your wife gave birth to twins!

The man said, "What a coincidence because I work at a restaurant called Two Cities."

The nurse walked up to the second man and said, "Congratulations, your wife gave birth to triplets!

The man said, "That's weird because I work at a factory called Three Continents."

The nurse walked up to the third guy and said, "Congratulations, your wife gave birth to quadruplets!

The man said, "That's very odd because I work at the Four Seasons Hotel."

The fourth man started crying.

One of the men asked, "What's wrong?"

The fourth man responded,

"I work at 7Up."

Husband: My wife is missing. She went shopping yesterday and has not come home!

OFFICER: Age?

Husband: I'm not sure. Around 40. We don't do birthdays.

OFFICER: Height?

Husband: I'm not sure. A little over five-feet tall.

OFFICER: Weight?

Husband: Don't know. Not slim, not really fat.

OFFICER: Colour of eyes?

Husband: Sort of brown I think.

OFFICER: Colour of hair?

Husband: Changes a couple times a year. Maybe dark brown now. I can't remember.

OFFICER: What was she wearing?

Husband: Could have been pants, or maybe a skirt or shorts. I don't know exactly.

OFFICER: What kind of car did she go in?

Husband: She went on my motorcycle.

OFFICER: What kind of motorcycle was it?

Husband: A 2018 Harley-Davidson Roadglide, Twisted Cherry with 14" apes, stage 2 kit, Vance and Hines fishtail pipes, Klock Werks windshield, JPcycles footboards, highway pegs and crash bars...

At this point the husband started choking up.

OFFICER: Take it easy sir, we'll find your motorcycle.

A bitter husband said to his wife, "On your gravestone I'll put the words:

COLD AS EVER".

His wife replied, "Fine, on yours I'll put:

STIFF AT LAST".

Joe died, and his will provided thirty thousand pounds for an elaborate funeral.

As the last guests departed the fairly basic affair, his wife, Helen, turned to her oldest friend. "Well, I'm sure Joe would be pleased," she said.

"I'm sure you're right," replied Jody, who lowered her voice and leaned in close. "How much did this really cost?"

"All of it," said Helen. "Thirty thousand!"

"No!" Jody exclaimed. "I mean, it was very nice, but thirty thousand pounds?"

Helen answered, "The funeral was one and a half thousand. I donated five hundred to the church. The wake, food and drinks were another five hundred. The rest went on the memorial stone."

Jody computed it quickly. "Twenty-seven and a half thousand pounds for a memorial stone? My god, how big is it?"

"Two and a half carats."

Man in Moscow stopped to buy a newspaper, looked at the front page, then threw it into a nearby waste bin.

This went on for several days.

Vendor said, "Why do you buy a paper, look at the front, then throw it away?".

Man replied, "I'm looking for obituaries."

News vendor said, "Obituaries aren't on the front page."

Man said, "The one I'm looking for will be!"

Shortly after take-off on an outbound evening Aer Lingus flight from Dublin to Boston, the lead flight attendant nervously made the following painful announcement:

"Ladies and gentlemen, I'm so very sorry, but it appears that there has been a terrible mix-up by our catering service. I don't know how this has happened, but we have 103 passengers on board, and unfortunately, we received only 40 dinner meals. I truly apologize for this mistake."

When the muttering of the passengers had died down, she continued, "Anyone who is kind enough to give up their meal so that someone else can eat will receive free, unlimited drinks for the duration of our five hour flight."

Her next announcement came about two hours later:

"If anyone is hungry, we still have forty dinners available."

A Russian wife turned to her husband and asked, "What's this special military operation our glorious leader keeps talking about?"

Her husband replied, "It's a proxy war between Russia and NATO."

"Oh, right. How's it going?"

"Well," he replied, "so far we've lost 24,000 soldiers, 2,000 tanks, 200 aircraft, numerous helicopters, loads of armoured vehicles and artillery pieces. Not forgetting our Black Sea flagship along with other naval pieces"

"Wow! What about NATO?"

"They haven't turned up yet."